Redemption

"I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here?
Cuz I burned, every bridge I ever built when you were here,
I still try, holding onto silly things, I never learn,
Oh why? All the possibilities, I'm sure you've heard..."
(I want to remind you that I've done lyrics and picture of the day for YEARS.)

I'm not entirely sure on how to start this blog. I have so much that I want to say, but only so much that I can. I want to be vague, yet specific at the same time.

Let me first start by talking about several people here...

First of all, Jennifer... (the only of these people that I'll name) best friends for 9 years. (It's seemed like 4.) We've had a trying couple of days. Yesterday all we did was bicker and fight. I won't bore you with the trivial things we argue about, but it was intense. We haven't had a fight like that in a few years... Not like I'm proud of it or anything.

Today was supposed to be better... meanwhile I found out something that she hid from me for... 4 months... She's my best friend. There's no one on the planet like her. I'll never stop loving her. I'll never leave her. (As far as I can foresee...) However, when she hides things from me/lies to me -- I wanna kill her.

Jenn's a terrible liar. She'll never lie to you, and if she did, you would know it. I'm a fantastic liar, unfortunately. I've thought about being a professional liar, but ironically, I'm not that great of an actor. Odd... Lying isn't something that I pride myself in, but unfortunately, it's a skill. I've done it my entire life... oh well... Back to Jenn... She's only lied to me once, she knows better than to lie to me... It was probably 2 years ago. I called her and with Verizon, when you call someone and they're on the phone it'll ring but make this weird sound at the end of it... she didn't answer or click over to me... She got home, I asked her who she was talking to, she said she was talking to her mom... I knew she was lying. Later we went to work and I asked her if I could see her phone, she gave it to me and I checked her calls, she was talking to [insert name here]. I chucked the phone at her and demanded to know why she lied... It was stupid to lie about that... of all the things to lie about, she chose that.

Now, Jenn didn't lie to me today, but I found out that she went behind my back and did something incredibly stupid a while ago. So I text her and told her she was retarded basically. Her reasons for doing things are incredibly lame. "I was bored." Why can't she just translate that for me so I don't have to?? "I like to cause drama."

Let me be clear here... after you've been close friends with someone for as long as I have with Jennifer, it's like being married. I'm 24 and I've been living with Jennifer since I was 17. There's probably nothing that could rupture our friendship. People have tried. Some people have told me that Jennifer is bad for me, that I could do better, or I would be better off alone - but in all honesty, you just don't know Jennifer then.

There was once a time when someone would say something bad about Jennifer and I would agree with them to be accepted. They would say, "Gosh, Jennifer is so ugly," and I would agree (and for the record, Jennifer and I both think she could live with permanent makeup. There's just some people who need help, you know?) "She's so stupid," "She's a lesbian," "She's dragging you down," "You're better off without her," - There was once a time I would agree to those things that my "friends" were saying so that I wouldn't be made fun of...

Now? Now if you say anything bad about Jennifer you're probably out the door. I'm making up for lost time, here. There was this one time at Panera when we went to get our checks and Jenn's old manager from Phillips 66 across the street said, "thanks for the call..." sarcastically, in regards to Jennifer not calling to say that she had quit. I turned around to Jenn and I said, "was that your manager?" She nodded.

This lady had basically beat Jennifer down with her words. Saying that she wasn't good enough, yadda, calling her stupid... yadda... I practically ran out the door to catch up with her and I said, "maybe she would have called if you weren't such a BITCH to her!" She started screaming back at me, "shut the fuck up, blah blah blah..." I can't remember what I said to her, but then she called me fat --- meanwhile, this lady was twice my size and I'm not embellishing... I said, "better look in the mirror!" And she said I walked like a hooker before Jenn practically tossed me in the car.

Jenn was mortified and super pissed at me for doing that, but I broke down and cried and told her that I was so ashamed of how horrible of a friend I was to her in the past that I was going to do anything in my power to keep her name clean now. (If only she would help me on that by not causing uncalled for drama...)

I can't stand it when people bash Jennifer, and sure, sometimes she needs to be called some names to get her off her high horse (never understood that expression and why there are "high" horses. *wink*) but mostly I'm just ashamed of how I treated her in the past and I'll spend the rest of our friendship making up for the shit that I did to her in the first couple years of knowing her.

You know those couples that have been married 20 years and how they act around each other? That's the same thing with Jennifer and I. We're basically married. I love her unconditionally, yet I want to kill her at times. We bicker about the most obscene things. Then people will ask me what we're fighting about and I don't want to tell them because as soon as I hear it in my head I realize how ridiculous it is.

Last night I had a moment of clarity in the midst of our fighting words. Besides monetarily speaking, Jennifer does very little for me. There's always plans to do things, but nothing ever really pans out and for the first time in 9 years, I half wondered why we were friends. There's been talk on loads of things since we became friends: helping my singing career along, (it had a short burst of awesome and then a nice consistent plummet. LOL) helping me lose weight, (haven't lost, only gained.) etc...

Meanwhile, I've helped Jennifer in loads of ways. I seem to be the only person supporting her career in McDonalds. When she told her parents over her birthday dinner last year that she got a job as a manager at McDonalds her mothers reaction was, *whine* "McDonalds? Why, Jennifer?" Her parents, my friends... oh, everyone but me... tells her to get out of food service. But you know what? I've been her biggest cheerleader since the beginning. Getting that management job was the smartest thing she's done, career wise. She now has management experience, and for a full year. :-) At 2 McD, nonetheless.

Why on earth would Jennifer leave McDonalds? She has a guaranteed job. McDonalds is UP from last year, meanwhile all the jobs that she could potentially have like Starbucks, Macy's (both places she's worked, BTW) are cutting jobs and losing money! Why would she go somewhere where she doesn't know if she'll have a job next week? Ridiculous. (Click here to read Jenn's view on why she isn't affected by the economy crisis.)

Jenn is good at her job. You can knock it all you want. Go ahead, look down on her for working at McDonalds... I'm sure you have. But just remember that she's further along in her career than you are. She's been working for McDonalds for a total or 4 years or so now with one full year in management. I'd like to see you jump that far that fast. I'm exceptionally proud of her and I'm not going to stop anytime soon.

Is Jennifer going to work at McD forever? Probably not. I'm trying to talk her into taking massage therapy classes. (Something she almost did a few years back.) She's very talented in that area and I think it would be a nice long term career for her. Her dream job is to be a tour manger... She knows a couple of them and picks their brain every chance she gets, but it's a foot-in-the-door job, something she doesn't have just yet.

Next person(s) - I don't understand you. You're a complete hypocrite, a character I can't stand in people. I'm not saying I haven't had a few hypocritical moments in my life, but I've definitely left that person behind. I think that might be all I can say on that subject.

Lastly, myself... There are moments in my life that I'm not proud of. There are choices that I've made that I wouldn't take back, but ponder my mind and it's clarity at the time. I choose not to "regret" anything, only to learn... I've learned a lot in the past few years. I've learned that I can be as breathtakingly honest as possible, or lie to people's faces and it still will not change the outcome of their opinion of me.

That pains me.

I try to be as good a person as possible. Honestly. I know I've hurt every single one of my friends in one way or another at one time or another. And I'm sorry. Shouldn't people be allotted second chances? Maybe... Maybe not. I guess it's up to the person.

I'm a second chances kind of person. Third chances maybe if I truly believe you and see visible change in you. That's because I really just want to believe in people. I want to see the good in people. In "real life", I'm very reserved and closed up. It takes a while to get to know me for who I really am, and honestly - besides Jennifer, there might be one of you who has even begun to see a sliver of that person underneath the person I portray.

This version here, the myspace/facebook/blogger person that you see is a condesnsed version of what I really am... that's a whole other blog for a whole other day.

A while ago today I was more mad than I had been in a long time. I was shaking, I was writing in my journal, I was upset with my music on full blast. Writing all this out has helped me a lot. I wanted to come on here and put a lot of people on blast, but I've definitely changed my mind. I'm not going to by that kind of person. I haven't been that person in a long time... I don't understand why some people do that though, you know? Why some people scream out, "I hate you [insert name here], you're fugly and not talented! You're retarded and icky!" It doesn't make sense to do that online. I guess in the end you just end up looking like you have no class and nothing better to do with your time.

Perhaps I'm looking for another clean break. A nice fresh start... which is good timing on account of what's happening soon...

In other, completely random news. I pierced my lip. I had a dream about it Wednesday night and woke up Thursday and went to have it done. (Same thing happened with the pink hair, if you remember. I had a dream while I was in Vegas that I had pink hair and when I got back I pinked it! LOL)




I left my pink on for an obscene amount of time while I was talking to Gemma and it turned out super bright! I'm very pleased with it!

I've had weird swelling with the piercing, but it's finally going down. I wanted a hoop, but she said it was better to have a stud for the swelling... I'm all for what's best for the piercing.

(BTW, I NEVERRRR thought I would get my lip pierced. Never. I never wanted it... I've never wanted any facial piercings... weird eh? Jenn tried to talk me out of it, but 2 seconds after it was done she said, "oh! it's cute!!" LOL)

Playlist:

I hope you learned a little more about me today. Hopefully you like me a little more today than you did yesterday... or not... LOL

xoxox

-- Edit --

I'm pretty happy with this blog in hindsight, however, touching more on that hypocrite thing I said earlier. It's really unfair to expect me to do something that you don't do yourself. It's unfair for you to claim friends, and tell me who I can and can't be friends with... especially when you don't even know the whole story. If you want, come to me and I'll tell you the whole story.

One thing I forgot to add earlier:

When I blog, I think of you. (1) I think of what you'll think if you read this... on if you'll comment on it... I think about you (2) as well... if I said something that'll prompt you to laugh, that'll move you to tears or if you'll just go on about your life, pretending I never existed. I also think about you... (3) and about if you're ever going to find this blog, or if I have to come right out and order you to come here so you can see how much more I am than just the crazy girl you kissed... I think about you too much... oh right... and I also think about you. (4)