I Knew I Forgot Something...

"You hold your head up to the sky you say 'what kind of blue are you?'

Then you ride a pony 'round and 'round it's digging a hole right through, 

You stumble down the Yellow Brick Road spinning your shoes in the air, 

Then you hold your breath and count to nine, 

Hoping that soon somebody will find you..." 

Yesterday I didn't touch my computer at all... so, it's not a surprise that I forgot to blog. Hopefully I can "make up" for that today by blogging something seriousfull.

Of course I had to decide to do this whole blog-everyday-thing now... when I'm wanting nothing more than to hide my head in sand.

I have appreciated the emails of confidence and help plus the lovely texts from all you beautiful people. Perhaps it's best that I force myself to do this so that I don't completely fade away.

Yesterday I went to the mall for 7 hours while Jennifer was at work. I listened to my iPod until it died, just watching the people pass by. Strangest thing - people are lovely when you don't have to hear them and you aren't in a rush to get anywhere specific... it's nice to have your own soundtrack to their fuckery.

The first place that I went was to the Borders book store in the mall. I had planned on stopping for coffee at Starbucks beforehand, but I'm glad that I waited because it turns out they had a Seattle's Best in the Borders! I got a coffee and told the barista boy that I was surprised to see one this far South... then of course, I've just moved to Houston. He said there were four or five in the area and one in every Borders... oh well... I'm clearly a regular at Starbucks and Barnes and Noble.

The first time that I had Seattle's Best was in the Denver airport on the way to Seattle, actually. Last June... unfortunately my iced coffee had grounds in the bottom of the cup and I ranted to Twitter that if you're going to call yourself "Seattle's BEST" that you maybe should keep up with that trend...

That would be a hard thing to do... while I can understand wanting to name your coffee "Seattle's Best", you'd think that it would be a reflection of your product -- which, I'm sure it is... but for me being a first time drinker at that time and to find grounds in my coffee - it didn't set the impression bar very high.

I'm kind of a coffee snob. Yep, I'll admit it.

But... yesterday's coffee was in fact Seattle's "best". I quite enjoyed it. The cute barista boy brewed it fresh for me. :) It's impressive what a little niceness and a smile will get you. (I wasn't even wearing makeup!)

I wandered around Border's and was in search of a photography or a psychology book... instead I found neither; I found Cobain Unseen - a book with insight into Kurt Cobain's belongings. Obviously I bought it.

I bought Kurt Cobain's journals book back in 2002 when it was released... unfortunately I'm not sure where that book is now... I suppose it's either lost or back in Kansas City. I will re-buy it if it's lost... that's a book that I miss.

This book talks about Kurt's connection to his material things... it has exclusive photos from the Kurt Cobain Estate -- (all of his possessions are in a high security locker in Olympia, WA now...) It was really quite fascinating. I learned a lot about him that I didn't know yet. Of course, I'll be honest... I never really studied Kurt - he fascinated me just the way he was and I never felt the urge to really search him further. I sort of took him as he was and kept it at that. So, it was nice to learn about him, parts of his childhood, his psyche, his multiple attempts at suicide and how he always knew his fate.

He didn't seem like a person who had a low and decided to take his life. To me, he reminds me of the center person that they followed in the documentary The Bridge (documentary about people who take their lives by jumping from the Golden Gate -- it's on Hulu.com for free, please go watch it) -- the guy they follow through the entire film and keep going back to was chronically depressed and always knew he wasn't going to "make it" long in life. He always referenced suicide and said that's how he would die. His family had even come to terms with it... Hearing more about Kurt really reminded me of this...

Also I learned that just a few months before Kurt's death that while in Rome with Nirvana he took 20 Rohypnol pills and washed them down with a bottle of champagne; citing Shakespeare in his suicide note. 2 things -- why Rohypnol?!! And if you're a druggie who has been contemplating suicide your entire life, you should have "known better" than to use Rohypnol. Though it seems like it was a legit attempt at suicide, at the same time, I can't imagine that he was serious...

Then again... I don't know Kurt.

Moving on... (otherwise I'll talk about this book and the ins and outs of it forever...)

Something strange about yesterday's events was that while I was waiting for Jennifer to get her lunch break I was sitting at a table reading my new book, listening to my headphones with three beverages in front of me... random people kept sitting in the chair across from me.

Now, I've said before and I'll continue to say many, many times here-over, I AM ALL ABOUT MANNERS! Perhaps in those manners would be "do not sit with strangers". An amendment to that would be to at least ASK the stranger before plopping down in front of them.

It's no secret that I've been depressed the past few days and by wanting to go out to the mall and be *near* people - that was my way of not... shall we say... going off the deep end. But, that doesn't mean that I wish to sit with people!

For those who don't know me, you should be made aware that I basically keep to myself. My phone doesn't go off much - it never rings - and I'm not the person who stands behind you in the line at Target and makes conversation. While I am very friendly, I don't go out of my way to be social. If you ask those who I am close with - they will tell you that I am pretty quiet. (Other than my loud music... but hey, that drowns out people talking.)

Unfortunately, I feel like my online persona is much more interesting than I really am in real life. Yes, when I'm with the boys I talk and engage... but that's probably a different thing for a different day... they're a rare exception to most rules, I've found.

Regardless, I found it to be quite rude that these strangers sat with me. More than one person on more than one occasion! I ended up pulling the chairs in very close to me and sticking my feet on them. No, you may not sit here.

As I said in a blog entry, probably dated back in September... my manners are almost to a fault at times. There are times when I shouldn't be so capped by them... but I find it best to have too-good of manners than too few.

At least I know that's something that my children will have -- good manners. Unruly children are absolutely frightening. Don't you know that your children are a reflection of you?

...I suppose I should stop there...

Plans for this week:

Get over it.
Move on.
Start diet.
Find other meanings to life.
Contemplate new hair colors.
Remember to blog.

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