Big Ass Tiny Bullies

This is what happens when you only get three hours of Benedryl induced sleep. Your mind wanders... and you cyber stalk the people that you knew in a previous life.

It's funny how your life is broken down between friendships and relationships; houses and jobs; etc... those are the things that you can remember.

I remember far too much... and then again, I can't remember anything at all.

I came across a piece of hate mail directed to me and written in 2008. Probably before anyone who will read this knew me. I was on Google searching trying to find someone I once knew and I was linked back to my own blog and slapped in the face with this slew of comments talking how if I was - and I quote - "run over by a bus and killed that [this person] would be the happiest girl on the planet", how I will "never become anything" and how I was a "stupid bitch ruining everyone's life and just a waste of space on this earth".

Reading back those hurtful and hateful comments made me feel so unwanted all over again. It didn't matter what it was about... it hurt to read it again. It didn't matter who said it, when or what it was regarding... it hurt.

I realize it now as cyber bullying. This person basically encouraged me to kill myself numerous times. Imagine that -- imagine being so hated by someone that your death would cause them happiness.

Bullying is something that I put up with in grade school... a little in middle school... so much Freshman year of high school that I transfered schools (and in hindsight my mother says that we should have sued the pants off their "rich asses" because of it). Most often times (note the high school bullying) I was not backed up by the teacher.

They thought of me as tattling. "Mrs. Long, Tommy called me fat again and pulled my chair out from under me." She would sigh heavily and tell me to go sit down. Eventually, I found myself a burden. (Something that I have issues with in other forms, as well...)

The teachers said that there was nothing that they could do. "Just ignore it," they would say and continue teaching. Eventually I shut down and while I was ignoring it, I was also ignoring class.

I *WISH* that my teachers would have done something about the bullies in my school. I would have rather been sent to another class or teacher than to have to deal with that. I would have rather the bullies been sent to the principal and have disciplinary action taken on them EACH time they bullied me or someone else. That's the only way to correct it. (Oh, and for parents to RAISE THEIR CHILDREN CORRECTLY!!!!)

The sad thing is, now we have this wonderful tool called "The Internet" to hide behind where we can bully people behind a magic shield from the comfort of our living room or queen sized bed.

The terrible part about this is I grew up in a world where as soon as I got out of high school my teens I really thought (ignorantly) that adults would act differently than the children I grew up with. Let's face it: adults are nothing but children with bank accounts and real life Big Wheels.

The mass majority of these people that cyber bully would never (ever, ever, ever) say something to the face of the person they are bullying.

What's the point?

Why waste your time and your online figurative "breath" to bash, diss, bully, hate on ANYONE? What's the point? It doesn't make you look big and bad. It makes you look scared, threatened and jealous.

They say that the best revenge is success.

I've always taken this to heart and I've never thrown down and fought; I've never had any sort of yelling altercation (verbal or email written); I am more of a person to just pretend that you never happened to my life and walk away. Cut my losses, collect my remaining chips and just leave the table. It's my goal to remain somewhat graceful in everything. When you lose your dignity, others will lose their respect for you.

Where I Was On 9.11.2001

In 2001 I spent a lot of my time skipping school. I would only attend two, or maybe three days a week max. By this point I had just given up caring. There were times that I would come to school just for choir and then leave as soon as the class was over.

We had a rotating schedule and so we only had each class every other day... (hence why I would attend two or three days since that's how often I would have choir and my creative writing class...)

September 11th, 2001 was a day that I had all the classes that I hated. I had math, history, science and the only redeeming class was acting on that day... however, the teacher was a slacker and so it basically turned into a study/naptime hour.

I awoke that morning earlier than I usually did and with more energy. I lay in bed wide awake as I pondered getting out and going to school or not. My mind told me that I should stay home... but my body was wide awake and I had nothing to do that day... so I got dressed and went to school... granted, I was late, (I was supposed to be in homeroom by 750a or so) but I was there.

I got to homeroom class about 849a, just as people were jumping to their deaths in Tower 1. I walked into class and the tv was on (muted, as always...) and all the students were chattering amongst themselves. I went and sat at my table when a fellow student told me what had happened.

At this point, no one in my class (or the world outside of the people on that flight) realized that this was a terrorist act. We watched CNN every morning (muted) and all we thought that some fool drove his plane into the World Trade Center on accident or by technical malfunction.

At 900 I was due to be at my first real class of the day. Math.

When I got the class I asked the teacher to put on CNN and she asked me why... (no one in her class had been watching earlier...) I said, "because a plane hit the World Trade Center." She put the tv on and I sat in my seat (in the front row) and I didn't take my eyes off the screen.

She was just getting ready to start class when I watched the live feed on CNN as the second plane hit the South Tower at 903a. I gasped and put my hand over my mouth. She asked me what happened, "another plane just hit the other tower!" "I think that they're just replaying it, sweetie." She said and turned to the tv to hear the astonished newscasters describe what had just been seen. "Oh my god, you're right." She replied.

All we did that day was watch the news. I did not know anyone personally involved. I did not know anyone lost. I had never been to New York yet. I didn't know what to think or feel, honestly.

When I got home from school that day, I turned on the news again. My daddy called me when he got home from work... we didn't know what to say to each other, but I remember he asked me if I was okay. "Yeah, I'm fine... this is just crazy."

Jennifer was very upset by the events and by the amount of people that lost their lives.

I don't think I cried. I think I was shocked... appalled that this could happen to our country. However, now I am proud... I'm proud that we could all come together and love each other harder than ever before. I'm proud that TSA made more hoops for you to jump through to get onto an aircraft. I'm proud that people still believe in this event that changed our country ten years ago.

What's your story? Where were you? Did you know anyone? Lose anyone? Were you in New York? Tell me what happened with YOU.

Life Under Water: A Series Of Confessions

My life has a perfectly timed and always accurate running commentary. My evenly placed (and not so evenly placed) breaths; my evenly beating (and not so evenly beating) heart. Every bone that cracks, every itch of my skin, every single droning thought in my overstuffed and unorganized head...

All the commentary and soundtrack for me.

There are times that I want to slip under water... to go completely under. Drowning is not drowning at all; it's suffocating. Your body will not actually allow you to inhale much water... however, you don't receive air and therefore, you suffocate. Which, can be quite pleasant... much like slipping away. As your head goes under water and it fills up more of your face, slowly inching closer to your eyes and turning off your peripheral vision... something like that, I'd imagine. Slowly everything just fades to black.

There is always something that keeps us alive. For some it is religion. Whether that may mean they have faith that their "God" has put purpose in them or if they merely believe that to take their life would be a sin - it's keeping them alive. For some it is love. May it be they are so entirely loved that nothing is missing from their life or perhaps they have the drive to keep searching for what will fill them up completely; believing that it is love. For me I say, "it's not the right time..."

I find little mundane things to live for each day. Today it was one friend. Today it was Frank Sinatra and the way my pillows look when they're tear stained. Some days it's my best friend. Some days it's my boys. Some days it's nothing.

Some people are out of things to live for. While some would consider suicide a "thoughtless" or "selfless" act... to those I say you're both right and wrong. If I lost someone close to me from suicide and someone said "she was selfish... what about... what about...?" I'd say, "then you must not have known her so well. You didn't take the time to see just what she was going through." For those who have children and responsibilities... THOSE things should be your reasons to live... for those who aren't fortunate enough to have those luxuries - I would not consider your suicide selfish.

Sure, it is selfish... but isn't that what it's about? Your suicide is about you. You aren't killing. You are ending your pain and misery.

I have been in pain and misery for the majority of my 26 years having never really had many moments that I would call "happy". ...With one exception. (There's always an exception to the rule...)

2010.

2010 was the first year that I did not attempt suicide since I was 18.

That is not a fact that I have shared with many - and now I have shared it with all. I figure that I have this public platform to reach people on - I may as well utilize it.

I have been told a few times by people who read this that "we have a lot in common...", I hope that you can empathize with me on this entry. I know that times are hard, that life sucks more than it rocks, I know that each day when you wake up you have to face everything all over again and I know what it's like to count the hours in the day... to you, I want to say that if you can just find something to live for TODAY, you can make it through.

For those who have never felt this way, consider yourself blessed. Understand that it's not something people can turn on and off... understand that sometimes it's just something that people are born with... understand that by you reaching out to your friend who never reaches out to you that you could be saving their life that day. You are needed and wanted... but, it's so hard to say "help me".

I am unsure about a lot of things in my life right now, but I do know one thing for certain: I love my art. For that I stay alive... and I love the support that I am given. Right now I have a lot to be thankful for and I hope that 2011 will be as great as 2010.

As always, thank you to those who take the time to read this. Pixie Stix and Diet Coke's to those who comment.

*EDIT* You know what else keeps me going? Perfectly timed emails from my favorite people on the planet.

Dread - The Movie

"but it's just because I'm fearful... fearful..."

This post contains MASSIVE spoilers/stills for the movie Dread with Jackson Rathbone.

If you don't want to know what happens so you can be surprised on January 29th when the movie hits theaters, then I suggest you run now. If you would like to read about part of it but don't want to know what happens at the end, I will warn again before I post stills of the ending of the film.

Don't get pissed at me if you know the ending after you read my blog! I warned!! ((And I don't spoil EVERYTHING!! You will still be surprised about a lot when you see the film!!)

I was lucky enough to see Dread, starring Jackson Rathbone. After seeing a few stills, the trailer and a behind the scenes of the movie a few months ago, I could not wait to see the movie. It looked different, scary and something that would allow Jackson to have some range and put himself in a different role than he had ever been in.

The story is by Clive Barker, the same guy who is responsible for Hellraiser, so I was expecting genuine, balls-to-the-wall HORROR.

The film is rated R for "strong bloody violence, disturbing sadistic content, graphic sexuality, nudity and language."

Strong bloody violence? Check. (But not until the end.)

Disturbing sadistic content? Check. (Not till about half to 3/4 the way through though.)

Graphic sexuality? Check. (They manage to get that in there pretty quickly.)

Nudity? Check. (At the same time as the graphic sexuality.)

Language? Check. (Jackson's character, Stephen, has a bit of a potty mouth.)

(PLOT SPOILERS, MINOR.)

For those that don't know the plot, let me lay it out for you. Stephen (Jackson Rathbone) is a film major student who works part time at the library with his friend Abby. Abby has a birthmark covering half of her body... Stephen meets Quaid (Shaun Evans) and they decide to do their senior thesis on "dread", what it is about people's fears that keep them from living, that sort of thing. They enlist Stephen's friend Cheryl to edit the film.

The three of them have very diverse backgrounds that lead to their "dread". Quaid's parents were murdered in front of him when he was six and subsequently, he's on medication to keep the nightmares and illusions at bay. Cheryl's dad molested her and worked as a butcher, so she's a vegetarian that can't stand the smell of meat and Stephen's brother drove drunk and got in a car wreck, killing himself when Stephen was only 15.

(PLOT SPOILERS, MODERATE)

As they are interviewing people for their film Cheryl and Stephen hit it off and have a nice little date, make out a little...

but it turns out that Abby likes Stephen more than just a friend. While they're interviewing people for their video, Quaid goes off of his meds and Abby offers to be interviewed, but only if Stephen will do it alone. He goes to her place and interviews her and while the tape is rolling she says that she'll show him what she's not shown many people and she strips down to her underwear. (Major kudos to the makeup department.) She touches his face lightly and kisses him. He kisses her back briefly but then tells her that he can't because, "my heart is in a different place." She goes, "what the fuck does that even mean?" And then she tells him to get out. He leaves the camera, while it's still on, and then asks Quaid later to go pick up the camera.

When Quaid goes to pick up the camera at Abby's place, he seduces her, makes her feel beautiful and they have sex. (Hot, kinky, sex.) Later on, Quaid loses it at his place and breaks all Stephen's camera equipment and Cheryl's computer. Cheryl storms out and Stephen basically tells him he's bat shit crazy and leaves, abandoning the assignment, even though it's near the deadline.

(PLOT SPOILERS, MAJOR)

Turns out that Quaid had a backup on an external hard drive and edited the assignment and turned it in, getting them all a B+. While Stephen is leaving school that night, Quaid pulls up in a car exactly like the one that Stephen's brother had been driving when he died (which Quaid had bought for Stephen off of Craigslist...) and apologizes, tells him he'll replace everything and asks him to get into the car so he can apologize.

Stephen gets in the car and Quaid starts to tell them how he wants to take their film to the next level, he doesn't want to stop it yet. Stephen tells him that he's done with the film, it was just a senior thesis for him and he wants to move forward. Quaid takes out a flask and takes a drink... Stephen is mad... Quaid tells him to think about what it would have been like for his brother to be drinking and driving... what he would have thought moments before he died as he's pushing the car as fast as it will go... Eventually the car stops and Stephen gets out, looking like he's about to throw up... he leaves as Quaid begs him for forgiveness... again... Stephen leaves him.

Quaid starts to turn the project around make people face these fears that they opened up about... he does it with Abby and Cheryl (I won't tell you how... he did it with Stephen and the car - that was minor compared to the girls...) and he does it with one of the other interviewees.

Finally Stephen realizes that Quaid isn't going to stop this until he's faced with HIS fear... so Stephen gets an axe... heads up to Quaid's bedroom while he's sleeping... starts to chop down his door. (It's intense.) Finally Stephen drops the axe and Quaid storms out from his bedroom and shoves a gun to his head before pistol whipping him...

(PLOT SPOILERS -- ENDING)

Stephen wakes up and he's tied to a chair, his face bloodied. While Stephen and Quaid are watching a video of what happened to Cheryl, they hear a noise downstairs. Quaid storms off and leaves Stephen, who eventually gets himself untied from the chair and he heads down to the kitchen to get a knife...

(I'm in the kitchen with a knife that's itchin' for your red blood...)

he's about ready to tackle Quaid and stab him when one of the other interviewees comes to Stephen with an axe and chops into him.

Stephen lays there... dying...

Quaid hovers over him... watching him die and looking majorly unimpressed.

Stephen dies...

his eyes unfocus and Quaid drags his body down to his basement where we find Cheryl is still alive...

(NO MORE SPOILERS)

The movie, overall, was not as scary as I had imagined... however, as far as phycological thriller goes, it definitely seeps into your brain and makes you think. You genuinely care for Stephen, Cheryl and Abby's characters. (And not just because it's Jackson Rathbone...)

Jackson did an outstanding job. It was everything that I was banking on it to be, honestly. Jackson can probably rest assured that he'll never be typecast. I will say what I've been saying for over a year now -- Jackson is the most talented actor out there today. He's got depth and range that are going to eventually make him a veteran in this business. The way he develops his characters is fascinating, little nervous ticks, glints and looks in their eyes... etc...

The film reminded me of a lot of things, one thing it reminded me of was Spencer... so it was almost not a surprise when I heard The Stevedores "Fearful" in the credits. :) A little bit of Spencer everywhere you go.

I hope that you'll see the film!

All The Lonely People

"...It's called heaven, and when I get there,

Maybe I'll find god...

But god ain't helping me very much,

and he sure as hell, ain't a very good guy..."

I had a good day yesterday. Went shopping for some new clothes - tried to find a damn good pair of skinny jeans and just fucking can't. I'm going to have to end up shelling out $80 at Torrid for a pair and that pisses me off.

I keep looking for my "_______" outfit, but I can't find anything worthy.

I did however find a really cute skirt at Forever 21 and a black tee to go with it. The entire outfit was like, $23! Freaking cheap.

Then we went to Target where I found a dress on clearance for $6 and a tee for $3. I can shop like a motherfucker, I swear. I am so proud of myself for how facking cheap I was! :)

Yesterday I got a Vince Gill care package in the mail from the Grammy's. It came with an autographed 8x10 photo, a 4 disc CD set, more postcards and 50 5x7 limited edition Grammy winner cards. Badass. I love that the Grammy's love me. :) [Now to just win one...]

Tonight Jennifer and I are going to see The Final Destination. We saw the preview for it in, I wanna say Harry Potter, but that doesn't seem right... when we saw the preview I instantly knew it was Final Destination, but at the same time, I didn't know they were making another one! Very pleasantly surprised!

Jennifer swore up and fucking down that we were NOT going to see this movie. Meanwhile, I have to continue the trend! 10 years ago I saw the first one in the theater... saw the 2nd on in the theater... 3rd one in the theater... you get the gist.

I actually don't care for horror films. They used to be my cup of tea and now I find that they're too scary. Although, I think I might be getting back into them a bit... but Final Destination fascinates me because of the element of death. The fact that DEATH is killing them. No murderer, no evil Saw/Hostel torture shit, it's imminent because of FATE. 2 things that I am strongly obsessed with. Death. Fate.

She swears that she loves horror movies but nearly refuses to see this one because its "too real" for her. That this one is harder to watch than all the others.

The kicker? This one is in fucking 3-D!

I cannot wait!

Picture of the Day:

Decided to change it up. I felt kinda bad that I always put Jackson up as the picture of the day. I know a lot of people don't see the beauty in him that I do and so I shouldn't shove him in your face. The only reason I put him up there every day is because I don't think he gets enough respect or love, but, I digress.

Today's photo of the day is a journal entry by Spencer Bell. I hope that you're able to read it... The first part Spencer says that he always feels like the first page of a new journal/notebook should be profound. (I feel the same way.) And then later he came back and wrote,

"Do not pray to the heavens, as they house only clouds; pray to your mind as God lives in your thoughts."

Also, I have posted 2 new photos on my photoblog. Click there to check em out!

xoxox