Actually, I despise the term "white trash" -- I tend to call people who are white trash what they are -- which are a few people at McDonalds, but if someone calls me white trash it's about the most insultive thing in the world.
So apparently more people read my blog than I had originally planned, which I assume was the plan of this blog, right? I'm starting to wonder if perhaps some people get a tid upset when I talk about them on the blog -- I mean, I would only say things in good light -- I mean, if I'm talking about you, then I like you!! I'm giving you time - my time, which is precious. So if I mention you on my blog, please understand that it's because I like you. Lots. ;-)
Nothing new with LA -- 45 days... that's all. I'm going to start getting my lyrics together and compiled into one area. I think I'm going to do that tonight. My horoscope told me I should sort and organize today, so I think that's perfect.
My Mama came over for lunch today -- I was going to tell her about going to LA and stuff -- I really wanted her to bring her girlfriend, Pam with her. Pam and I have had our differences but if there was one person who would understand just what it means for me to go to LA and work with a legit producer, it would be Pam. She's very musical. So I was bummed when my Mama told me that she wasn't coming.
I made queso dip and other mexican things and we chatted for a few hours. I told her that I had a flock of men after me -- it's truly strange how I am flypaper for men. I mean, really. I went my entire high school career without so much as a boy glancing at me and here I am 23 and I have 4 men interested in me.
My Mama told me to go for it... I told her I had news for her and then we got sidetracked and I started talking about guys and stuff and she was excited and I told her that wasn't the news.
Unfortunately, she didn't get as excited for LA as I had hoped. I think that I'm the only one who truly knows what this means. I feel that I keep trying to get other people excited and it's draining me. *starts to tear up* I just want people to be happy and proud of me.
My Mama then said that she hoped that I got all the fame and fortune that I wanted/deserved and that she truly meant it. She really did want me to be successful, she just doesn't understand why I want it. We're two different people. She always wanted to be anonymous and for me -- being anonymous scares me. I love when people know who I am. I can't explain it...
She advised that I not tell my step mom and Daddy -- I'm not sure just yet. I mean, my step mom called me on being signed to a record label -- I never told any of my parents -- for real... my Mama also called me on it today -- and both times it's taken me aback. LOL It's like, "wow, y'all actually read those emails with the blog and youtube links I send you! That's awesome!"
I made this blog with the intention of my family reading it -- I was going to be honest and direct -- I was going to share my daily life. Since I don't talk to my family on a daily basis, they can just read what's going on with me, you know? Well I never heard anything back from them on whether or not they ever read it, so I just sort of forgot about it and it just turned into a new blog to have. I really enjoy updating it. Now, I'm learning more people are reading it than I thought and although I'm not really sure what to think about that, I am glad for it because I want to share my life with people. I love it. It's one of my passions.
So I haven't decided on wether or not to talk about it to my parents. I'm going to dinner with them in Lawrence on the 9th, I believe. 9th or the 6th, I can't remember. I'm a tad dyslexic and I believe that I really am. Sometimes I think I read differently than others. But anyhow, I can't decide.
My Dad probably won't say much about it. He's only said one thing to me about my music career. One thing. It was nearly 2 years ago (will be in September -- yes I remember that much.) I asked him if I could borrow $500 to enter this showcase up in Omaha for musicians and I really wasn't very prepared at the time, but it was going to be for producers, A&R people and music execs and I thought I should do it... I emailed him and he called me (I hate it when people do that. Like, I'll text someone and they will call me. I texted you for a reason!! But it was alright that my Daddy did it.) and he said "I looked up about it on the internet and there's nothing bad about it, but there's not much that great about it either... if you want to do it, I'll give you the money..." and I got to thinking and he must have some kind of faith in me if he's willing to loan me $500 to do a music showcase. He wouldn't give it to me and let me waste it if I sucked. (Unless he was trying to teach me a lesson.)
In the end I didn't take the money and I didn't go to the showcase. But before we got off of the phone my Daddy told me that he wanted me to be happy, and that I deserved good things in life, that I deserved to get what I wanted. I had to end the phone call because I started to cry. I hate to let my Daddy see me cry. I'm sitting here crying now typing this -- he means so much to me.
My Mama asked me today if I thought I needed everyone's permission to go do this LA thing and I said "no, I just want to make y'all happy and proud of me..." You know, I'm just trying to keep them in the loop and I'm finally doing something of substance and I just want someone to be proud of me.
Honestly? HONESTLY? I think I'm waiting for my family to jump in and be my number one fans. I think I'm waiting for them to be behind me rooting for me to do my best while I'm in LA. (My Mama said I should just focus and try to do my best.) I think I've seen too many VH1 specials about how Justin Timberlake's Mama drove him to Nashville for competitons, how she traveled with NSYNC and how she's his co-manager now and she's at his shows singing every word he wrote... I think I've seen too many parents in the biz that adore their childrens talent and I have never had that kind of backing.
My Mama always bragged that I have "this voice" and that I was incredible, I was in choir and honor choirs and my parents came to all of my concerts and supported me -- but that's what parents do right? Well, there's no expiration date on that... I'm still wanting them to do that for me and I'm killing myself trying to get some fucking attention.
I want them to understand what an oppertunity this is. I want them to get that I'm releasing my album next year.
MY ALBUM.
Of me.
I want them to understand that I'm going to write thank you's and that they're going to be in there. I want them to get that sometimes people are destined for things and my entire life music is the only thing that has ever made sense for me - that I have a God given talent to write and sing and that going to school didn't fit, but this does -- so why can't you be happy for that?
Why am I the only person on the planet that understands what a huge deal this is? I don't get it.
I've overwhelmed myself -- I'm bawling now, like a little baby -- and really, that's what I still feel like. I am still your little baby, and I still need to be held sometimes.
Of all the blogs, I hope they read this one because it's something I could never say to them directly. It's just something I thought they needed to know. Unfortunately, knowing my luck, they won't read it.
Pic of the Day:
Sometimes I truly believe that she's the only one who ever believes in the things that I can do. She's gotten me here to where I am today... more ways than you can even know.
xoxox
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