Self Worth

"Hunger hurts, and I wanna hurt so bad,
Oh it kills,
Cuz I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up,
I've got to fold cuz these hands are too shaky hold,
Hunger hurts, but starving works,
But it costs too much, to love..."

Sometimes things just randomly pop into my head, as this one did - and I was lucky that it stuck there long enough for me to remember to write a blog about it.

Tomorrow -- well, today if you're counting the date on top of this blog -- Wednesday, I have a date... I guess I haven't been on a proper date in around a year or so... I had a lame ass boyfriend for a while, but he only took me out on one date - other than that he just came to my house where we just drank beer, smoked pot and he made fun of my best friend... not what I would call a date by any means.

Oh, we did manage to go to the bar quite often, but ehh, that's not a date. Last time I saw him was for my birthday. (I dumped him, if you were wondering. That might be a whole other blog in itself...)

Onward... I met him and started dating him in March, we were on and off til December. On one of our 'off' periods in late April/early May Jennifer and I were at the casino when this cute hottie boy came over to our table and asked me what my name was, chatted with us for a few and then went back to his friend. I was giddy because he was so cute!!

His name was Aaron, he had an iPhone and I remember that I was impressed with it because they were still new then. He came back to our table later and sat with us, had a few cigarettes, chatted me up and we swapped numbers...

He was too cute... way too cute.

It was near closing time and we left... he called me before we had gotten to the car and I ignored the call. He persisted and called and called and called...

I was glad that I didn't answer the phone because he was clearly crazy... he called me for like 2 days straight. Never once leaving a message. Weirdo.

But that's not why I didn't answer... I didn't answer because I was like, "why would a guy like THAT want to be with a girl like ME?"

My entire life I've battled self worth. I definitely do not feel like I'm good enough for anything. I'll be the first to tell you, I don't deserve a lot...

I'm not sure if my self worth image has to do anything with my obesity, but I'm sure as heck that it doesn't help. I guess I would say it's worse because of my obesity, but it's not based on it. I say that because I've never felt I was good enough for anything my whole life, and I haven't always been overweight.

I was quite normal at one point in life. I didn't have an issue with my weight until I was 11, when I gained weight upon moving to Kansas City, but by 14, with the help of puberty and an eating disorder, I was a very normal weight -- only to gain all that, plus back and by 15 I was 200 pounds.

(Realization moment: In 9 years, (which just so happen to be the 9 years I've been with Jennifer) I've gained 100 pounds. Well then...)

Off weight, back to self worth -- it's absolutely too ridiculous for me to believe that that guy didn't want me for me... He obviously was talking to me, right? He asked for my number, right? He even called, right? So then what the fuck is wrong with me to feel I don't deserve him?

I've done that with friends. Pretty girls, like "I'm-so-pretty-I-should-be-on-TV" pretty have come up and talked to me at bars and clubs and I always get nervous and suspicious like they have it out for me or something... or that they want something from me...

I definitely settle in life, just because I feel I don't deserve any better. Yes, I have very high goals set for myself, but somehow I always fall short of them because something happens, a set back, something to make me believe like I don't deserve it.

I guess this Lap-Band thing is a good example. I was so surprised to get two call backs because I was so sure that I didn't deserve it. I'm still 99% sure that I won't actually win the Lap-Band surgery, but I am very proud of myself for how far I came with it.

So we've covered men, goals... friends...

Friends... We all know that I've lied to people in the past, that I've sometimes elaborated on details to make myself sound better and more awesome... why? I can honestly say that it's because me for me isn't nearly enough to offer.

I still do it to Jennifer, she knows about it too -- she knows I'm not always truthful... at least I don't lie about things that will end up hurting her, I guess sometimes I just embellish on my day to make it more appealing. Her days are filled with awesomeness and stories and me and my mundane job, my mundane life - I don't do much. So I make up stuff. I'm creative, I'm an artist... I've done it my whole life... I really can't remember not doing it. I can vividly remember doing this in grade school.

I reckon this at some point was a cry for attention. Only child, broken home, shuffled between the houses of broken parents, etc... I guess I wanted to live in an imaginary world - I could make it anything I wanted, I could make it as perfect as I wanted.

This is nice and therapeutic... I'm having breakthroughs here, people...

I really have gotten better at lying, or bending the truth as life has gone on. When I was a teenager I used to completely fabricate full on stories... Now I just stretch slightly. ;-) And, no, it's not everyday, no it's not every time... I don't want you to be suspicious that I'm always lying or something... Trust me, it doesn't even matter it's so minimal now.

Jenn and I watched Nip/Tuck tonight and lesbian-whatsername is engaged to Christian, one of the plastic surgeons... they were having her shower and her mom was constantly wondering and questioning why they were getting married... Finally she came out and said that Christian had cancer and probably only had 6 months to live... her mom said, "oh, now I get it!" And lesbian-whatsername went on and on saying "what? you get what? you get that we're engaged now because he's sick? Because you don't think an attractive doctor could want me for me?" Then she told her mother that it was because of all her friends in the room that she had any self worth at all because her mother hadn't given her any when she was a child.

I guess that's how I feel, except I'm unsure of how I feel within my circle of friends. Sure, I adore them -- and they love me back. I have faith that if they didn't love me, they would leave... but sometimes their awesome overpowers me and I wonder how I came to be their friend in the first place.

Was I at one time, when I met them, more awesome? And with time, my awesome has depreciated? Or do they love me just the way I am... for some unknown reason they actually love this weird Jodie within all this excess skin and blubber...?

I'm sure they will all say the latter... but that could potentially be one of those truth stretching itself outward to protect the person they desire not to hurt, but to entertain.

Pic:

I feel this way about some people who intrude on my Twilight... or my Robert.

*wink*

xoxox