The Space

From one side of the room to the other, 

I estimate the number of steps, 

I contemplate the things to say;

Moisture upon my lips.

I fight the urge to run to you, 

But I have to make myself move my legs, 

Our eyes dart back and forth

As you slowly mouth my name, 

I never cared much for what I've been called, 

But to hear it from anyone else won't sound the same, 

The air is thick and tight as the walls they slowly cave, 

Three people or two hundred, 

Doesn't matter, it's all the same, 

When the space between us closes, 

And I'm finally home again. 

Wicked Little Things

"Now that we're all fat and happy, 

We'll be made into pies..." 

I had a bad day today. I'm frustrated with entirely too much and it's all building up in me. Of course, I can't actually say what's really bothering me for fear that those who it affects will read it. It's not something that should be brought to their attention via blog, you know? I owe them more than that.

Regardless, when I'm out of control, I fight to control what I can in my life. Today it was an X-Acto knife, antihistamines and Miller Light. Those are three things that I can control in my life. So I controlled them.

Those that know me know that Benedryl knocks me the fuck out. So a few of those + the 2 beers I had and I was passed out within an hour or so... slept like a rock while Twister played in the background. It was a good sleep. I needed it.

Upon waking everything is still the same, however. I haven't said the things to the people that I need to, but it did make me feel better to temporarily put the world on hold.

Control is a funny thing. There are some areas in my life where I absolutely must have control...  There are some things that I know I'll never get control over...  There are some things that I don't even want control over... It's crazy - the lines are blurred on where all of those things stand.

I can only hope that tomorrow is a better day... but then again - tomorrow is already a better day because it's finally the 14th... :)

Photo of the day:

Say No More

"Surrounded by familiar faces with no names, 

None of them know me or want to share my pain, 

They only wish to bask in my light then fade away, 

To win my love, to them a game, 

To watch me live my life in vain, 

When all is done and the glitter fades away..." 

 
My blog "Situational Friendship" was quite popular. I got 7 comments, which is pretty high for me (sadly), thus I can't even imagine how many people read it. I don't have a counter on my blog or I'd be obsessed with it. I also don't have a tracker on my blog, or I'd be obsessed with it...

Regardless...

Most of the comments were positive and supportive... understanding...

However there was one anonymous comment that I wanted to respond to on here.

Comment: First of all, I'm not spamming nor am I trolling your blog. You don't know me from the next person in a crowded place, but I have been in your presence a few times. And for what it's worth, I've made an attempt to befriend you. Not because I'm interested in who you know and how you know them, but because I try my best to treat people the way I'd like to be treated.

You have a very large wall put up. And from behind that wall you tend to throw harsh words and criticisms to people who may not feel the same way you do about things. It seems to me that you isolate yourself away from other people because of the people you know - but how can you possibly know if that's what people want from you if you don't give them a chance?

Some people are fucking ignorant, I have no doubt in my mind. And the others? The genuine people who'd like to know the person behind the camera? Well, some of them are a bit put off, I won't lie. At the end of the day, no one is better than anyone - we're all people with fears, hopes, dreams and trust issues.

Micky immediately responded (without prompting from me) and said: To Anonymous:

I think what you said was nicely put...and for that maturity, I commend you.

When I first met Jodie, I had heard all of the stories before about supposed attitude, or "nasty looks" from her.

However, I walked right up to her, drunkenly threw my arm around her, and said, "I want you to sing a song with me!"

It was instant. It was genuine. And neither one of us batted an eyelash.

I'm not one to listen to people's opinions and just believe them...but yes, some people are put off by Jodie. Just as most people are put off by me.

They see confidence and confuse it with cockiness. They see insecurity and confuse it with attention-seeking. They see talent and they confuse it with entitlement. They see kindness and confuse it with weakness.

I don't really know why everyone has insisted that it's so difficult to befriend Jodie...it really isn't.

Genuine intentions speak volumes, and so do ingenuous intentions.

Maybe we should all just not come at each other with preconceived notions...and just wipe the slate clean.

It was very nicely put and mature. I really appreciate the fact that this person was able to stay level headed and not just bash me or use their "adult words" because I have seemingly overlooked them.

To this anonymous person I say -- for starters, I apologize to you that I have made you feel anything less than special. Yes, I do have a very large wall built -- and it's been put there for a reason. I was once a naive and over-trusting person and that landed me nowhere. It landed me in bad situations and bad situational friendships. It landed me in places where my so-called-friends used me for everything that they thought that I was worth and then they tossed me aside. So now that you know that, perhaps you can understand that wall and why it's there.

It's there from previous years before Monkeys and it's there because of the few "bad apples" I've met because of Monkeys. Some people are great actors -- some people will say and do anything to get you to trust them and then they fuck you over and you're the idiot standing there robbed saying, "I should have known better"... I know that this is not all people - but it's happened to me more times than I care to share, and unfortunately, the wall grows higher and then the good people with genuine intentions are forced to scale it. For some it's easy... others give up.

Like Micky said - it's not impossible to get around. There isn't an application to be my friend... there isn't someone better suited for the position than not, it's mostly just trust. If you trust me and I trust you -- then there it is. Honesty, I believe is the best way to get that across.

I actually had no idea that I had a reputation as... whatever it is that my reputation is. Honestly, I am a very insecure person - honestly, I feign most of my confidence, but in feigning it I feel like it *actually* gives me some. I tend to hide behind my camera and that wall that I've built, but you know what? In that instant that Micky threw her drunken arm around me, both of our walls vanished because there were no ego's, there were no ulterior motives... there was just honesty and yes, we both were in a vulnerable position at that moment. She could have used me and I could have used her... but because we're both honest and good people, thankfully we have a lifelong REAL friendship that blossomed out of that.

I am more than apt to giving people chances, and I'd be more than happy to get to know you if you choose to unveil yourself. (Privately, of course.)

Please don't think I overlooked any part of your comment -- if I have, please let me know and I'd be happy to address any of it. I am not ashamed of it or anything that you have to say.

Yes, I do isolate myself and like I mentioned, I hide behind my camera and that big huge wall... but hopefully now you're able to see the reasons *why* I do those things...

And another thing... you can't always believe everything that you hear. I've had 2 people who were "brave enough" to befriend me after they heard... whatever it was that they heard... and they happily dispelled other rumors to their friends. Of course, both of those people were people that I had heard things about as well... and you know, in such a tight, close knit circle, it's hard not to believe the shit that people say about other people. But... the rumors about those two people were not true on my end either.

I'm more than happy to give people chances. Honestly. Most of them just never give me the chance to...

Of all the times that people have said that I've hurt their feelings I've more than apologized. If you knew me then you would know that I cannot stand the thought of hurting people's feelings. I don't tend to come out and say exactly what I mean for fear that people won't like what it is that I have to say...

I really wish those who didn't like me knew how much time I spend thinking about why people don't like me. How much it hurts me when people talk behind my back, make up lies, exaggerate stories of encounters, make me out to be this monster... Then again I wish that it were enough for me to just be happy that I have the love and trust of those that I do...

I'm a very conflicted person. I over think everything and Anonymous person, I've done nothing but think of your comment since I read it. That's how much you have affected me. That's how much I worry about being liked.

If you choose to come to me privately, we can talk. If not... then please know that I did try. If I can give you a reason for why I haven't befriended you sooner, than I will -- an honest reason.

I'm not good at this, you know... I don't have someone out there who can create an image for me. I can't be the "typical" Sagittarius and just say what I think and do what I want without any apologies. I apologize too much, for that, I am sorry. (That was a mini-joke... get it...)

I've tried to add all friend requests on Facebook, trying to get to know people more -- but then no one new ever talks to me... they just sit there and I'm confused on who they are when I look at my friends list. So then I went through and deleted all of those people who never talked to me and utilized their medium in order to be my friend. I felt bad and guilty for it... See that! I felt bad for deleting people that never talked to me.

Now, this comment has me all wrapped up in people not thinking that I have a heart or something. I honestly don't know what to do... I honestly don't know what I want. Yes, I want friends. But no, I don't just want to be your friend because we like the same band. Then what? Then we're just going to sit there and talk about the damn band all the time. I can't stand that. I can't stand when I post a Facebook status and EVERYTHING must be related back to Monkeys. God, I love them... I love them with every cell in my body, I do... but I don't want to only talk about them. I'll go crazy.

So sure, we meet at a Monkey's concert or something and you introduce yourself to me... that's amazing... let's talk about the band for a second... (it's the obvious of what we have in common...) sure, let's exchange information or whatever... but then, I'd like to get to know YOU and I would hope you want to get to know ME. Because if you're basing everything you know about me off of 100 Monkeys then you are missing so fucking much.

Photo of the day:

When I Grow Up...

Second blog for the day. I may as well do it if the urge strikes me, right? (That's what she said.)

I can't remember all the things that I wanted to be when I was a kid. I can't remember my dreams of wanting to be a flight attendant, teacher or a princess.

I remember in kindergarten that choir was mandatory and I was the only girl in class that looked forward to it. I remember hearing Whitney Houston's Bodygaurd soundtrack and I remember singing right into the speaker, emulating her... aching to do that... sing.

I didn't realize that it could actually be a career -- that you could potentially make your living off of singing. But from then on all I ever wanted to do was sing.

Around the time I was seven or so I started modeling. As I've mentioned before, my mother is a photographer and so it was a simple transition/decision.

Of course, as I've mentioned before on other blogs and mediums, I wish that when I was that age that someone would have encouraged a healthy lifestyle for me. I wish that they would have told me just because I was the tallest girl in the class didn't mean that I was fat. Everyone in school called me fat... and thus, I became what it was that they saw of me.

If I could have made it through my teenage years without being fat then I could have continued with a successful modeling career... but... everything happens for a reason, right?

Now... I'm behind the camera versus in front of it.

Photography wasn't one of the things that I dreamed of doing when I was a child... but I suppose we rarely get our dreams. I did however, have a short lived music career and now I'm happy to be in a band with my best friend Micky called The Oh Noz!, it makes me so happy to be getting musically creative again. They say that a photo is worth a thousand words, but I think where you can't get something across in photography you can get across in music and vice versa.

What was it that you wanted to be as a child? What stopped you? Why aren't you going for your dreams now?

Situational Friendship

"You take your cigarettes ultra light, 

I like to take them straight, 

You always feel so blue... 

I always feel great."

My mother is very smart. She's taught me many things. She taught me all about photography... (she's an incredible artist herself...)

I mimicked one of her iconic photographs earlier this year, actually.

Mama's original:

My take:

The difference here is that her's is amazing and mine is completely mediocre. At least I am a good enough artist to realize this. My favorite part of hers is everything - my favorite part of mine is the billow of smoke.

Regardless -- she's taught me about photography... she's taught me words that I live by, a quote by Jen Platz: "You never know when you will be reduced to camping." Take that one with you kids, she's amazing.

Amongst her amazing and inspiring art and words she's taught me about something she calls "situational friendship."

I was bitching to her about 2 months ago that people didn't care about ME... that they didn't want to know ME - they wanted to know who I knew, what I knew or my photos. (I had said, once upon a time, that I wanted people to give me attention -- I will reiterate this, kids: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.)

My Mama told me to stop bitching. She said that I was making myself out to be a victim here and while it is unfortunate that more people don't take the time to get to know ME, that I shouldn't write everyone off just because of it.

There are those people out there that we call "situational friends". I am your friend because we know the same people, travel in the same circle, because we have something to gain from each other -- we aren't USING each other... because you can benefit from me and I can benefit from you -- we are friends... just not the lasting kind.

It's like any other "normal" job - you're friends with the person the next cubical over because it's easier to be friendly than to keep to yourself... it's easy because you have that built in person that you can talk to at the water cooler and you know that someone is always there having your back. This person isn't going to be your friend when you get laid off from your job two years down the line -- but it was nice to have them there while they lasted.

My Mama is going to school to be a nurse (she's a Jack of all trades, if you will...) she said that she became friends with the girl who sits next to her in class because they can trade notes and they'll have each others back if one of them has to miss a class... my Mama = smart woman.

Now I don't take it so personally when it's a give and take kind of friendship that approaches me. Perhaps we both can gain from each other in this situational friendship...

However...

It wouldn't hurt to have a few more ACTUAL friends out there who will have my back when I fall and skin my knees... most situational friends tend to flee at the first sign of trouble. (Scroll back up there and re-read that getting laid off part... yeah.)

I said on Twitter a few weeks ago that I was lonely... a follower replied back with "why are you lonely? You're awesomesauce and super talented. How is it possible for you not to be surrounded by people?" That comment really stuck with me. I had to favorite it even though it was so sad. While the compliments inside the note were sweet and I took them to heart -- it's amazing that people don't understand. I love them all... I love each and every person that follows me, I love each and every person that's ever saved one of my photos on their computer or fanned my Facebook page... I really, really, honestly and genuinely love them all with every inch of my heart --- but I'm so lonely.

I'm so lonely because I don't know who I can trust. I'm so lonely because I don't have anyone that I can tell my secrets to. I'm so lonely because no one will listen. I'm so lonely because no one sees me... or takes the time to see me... or takes the time to get to know me.


Yes, there are exceptions to the rule and believe me, I know those who I can count on in a real situation. So... no angry texts from the few I can count on my hand that will argue with me about what I've just said. But, most of those people have lives... wait. Actually, all of those people have lives... all of those people don't live here with me.

And then there's the others that say how much I can come to them... how they love ME for ME yet they only come around when I'm going to a show or I post new photos. Do you know how many people comment or "like" my photography outside of 100 Monkeys? Like... 2 people. I wonder if people even look at it.

You know, my last post I said that I was speaking to the whole four of you that read it and I was surprised that I got a few comments -- I know there's those out there who read but don't comment... I appreciate all of you too...

This was just something I wanted to talk about for a while -- not bitching about the life that I have made for myself - I honestly wouldn't trade it for anything... and perhaps it's better that I have the close friends that I do - most of them are artists and can understand the artists life. It's good to have those ears to listen to me and those shoulders to lean on when I need them.

I love all my friends... situational or not. :)

Photo of the day:

Photo of the Bay Bridge that I took in San Francisco. Reminds me of my mama.

One Amazing Year

I'm about to get sentimental on you...

One year ago today was the first time I ever met Jackson.

Now, for so many of my friends (including my best friend Jennifer) today marks the first time that they ever saw 100 Monkeys live. I had already seen 100 Monkeys twice in August, however, Jackson wasn't there for those shows -- thus, November 7, 2009 was the first time that I ever met Jackson and the first time that I ever saw 100 Monkeys as a full band.

My how far I've come in a year.

I just went back into my blog from a year ago to see what all I had said about Jackson and my first full 100 Monkeys experience and I actually used the same icon that I did a year ago... without trying. :) Funny, it just seemed so appropriate for today.

I tried (and failed) to meet Jay three times before I was actually successful, which... we all know, waiting for something makes it that much sweeter in the end. November 7, 2009 was a great day. I won't say it was the best day of my life - but at that moment it ranked pretty high on the list. I still hold it amongst the memories I love. It seems so long ago, in a sense... and yet, I at times can't believe that it's only been a year.

I really don't think there's any amount of words that can sum up how much it means to me. I only have a few that really hit it on the head:

Be careful what you wish for...

November 2009, Nashville

January 2010, Tulsa

March 2010, Des Moines

March 2010, STL

April 2010, Nashville

June 2010, Seattle

July 2010, Arizona

October 2010, Baton Rouge

Of course those aren't all the photos that I have with him -- I have to keep some things private and just for myself.

I can't and won't even begin to tell you how far I've/we've come in the last year. I suppose it is unfortunate that a year ago I could say and spill anything I wanted and it didn't matter because no one cared to listen and now, now I keep everything to myself... for many different reasons... but yeah. I don't mind though - it makes all of those moments and memories a hundred times more special. 

I will say this, however; I do not take one moment with him (or any of those boys, for that matter) for granted. I appreciate it and them more than I am sure they even know and more than you all could ever comprehend. 

I can't believe it's only been a year... another one of these "year" blogs will be coming at the end of the southern tour... so be prepared for that. It's already being written in my head. 

Thanks to the four of you who read this. :)

26/26

"Never dreamt of such sterile hands..."





26 days until my 26th birthday.

I love the countdown to my birthday. I am determined to make this one a good one... from December 1, 2009 all the way up until now... (and time is still passing...) this has been the best year of my life. Hands down. Without a doubt. Actually, I reckon it could have all started back in August 2009. :) December was really just a good kick off.

December 1, 2009 I bought Grape by 100 Monkeys for one of my birthday presents. Later that day I got my first Fender electric guitar. *happiness*

Of course, other than those two things it wasn't a very good birthday at all. I spent it all alone and no one really gave a shit that I was having a birthday. 25 is supposed to be better than that.

For 26 it's definitely going to be something a bit more enjoyable. I'm spending it with a select group of friends. I'm hoping that I get birthday phone calls even though everyone knows I'm not going to answer the phone... and on my actual birthday, the plan is a new tattoo.

Blah, blah, blah.

No one is listening.

xx

Divorce Amongst Friends

"Faced with the Dodo's conundrum, 

I felt like I could just fly, 

But nothing happened every time I tried..." 

Let's face it - not all friendships last. Unfortunately, friendships are not the same as relationships or marriages. You don't get alimony and there wasn't a prenup.

So usually you are left with nothing.

I feel bad for those with mutual friends, but in my last friendship snafu breakup, I gave the mutual friends to the other person. (I'm generous, what can I say...?)

You know when you file for a divorce you must cite a reason for the split. And both parties must sign the documents acknowledging and understanding what is happening...


The world is full of good people -- they're all good people. There are good people that do bad things, and there are good people that do good things. But there are no bad people. No one was born bad. People just make bad decisions in life.

And you know what? Sometimes if you let those people go... if you let them turn and walk out the door and you don't call back for them? That's the best decision that you can ever make. Because the people that want you to run after them... hold onto them... beg them to stay? Nah. You're not worth their time if they're not even going to try to put you in their life. Let them go. You deserve so much better, little dove.

This message brought to you by scissors. Like... kitchen shears.

Photo of the Day:

xx