Big Ass Tiny Bullies

This is what happens when you only get three hours of Benedryl induced sleep. Your mind wanders... and you cyber stalk the people that you knew in a previous life.

It's funny how your life is broken down between friendships and relationships; houses and jobs; etc... those are the things that you can remember.

I remember far too much... and then again, I can't remember anything at all.

I came across a piece of hate mail directed to me and written in 2008. Probably before anyone who will read this knew me. I was on Google searching trying to find someone I once knew and I was linked back to my own blog and slapped in the face with this slew of comments talking how if I was - and I quote - "run over by a bus and killed that [this person] would be the happiest girl on the planet", how I will "never become anything" and how I was a "stupid bitch ruining everyone's life and just a waste of space on this earth".

Reading back those hurtful and hateful comments made me feel so unwanted all over again. It didn't matter what it was about... it hurt to read it again. It didn't matter who said it, when or what it was regarding... it hurt.

I realize it now as cyber bullying. This person basically encouraged me to kill myself numerous times. Imagine that -- imagine being so hated by someone that your death would cause them happiness.

Bullying is something that I put up with in grade school... a little in middle school... so much Freshman year of high school that I transfered schools (and in hindsight my mother says that we should have sued the pants off their "rich asses" because of it). Most often times (note the high school bullying) I was not backed up by the teacher.

They thought of me as tattling. "Mrs. Long, Tommy called me fat again and pulled my chair out from under me." She would sigh heavily and tell me to go sit down. Eventually, I found myself a burden. (Something that I have issues with in other forms, as well...)

The teachers said that there was nothing that they could do. "Just ignore it," they would say and continue teaching. Eventually I shut down and while I was ignoring it, I was also ignoring class.

I *WISH* that my teachers would have done something about the bullies in my school. I would have rather been sent to another class or teacher than to have to deal with that. I would have rather the bullies been sent to the principal and have disciplinary action taken on them EACH time they bullied me or someone else. That's the only way to correct it. (Oh, and for parents to RAISE THEIR CHILDREN CORRECTLY!!!!)

The sad thing is, now we have this wonderful tool called "The Internet" to hide behind where we can bully people behind a magic shield from the comfort of our living room or queen sized bed.

The terrible part about this is I grew up in a world where as soon as I got out of high school my teens I really thought (ignorantly) that adults would act differently than the children I grew up with. Let's face it: adults are nothing but children with bank accounts and real life Big Wheels.

The mass majority of these people that cyber bully would never (ever, ever, ever) say something to the face of the person they are bullying.

What's the point?

Why waste your time and your online figurative "breath" to bash, diss, bully, hate on ANYONE? What's the point? It doesn't make you look big and bad. It makes you look scared, threatened and jealous.

They say that the best revenge is success.

I've always taken this to heart and I've never thrown down and fought; I've never had any sort of yelling altercation (verbal or email written); I am more of a person to just pretend that you never happened to my life and walk away. Cut my losses, collect my remaining chips and just leave the table. It's my goal to remain somewhat graceful in everything. When you lose your dignity, others will lose their respect for you.

The Beauty of Bands

I just applied for a photo pass that I don't intend on being able to receive... but it brought this to mind: I don't know what my favorite bands look like.

...and that's okay with me.

Now, this is where some may say, "But Jodie, isn't your favorite band 100 Monkeys? I know you know what they look like..."

The answer there is not a simple one... Are they my favorite band? Yes... and no...

When a stranger asks me my favorite band, I am (of course) going to say 100 Monkeys, for hopes in recruiting someone new to listen to their music... but if, say... Johnson were to ask me my favorite band(s) I would say Death Cab, Telekinesis, Imagine Dragons, Ingram Hill, Islands, Mumford & Sons, Devil Makes Three, Arcade Fire... etc...

Out of those bands listed there, I have only seen Imagine Dragons and Ingram Hill perform live. I'd be able to recognize all of Ingram Hill easily as I am, shall we say, acquaintances with the lead singer... and along with the lead singer of Imagine Dragons, but with Death Cab, Telekinesis, Mumford & Sons, Arcade Fire and Islands I wouldn't be able to recognize any of them... I would be one of those ignorant fools sharing an elevator with one of them and not say anything just because I don't know who the hell they are!

I truly am just in love with their music.

In all honesty, I do not spend a lot of my time (if any) listening to 100 Monkeys. I get the majority of it whenever I attend a show... and randomly I'll throw on Smoke or Ugly Girl at times just to relive some memories or to miss the boys a little bit...

It's not that I don't love 100 Monkeys or their music. Clearly, I do. In fact, funny story here, I started to like their music in mid/late 2008 and didn't know what any of them looked like (aside from that one fellow, duh...). I saw them for the first time at SBL in August 2009. (Jackson wasn't there due to filming in Can-uh-duh) The Stevedores went on stage and I kept thinking to myself that this band was absolutely insane incredible, even missing Spencer. "Man, the drummer is THE SHIT." I said.

During the toast (which not apart of Thunderdome at this SBL...) and this tall blonde lanky dude in a purple shirt came and stood right in front of me for the toast.

I honest to god had no idea who the fuck he was. Bill Bell asked all the bands and friends of Spencer to come on stage and do the toast... he did so... I thought he was just a friend of Spencer's. He looked at me and cheers'd his Jameson before he took the shot.

A tad later when he (and that drummer that I liked so much) took the stage for 100 Monkeys my mouth hit the floor. I had absolutely no idea that they were a part of the band!

I played it off with the people that I was with... they knew me as the biggest 100 Monkeys fan that they knew -- little did they know that I did not know what this band looked like.

Why?

Because it wasn't important to me. I liked their music and their style, that's all that I cared about.

Later that night I got to chat with Ben for a little bit... we were going to their show the next day at Lucky Strike and when I got back to the hotel I went to their MySpace page and re-read their bios trying to figure out who was who in the band. Jerad was easy - I spent a good twenty minutes trying to figure out which Ben was which. (This was before they had photos with their little personal bios) ...the next day I danced my ass off at Lucky Strike and after the show I got to spend a little time with Ben again - he gave me a cut out guitar pick from an AMC gift card and I got a photo with him.

The rest, they say, is history. He's got to be one of the reasons why I ended up liking the band as much as I do. If he wasn't so sweet and didn't spend as much time with me as he did those first two days/shows - lord knows where I'd be now.

When I saw the band again that November he remembered me. That meant even more to me.

This all started because I requested a photo pass to Death Cab's show in Alabama and their opening act is Telekinesis. I posted a song of theirs on my Facebook and as I was looking for the one I wanted I came across a video of Telekinesis performing at a radio station - I clicked it and it was the first time that I had ever seen the band. I had no idea that the drummer was in fact, also the vocalist and that the bassist was a hot asian chick.

I almost prefer to not know what they all look like... I almost prefer to not know their names, birthdays or marital status -- If I can keep ignorant on all of that -- if they're always just a band with music that I adore, then there's never any sort of bad association with it. Ignorance is bliss. I don't want to know who they wrote their songs about; I just want to apply them to my life.

People.

The people that know you most in life - you may as well trust in them more than you trust in yourself.

You doubt yourself.
You hurt yourself.
You let yourself down.
You stand in your way.
You will set yourself up to fail.
You tell yourself all the things that you will never be smart enough, good enough, pretty enough to do.

The people that know you most in life would never betray you like you betray and belittle yourself.

Those people that were there for you before you got fat... before you got famous... before you earned all that money... before you lost all that money... before you got arrested... before you fixed your nose... ...those are the real people on this planet. Those are the people that will save you from the train that's coming at you full speed. Those are the people that will carry you to the bathroom and put your head in the toilet when you drank the entire bottle of Jameson. You'll beat yourself up about it the next day - they won't; they overlook it and love you regardless...

They don't even love you in spite of all of your flaws - they love you *because* of all your flaws. Without your flaws, you'd be a boring person. Without your flaws, you'd be... someone else. Someone who is not you.

These people love you. They know your soul. They look into your eyes and hear you crying when you have on your brave smiling face for the world... these are the people that matter more than your mother and your father. These are the people that don't only want to hear the good things in your life, they want to hear about all the shit you go through, as well.

These are the people that have not only changed you for the better, but they have made you the person that you are today.

Hold onto these people with both hands and never let go... these people are more precious than gold.

Blatantly Honest: My Weight

Thomas Jefferson said, "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today." I think at one point, we all regret never listing to this wonderful piece of advice. For me, it's been the last decade.

It's no secret that my weight has been a constant issue with me for almost as long as I can remember. I was a thin child (in hindsight), but I was made fun of for being "fat", probably because I was taller than the rest of the children in my class.

I participated in sports (gymnastics, swimming competitions, roller skating, biking, running) and I was constantly outside every day growing up. Yet, I was called "fat" by my peers. I had issues with food starting at a young age, as well. (To which, I cannot discuss my childhood food issues in a public venue such as this, but I will discuss my latter issues.)

If you call someone 'stupid' long enough, they will believe it. I became fat because I believed I already was. Children are hateful and cruel.

I've blocked out a good portion of my life, but I can recall the first time that I ever starved myself.

I was 13 and now living in Kansas City with my mother. I had just been clinically diagnosed with ADHD and depression and I was the biggest girl in my dance class. I don't remember how, but from 5th grade in the small town of Wamego, Kansas to 6th grade in the big city of Kansas City - I gained weight. I don't know how much weight, I don't even properly recall sizes, but I got big. (I was a size 13 in 6th grade, that much I do recall - but I don't know what I was in 5th grade.)

I put Post-It notes on all the food that I wanted to eat to remind myself not to eat it. My mother told me that starving myself wouldn't make me lose weight and that I needed to eat healthy foods.

I also recall that one time I was riding my bike around the lake where I lived when a boy shouted out, "exercise won't help!" ...I told my mother of this and she gently corrected me, "exercise WILL help."

Irony is something that I've always been a fan of. I get tickled when it happens to me in every day life... though, it's not as funny, though still ironic that at 13 years old and a size 13 I was trying to lose weight because I was perceived to be "heavy". Now, here I am 26 years old and I would chop off my left leg if I thought it would help me fit into a size 13.

Ironic.

It's funny how you never see something clearly until you look back at it from a distance.

This photo was taken freshman year of high school (1999) in October right before the homecoming dance. I was so self conscious. Here I thought I would look like a cow compared to my beautiful friend sitting next to me, and in hindsight I realize that I was, in fact, smaller than her. This was a size 12 and I was 5'5. I weighed just under 200lbs.

Just a few months later I met who would be my best friend in the entire world, Jennifer.

This photo was taken February 1, 2000 -- just 5 months after the previous photo. Still 5'5, I now weighed exactly 200lbs and I was about a size 14.

When friends would ask me how much I weighed I would lie and tell them 160. They believed me.

November 24, 2000. 5'6. Weight aprox 210. Size 15. (Yes, those are pleather pants. This was also the first trip that started my love and need for travel; Las Vegas.)

Late July 2002. Age 17. 5'7. Weight 220lbs. Size 20.

2002 is when it all started to get very serious. I went through many life changing events that year. I became very depressed. I started to self-harm. I fought with myself constantly. Binging. Binging. Fasting. Binging. Purging. Fasting. This was the year that the self-destruction began.

2003 was the first year that I lived alone... I was 18 and partying every night of the week. When I look back at that year, I'm honestly surprised that I made it out alive.

2004 is when the self-harming and under-eating were at their peak. I was working for Kansas City's biggest radio station and most popular jock - I was under constant pressure and I was unraveling.

There are not many photos from 2003-2006. It was a very, very dark time for me. I hit my highest weight of 310 in 2005. I was the epitome of spiraling out of control... no one could save me, or even wanted to. I don't think anyone truly knew that there was a problem... and if they did... they didn't want to help.

6 months vegetarian/under-eating regularly with frequent binges. Self-harming under pressure. Self-medicating. May 21, 2007. Weight 290. Size 24.

2007 was hell. I was flown out to Los Angeles to record my first "pop" album from the record label in Kansas City that I was signed to. The short story: the producer was a fucked up individual. I ended up with nothing to show from the trip but a scar on my arm to remind me never to trust again. And also, to never sign to another record label.

October, 2008. Height 5'8, 285lbs, size 22.

My life started to turn around for the better in fall of 2008. Though I was nowhere near my goal weight, I finally got the binging and purging under control, the self-medicating and the self-harming was down to a minimum and I was just really getting into my photography.

The next couple years I went through a bit of a coma. I didn't really binge or purge... I didn't really fast or count calories... I just sort of maintained sub consciously. I was too busy thinking about other things (photography, 100 Monkeys, travel, etc) to really put hardcore effort into losing weight. Sure, it's something that is on my mind each day of my life, but I didn't not lose or gain a substantial amount from 2008-2010 to really make note of it.

Early January 2011, 5'8, 265lbs, size 20.

This photo was taken the last day of the winter tour with 100 Monkeys. 8 shows in 8 days and I lost 15lbs.

I'm now into my weight loss and I've lost a total thus far of 19lbs since leaving Las Vegas on September 2nd. I'm attempting to document the process (which shouldn't be hard since I'm a photographer... hah), and I'll be happy to share the photos once I pass that phase of it and move onto the next.

I have a weight loss goal set for myself to meet each week - thus far I am TWO full pounds ahead of schedule as today was my first "weigh in". :)

I only hope that I can keep this up and meet my ultimate goal weight. (Do not ask - I will not share as of right now.)

I am not ashamed of my weight or sharing these bits of information with you. I am ashamed of how I perceive my body and I am ashamed of how it makes me feel about myself. I am ashamed that I was a child model and that I let myself get to this point. I am ashamed that I had no self control.

I know that each girl (and more guys than will admit) have problems with their weight. Some people handle it the healthy way by cutting out 500 calories and walking a mile each night. Some people handle it by what the disorders in their head tell them to do. We cannot change each other or the way that others think. We cannot change what others think of us and the way that we choose to do things. We can, however, change how others see us.

If you're happy with yourself and your weight just the way you are - then own it and be proud of it, baby! If you want to lose 5lbs or even 100... it all starts with a single step and knowing that you're not alone...

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today...

What's your weight story?

Where I Was On 9.11.2001

In 2001 I spent a lot of my time skipping school. I would only attend two, or maybe three days a week max. By this point I had just given up caring. There were times that I would come to school just for choir and then leave as soon as the class was over.

We had a rotating schedule and so we only had each class every other day... (hence why I would attend two or three days since that's how often I would have choir and my creative writing class...)

September 11th, 2001 was a day that I had all the classes that I hated. I had math, history, science and the only redeeming class was acting on that day... however, the teacher was a slacker and so it basically turned into a study/naptime hour.

I awoke that morning earlier than I usually did and with more energy. I lay in bed wide awake as I pondered getting out and going to school or not. My mind told me that I should stay home... but my body was wide awake and I had nothing to do that day... so I got dressed and went to school... granted, I was late, (I was supposed to be in homeroom by 750a or so) but I was there.

I got to homeroom class about 849a, just as people were jumping to their deaths in Tower 1. I walked into class and the tv was on (muted, as always...) and all the students were chattering amongst themselves. I went and sat at my table when a fellow student told me what had happened.

At this point, no one in my class (or the world outside of the people on that flight) realized that this was a terrorist act. We watched CNN every morning (muted) and all we thought that some fool drove his plane into the World Trade Center on accident or by technical malfunction.

At 900 I was due to be at my first real class of the day. Math.

When I got the class I asked the teacher to put on CNN and she asked me why... (no one in her class had been watching earlier...) I said, "because a plane hit the World Trade Center." She put the tv on and I sat in my seat (in the front row) and I didn't take my eyes off the screen.

She was just getting ready to start class when I watched the live feed on CNN as the second plane hit the South Tower at 903a. I gasped and put my hand over my mouth. She asked me what happened, "another plane just hit the other tower!" "I think that they're just replaying it, sweetie." She said and turned to the tv to hear the astonished newscasters describe what had just been seen. "Oh my god, you're right." She replied.

All we did that day was watch the news. I did not know anyone personally involved. I did not know anyone lost. I had never been to New York yet. I didn't know what to think or feel, honestly.

When I got home from school that day, I turned on the news again. My daddy called me when he got home from work... we didn't know what to say to each other, but I remember he asked me if I was okay. "Yeah, I'm fine... this is just crazy."

Jennifer was very upset by the events and by the amount of people that lost their lives.

I don't think I cried. I think I was shocked... appalled that this could happen to our country. However, now I am proud... I'm proud that we could all come together and love each other harder than ever before. I'm proud that TSA made more hoops for you to jump through to get onto an aircraft. I'm proud that people still believe in this event that changed our country ten years ago.

What's your story? Where were you? Did you know anyone? Lose anyone? Were you in New York? Tell me what happened with YOU.

A Long Deserved Ketchup

The past four weeks I have been on the road.

I saw and went through so many things on this tour. I attended literally half of this tour, which in just half of those dates, that's still longer than any other tour that they or I have ever done before... so I can't imagine them working each day in and day out double what I have done.

I am so very proud of them. My heart is completely full.

So much has happened... so much changed (for the better and the worse) on this tour... but I wouldn't have changed any of it. It panned out perfectly in the end.

I caught the first two shows of the tour back in June up in Cincinnati and Indianapolis. My photos from the Indianapolis shows are now present as the 100 Monkeys photo on their official Wikipedia page and on Jackson's official Wikipedia page. *pause for insanity* ...that's insane, right?

From there I went back to Houston and enjoyed my final time with Liz, whom I had been staying with since the beginning of the year. When I picked up the tour again, I wouldn't be coming back.

Mid-July I went down to Florida to pick up the tour again... Tampa, Orlando, Ft. Lauderdale with a friend - then I met Jennifer up again in Birmingham, New Orleans (where I got Bourbon faced on Shit street... never again... ugh.), Houston, Dallas (where I left the Roaddog with my step mom, who still has her...), Austin (where it was 1000 degrees in the shade...), Tulsa, St. Louis, Kansas City...

I paused in Kansas City and missed the next three shows (from what I heard I didn't miss a whole lot...) so I could spend some time with my Mama... from KC I caught the next ones in Seattle, Spokane, Portland (best run yet), San Francisco (which I attended entirely alone), LA (I had a day off here that I spent alone, as well. It was interesting... this is also where Jennifer re-joined the tour), Las Vegas (another 1000 degree day in the shade...), Anaheim and then we all ended the tour in San Diego.

Of course there were snags here and there - that happens with life and of course that's going to happen when you're traveling and when you're working... but for the most part it was a very positive experience. I don't hold any bad memories with anything. (Except for perhaps NOLA... which was my own damn fault...)

I met some amazing people out this time! So many wonderful people brought me little tokens and things, which was completely amazing and so appreciated! I got several memory cards from people, Golden Flake chips, balloon animals and a DVD, a Best Buy gift card, some people bought me drinks and I got an obscene amount of HUGS!!!! <3 I am so grateful for each of you that took the time to come and say hello, talk to me and give me hugs and smiles. Y'all made it so amazing.

Unfortunately I don't have photos ready to offer up to y'all. I have a few... but I managed to fill up each of my memory cards AND my computer while on the road... so I can't do much until I can afford an external hard drive here in a couple weeks or so. (I'm putting that Best Buy gift card towards it!)

The Florida shows were pretty awesome... I have some great memories from Orlando and I finally got to see that ocean in person. I never had before...

Birmingham is always a good time - that's where a fan brought me an obscene amount of Golden Flake chips and a tour survival kit! <3 ...I have been to the past two shows that 100 Monkeys played at the Workplay theatre and so there was no way that I was going to miss them there this time around. It was so much fun...

I was so happy to get back to Kansas City. I know that I said I was so anxious to leave that town - but after being gone from it for a YEAR I was so happy to see my mother and those streets again. I introduced my mama to the band and she shot the show from the front row with me...

Check out my Mama's photos of 100 Monkeys here! She really enjoyed the show and the guys!

The Pacific Northwest was amazing. I caught up with my friend Kenzie there who lives in Portland and she was so hospitable!! <3 We had a blast in Seattle... it was the first time that I actually explored a city on my day off. We went to the first Starbucks, Pike's Market, the Space Needle and Viretta (Kurt Cobain) park.

For anyone who knows me a tad, knows that I love Nirvana and Kurt Cobain... it was completely emotional and wonderful. I was so moved by it and I felt entirely blessed that I was able to experience it.

The end of the tour was insane... I didn't cry as much as I had imagined, so many laughs were had and a multitude of memories were made. I'll never forget this...

Something that I have taken away from each show/most memorable about the city:

Cincinnati: "You shut up."
Indianapolis: Telling so many people about Spencer Bell.
Tampa: Seeing Bleeding Horse Express for the first time.
Orlando: The tallest stage I have ever encountered.
Ft. Lauderdale: Partying with Cassandra.
Birmingham: "You dance!"
NOLA: "It's so hot..."
Houston: Handcuffs. :)
Dallas: Getting the best email of my life.
Austin: Chain smoking in 110 degree weather.
Tulsa: You see... what had happened was...
St. Louis: Homeless people with records; 40 oz beers; spinning
Kansas City: Introducing my mama to the band!
Seattle: Seeing Kurt Cobain park. <3
Spokane: Being the only one in the photo pit. (That also happened in NOLA & Texas.)
Portland: Dancing harder than I ever have before at a 100 Monkeys show!!
San Francisco: Conversations about death and pants.
LA: BALLOONS!
Las Vegas: Watching the boys zipline across Fremont.
Anaheim: Some people have your back and some want to stab it.
San Diego: Thoroughly getting to say goodbye. <3

Where did I leave that Delorean? I'm ready to do it all over again.