"Surrounded by familiar faces with no names,
None of them know me or want to share my pain,
They only wish to bask in my light then fade away,
To win my love, to them a game,
To watch me live my life in vain,
When all is done and the glitter fades away..." My blog "Situational Friendship" was quite popular. I got 7 comments, which is pretty high for me (sadly), thus I can't even imagine how many people read it. I don't have a counter on my blog or I'd be obsessed with it. I also don't have a tracker on my blog, or I'd be obsessed with it...
Regardless...
Most of the comments were positive and supportive... understanding...
However there was one anonymous comment that I wanted to respond to on here.
Comment: First of all, I'm not spamming nor am I trolling your blog. You don't know me from the next person in a crowded place, but I have been in your presence a few times. And for what it's worth, I've made an attempt to befriend you. Not because I'm interested in who you know and how you know them, but because I try my best to treat people the way I'd like to be treated.
You have a very large wall put up. And from behind that wall you tend to throw harsh words and criticisms to people who may not feel the same way you do about things. It seems to me that you isolate yourself away from other people because of the people you know - but how can you possibly know if that's what people want from you if you don't give them a chance?
Some people are fucking ignorant, I have no doubt in my mind. And the others? The genuine people who'd like to know the person behind the camera? Well, some of them are a bit put off, I won't lie. At the end of the day, no one is better than anyone - we're all people with fears, hopes, dreams and trust issues.
Micky immediately responded (without prompting from me) and said: To Anonymous:
I think what you said was nicely put...and for that maturity, I commend you.
When I first met Jodie, I had heard all of the stories before about supposed attitude, or "nasty looks" from her.
However, I walked right up to her, drunkenly threw my arm around her, and said, "I want you to sing a song with me!"
It was instant. It was genuine. And neither one of us batted an eyelash.
I'm not one to listen to people's opinions and just believe them...but yes, some people are put off by Jodie. Just as most people are put off by me.
They see confidence and confuse it with cockiness. They see insecurity and confuse it with attention-seeking. They see talent and they confuse it with entitlement. They see kindness and confuse it with weakness.
I don't really know why everyone has insisted that it's so difficult to befriend Jodie...it really isn't.
Genuine intentions speak volumes, and so do ingenuous intentions.
Maybe we should all just not come at each other with preconceived notions...and just wipe the slate clean.
It was very nicely put and mature. I really appreciate the fact that this person was able to stay level headed and not just bash me or use their "adult words" because I have seemingly overlooked them.
To this anonymous person I say -- for starters, I apologize to you that I have made you feel anything less than special. Yes, I do have a very large wall built -- and it's been put there for a reason. I was once a naive and over-trusting person and that landed me nowhere. It landed me in bad situations and bad situational friendships. It landed me in places where my so-called-friends used me for everything that they thought that I was worth and then they tossed me aside. So now that you know that, perhaps you can understand that wall and why it's there.
It's there from previous years before Monkeys and it's there because of the few "bad apples" I've met because of Monkeys. Some people are great actors -- some people will say and do anything to get you to trust them and then they fuck you over and you're the idiot standing there robbed saying, "I should have known better"... I know that this is not all people - but it's happened to me more times than I care to share, and unfortunately, the wall grows higher and then the good people with genuine intentions are forced to scale it. For some it's easy... others give up.
Like Micky said - it's not impossible to get around. There isn't an application to be my friend... there isn't someone better suited for the position than not, it's mostly just trust. If you trust me and I trust you -- then there it is. Honesty, I believe is the best way to get that across.
I actually had no idea that I had a reputation as... whatever it is that my reputation is. Honestly, I am a very insecure person - honestly, I feign most of my confidence, but in feigning it I feel like it *actually* gives me some. I tend to hide behind my camera and that wall that I've built, but you know what? In that instant that Micky threw her drunken arm around me, both of our walls vanished because there were no ego's, there were no ulterior motives... there was just honesty and yes, we both were in a vulnerable position at that moment. She could have used me and I could have used her... but because we're both honest and good people, thankfully we have a lifelong REAL friendship that blossomed out of that.
I am more than apt to giving people chances, and I'd be more than happy to get to know you if you choose to unveil yourself. (Privately, of course.)
Please don't think I overlooked any part of your comment -- if I have, please let me know and I'd be happy to address any of it. I am not ashamed of it or anything that you have to say.
Yes, I do isolate myself and like I mentioned, I hide behind my camera and that big huge wall... but hopefully now you're able to see the reasons *why* I do those things...
And another thing... you can't always believe everything that you hear. I've had 2 people who were "brave enough" to befriend me after they heard... whatever it was that they heard... and they happily dispelled other rumors to their friends. Of course, both of those people were people that I had heard things about as well... and you know, in such a tight, close knit circle, it's hard not to believe the shit that people say about other people. But... the rumors about those two people were not true on my end either.
I'm more than happy to give people chances. Honestly. Most of them just never give me the chance to...
Of all the times that people have said that I've hurt their feelings I've more than apologized. If you knew me then you would know that I cannot stand the thought of hurting people's feelings. I don't tend to come out and say exactly what I mean for fear that people won't like what it is that I have to say...
I really wish those who didn't like me knew how much time I spend thinking about why people don't like me. How much it hurts me when people talk behind my back, make up lies, exaggerate stories of encounters, make me out to be this monster... Then again I wish that it were enough for me to just be happy that I have the love and trust of those that I do...
I'm a very conflicted person. I over think everything and Anonymous person, I've done nothing but think of your comment since I read it. That's how much you have affected me. That's how much I worry about being liked.
If you choose to come to me privately, we can talk. If not... then please know that I did try. If I can give you a reason for why I haven't befriended you sooner, than I will -- an honest reason.
I'm not good at this, you know... I don't have someone out there who can create an image for me. I can't be the "typical" Sagittarius and just say what I think and do what I want without any apologies. I apologize too much, for that, I am sorry. (That was a mini-joke... get it...)
I've tried to add all friend requests on Facebook, trying to get to know people more -- but then no one new ever talks to me... they just sit there and I'm confused on who they are when I look at my friends list. So then I went through and deleted all of those people who never talked to me and utilized their medium in order to be my friend. I felt bad and guilty for it... See that! I felt bad for deleting people that never talked to me.
Now, this comment has me all wrapped up in people not thinking that I have a heart or something. I honestly don't know what to do... I honestly don't know what I want. Yes, I want friends. But no, I don't just want to be your friend because we like the same band. Then what? Then we're just going to sit there and talk about the damn band all the time. I can't stand that. I can't stand when I post a Facebook status and EVERYTHING must be related back to Monkeys. God, I love them... I love them with every cell in my body, I do... but I don't want to only talk about them. I'll go crazy.
So sure, we meet at a Monkey's concert or something and you introduce yourself to me... that's amazing... let's talk about the band for a second... (it's the obvious of what we have in common...) sure, let's exchange information or whatever... but then, I'd like to get to know YOU and I would hope you want to get to know ME. Because if you're basing everything you know about me off of 100 Monkeys then you are missing so fucking much.
Photo of the day:
7 comments:
Hey hun, I have to say to you that I understand totally why you put your wall up, I do it myself having been badly fucked over myself, when I met you I saw a part of myself in you. Ignorance has many faces I have found and yes I found you because of 100 monkeys but thats not the reason I choose to befriend you. I used to trust too much and I got hurt, now I dont make friends that easily as I dont want to open up to anyone, its safer if I dont xx
One day I hope you'll accept the fact that you're just one of those kinds of people grabs the attention of everyone in the room. It's not just a function of being physically the most beautiful person there, it's about the way you carry yourself. It's about how the people who are around feel when you're nearby. You make people happy. That's a trait that not many people possess.
I read, but don't post yet I felt the need to now. I met Jodie about 6 years ago. My 1st encounter with her was over the phone. She was at a Jordan Knight concert and my friend was saving my seat while I drove the 3 hours up there. I guess it upset Jodie so I told my friend to tell the bitch to shut up. When I actually got there and met Jodie I realized she was cool. I talked to her and the 3 people that she was with. They were from KC too and had recognized me as 1 of the girls that got to bowl with JC Chasez so we exchanged info and talked about going to see JC together in KC the next week. Sadly 2 of those girls there were users, but it was not Jodie. I'm sure that she'll agree that she was also used by these 2 girls. Anyway, it was Jordan Knight and JC Chasez that brought us together, but we have become friends outside of that because I wanted to know Jodie. My biggest regret is that although we were close, I think I got closer with 1 of the users 1st. I wish it had been Jodie that I had gotten closer to first and had asked to be in my wedding. I love Jodie to death and am so glad that our Bitch encounter 6 years ago led to this. I understand why she has a wall up and don't blame her. But if you get to know her for her and who she is, you won't regret it!
I read, but don't post yet I felt the need to now. I met Jodie about 6 years ago. My 1st encounter with her was over the phone. She was at a Jordan Knight concert and my friend was saving my seat while I drove the 3 hours up there. I guess it upset Jodie so I told my friend to tell the bitch to shut up. When I actually got there and met Jodie I realized she was cool. I talked to her and the 3 people that she was with. They were from KC too and had recognized me as 1 of the girls that got to bowl with JC Chasez so we exchanged info and talked about going to see JC together in KC the next week. Sadly 2 of those girls there were users, but it was not Jodie. I'm sure that she'll agree that she was also used by these 2 girls. Anyway, it was Jordan Knight and JC Chasez that brought us together, but we have become friends outside of that because I wanted to know Jodie. My biggest regret is that although we were close, I think I got closer with 1 of the users 1st. I wish it had been Jodie that I had gotten closer to first and had asked to be in my wedding. I love Jodie to death and am so glad that our Bitch encounter 6 years ago led to this. I understand why she has a wall up and don't blame her. But if you get to know her for her and who she is, you won't regret it!
well, I've already said my piece in an impressively long phone email, BUT, someone likes ''comments'' and stufff, so..
#1 - my personal motto is fake it till ya make it. I know sometimes you throw out bravado and appear confident when you're self doubting on an epic scale....but like you said, every little pretend leaves behind a seed of confidence...you'll get there someday, and the wall will start to come down. :) #2 - speaking on a few dedicated folks who want to take the time to scale walls....its a good thing I'm squirrelly and like a challenge. Lol
**this message was brought to you from a tiny keypad on a palm pre in california. Forgive any spelling errors. :)
I think it takes amazing courage to lay yourself bare emotionally and especially so publicly. I admire your confidence....faked, real, whatever. I do adore you and love you and think you are very talented and an all around awesome kinda gal (from the bits I've been so privileged to know). What I've seen makes me think that you're beautiful, funny, kind, giving, talented...and I love you! <3
It's funny, when I met Jodie for the first time, she was a vague name i'd read once or twice somewhere in the monkeyverse. I had no preconceived notions or her, neither biased towards adoration nor hatred. I met her in person before I ever even spoke to her online I believe. Our first encounter was a Monkey show in Tulsa, OK in January of this year. (We were both at the SBL in August of the previous year, but apparently fates didn't deem it proper for us to meet at that point in time) I am not sure if I went up to her or she to me, it all has blurred into an amazing amalgamation of happy, fun, and tired memories. But we spoke a bit at that first little in-store show.. and somehow, grew attached at the hip for the next few months. I didn't find her to have that standoffish attitude that people speak of, I did not find any massive walls, (though that may be because I was/am no one and thus she knew I was no one to fear)
I love Jodie. She has a heart of gold. I've never seen her be mean to anyone. I've never even heard harsh comments towards anyone (unless they were well deserved coments.) I have, however, seen/heard alot of undeserved cruelty in her direction. She is a person, no less than everyone else. She has fears, dreams, hopes, insecurities, and feelings like the rest of us. She does happen to also posess a wonderful talent for photography, an amazing singing voice that can bring you to tears with the right song, a beautiful face,and a basically good soul, but nontheless, she has failings and makes human errors and miscalculations and bad decisions just like the rest of us.
I have found, over the last 18ish months, that there are some freaking amazing people in the monkeyverse, and there are also a good number of snakes. Please, don't let jealousy, ignorances, or plain old mean spitefulness cost you the opportunity to know such a lovely young lady. Give her a chance. Don't expect her to make all the first steps and to come barreling at you with open arms. She has been given good reason by quite a few people not to do so. But I believe if you make the effort to speak to her, as she said...not solely about 100 Monkeys, and not friending her merely to steal/gawk at her amazing photos, you will find it is far more than worth you time in the end.
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