The Results Are In...

I just got a call from Angel over at Malley Surgical about the Lap-Band contest. Find out what she said... after the jump!

xoxox

Self Worth

"Hunger hurts, and I wanna hurt so bad,
Oh it kills,
Cuz I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up,
I've got to fold cuz these hands are too shaky hold,
Hunger hurts, but starving works,
But it costs too much, to love..."

Sometimes things just randomly pop into my head, as this one did - and I was lucky that it stuck there long enough for me to remember to write a blog about it.

Tomorrow -- well, today if you're counting the date on top of this blog -- Wednesday, I have a date... I guess I haven't been on a proper date in around a year or so... I had a lame ass boyfriend for a while, but he only took me out on one date - other than that he just came to my house where we just drank beer, smoked pot and he made fun of my best friend... not what I would call a date by any means.

Oh, we did manage to go to the bar quite often, but ehh, that's not a date. Last time I saw him was for my birthday. (I dumped him, if you were wondering. That might be a whole other blog in itself...)

Onward... I met him and started dating him in March, we were on and off til December. On one of our 'off' periods in late April/early May Jennifer and I were at the casino when this cute hottie boy came over to our table and asked me what my name was, chatted with us for a few and then went back to his friend. I was giddy because he was so cute!!

His name was Aaron, he had an iPhone and I remember that I was impressed with it because they were still new then. He came back to our table later and sat with us, had a few cigarettes, chatted me up and we swapped numbers...

He was too cute... way too cute.

It was near closing time and we left... he called me before we had gotten to the car and I ignored the call. He persisted and called and called and called...

I was glad that I didn't answer the phone because he was clearly crazy... he called me for like 2 days straight. Never once leaving a message. Weirdo.

But that's not why I didn't answer... I didn't answer because I was like, "why would a guy like THAT want to be with a girl like ME?"

My entire life I've battled self worth. I definitely do not feel like I'm good enough for anything. I'll be the first to tell you, I don't deserve a lot...

I'm not sure if my self worth image has to do anything with my obesity, but I'm sure as heck that it doesn't help. I guess I would say it's worse because of my obesity, but it's not based on it. I say that because I've never felt I was good enough for anything my whole life, and I haven't always been overweight.

I was quite normal at one point in life. I didn't have an issue with my weight until I was 11, when I gained weight upon moving to Kansas City, but by 14, with the help of puberty and an eating disorder, I was a very normal weight -- only to gain all that, plus back and by 15 I was 200 pounds.

(Realization moment: In 9 years, (which just so happen to be the 9 years I've been with Jennifer) I've gained 100 pounds. Well then...)

Off weight, back to self worth -- it's absolutely too ridiculous for me to believe that that guy didn't want me for me... He obviously was talking to me, right? He asked for my number, right? He even called, right? So then what the fuck is wrong with me to feel I don't deserve him?

I've done that with friends. Pretty girls, like "I'm-so-pretty-I-should-be-on-TV" pretty have come up and talked to me at bars and clubs and I always get nervous and suspicious like they have it out for me or something... or that they want something from me...

I definitely settle in life, just because I feel I don't deserve any better. Yes, I have very high goals set for myself, but somehow I always fall short of them because something happens, a set back, something to make me believe like I don't deserve it.

I guess this Lap-Band thing is a good example. I was so surprised to get two call backs because I was so sure that I didn't deserve it. I'm still 99% sure that I won't actually win the Lap-Band surgery, but I am very proud of myself for how far I came with it.

So we've covered men, goals... friends...

Friends... We all know that I've lied to people in the past, that I've sometimes elaborated on details to make myself sound better and more awesome... why? I can honestly say that it's because me for me isn't nearly enough to offer.

I still do it to Jennifer, she knows about it too -- she knows I'm not always truthful... at least I don't lie about things that will end up hurting her, I guess sometimes I just embellish on my day to make it more appealing. Her days are filled with awesomeness and stories and me and my mundane job, my mundane life - I don't do much. So I make up stuff. I'm creative, I'm an artist... I've done it my whole life... I really can't remember not doing it. I can vividly remember doing this in grade school.

I reckon this at some point was a cry for attention. Only child, broken home, shuffled between the houses of broken parents, etc... I guess I wanted to live in an imaginary world - I could make it anything I wanted, I could make it as perfect as I wanted.

This is nice and therapeutic... I'm having breakthroughs here, people...

I really have gotten better at lying, or bending the truth as life has gone on. When I was a teenager I used to completely fabricate full on stories... Now I just stretch slightly. ;-) And, no, it's not everyday, no it's not every time... I don't want you to be suspicious that I'm always lying or something... Trust me, it doesn't even matter it's so minimal now.

Jenn and I watched Nip/Tuck tonight and lesbian-whatsername is engaged to Christian, one of the plastic surgeons... they were having her shower and her mom was constantly wondering and questioning why they were getting married... Finally she came out and said that Christian had cancer and probably only had 6 months to live... her mom said, "oh, now I get it!" And lesbian-whatsername went on and on saying "what? you get what? you get that we're engaged now because he's sick? Because you don't think an attractive doctor could want me for me?" Then she told her mother that it was because of all her friends in the room that she had any self worth at all because her mother hadn't given her any when she was a child.

I guess that's how I feel, except I'm unsure of how I feel within my circle of friends. Sure, I adore them -- and they love me back. I have faith that if they didn't love me, they would leave... but sometimes their awesome overpowers me and I wonder how I came to be their friend in the first place.

Was I at one time, when I met them, more awesome? And with time, my awesome has depreciated? Or do they love me just the way I am... for some unknown reason they actually love this weird Jodie within all this excess skin and blubber...?

I'm sure they will all say the latter... but that could potentially be one of those truth stretching itself outward to protect the person they desire not to hurt, but to entertain.

Pic:

I feel this way about some people who intrude on my Twilight... or my Robert.

*wink*

xoxox

Angel From My Nightmare

"It's hard to wake up when the shades have been pulled shut
This house is haunted, it's so pathetic, it makes no sense at all,
I'm ripe with things to say, my words rot and fall away,
If this stupid poem, could fix this home, I'd read it everyday..."

The highlighted lyric is how I feel... let's see if I can pick out the good words and work on from there.

First of all, thanks so much to the readers/viewers/stalkers (LOL) whatever you wanna call yourselves. ;-) Comments are yay and I'm happy I've been getting more of them. :-) If you have a blog and you comment my blog, I'll follow your blog and comment them dos. Yay?!

I've been doing well expressing myself via blog lately. I am loving how organic and natural speaking on here is becoming. I guess there was once a time several months ago -to- around a year ago that speaking on here was difficult and it was hard for me to remain accurate and honest with my day to day life accounts.

Although there are many parts of my private life I leave out of this blog (parentals, jobs I'm holding down - (too boring and gross to go into discussion) - some aspirations I don't want crushed, and things I find might be TOO bragging) I try to divulge as much as is necessary in order to get my point across.

I guess I've been doing a good job at it, but perhaps not good enough... (Now, I feel like I'm not making sense at all. Sometimes my mind races faster than the words I want to get out can come out.)

You are in the middle of a giant wheel, as you stand in the middle of this wheel - the things you love, the things that affect your life and other parts of it stand around you; this wheel spins.

Life is a silly wheel, you know? Sometimes it goes around and around and everything stays perfect just where it is - then sometimes it spins a lil too fast and a few things fall off (jobs, friends, people die, electronics you love crash) sometimes the next time the wheel spins around you pick them back up (new jobs, new friends, getting over the death of a loved one, new BlackBerries and computers) ...and then sometimes you don't.

As this wheel of life spins, in the greater sense of things I've learned that the point of this wheel is to keep it spinning. There's no point jumping off the wheel chasing after things that were meant to be falling off...

In conclusion, my wheel is going at a fine pace, wish it could go a little faster, but it's nice a steady - everything where it is in my life now, is staying there - the things that aren't there anymore are off sent into the universe, doing good (or bad) somewhere else on someone else's wheel.

Playlist:

I hope all this made sense. It's bound to go over someone's head. LOL

Piccc:


Robert Fucking Pattinson at the Oscars. Lordy meee... he cleans up gooood... though there are many parts of me (parts I like to keep covered...) that like him unshowered, unshaven, and dirrrrrty... I saw hundreds of RPattz photos from Sunday, but this was the only one that made me actually stop breathing. His eyes are piercing my soul... those lips areaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... excuse me while I flatline.

The All Night Blog

"Could you sympathize with my needs?
I know you think I need a lot..."

--http://twitpic.com/1mhey - ever notice how wine openers look like lil men?!

I was so bored today I was actually contemplating shoving a pen in my eye just so I could have something interesting happen to me. Instead I decided to crack open a bottle of wine. That ^^ one, actually.

I've had about a glass of wine and I'm starting to feel it, oh right... I haven't eaten in days.

The other day I drank a whole bottle and didn't feel a thing. How can that be? Man... that's not good.

WTF am I watching? This is like, Eskimos in an igloo drinking cosmopolitans...?

Alright, new plan... it's 9:31p, I'm just going to blog all night long... Literally. It's Saturday, Jenn should be home by 2a and I'm so fucking bored, so yeah, let's see how this goes. I'm just basically going to type everything (well...) I think.

9:32 - Samantha Brown on the Travel Channel is apparently what I was watching. I like her, she's slightly annoying, but not so annoying that I turn the channel. She's one lucky bitch. I've watched her for years and she's been everywhere. Now, how do I get her job?

9:33 - uh oh, I lost the clicker...

9:34 - nevermind, I found it...

I am obsessed with Twitter now. I update it like, constantly, yet no one gives two shakes. LOL I'm on SecretTwit, which is like, PostSecret, but with Twitter... it's super interesting.

9:35 - I'm listening to Matchbox 20... Seriously. Add me, assholes. http://www.last.fm/user/hellojodie

9:37 - ooh, House is on. I'm watching it for the third time today...

So, I've been thinking recently, and in light of this entire Lap-Band thing I think I've realized just how fucked I am. I'm having dinner with the dad/step mom combo on the 1st and I'm going to tell them that I am/was up for the surgery and see what they say. I might even get deep and admit fault in how huge and *cringe* morbidly obese I am... Ideally, the response I would love to get from them would be -- "well if you don't win the surgery we'll help you..." I don't have the money reserved to get the surgery myself, I don't have insurance, I don't have credit to finance it. I need help...

That's the first time I've been able to admit that I need help when it comes to losing weight. It's been years and I still have done nothing but harm myself. I really don't know what I'm going to do...

9:50 - just watched Aston's video of the inside of Demi's Oscar party. He's awesome, I love Ashton. He's very personable. I think that's Iowa talking.

9:51 - got some cork pieces in my next glass of wine... Man, I thought I did that perfect too. Guess not...

9:59 - I think I want to walk to the gas station and get something to nosh...

10:12 - back... got more than I needed... finally listened to The Script "We Cry" on the way there... I adore it...

Speaking of birds... I was thinking of getting sparrows tattooed on me...

10:14 - Robert sure has a heckuva sense of humor. ;-) http://i40.tinypic.com/30ihk60.jpg

10:16 - am I eating because I'm hungry or because I'm bored and love the taste of food?

10:17 - Iced lemon cookie makes Mama happy.

10:20 - I don't really care for Cheetos, but I love the Flamin' Hot ones... why? Because nothing is ever hot enough for me... Just tried the Cheddar Jalapeno ones. Not hot enough, but I love the jalapeno taste!

10:22 - why do they call 'hot tubs' 'spas'??

10:23 - if someone replies back with JUST the answer to that question, I'll kill them.

10:36 - watching SNL. I think Hugh Laurie is the host... repeat that I missed so yay!

10:39 - Shout out to NaomiBug! You're pretty awesome for a total stranger! ;-)

10:50 - Hugh Laurie = hilarious and always reminds me of Nicole. :-)

10:55 - I'm pretty amazed that Hugh can just swap in and out between British/American accents.... but then again I can speak British at the drop of a hat...

10:56 - drop of a hat??? Who's dropping hats?

10:57 - holy crap he can sing in an American accent too... haha, he basically rocks the casbah.

11:07 - just called Jenn to bug the crap out of her and tell her that Justin's gonna climb Mt. Kilimanjaro --- okay, I just read that and oh Hell no. Justin can't do that. Fuck me.

11:11 - that Kanye West performance that everyone talked about it on... Wow, yeah he really sucks. He's got in-ears in... can't he hear how horrible he is?

11:19 - I'm thinking I might need to nap for a bit... will post this blog in a min.

12:53 - woke up from nap... snapped at Jennifer when she called... all I'm doing now is thinking about the Lap-Band... Shame on me.

I think this is where we part ways, my friend. I shall update tomorrow with something of interest and actual substance in a blog form.

Lovessssss.

Champagne From A Paper Cup

"That little f***** with the earring and the makeup
Yeah, buddy, that's his own hair...
That little f***** got his own jet airplane,
That little f***** he's a millionaire..."

I'm loving my Twitter right now.

So I tried a different brand of Champagne this week... it was hard to open and tasted... tasted... eh... I've never had trouble opening Champagne before, so that was weird... Come to think of it, when have I ever had trouble opening a drink?

I trimmed Bella's nails today with my PediPaws I got for Christmas from my step mom. I had already bought one, but I think I accidentally put it in storage, so it was quite handy to have two of them.

So we've all (I assume) have heard how they have a release date for New Moon (the 2nd Twilight movie) and they haven't even started filming the movie yet. (November 20, 2009) Well now they have a release date for Eclipse!!!!! (June 30, 2010) The movies are going to be filmed back to back and so close together that Chris Weitz (who's directing New Moon) won't be able to direct Eclipse because he'll be editing New Moon!!! Is that insane of whaaaaat?!

I'm freaking stoked.

So, I hate my natural hair color... I guess I was loving just the plain blond I did a min ago... I love the pink... was thinking about doing teal next... however, I get sick of doing my stupid roots. Was thinking of finally going black. The only time I've had black hair was when I had it on the underside from 2004-2006. Man, I rocked that look a long time. I don't want just brown hair. That's so plain and fugly. Who knows... who said looking good was easy.

Jodie's hair through the years:


Age 9?? Natural blond. Never chemically treated.


2001, age 17 I had no idea I had curly hair, my teens were pretty awkward.


After chemically treating my hair tons since I was 13, I decided it was time for a break and I didn't dye my hair for an entire year. 2007.


May 2008, back to blond...


June 2008, was already tired of keeping up with my roots, the darkest my hair has ever been.


Last week before pink - the lightest my hair has ever been.


Current, the pinkest my hair has ever been!

I've left out a few of them, couldn't find a good pic of a few of em... so what now?

I guess I didn't have a load to talk about... oh wells. Comments are love.

Pic:



xoxox

Joe-dee Plah-tzzzzz

Chris Brown>Rihanna

"Don't tell me you're sorry cuz you're not,
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught..."

Happy Birthday, Rihanna.

I haven't said anything about the entire Chris Brown/Rihanna thing up until now. Why? I have an opinion about everything, so why not? I guess I felt there wasn't enough evidence for me to make a proper evaluation yet.

Well, I have enough knowledge to make a full decision now.

Chris Brown's half-assed "apology/statement" was NOT enough.



[click here to view the original TMZ page]

She looks so sad...

I feel absolutely terrible that this happened to her. She doesn't deserve this. I absolutely adore her and just can't believe that this happened to her.

I officially have to delete my Chris Brown tracks from my iTunes. There's no way I'm going to be able to listen to his songs again. I've never deleted a song from iTunes. (with the exception of when I've had duplicated tracks.)

I can't wait to hear her side of the story. Poor lamb...

xoxox

Get better babe. Come back stronger and more awesome. If I ever see Chris Brown out, Imma show him what's up.

Lappie-Band Aid

"I'm not quite sure how to breathe without you here,
I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to say goodbye to all we were,
Be with me, stay with me, just for now,
Let the time decide when I won't need you..."

I had my meeting today for the Lap-Band surgery with 4 other chickas. From the minute I saw them, I hated them - they were my competition... but then they started to talk to me and I started to love them. They were so nice.

The actual meeting? I'm not sure how it went. I think I blew it. But then again, I thought I blew the last one. LOL! Which, Angel (the director of this whole ordeal) said that it was crazy, she had never heard of anyone just thinking they blew this kind of interview. LOL Angel is great. I really adore her.

I bawled my little eyes out, of course... Talking in front of all these people who know exactly how you feel... it was extraordinary and completely therapeutic. They were all either married or engaged... I felt so alone being the only single chicka there. ;-) I exchanged numbers with them, they were all so wonderful. Such beautiful, wonderful women. If I don't get it, I hope someone from my group does.

Honestly, I don't know how they're gonna pick down from the 25 - everyone is so passionate, so deserving... It's absolutely crazy. I of course, hope the best for myself, but I understand if they think someone will be more qualified.

I'm very Zen about the whole ordeal. LOL

I was so excited about today that I finally got to sleep at 6a and then I had to wake up at 10a... I'm absolutely exhausted. My eyes hurt. I'm cold. I'm hungry...

Tonight Jennifer and I are going to get drunkkkkk... err, at least that's the plan.

I emailed my step mom and asked her if she and Daddy could meet Jennifer and I at the Mad Greek in Lawrence soon and we're meeting there Sunday, March 1st... I'm going to tell them then...

I'm getting my Nikon soon!!! EEEE!!! I'm stoked! I worked it out so I can have my camera and not rupture any further plans that'll be taking place in May/June... Heavy on the June side. ;-)

Pic:



The gorgeous, ever-talented, Robert Pattinson. In a screen cap/card thingy from FYE's photobox that you get when you reserve Twilight there. (Which I've done!) Also, Jenn and I are going to the Twilight midnight release party at Hot Topic on March 20th. The have a special edition DVD (who doesn't!? FUCK, Imma be poor... Oh wait... LOL) They have a whole party thing and then they have raffles and access to new merch that isn't available yet!! FUCK ME! I can't wait!

xoxox

Photography

http://platzphoto.blogspot.com/

http://platzphoto.blogspot.com/

http://platzphoto.blogspot.com/

My site is up and running! It's not as complete as I would like it, but tis a start. Also, I will be buying my new camera in a month, tons of photos to come!

xoxox

http://www.flickr.com/photos/platzphoto/

Best. News. Ever. (Squared.)

Jenn and I were on our way to the mall to see if there was new Twilight stuff (there wasn't.) when her phone rang. She didn't answer it, but then called her phone to check her voicemail and she turned to me and said, "that was the lady from the lap band thing, they made another cut and you're in the top 25. She wants you to come in for a 2nd interview tomorrow."

I started to cry... I called her back once we were in the mall parking lot and I have an interview with her tomorrow at noon!!!!!! I'm freaking! XD

Now, I know not to get my hopes up, but once I entered I didn't expect to get a call back, then when I was chosen as a part of the top 100, I thought I blew that, so I didn't expect a call back from that, so I'm super excited.

There were 1200 people that entered and now I'm a part of the top 25. Thank you to those who encouraged and supported me thus far.

Wow.

Also tomorrow, Teresa -- a morning Mix DJ who had the surgery done last year will be there to interview me as well. No biggie, met her loadsa times. ;-)

I can't wait... I'm so nervous and so excited.

xoxox

You suck donkey asshole if you don't comment.

I Wish You'd Known Me When I Was Alive

"One day you're gonna have to face,

The deep dark truthful mirror,
And it's gonna tell you what I still,
Love you too much to say..."

I started this yesterday, no sense in wasting it. I just got sidetracked and went and downloaded 802 songs instead of blogging.

I'm up much earlier than I would prefer. Bella was barking this morning because they were doing some lawn maintenance at 930a... of course, as soon as I got up, she went back to bed and is now soundly sleeping. Doesn't seem quite fair, does it?

Lot's to do today! I have to stop by the storage place -- of course, I think this blog is going to end up saying it's yesterday instead of today, but really it's today, not yesterday... or tomorrow... Storage place, bank, post office, then going for coffee with the Jennifer.

I did have things that I specifically wanted to talk about a few days ago and now, of course I have no idea what those things were. Doesn't surprise me. I have the worlds worst ADD.

Rob Pattinson's song, "To Roam" just came on my iTunes - he's finally back in the States! England kept him too long!!!! Yes, I know he belongs to them or whatever, but I like to keep my boys close! ;-) ---- ("Some people were born to roam, some people are in this world alone..." I love it. His voice is truly unique.)

He's presenting at the Oscar's this weekend. I'm pretty stoked about that. I need a good RPattz fix. Jenn said, "what are you going to do if he presents Best Supporting Actor?" (The award that will undoubtedly go to Heath.) I said, "Probably poop myself." She said, "I'll get a toilet." There was more to the conversation, but we don't need to take it in that direction.

So I was on this Twilight fan site, checking my news as always, and they posted this [fanmade] trailer for New Moon. Now, I don't normally watch fanmade stuff, because it's usually shitty and I always get mad that it's shitty, but they said that this had had over 3 MILLION views... well, 3 million views can't be wrong, so I watched it.

O
M
G

I got chills.

I don't get chills for shit... something has to be really fucking spectacular for me to get chills... but yaaa... Seriously. Chills.

Here's the video, please watch it. It's badass. Just like the movie will be (and like the book was) there's very little Robert. But this chick actually put Kristen clips in there. Jacob is portrayed by a different actor, but it still works.

Yellow Ferrari? Check.
Paper cut? Check.
Cliff diving? Check.
Volturi? Check.
Awesome? CHECCCCCK!

Check it out!!! It's HQ, click full screen for the awesomeness effect!



Even if you're not a huge Twilight fan, you have to admit that was badass, right?!

Insaaaaaaaaaane...

Alright, I'm off to watch it 100 more times...

There's no use for me now, I'm only thinking of Twilight.

xoxox

Oh, random addings, anyone who says that Heath doesn't deserve the Oscar, or who bashes him gets an ass whooping by me. Get it?

Redemption

"I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here?
Cuz I burned, every bridge I ever built when you were here,
I still try, holding onto silly things, I never learn,
Oh why? All the possibilities, I'm sure you've heard..."
(I want to remind you that I've done lyrics and picture of the day for YEARS.)

I'm not entirely sure on how to start this blog. I have so much that I want to say, but only so much that I can. I want to be vague, yet specific at the same time.

Let me first start by talking about several people here...

First of all, Jennifer... (the only of these people that I'll name) best friends for 9 years. (It's seemed like 4.) We've had a trying couple of days. Yesterday all we did was bicker and fight. I won't bore you with the trivial things we argue about, but it was intense. We haven't had a fight like that in a few years... Not like I'm proud of it or anything.

Today was supposed to be better... meanwhile I found out something that she hid from me for... 4 months... She's my best friend. There's no one on the planet like her. I'll never stop loving her. I'll never leave her. (As far as I can foresee...) However, when she hides things from me/lies to me -- I wanna kill her.

Jenn's a terrible liar. She'll never lie to you, and if she did, you would know it. I'm a fantastic liar, unfortunately. I've thought about being a professional liar, but ironically, I'm not that great of an actor. Odd... Lying isn't something that I pride myself in, but unfortunately, it's a skill. I've done it my entire life... oh well... Back to Jenn... She's only lied to me once, she knows better than to lie to me... It was probably 2 years ago. I called her and with Verizon, when you call someone and they're on the phone it'll ring but make this weird sound at the end of it... she didn't answer or click over to me... She got home, I asked her who she was talking to, she said she was talking to her mom... I knew she was lying. Later we went to work and I asked her if I could see her phone, she gave it to me and I checked her calls, she was talking to [insert name here]. I chucked the phone at her and demanded to know why she lied... It was stupid to lie about that... of all the things to lie about, she chose that.

Now, Jenn didn't lie to me today, but I found out that she went behind my back and did something incredibly stupid a while ago. So I text her and told her she was retarded basically. Her reasons for doing things are incredibly lame. "I was bored." Why can't she just translate that for me so I don't have to?? "I like to cause drama."

Let me be clear here... after you've been close friends with someone for as long as I have with Jennifer, it's like being married. I'm 24 and I've been living with Jennifer since I was 17. There's probably nothing that could rupture our friendship. People have tried. Some people have told me that Jennifer is bad for me, that I could do better, or I would be better off alone - but in all honesty, you just don't know Jennifer then.

There was once a time when someone would say something bad about Jennifer and I would agree with them to be accepted. They would say, "Gosh, Jennifer is so ugly," and I would agree (and for the record, Jennifer and I both think she could live with permanent makeup. There's just some people who need help, you know?) "She's so stupid," "She's a lesbian," "She's dragging you down," "You're better off without her," - There was once a time I would agree to those things that my "friends" were saying so that I wouldn't be made fun of...

Now? Now if you say anything bad about Jennifer you're probably out the door. I'm making up for lost time, here. There was this one time at Panera when we went to get our checks and Jenn's old manager from Phillips 66 across the street said, "thanks for the call..." sarcastically, in regards to Jennifer not calling to say that she had quit. I turned around to Jenn and I said, "was that your manager?" She nodded.

This lady had basically beat Jennifer down with her words. Saying that she wasn't good enough, yadda, calling her stupid... yadda... I practically ran out the door to catch up with her and I said, "maybe she would have called if you weren't such a BITCH to her!" She started screaming back at me, "shut the fuck up, blah blah blah..." I can't remember what I said to her, but then she called me fat --- meanwhile, this lady was twice my size and I'm not embellishing... I said, "better look in the mirror!" And she said I walked like a hooker before Jenn practically tossed me in the car.

Jenn was mortified and super pissed at me for doing that, but I broke down and cried and told her that I was so ashamed of how horrible of a friend I was to her in the past that I was going to do anything in my power to keep her name clean now. (If only she would help me on that by not causing uncalled for drama...)

I can't stand it when people bash Jennifer, and sure, sometimes she needs to be called some names to get her off her high horse (never understood that expression and why there are "high" horses. *wink*) but mostly I'm just ashamed of how I treated her in the past and I'll spend the rest of our friendship making up for the shit that I did to her in the first couple years of knowing her.

You know those couples that have been married 20 years and how they act around each other? That's the same thing with Jennifer and I. We're basically married. I love her unconditionally, yet I want to kill her at times. We bicker about the most obscene things. Then people will ask me what we're fighting about and I don't want to tell them because as soon as I hear it in my head I realize how ridiculous it is.

Last night I had a moment of clarity in the midst of our fighting words. Besides monetarily speaking, Jennifer does very little for me. There's always plans to do things, but nothing ever really pans out and for the first time in 9 years, I half wondered why we were friends. There's been talk on loads of things since we became friends: helping my singing career along, (it had a short burst of awesome and then a nice consistent plummet. LOL) helping me lose weight, (haven't lost, only gained.) etc...

Meanwhile, I've helped Jennifer in loads of ways. I seem to be the only person supporting her career in McDonalds. When she told her parents over her birthday dinner last year that she got a job as a manager at McDonalds her mothers reaction was, *whine* "McDonalds? Why, Jennifer?" Her parents, my friends... oh, everyone but me... tells her to get out of food service. But you know what? I've been her biggest cheerleader since the beginning. Getting that management job was the smartest thing she's done, career wise. She now has management experience, and for a full year. :-) At 2 McD, nonetheless.

Why on earth would Jennifer leave McDonalds? She has a guaranteed job. McDonalds is UP from last year, meanwhile all the jobs that she could potentially have like Starbucks, Macy's (both places she's worked, BTW) are cutting jobs and losing money! Why would she go somewhere where she doesn't know if she'll have a job next week? Ridiculous. (Click here to read Jenn's view on why she isn't affected by the economy crisis.)

Jenn is good at her job. You can knock it all you want. Go ahead, look down on her for working at McDonalds... I'm sure you have. But just remember that she's further along in her career than you are. She's been working for McDonalds for a total or 4 years or so now with one full year in management. I'd like to see you jump that far that fast. I'm exceptionally proud of her and I'm not going to stop anytime soon.

Is Jennifer going to work at McD forever? Probably not. I'm trying to talk her into taking massage therapy classes. (Something she almost did a few years back.) She's very talented in that area and I think it would be a nice long term career for her. Her dream job is to be a tour manger... She knows a couple of them and picks their brain every chance she gets, but it's a foot-in-the-door job, something she doesn't have just yet.

Next person(s) - I don't understand you. You're a complete hypocrite, a character I can't stand in people. I'm not saying I haven't had a few hypocritical moments in my life, but I've definitely left that person behind. I think that might be all I can say on that subject.

Lastly, myself... There are moments in my life that I'm not proud of. There are choices that I've made that I wouldn't take back, but ponder my mind and it's clarity at the time. I choose not to "regret" anything, only to learn... I've learned a lot in the past few years. I've learned that I can be as breathtakingly honest as possible, or lie to people's faces and it still will not change the outcome of their opinion of me.

That pains me.

I try to be as good a person as possible. Honestly. I know I've hurt every single one of my friends in one way or another at one time or another. And I'm sorry. Shouldn't people be allotted second chances? Maybe... Maybe not. I guess it's up to the person.

I'm a second chances kind of person. Third chances maybe if I truly believe you and see visible change in you. That's because I really just want to believe in people. I want to see the good in people. In "real life", I'm very reserved and closed up. It takes a while to get to know me for who I really am, and honestly - besides Jennifer, there might be one of you who has even begun to see a sliver of that person underneath the person I portray.

This version here, the myspace/facebook/blogger person that you see is a condesnsed version of what I really am... that's a whole other blog for a whole other day.

A while ago today I was more mad than I had been in a long time. I was shaking, I was writing in my journal, I was upset with my music on full blast. Writing all this out has helped me a lot. I wanted to come on here and put a lot of people on blast, but I've definitely changed my mind. I'm not going to by that kind of person. I haven't been that person in a long time... I don't understand why some people do that though, you know? Why some people scream out, "I hate you [insert name here], you're fugly and not talented! You're retarded and icky!" It doesn't make sense to do that online. I guess in the end you just end up looking like you have no class and nothing better to do with your time.

Perhaps I'm looking for another clean break. A nice fresh start... which is good timing on account of what's happening soon...

In other, completely random news. I pierced my lip. I had a dream about it Wednesday night and woke up Thursday and went to have it done. (Same thing happened with the pink hair, if you remember. I had a dream while I was in Vegas that I had pink hair and when I got back I pinked it! LOL)




I left my pink on for an obscene amount of time while I was talking to Gemma and it turned out super bright! I'm very pleased with it!

I've had weird swelling with the piercing, but it's finally going down. I wanted a hoop, but she said it was better to have a stud for the swelling... I'm all for what's best for the piercing.

(BTW, I NEVERRRR thought I would get my lip pierced. Never. I never wanted it... I've never wanted any facial piercings... weird eh? Jenn tried to talk me out of it, but 2 seconds after it was done she said, "oh! it's cute!!" LOL)

Playlist:

I hope you learned a little more about me today. Hopefully you like me a little more today than you did yesterday... or not... LOL

xoxox

-- Edit --

I'm pretty happy with this blog in hindsight, however, touching more on that hypocrite thing I said earlier. It's really unfair to expect me to do something that you don't do yourself. It's unfair for you to claim friends, and tell me who I can and can't be friends with... especially when you don't even know the whole story. If you want, come to me and I'll tell you the whole story.

One thing I forgot to add earlier:

When I blog, I think of you. (1) I think of what you'll think if you read this... on if you'll comment on it... I think about you (2) as well... if I said something that'll prompt you to laugh, that'll move you to tears or if you'll just go on about your life, pretending I never existed. I also think about you... (3) and about if you're ever going to find this blog, or if I have to come right out and order you to come here so you can see how much more I am than just the crazy girl you kissed... I think about you too much... oh right... and I also think about you. (4)

Happy V Day

Click to watch and see who Robert Pattinson's valentine is...



So cute!!

I'm going to blog later and talk about watching the Pebble Beach tournament.

xoxox

*Big Sigh*

I can't be bothered with icon, lyrics, pics, all that...

Today was the first day of my detox/cleanse. I did fantastic today. I've had a little over 2 liters of water... I took a bath today... I wasn't even hungry...

Then...

Then Jennifer failed. She text me and said, "I don't think I can do this..." I text her loads of times and tried to keep her spirits up, tried to keep her from failing, tried to keep her motivated... Finally I asked, "did you already eat?" She said she did so I yelled at her, "why did you make me waste all these texts trying to save you when you already did it?!?"

She just kept telling me that she would start tomorrow. She told me that yesterday and that's when we agreed that we would start today... Now today she tells me she wants to start tomorrow.

I am livid.

I've fasted for 8 days with just the support of Gemma, but it's hard to do it alone when you don't have a support system around you.

I'm not hungry, but now I'm thinking of sacrificing my day and eating so that we can still have the same day tally. She says she'll just be a day behind me, but it's going to be hard every day. Today: not hard for me, but I've had many days without food before. I don't think Jennifer's ever made it through one.

She needs to make it through 30 of these days - the first 3 are the hardest and she can't make it past the first one.

...Fuck me.

I don't know what to do.

Part of me wants to say "fuck her" and just try and do this on my own... She'll either do it with me, or won't. But then again... she's my best friend.

:::EDIT:::

I called Jennifer, she was all, "I had a bad day... la... la... la..." I TOLD her that I WAS NOT going to take that as an excuse because she's done that before on other "diets". I still haven't decided what I want to do. "Well, I realized I didn't eat all the food I wanted to eat before my fast..." she said... WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUCKKKKKKK???? That statement right there makes my blood boil.

DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS OR NOT?

Fuck me.

Ughhh... this is ridiculous. I haven't decided, but I wouldn't be surprised if I let her get the best of me...

On a completely different subject:

I don't think I want to be your friend anymore.

:::EDIT DOS:::

I've made my decision, but there's a catch...

Back to bad habits...

Times Like These

"I just kinda died for you,
You just kinda stared at me..."

I thought to myself... "I don't want to blog again..." but I'm too bored to not blog again. I have nothing else to do. Now, I'm just wondering if I'll be able to think of anything to say...

...

...

...

...So I couldn't think of anything to say, so instead I'm going to do something I haven't done since I was in middle school. Song meanings... (err, to me...)

I'm going to do 50 songs from iTunes on random and say maybe what my favorite lyrics are, or what the song reminds me of... what it means to me... (Yes, I'm bored.)

1. Lithium, Nirvana -- reminds me of 7th grade when the boy who lived next door, Scott, let me borrow his Nirvana CD. He was a bit mentally unstable, but I sort of looked up to how punk rock he was.

2. Online Songs, Blink 182 -- One of my favorite Blink songs, actually. Mark sings, so of course I love it. So... I basically peed myself when I found out Blink was reuniting, and then I pooped myself when I found out they're touring this summer!

3. Love Her Madly, The Doors -- My favorite Doors song, and one of my favorite songs on the planet. The best part comes at exactly 2:22... turn it up loud...

4. New Deep, John Mayer -- this song reminds me of fall... most of his songs remind me of fall and fog. This wasn't one of my favorites when I got the CD, but I really love his voice on it. I love how everything is just play for him. "I'm so alive, I'm so enlightened, I can barely survive, a night in my mind, so I've got a plan, I'm gonna find out just how boring I am, and have a good time..."

5. Blowin' Me Up (With Her Love), JC Chasez -- remember, I'm not picking these!! LOL I hate this song... but I was super happy when it came out cuz I love JC as a singer/songwriter. I'm super depressed that he isn't currently pursuing that anymore. He's too talented for his own good, this song just sucks.

6. Dookie, Green Day -- everyone loves this song, which makes me want to hate it - but seeing it live was an experience I wouldn't trade for the world. (Front row baby.)

7. Sober, Pink -- I love how raw her voice is in this song. I can relate to it on more than one level, as well. I definitely have a strong connection with this woman. I remember that I wrote her a fan letter after I bought her first album and she actually wrote back. I told her that her CD brought my mom and I closer together because we would listen to it in the car together and just sing... There are few people that I adore as much as I adore her.

8. Break The Same, Mute Math -- What an incredible song, what an incredible band. Mute Math is so progressive I think people are afraid of them being mainstream, they are the future of music. "And we all feed doubt, what a shame, when only tears know how to remind us we all break the same..." One of my favorite lyrics in history. If you're still new to them, listen to this song or click here to watch the worlds greatest music video.

9. Rockaway Life, Kenna feat Justin Timberlake -- Again, very progressive - everything about this song is incredible. I love Justin's chorus - the filter on his voice, Kenna's lyrics and the beat is just superb. There's not one favorite part of this song, it's all amazing.

10. Turn The Page, Bob Segar -- who doesn't love Segar? I'm sure what was meant for this song is for it to be eerie, mission accomplished. I'm not sure what this song reminds me of, but it's of my childhood. "here I am on the road again, there I am up on the stage, there I go, playin' the star again, there I go, turn the page..." I love it.

11. Please Mr. Postman, The Carpenters -- I love Karen, end of story.

12. Romeo & Juliet, Indigo Girls -- A cover from the Dire Straits song, I prefer this version, actually. Reminds me of spending summers with my Mama. "But I can't do the talk, like they talk on my TV screen, I can't do a love song, not the way you sung them to me, I can't do anything, but I would do anything for you, I can't do anything except be in love with you, now all I do is miss you, and the way we used to be, and all I do is keep the beat, I keep bad bad company..."

13. Ode To My Family, The Cranberries -- Another song that reminds me of my mother. This would be on my list of top 100 songs, definitely near the top. She's got such a beautiful, soothing voice. "do you see me, does anyone care, I thought happiness was when I was young and I didn't give a damn..."

14. Violet Hill, Coldplay --This song gives me deja vu, from the first time I heard it I swore up and down that I had heard it before. "if you love me, won't you let me know..." This song was only meant to be played one way: loud.

15. Gimme Stitches, Foo Fighters -- God, I love the Foo. I love Dave Grohl. Every time the Foo comes on in the car, I have to remind Jennifer who they are, which is just wrong. "I've always been the one who runs from everyone, cuz everyone's just too weird..." I tell her, "The Foo Fighters!!! Dave Grohl!! He was the drummer for NIRVANA!!!!!" This is on my top ten of Foo songs.

16. Desire, U2 -- Sometimes I think Bono is a little too self-riotous. I'm not too fond of this song...

17. Requiem, Mozart -- Odd knowledge about this masterpiece. It's very eerie when you know everything. It was Mozart's last piece and is one of his most popular and respected pieces. It's absolutely glorious and best enjoyed with headphones on, eyes closed.

18. Nobody's Home, Avril Lavigne -- This is one of those songs that I know exactly what year it was released, 2004. Why do I know that? I was working at the radio station during that time and lord, all the songs that were popular during that time are hard for me to listen to them because I heard them so many times in one night for 5 nights a week for a whole year... This is one of those. It was once a good song.

19. Fix You, Coldplay -- Ooh, do I love this song. Ooh, do I love Coldplay. Chris wrote it for Gwenyth after her father died. Makes me cry... "tears come streaming down your face, when you lose something you can't replace..." If they ever get divorced, I'll be pissed.

20. Suspicious Minds, Elvis -- Jenn's favorite Elvis song, also a favorite of Ingram Hill, who loves to cover the song. I've never much cared for it, but it was awesome to see her go crazy at the 'Hill show when they played it.

21. You and I Both, Jason Mraz -- my favorite Mraz song. I'm a big fan of his actually. He's different from other singers. I really enjoy his lyrics and I love the hook in this song.

22. Tell Me Something I Don't Know, Selena Gomez -- Gah, I love this lil girl!! She's so adorable and talented! I was bored, nothing was on, so I watched "Another Cinderella Story" and had to download this song after, it's as catchy as can be. *loves*

23. Can't Stop, Maroon 5 -- Off their 2nd album, I wasn't particularly fond of the album as a whole when I first got it, but after a few spins I definitely loved it. (Never gonna love it as much as the first one.) "...and wake up making love to a pillow..." niiice, Adam. "...and I touch myself like it's somebody else, thoughts of you are tattooed on my mind, let me show you..." Wouldn't it be nice to be the woman he's hung up on?

24. Lie Detector, Mya -- Well, it's definitely a good idea. I love Mya's voice, it's so velvet and sexy.

25. Step by Step, NKOTB -- "step by step, raaaaaaaaah!" LOL that's all.

26. I Like Money, Millionaires -- These 3 chicks made this song on their Mac on Garage Band and it became a hit on myspace... Fuck me, that's a dream. "high heels, makeup, fake eyelashes - look at you, you're so damn plastic, acrylics on with orangey skin, that lipo really made you thin!" I love em!!! I can't wait for the Warped Tour!!!

27. Why Don't You Do Right (1942), Tommy Dorsey & Peggy Lee -- Reminds me of Jessica Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, one of the greatest movies of all time. I used to watch it tons as a kid. (I can hold out the note Jessica Rabbit does in the movie. *wink*)

28. Sunday Morning, Maroon 5 -- This song reminds me of seeing them open for John Mayer in Memphis/Jackson, MS. That was a pretty fun trip.

29. Please Don't Leave Me, Pink -- Her whole album has this raw awesome vocal styling. "I can be so mean when I wanna be, I am capable of really anything..." words from my life. Unfortunately, this song is me.

30. It's Been A While, Staind -- my perfect love song. I can listen to this on repeat for days. "it's been a while, since I've gone and fucked things up, like I always do, and it's been a while, but all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you..." Best. Lyrics. Ever.

31. Faster Kill Pussycat, Paul Oakenfold feat Brittany Murphy -- She's got an incredible voice. I loved her singing "Nobody Does It Better" in Little Black Book. I wish she would release an album. Her voice is very unique.

32. Citadel, Anna Nalick -- Not my favorite Anna Nalick song, but I definitely love her. I felt so stupid, she's one year younger than me and when I first heard this song several years back I had to Google "citadel". LOL

33. Every You Every Me, Placebo -- I love Placebo. They are a fantastic, original band. "my heart's a tart, your body's rent, my body's broken, your's is bent..." If you haven't heard this song, listen to it now.

34. Crystal, Fleetwood Mac -- Fleetwood Mac is coming to Kansas City at the very beginning of May and I'm suicidal at the fact that I can't go. This song reminds me of running away... and of Heath. "then I knew, in the crystalline knowledge of you, that drove me through the mountains, through the crystal-like and clear water fountains, that drove me, like a magnet, to the sea..."

35. Waterfalls, TLC -- I once won a singing contest because I was the only person who could do Left-Eye's entire rap. TLC was my EVERYTHING in 6th grade. It wasn't until semi-recently that I realized this song was about AIDS.

36. Too Much, Spice Girls -- The Spice Girls were also my everything in 6th grade, along with Hanson. I desperately love this song.

37. Te Busque, Nelly Furtado -- when I first got her album, I listened to this song on repeat for about 5 days. I love the rhythm of the chorus, though I have no idea what it means. LOL "I've been too sad to speak, and too tired to eat, been to lonely to sing, devil cut off my wings..."

38. Dangerous, Roxette -- I remember having the bright blue cassette tape of this. This song is me in my mom's shady downtown apartment, playing this song on repeat.

39. Last To Know, Pink -- Someone hurt her bad. This was my repeat song for a couple weeks after Try This came out. "why was I the last to know that you weren't coming to my show, you coulda called me up to say good luck, you coulda called me back you stupid fuck..."

40. Live and Let Die, Paul McCartney -- Classic, of course. I am not sure why I love this song, I just do.

41. My Dad's Gone Crazy, Eminem -- I used to be obsessed with Eminem. I couldn't help it. I love this song... Favorite part is 1:50-2:32 ;-)

42. Edge of Seventeen, Stevie Knicks -- seriously... gonna... kill... myself... can't... go... to... show...

43. Starlight, Muse -- I. LOVE. MUSE. I wish I could marry their music. It's absolutely amazing. So progressive... Their lyrics are intense, profound and at times don't make sense, their music is absolutely ridiculous. "Far away, this ship is taking me far away, far away from the memories of the people who care if I live or die..." I could probably go on literally forever.

44. Beast of Burden, Rolling Stones -- my favorite Stones song. I used to hear it on the classic rock station all the time, then I downloaded it and now I never hear it. LOL "pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, girls..."

45. I'll Be Your Lover Too, Van Morrison -- Van Morrison is an absolute legend, I adore his songs. This song is incredible romantic... "you'll be my queen, I'll be your king, and I'll be your lover, too..." (Psst... Van is Robert's favorite artist, and he does a killer cover of this song that makes me swoon...)

46. Could I Be You, Matchbox 20 -- I love them live, they are one of my favorite bands ever to go see. This is maybe my third favorite ballad from them. "Something is wrong, with the sun above us, that I can't seem to erase, how can I be the only one, without a smile on my face? You're laughing out loud, at just the thought of being alive, and I was wondering, could I just be you tonight?"

47. Purple Rain, Prince -- From now on, every time I hear Prince all I'll think of is the 30 minute bus ride from the Suncoast Hotel to the Strip the whole week we were in Vegas. One night... our final night, Jennifer and I got really drunk and went to the Strip alone and I was dancing on the bus knocking on the windows and blowing kisses to the passing cars... I did some naughty things that night... and they say what happens in Vegas... *wink* well, I didn't tell you everything, now did I?

48. You're My Best Friend, Queen -- who doesn't love Queen? Show me someone who doesn't love Queen and I'll show you someone I am going to have exported off of this planet. (Or at least this continent.) This is my song for Bella. :-) It reminds me purely of her.

49. I Feel So, Boxcar Racer -- my mad song. I play this loud, only... "Sometimes, I wish I was brave, I wish I was stronger, wish I could feel no pain, wish I was young, wish I was shy, wish I honest, wish I was you not I..."

50. By The Way, Chili Peppers -- I adore them as well... duh... this is not my favorite song by them, but one of. "daddy's little girl is singing songs to be beneath the marquee..."

That's a pretty decent list... and I killed a lot of time. I'm pretty proud of myself for not picking and selecting songs... those are really just what came up on iTunes. :-)

Which are your favorites on this list?

xoxox

Playlist, songs of the moment:

1. Aurora - Foo Fighters (Song of the day, up there...)
2. Little of your Time - Maroon 5 remix (Pretty freaking badass.)
3. Tired of You - Foo Fighters (I just listened to this for an hour straight.)
4. Dude (I Totally Miss You) Tencious D (I love Jack Black. I'll say it again... I LOVE JACK BLACK.)

Flavor of the Weak

"Nobody does it better,
Makes me feel sad for the rest,
Nobody does it half as good as you,
Baby, you're the best..."

That lil gif up there is one of my favorite parts of Twilight... and it's at the tail end. LOL I love the pained look on Edward's face as he kisses Bella. It's truly painful for him.

So, as I explained in my previous blog, I've been having a lot of trouble with my body lately. I've been sluggish, tired and have not been putting anything healthy into it at all. (I won't gross you out with the other details.)

I was looking around for a new fast to go on when I stumbled upon this guy's explanation of his 30 day detox... I feel completely inspired and I've even gotten Jennifer to agree to join me in this! (She's opted out of other fasts I've suggested, claiming that she 'can't' do them.) I am super proud of her for saying that she will embark on this with me!

The longest I've fasted for before this was 8 days and this time I'm determined to go the entire 30. For me, it's not even about the amount of weight that I will lose, it's about the spiritual experience attached to it, and getting all of the toxins out of my body that currently take up space there.

Jennifer is going to include Vitamin Water in her fast (which she's doing against my suggestion...) while I'm just doing water. We'll both be doing regular colonics along the way, as well. Which is new for both of us - but after reading about the personal results that this guy had with the entire cleanse, I am so excited to do it!

Once we break the fast I think I'll try my hand at being vegan... I know that after I complete the 30 days I won't want meat again. (Did you know that meat can stick to the sides of your intestines and stay there for YEARS if you don't flush it out with cleanses and colonics?! Click here to see why humans were not designed to eat meat.) Once I'm free and clean of all the shit that's been building up for 24 years, causing me to be full of toxins, I can start a new clean, healthy life. It'll be like a clean slate! I can't wait.

My new focus is going to be on feeding my body what it NEEDS and not what I WANT. (75% of the food we eat, we don't need - it's just emotional eating. We listen to what our minds want, and not what our body is telling us it needs.)

I'm going to concentrate on eating a balanced diet of raw fruits and vegetables and whole grains. (Which I've never been a fan of...) I hope to only eat sweets a few times a year and to really taste and enjoy my food for what it is - nutrition... fuel...

I can't wait... I keep saying that. LOL I'm sure it's the only thing I'll talk about for the next 30 days, I apologize in advance.

For someone like me, weight and food rules my life -- how can it not be all I talk about? At least I'm not just bitching about my weight and continuing to eat cheeseburgers... at least I'm actually doing something about it... or rather, will tomorrow.

Thanks for supports. I'm chillin' at McD with Jenn tonight, I might blog again later on something not having to do with food... we'll see.

Playlist:
1. Nobody Does It Better - Carly Simon (Epic. I love this song. I lover her.)
2. Flavor of the Weak - American Hi-Fi (First band I moshed to. I've never had more of a high than I did then, and it was completely natural.)
3. Simply Because - Rooney (I love Rooney.)
4. Running Man - Hanson (Zac Attack sings, tis catchy.)

Pic:


Look at that SMILE!!!!

I was chattin' with Rae during the Grammy's (and drinking...) and when he came on talking about the General Store I think my message to her went something like...

"OMFGSsakjahfa1~~~~!!!! ehjaskfashfshafhjafhjajhkakhjafkshjafhkjafhkj!!! GENERAL SSTTTTOEERE!!!!"

I has mayjah prouds. ;-)

xoxox

I Can Has Four Beers?

"I don't hold my breath
& I don't hold my tongue
& I know that you know, that I don't back down to no one...
You shoulda stayed home,
You shoulda known better,
That I melt in your mouth like liquid sugar,
You thought you were gonna throw it back in my face,
But tell me how do my leftovers taste?"

Today Jennifer and I watched a show on TLC about these "super-morbidly obese" people. People who consume 16,000 calories + a day (the average male needs 2,500 to survive, the average female, 2,000) Some of these people were nearly 900 lbs. It was absolutely revolting to see the amount of food that they put into their bodies.

However... I did sympathize with some of the things they had to say about food. Saying that it's an addiction, it's just like heroin... you'll do anything to get your next fix. Some of these people's family were being pursueded by them to give them food.

Unfortunately I can relate to that.

There are so many people out there that probably don't understand how hard it is to stop eating. If it was so simple, do you think I would choose to be this way? Do you think I'm proud that I now have a new highest weight? No...

I'm terrified that one day I'll end up like one of those people on TV. Eating mass amounts of fried egg sandwiches and whole boxes of Oreo's... too huge to get out of my bed and I end up wearing a diaper... I've said to myself that I was never going to be one of those people, but then again - when I was 220 pounds I said I would never make it to 250... Now... now I would kill to be 220 pounds...

I'm scared...

I can keep saying I'm starting tomorrow... I'm not eating tomorrow... Tomorrow is a new day...

Fuck tomorrow.

I'm starting today.

Playlist:

1. My Leftovers - Porcelain & the Tramps (I fucking love this song, it's badass.)
2. Not Coming Home - Maroon 5 (I need a new M5 album.)
3. La La - Ashlee Simpson (I like her... shhh.)
4. I Miss You - Blink 182 (I am sooo stoked to see mah boys on the Grammy's!! Annnd, they're putting out a new album!)

I'm so stoked for the Grammy's tonight. :-) Rae and I are gonna date later and I've got my beers in a bath all set and ready for the big show!! (I promise I won't break the remote this time if Justin loses.)

xoxox

Curiously Strong

"I wonder how you sleep,
I wonder what you think of me,
If I could go back,
Would you have ever been with me?
I want you to be un-eased,
I want you to remember,
I want you to believe,
I want you on my side..."

Jenn's finally posted her first blog!!

www.whiskeygurl.blogspot.com [Link]

I was drunk when I posted the blog with the link to her blog and I had accidentally made 2 blogs -- whatever -- anyhow, she liked that one better. :-) Go comments. (But not more than you comment me!)

Today I wrote a letter to my friend Paul, whom I met in Vegas during the Timber-tournament. :-) He's stationed in Afghanistan until June. :-(




Damn, that was a good day. It was a good hair day, I looked freaking fantastic that day, met Justin and got wasted with Paul and Phil (another Vegas boy) after the tournament.

This picture actually makes me miss my hair. LOL, It's the only one that makes me miss it though.

Anyways, so I wrote Paul a letter today and I'm going to stick it in the mail Monday. I think I'm going to print out a few pictures from Vegas and put em in there too. I asked him if there was anything he wanted me to send him - like goodies and such -- anything he wanted or needed, and he told me no... Just a letter from me would be nice. *swoon*

Do you think I should make him a CD too? Or maybe save that for the next letter I send him?

Playlist:
1. Downfall - Matchbox 20
2. Guns & Roses - Jay-Z feat Lenny Kravitz
3. Be Like That - Three Doors Down
4. Bring Me Down - Puddle of Mudd (awesome live.)

Pic:


Made me LOL... I don't care for Zac Efron one way or the other, but I saw the trailer for his new movie, 17 Again and I can't wait to see it.

Click to see trailer.

xoxox