It's no secret that I have more emotions than I know what to do with. Also, that I have battled depression, anxiety and eating disorders since I was what they call these days a "tween"... but when people ridicule me or coddle me for those things that I cannot control, it doesn't help them.
I've mentioned on this blog before - and I shall mention it again here - just because I'm perhaps having a low part of the day does not mean that something is "wrong". I understand that's an easy question to ask people... and I guess I should stop bitching that anyone ever asks me it, because let's face it, if people were to stop asking me it I would complain and say that no one cares...
At the same time when people coddle me and hold my feelings in a porcelain cup - there's no way that that is going to end well. A friend recently asked me, "how are you?" I said, "I'm good, how are you?" He replied, "Really?" ... I waited... He said, "I've heard some things..."
Oh. Well... let me tell you - I am not going to go "off" myself. Please don't tip toe around me because I'm at my low point of the day lately more often than I'm at the high point of the day. While I do claim to be an alright actress, I am just not the type of person that will willfully hold in their feelings and emotions. I feel that if I'm sad; I should be sad. If I'm happy; I will be happy. The end.
I know that depression makes people uneasy when they don't know what to do with it... but let me assure you that even though I still battle depression (unmedicated - by prescription and by self - I am completely sober now, by choice for the time being) I am still much happier than I have been in years past when you didn't know me.
I do have reason and meaning to my life and I do more often than not feel fulfilled. That's a big deal. I feel loved and accepted and I feel important to those close to me who matter... hell, I even feel important to some of the strangers and "fans". This is absolutely incredible.
Yes, I have attempted suicide before... however lightly and calling for attention or however dramatically and seriously... but I can tell you that is nothing further from my mind.
Even if it all were to stop tomorrow - if I never took another shot, if I never shot another show, if I never spent any more time with those boys - I know that suicide would not be my answer.
...This blog was actually not spurred by anything. Just some feelings that I had that I wanted to get out and share with... well... everyone.
I love each and every single one of you. No matter how insignificant you may feel you are in my life - you make a difference in it. Even if you hate, loathe and detest me - I still love you. You are an important part of me and this journey.
xojo
5 comments:
LOVed this blog !! well as i do love all ur blogs ! thay make be feel normale !~LOL
wow. i didn't know any of this. is it weird that i now feel closer to you. i have known you for such a short time and i really wish to continue to know you for the rest of my life. you have been so wonderful and open in a world where i have dealt with so much fake and hateful people. as corny as this sounds, "thank you for being a friend." wait that's a theme song, i'm sure of it. i digress. love ya! --thania xoxo
Sometimes when something is "wrong"...it just means that something is just "not right". That doesn't necessarily make it tragically wrong, it just makes it not right at that moment.
Going through a moment of "things are just not right", seems so much like less of a hurdle than wrong times!
That sounds like a riddle. I'll shut up now because it's starting to sound not right!!!! ;)
-CassLynn
Love ya Spitch :)
xoxoxoxo
It would be a very sad and incomplete world indeed without Jodie in it. I am glad you want to stick around
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