A Distraction

Yesterday was one of the worst days that I have had to face in a while... I wrote a blog about it all last night, but as I came closer to bed and the early pressing hours, I realized that it was not something that I should post on a public venue.

I received a lot of love on my Facebook page when I stated that I was upset because I was finally saying aloud what I had known for most of my life: I have no family. I raised myself... this is why I travel, this is why I cry... this is why I perpetually search.

This came about full circle when my plans for moving back to Kansas City went up in flames.

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No one is listening anyway.

Here's some photos that made me happy yesterday when I was depressed.

And for those who made it through all of that... yes, I'm still depressed... no, not all of my problems have been able to be solved. Yes, it's more complicated than I can express.

Tonight I'm going to a Halloween party. I plan on enjoying chemicals and alcohol fully whilst I dance around in a slutty outfit and hit on strangers... ROLL TIDE!!! I love Alabama! :)

I Knew I Forgot Something...

"You hold your head up to the sky you say 'what kind of blue are you?'

Then you ride a pony 'round and 'round it's digging a hole right through, 

You stumble down the Yellow Brick Road spinning your shoes in the air, 

Then you hold your breath and count to nine, 

Hoping that soon somebody will find you..." 

Yesterday I didn't touch my computer at all... so, it's not a surprise that I forgot to blog. Hopefully I can "make up" for that today by blogging something seriousfull.

Of course I had to decide to do this whole blog-everyday-thing now... when I'm wanting nothing more than to hide my head in sand.

I have appreciated the emails of confidence and help plus the lovely texts from all you beautiful people. Perhaps it's best that I force myself to do this so that I don't completely fade away.

Yesterday I went to the mall for 7 hours while Jennifer was at work. I listened to my iPod until it died, just watching the people pass by. Strangest thing - people are lovely when you don't have to hear them and you aren't in a rush to get anywhere specific... it's nice to have your own soundtrack to their fuckery.

The first place that I went was to the Borders book store in the mall. I had planned on stopping for coffee at Starbucks beforehand, but I'm glad that I waited because it turns out they had a Seattle's Best in the Borders! I got a coffee and told the barista boy that I was surprised to see one this far South... then of course, I've just moved to Houston. He said there were four or five in the area and one in every Borders... oh well... I'm clearly a regular at Starbucks and Barnes and Noble.

The first time that I had Seattle's Best was in the Denver airport on the way to Seattle, actually. Last June... unfortunately my iced coffee had grounds in the bottom of the cup and I ranted to Twitter that if you're going to call yourself "Seattle's BEST" that you maybe should keep up with that trend...

That would be a hard thing to do... while I can understand wanting to name your coffee "Seattle's Best", you'd think that it would be a reflection of your product -- which, I'm sure it is... but for me being a first time drinker at that time and to find grounds in my coffee - it didn't set the impression bar very high.

I'm kind of a coffee snob. Yep, I'll admit it.

But... yesterday's coffee was in fact Seattle's "best". I quite enjoyed it. The cute barista boy brewed it fresh for me. :) It's impressive what a little niceness and a smile will get you. (I wasn't even wearing makeup!)

I wandered around Border's and was in search of a photography or a psychology book... instead I found neither; I found Cobain Unseen - a book with insight into Kurt Cobain's belongings. Obviously I bought it.

I bought Kurt Cobain's journals book back in 2002 when it was released... unfortunately I'm not sure where that book is now... I suppose it's either lost or back in Kansas City. I will re-buy it if it's lost... that's a book that I miss.

This book talks about Kurt's connection to his material things... it has exclusive photos from the Kurt Cobain Estate -- (all of his possessions are in a high security locker in Olympia, WA now...) It was really quite fascinating. I learned a lot about him that I didn't know yet. Of course, I'll be honest... I never really studied Kurt - he fascinated me just the way he was and I never felt the urge to really search him further. I sort of took him as he was and kept it at that. So, it was nice to learn about him, parts of his childhood, his psyche, his multiple attempts at suicide and how he always knew his fate.

He didn't seem like a person who had a low and decided to take his life. To me, he reminds me of the center person that they followed in the documentary The Bridge (documentary about people who take their lives by jumping from the Golden Gate -- it's on Hulu.com for free, please go watch it) -- the guy they follow through the entire film and keep going back to was chronically depressed and always knew he wasn't going to "make it" long in life. He always referenced suicide and said that's how he would die. His family had even come to terms with it... Hearing more about Kurt really reminded me of this...

Also I learned that just a few months before Kurt's death that while in Rome with Nirvana he took 20 Rohypnol pills and washed them down with a bottle of champagne; citing Shakespeare in his suicide note. 2 things -- why Rohypnol?!! And if you're a druggie who has been contemplating suicide your entire life, you should have "known better" than to use Rohypnol. Though it seems like it was a legit attempt at suicide, at the same time, I can't imagine that he was serious...

Then again... I don't know Kurt.

Moving on... (otherwise I'll talk about this book and the ins and outs of it forever...)

Something strange about yesterday's events was that while I was waiting for Jennifer to get her lunch break I was sitting at a table reading my new book, listening to my headphones with three beverages in front of me... random people kept sitting in the chair across from me.

Now, I've said before and I'll continue to say many, many times here-over, I AM ALL ABOUT MANNERS! Perhaps in those manners would be "do not sit with strangers". An amendment to that would be to at least ASK the stranger before plopping down in front of them.

It's no secret that I've been depressed the past few days and by wanting to go out to the mall and be *near* people - that was my way of not... shall we say... going off the deep end. But, that doesn't mean that I wish to sit with people!

For those who don't know me, you should be made aware that I basically keep to myself. My phone doesn't go off much - it never rings - and I'm not the person who stands behind you in the line at Target and makes conversation. While I am very friendly, I don't go out of my way to be social. If you ask those who I am close with - they will tell you that I am pretty quiet. (Other than my loud music... but hey, that drowns out people talking.)

Unfortunately, I feel like my online persona is much more interesting than I really am in real life. Yes, when I'm with the boys I talk and engage... but that's probably a different thing for a different day... they're a rare exception to most rules, I've found.

Regardless, I found it to be quite rude that these strangers sat with me. More than one person on more than one occasion! I ended up pulling the chairs in very close to me and sticking my feet on them. No, you may not sit here.

As I said in a blog entry, probably dated back in September... my manners are almost to a fault at times. There are times when I shouldn't be so capped by them... but I find it best to have too-good of manners than too few.

At least I know that's something that my children will have -- good manners. Unruly children are absolutely frightening. Don't you know that your children are a reflection of you?

...I suppose I should stop there...

Plans for this week:

Get over it.
Move on.
Start diet.
Find other meanings to life.
Contemplate new hair colors.
Remember to blog.

Picture of the Day:

[Insert Depression Here]

This day wasn't supposed to start out badly. It just sort of developed that way. It's not even noon and I already know that this day is a scratch.

Unfortunately I committed to making this blog entry every day of April... I shouldn't have done that.

Phone is off and I've closed Facebook down to just the minimum. Anything else goes astray and Facebook is gone. The one thing that kept me on Facebook for the longest time was the fact that my photography page is linked to it and there's nearly 800 people attached to that. It would be irresponsible and wasteful for me to give that up... but at this point, I'm not ruling anything out.

There's so much that I realize and that I'm aware of and people just don't SEE that. The fact that I see it when I'm in it -- shouldn't that make it that much more impressive? But no... nothing can impress you. I do try.

It's exhausting to be what everyone wants me to be all the time... to not have a place to hide... And for those who say "just be yourself"... trust me... you don't want to see that. So I portray the image of myself that you expect or what you think I am. It's not a lie -- it is ME... it's just a very diluted version, I'd say. I suppose we all do it to one extent or another.

It's times like these that I fight it and try to go against the grain... "what's in it for me?" "why am I here?" "what's the point of it all?" "I give up."

It doesn't really matter anyhow. This is one big game and one giant charade.

The ones listening are just waiting for the sound of my fall.

Goodnight.

Life Under Water: A Series Of Confessions

My life has a perfectly timed and always accurate running commentary. My evenly placed (and not so evenly placed) breaths; my evenly beating (and not so evenly beating) heart. Every bone that cracks, every itch of my skin, every single droning thought in my overstuffed and unorganized head...

All the commentary and soundtrack for me.

There are times that I want to slip under water... to go completely under. Drowning is not drowning at all; it's suffocating. Your body will not actually allow you to inhale much water... however, you don't receive air and therefore, you suffocate. Which, can be quite pleasant... much like slipping away. As your head goes under water and it fills up more of your face, slowly inching closer to your eyes and turning off your peripheral vision... something like that, I'd imagine. Slowly everything just fades to black.

There is always something that keeps us alive. For some it is religion. Whether that may mean they have faith that their "God" has put purpose in them or if they merely believe that to take their life would be a sin - it's keeping them alive. For some it is love. May it be they are so entirely loved that nothing is missing from their life or perhaps they have the drive to keep searching for what will fill them up completely; believing that it is love. For me I say, "it's not the right time..."

I find little mundane things to live for each day. Today it was one friend. Today it was Frank Sinatra and the way my pillows look when they're tear stained. Some days it's my best friend. Some days it's my boys. Some days it's nothing.

Some people are out of things to live for. While some would consider suicide a "thoughtless" or "selfless" act... to those I say you're both right and wrong. If I lost someone close to me from suicide and someone said "she was selfish... what about... what about...?" I'd say, "then you must not have known her so well. You didn't take the time to see just what she was going through." For those who have children and responsibilities... THOSE things should be your reasons to live... for those who aren't fortunate enough to have those luxuries - I would not consider your suicide selfish.

Sure, it is selfish... but isn't that what it's about? Your suicide is about you. You aren't killing. You are ending your pain and misery.

I have been in pain and misery for the majority of my 26 years having never really had many moments that I would call "happy". ...With one exception. (There's always an exception to the rule...)

2010.

2010 was the first year that I did not attempt suicide since I was 18.

That is not a fact that I have shared with many - and now I have shared it with all. I figure that I have this public platform to reach people on - I may as well utilize it.

I have been told a few times by people who read this that "we have a lot in common...", I hope that you can empathize with me on this entry. I know that times are hard, that life sucks more than it rocks, I know that each day when you wake up you have to face everything all over again and I know what it's like to count the hours in the day... to you, I want to say that if you can just find something to live for TODAY, you can make it through.

For those who have never felt this way, consider yourself blessed. Understand that it's not something people can turn on and off... understand that sometimes it's just something that people are born with... understand that by you reaching out to your friend who never reaches out to you that you could be saving their life that day. You are needed and wanted... but, it's so hard to say "help me".

I am unsure about a lot of things in my life right now, but I do know one thing for certain: I love my art. For that I stay alive... and I love the support that I am given. Right now I have a lot to be thankful for and I hope that 2011 will be as great as 2010.

As always, thank you to those who take the time to read this. Pixie Stix and Diet Coke's to those who comment.

*EDIT* You know what else keeps me going? Perfectly timed emails from my favorite people on the planet.

It's Not Right, But It's Okay

My candle burns at both ends

It will not last the night;

But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -

It gives a lovely light.

Heath Ledger April 4, 1979 - January 22, 2008

I wasn't planning on blogging today... or talking today, for that matter... but I couldn't do that to Heath. I didn't want anyone to think that I forgot about him. Even with my life circling in a thousand different directions, my heart, my mind and my body being pulled in so many different directions - I still think of Heath. I didn't forget him.

[[my Heath Ledger post from last year... tons of pictures.]]

"I know it was me who called it over,

but I still wish you'd fought me till your dying day,

Cuz I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me,

so I can say this is the way I used to be..."

There's been so many things going on in my mind this week that I can't even begin to set them straight. This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life emotionally. I've been so many things to so many people, yet not once this week do I think I've been myself -- to myself.

I've had a week of breakdowns.

You know... I almost apologized right there for being a little "emo", but you know what? You came to my blog... you came here for whatever reason -- to keep tabs on me, perhaps you actually enjoy reading what I write, or maybe you're just bored... who knows... but you came here. There is no disclaimer and I make no apologies. I am the way that I am... or I am not. I am not sure.

Earlier this week during one of my breakdowns I took a stack of Post Its and a Sharpie and made notes to myself. I then posted them all over a picture frame, so many orange sticky papers covered it that you could no longer see the photo and they all were overlapping.

I'd like to share those Post Its with you now.

-Believe in something real.

-Don't lie to yourself.

-hate yourself before they can.

-He won't love you.

-RUN.

-make your autopsy interesting.

-Never be alone with your own thoughts.

-No more emotions.

-Save your heart. Now.

-LET GO.

-Stop breathing. It doesn't help.

-Love is painful.

-Stop loving.

-Talk yourself out of it.

-control more.

That's all of them except for one... One that in the light of day I don't agree with, so I'm not going to post what it said.

You know what I don't understand? Why I am so fucking honest here. Like, I didn't have to tell you that I was hiding a Post It from you... I could have told you that was all of them, and unless you were here to look through the Post It stack, you would never know the difference... but instead of lying, I told the truth.

Weird.

I often find myself wondering if things matter... if I matter... If I was to disappear tomorrow, would people ever notice or care? And then as I was wondering this someone Follow Friday'd me on Twitter. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous... but it was someone who I had never gotten a Follow Friday from before and I realized that just with one song, I had touched this persons life -- just a tiny bit, but enough for her to think of me... just a bit. It made me smile on the inside.

I know that there's a handful of people who would be "sad" if something happened to me... I also know that I didn't make that big of an impact to where anyone would be changed forever if I stopped living.

I've got friends that I live in the same city with that I can't keep plans with... I see my Twitter friends and my favorite bands more than I see these people that live in the same city/state as I do. I know a lot of that is my own damn fault.

A Post It that should have been: Everything is your fault.

I'm tired.

Drained... completely. I'm too tired to search, to press on... to find the next big thing in my life. I'm tired.

There's so much that I want in this life and I let so much ride along with it. To quote Van Wilder: "You can't treat every situation as a life or death matter, cuz you'll die a lot of times."

You know, that movie had a lot of amazing quotes. That one is particularly true of me. I know that everything is very dramatic in the life of Jodie - I know that I treat so much like life and death. Just last night I was having one of those moments...

Perhaps it's better that the music career didn't work out for me - I really can't stand the thought of people hating me. When someone says something to me just a little curt I immediately think of how they're ruining my life when I'm not there -- how I hate the fact that they "hate" me. Meanwhile, I think I think people think much more of me than they really do. While it all lingers with me - I'm sure I've left their minds just as quickly as I came.

I don't know what I want to do. I know that there are a few things in this life that I will literally die without. All of which, I cannot name here. They're not hard to figure out, if you know me...

While the definition of "die" changes. When I say that I will "literally die" without these things. I do mean "cease to live". You may take that in any way that you desire. For some that will mean that I will stop breathing in the literal sense. Stop living in the literal sense... for others that will mean that I will stop living as in stop caring, cease to care about living... whether that may mean that I'll be careless in my actions, giving "fate" free will towards my body and soul or whether that may mean that I'll just remain a shell of my former self. (More than likely, the latter.)

"Everybody's just a stranger,

But that's the danger in going my own way..."

Sleep has been hard for me lately. Jennifer's not pleased with my recreational use of drugs, however... even with my recreational use of drugs, I slept a whole thirty minutes or so before jolting wide awake. Usually "fantasies" help to drift me back to sleep, however lately, they're just keeping me up at night. I try to be tender with them, gentle, should-be-happy-thoughts, but my mind has been black lately. One happy thought quickly leads to string of ten "bad" thoughts, my mind forever rolling around in it's own filth.

I wish I knew how to let go. How to breathe without trying... how to just live. How to not focus on these thoughts... They're mostly worries. Worries that... well... worries. Worries keep me up at night. Worries are the demons that hide under my bed, that poke me each time I try and get some peace.

I'm tired.

Picture of the Day:

Look in the mirror.

xoxox

For The Girl

You know, you have the life.

You live the life you like, you have the man you want.

Nothing can stop you. Nothing can break you or bring you down.

You're able to look at things objectively and see the positive in almost everything.

Meanwhile...

Meanwhile I'm dark and twisty. I try to smile, but people take it the wrong way.

Thoughts and people consume me to an unhealthy level.

I adore the feeling of pills and knives, only for the reasons of control.

I can't control anything; I can't control life.

I never thought that I had a problem or issue with control... not until recently, anyway.

I let worry flood my mind, forcing all of the so-called "happiness" out of me.

Pink. Hearts. Happy faces.

Merely a facade to keep everyone from constantly inquiring "what's wrong?"

What's wrong... what's wrong?

If I could only tell you.

The Apple & The Tree

"...you make me feel alone..."

Alright, time to play ketchup! It's been a while... I went down to my Daddy's for Christmas and then of course we had what they will call The Christmas Blizzard of 09 and I got snowed in there for a few extra days. My step mom got snowed into Topeka and Jennifer got snowed into KC, so it was just my Daddy and I for a few days. It was actually really nice. :) We watched a lot of movies together and on Wednesday night we did his weekly bar thing... after which I wrote in my notebook something that I wanted to blog about when I got back.

Let me start with that...

I was thinking about how much we are alike our parents. Sure, we have features resembling them, and of course their morals are instilled in us, but how much do we really take after them?

I look exactly like my father. (They say that babies do that so the father will bond with them.) I wonder what it's like to look at myself through my fathers eyes when I look and act so much like him.

Both of my parents are tall, so it's no surprise that I'm 5'8". My dad was adopted, so I'm unsure of his background, but I'm fairly sure of some German and Native American. My Mama is pure Swedish. My dad has very dark, thick hair that grows quickly and my mama has blonde, thin hair. My mama's eyes are crystal blue and my dad's are hazel.

I turned up with dirty blonde hair, thick, grows very quickly. (About 6" just this last year) and green eyes. (Spent half my life with blue eyes and then sometime around 14 or so they changed to green.)

The purpose of this post came after I was watching TV at my dad's and I turned it off to go to bed. I stood up and I started talking to myself. It's not something I do unless I'm totally alone, I find it quite embarrassing, but I do it; so does my dad.

My father and I are also very reclusive. The same evening he asked me to call Pizza Hut because he hates phones. Little does he know I harbor the same fear.

I have my dad's sense of humor and an eclectic mix for both of their musical tastes. I have my mama's nerves, geekness, and anxiety. I also get my "powers" from my mama... (another subject for another day.) My driving skills definitely come from my father...

I guess this list of comparisons could go on and on. Of course there are some things that I'm original at.

I was BORN with a fashion sense... I have no idea where I got that from. I don't know how I ended up disliking television... both my parents adore it. I could live without it. Although I do like movies. I have an inner compass. I don't know so much about my dad on this one, but my mama gets lost and turned around easily. I love to travel... Definitely don't know where I got that one.

Never once did we go on a family vacation. We never traveled anywhere when I was younger and then somehow I grew up and I started going places. I adore it. I need to travel to be able to breathe. I have no idea how people can just stay put and be okay. There's so much world out there - I am determined to see as much of it as possible.

This has all been more of an open thought than a complete one... it's still processing. Most people can instantly tell you how they are like one parent more than the other... I'm still on the fence I suppose.

Alright... Christmas... let's see... Daddy got me an HD 1080p flatscreen with a DVD player and an iPod dock. :) It's absolutely fabulous. Fan-freaking-tastic. I haven't been over to my Mama's to have Christmas with her yet. I also got the book The Host by Stephenie Meyer from my step mom. :D And some lil things. My step mom gave Jennifer a badass penguin poster from National Geographic!! She adores it. She also got the book "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies." It's this guy who rewrites classics and puts like zombies and vampires into them. BADASS! I can't wait to read it.

Tomorrow is New Years Eve. I definitely have faith that this one will be better than last year. (If you knew what happened last year, you would agree.) Still not as amazing as it had planned out to be -- but plans change, right? I'm sure that Jennifer and I will still have a kick ass time. Tomorrow marks ten years that we will have known each other. Insane.

Pics of the Day:

My Mama and I being cheeseballs.

A telephone booth in a bar in Wamego. :)

The Massive Post

"and when I woke up, you were by my side..."

Two days without sleep. The first night I was just wide awake all night and I didn't even try to sleep. Last night I actually attempted it. Finally this morning I slept for a whole 30 minutes before being awoken violently by my dreams... which I will not share.

Lately it's just been agony to close my eyes. Every time I close my eyes, or turn off my music, turn off a movie -- have just a moment of peace and silence, I find myself traveling down roads I never wanted to venture down again, reliving memories - searching for different endings, horrible endings... my mind is... horrible. I really wish I could take my brain out, rinse it with bleach and stick it back in - start over.

I've always said my memories were my most valuable possession, but I do love sleep. Would it be worth it to lose all my memories if I could rest easily and never have a worry or care in the world? I don't know. I don't know what I would do if I was faced with that opportunity.

I've always had trouble sleeping. I don't know why it's been just so much harder as of late.

I've been watching a lot of movies lately... trying to take my mind off of things. Watched Dread, as I blogged out... watched it again last night with Jennifer and then we watched The Nightmare Before Christmas. :) [[heart]]

Today I'm going to watch Walk The Line and S. Darko. :)

So... I still have yet to send Christmas cards. Bugs me. I feel bad... what's worse is that I don't know if we can even afford to send Christmas cards... terrible, right? I know there's going to be one person in Tennessee who will literally think I hate them and never want to talk to them if they don't get a Christmas card. So I guess I have to find at least enough for one stamp.

No one gets Christmas presents this year. Can't afford them. Was going to get everyone cards... but while I paid $5 for my box of 18 cards, I can't afford the stamps.

I guess that's what we get for moving this close to Christmas.

I would like to lump this all together and say "2009 sucked." But... well... wait... upon further observation... 2009 DID suck. It was a shitty year with a few good moments, but nothing more. I can literally think of 2 good things that happened this year. I met Willow. I met Monkeys. If you would like to add to that list, if you can find something else spectacular that happened, then please, by all means, add to the list.

The year started out horrible. Not even 30 minutes into the New Year and I knew this year was going to be hard. It's times like that that make me have no faith in my own survival. Speaking of which, I only had two suicide attempts this year. That number decreased from 2008.

We moved three times this year. Jennifer broke every single promise she made to me about moving... I won't put her on blast here about that...

Listen, I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer here, I'm just being honest. Honest. This isn't a pity party for one - I'm literally just blogging about my life. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't want that.

Let's see, what plans do I have for 2010? Well, on New Years Eve Jennifer and I will have officially known each other for 10 years. I guess that deserves it's own massive blog, eh? We're going down to the Power and Light District... which... well... err... every time I go down there I end up getting waay too drunk and someone has to carry me home, so either that's what's going to happen or I'll "pace" myself. I assume it's going to be the first one, seeing as how it's a holiday and all.

At midnight they're shooting off a cannon full of $5000. Reckon I'll try and grab $5 so I can buy myself a drink. We'll probably end up partying at The Shark Bar. We LOVED it there on St. Patrick's Day - they only play 90s music. (Or at least, that's what they did for SPD.)

As far as the rest of 2010 goes, my goals are: learn guitar, take more photos, be honest, lose weight (rolls eyes), no suicide attempts, only move once, take better care of Bella, travel more.

Tomorrow my dad is picking me up to drive me back to Wamego so I can have Christmas there. Jennifer is driving down on Christmas to spend some time with us and then to drive me back home with her... I don't think I'll take Bella down there this year. First of all, her nails are facking long and I'll catch flack for that. (Can't find her clippers.) And secondly, I hate hovering over here the whole damn time to make sure she doesn't get into anything. It's different at my own house... so maybe Jennifer can bring her down on Christmas so my step mom can see her. (If I clip her nails and give her a bath before then.)

I'm nervous for Christmas.

I always feel terrible showing up anywhere empty handed, let alone on Christmas. I burned my parents some CDs...? I don't think that counts as a "gift".

Tell me something, does life ever get easier? No? Didn't expect it to, was just wondering. (I guess it's my own fault and I could make it "easier" if I wanted to. Financially speaking, of course... but it's all more money, more problems. I would rather be poor and happy than "comfortable" and miserable...)

Pic of the Day:

Happy 25th Birthday, Jay! :)

I'm so proud you celebrated it the right way by taking it to Vegas!

Shooting The Moon

"All of the astronauts,

Champagne in plastic cups,

Waiting for the big hero to show,

Outside the door he stands

His head in his hands

And his heart in his throat,

What can he tell em now?

Sorry I let you down,

Sorry it wasn't quite true,

But don't get hung up on it,

Just soldier on with it and

Good luck with shooting the moon..."

Lately I've felt like I'm constantly on the brink of something... like I'm peeling back the layers and I'm almost to the juicy center. However the ways it's been going, the center it rotten. I'm just going to keep peeling until I get to a center that's ripe and ready.

If I could start over tomorrow, would I? And if I did, is there anything that I would change? Would I still hurt the people I have hurt? Love the people I have loved? And continue to make the same bad decisions? Would I still face the same addictions? Cut in the same places? Cry at the same times?

I know that I can't start over... but there's always the hope that I can and that I'm just brave enough to not push restart.

Brave. Bravery... That's something that I've never been called before. I wouldn't consider myself a coward, but am I brave? Not particularly.

So what am I? Where am I headed? Will I know that I'm there when I get there? I wonder.

Lately I've wondered why I am still alive. Why I am really here on this planet. "They" say that we all have a purpose, but what if I don't have a purpose? What if my one purpose is to not have a purpose? I guess I can't even say that because I have affected people's lives. Probably not many for the better and much more for the worse - but I still have impacted them.

I came into this world wrecking lives and I reckon that wouldn't be the worst way to go out. 'I'll gladly go down in a flame, if a flame's what it takes to remember my name.' - That line always gives me goosebumps and brings tears to the back of my eyes because it's how I've always felt.

I really have been trying to be a better person. That wasn't bullshit. Since the day that we got back from Vegas we've both been trying to be better people. I know that we've hurt you. I can generalize that because we've hurt a lot of people - but do you know how many people have hurt us? Not that that is an excuse... it's just so much easier to love each other, to stick together when we understand each other so clearly. We can have an entire conversation and end in understanding without saying a single word to each other. It's hard to believe that anyone will ever be there for me like she is. We just have an understanding. I know that this bond frustrates some most people, but I feel blessed to have a someone.

Some people have their families and though we have come from two different backgrounds, we don't really have families... for separate reasons, of course... but it's still amazing that we have each other. Without her I don't think I wo... wait... no... I know that without her I wouldn't be here.

There have been many, many times that she's talked me off the ledge. There have also been the same amount of times that she's put me on said ledge. She's pried the knife from my hands, taken the pills from my mouth, taken the bottle from my hands and literally saved my life...

I've picked up her broken pieces. Wiped the tears from her eyes. Told her that everything was going to be alright, and if it wasn't alright that I would make it alright... yet... every single person around us can't see that we can't live without each other. She's my sister.

My Mama hates her. Her father hates me. My dad is ambivalent, I'm sure. Her mom puts in some effort. My step mom thinks she's the daughter she never had... all my friends hate her. All her friends love me.

Why do people keep saying that we're bad for each other? Why did this blog turn into a story about Jennifer?

Her dad says that her life will continue to be shit until she gets away from "that girl" and that I'm the reason that she's the horrible, nasty person she is today. My Mama... well...

This December she will have been in my life for 10 years. Let me tell you something, people... she's not going anywhere. She's the one person who has remained constant. She's the only person I've been honest with. She's the first person I let in... no, she won't be the last...

The more these people push me... us... the more they think they'll tear us apart. The thing is... that's the farther and faster that we'll pull away and push you out of our life.

I don't only want her. I don't only need her. But when it comes down to it, you know that's who I'll choose if you make me.

End Up Where I Started

"I lied and told her I loved her, she didn't care, but anyway..."

Sorry I've been MIA - I was doing so good for a while there! Crap.

The past week has been hella. Just hella. Not hella anything, just hella.

Thursday I got my industrial piercing... tis badass and I love it.

The other day I had to go back and get a longer post put in because [almost] every piercing I've ever had (save for ear lobes, tragus and my nose) has swollen tremendously.

When I had my navel pierced it actually bruised the skin around my belly button. It was nasty. That was my first major piercing and I thought it was infected or something... Nope just swollen. My lip swelled as well, not bad enough to bruise, but bad enough to effing hurt like a mothertrucker and not want to eat or drink anything. The ear? It was weird to see it swollen. It was very red and very tender and when she changed the post it hurt worse than when I actually got it pierced. Insane.

The actual piercing was quite an experience. She marked my ear and all that and I had never had a cartilage piercing before, but I expected it to fucking hurt, you know? She did the top one (closest to my head) first... I guess my ear was kinda tough and she couldn't get it through, but even with a bunch of pressure on it from the needle it didn't hurt that bad...

But it did make me more nervous for the second piercing.

I had read that with the industrial piercing (which is one of the most complicated piercings... loads of people had problems and issues with them and they take twice as long to heal...) that after the first piercing all the blood rushes to your ear so the second one hurts more than the first. I didn't find that to be the case whatsoever. The blood did rush to my ear; I actually bled a lot with the piercing, (my tragus was messy too.) but it was worth it. (You can see blood in my hair in the above pic. That was taken right after I got it done, so yep, it's red.)

I think in about a year or so I would like to have an industrial in my other ear. I still want my tragus pierced on my left side as well... then I'm done with piercings. (I think.)

Today I got my tickets to the Twilight Convention. I hate the fact that the tickets had already been sent out when I found out that Jackson canceled. It hurts me to hold them in my hand. Burns.

9 days until Vegas. I was a little shocked when I woke up this morning, turned on my computer and saw that we were down to the single digits! Pretty crazy. I can't wait to take hella photos in Vegas. HELLA.