This day wasn't supposed to start out badly. It just sort of developed that way. It's not even noon and I already know that this day is a scratch.
Unfortunately I committed to making this blog entry every day of April... I shouldn't have done that.
Phone is off and I've closed Facebook down to just the minimum. Anything else goes astray and Facebook is gone. The one thing that kept me on Facebook for the longest time was the fact that my photography page is linked to it and there's nearly 800 people attached to that. It would be irresponsible and wasteful for me to give that up... but at this point, I'm not ruling anything out.
There's so much that I realize and that I'm aware of and people just don't SEE that. The fact that I see it when I'm in it -- shouldn't that make it that much more impressive? But no... nothing can impress you. I do try.
It's exhausting to be what everyone wants me to be all the time... to not have a place to hide... And for those who say "just be yourself"... trust me... you don't want to see that. So I portray the image of myself that you expect or what you think I am. It's not a lie -- it is ME... it's just a very diluted version, I'd say. I suppose we all do it to one extent or another.
It's times like these that I fight it and try to go against the grain... "what's in it for me?" "why am I here?" "what's the point of it all?" "I give up."
It doesn't really matter anyhow. This is one big game and one giant charade.
The ones listening are just waiting for the sound of my fall.
Goodnight.
4 comments:
You know, i might not say the right things all the time, or know what to say, but i do know one thing though. I know you Jodie. I know the ups and downs and i know how you think, how you feel.
I won't blab on about 'be yourself' blah blah blah, i know you dont want to hear that. The only people that matter are the ones you love. If others can't accept you for your actual self, then screw them, im pleased that i know who you are, and for that i love. To me you'll always be the sister i should have had.. can you remember me saying that? :)
So, chin up lil sis, the world is a big place, with many many people willing to accept you for who you really are.
Life is what YOU make it. So go out and make it yours. and sod the rest.
GB xx
Oh i forgot to add.. u fall, i'll pick you up, always.
While I can't claim to truly know you. I can only go by what I've seen and gathered from our texts and fb and twitter banter and whatnot, and I've always been a pretty good at reading between the lines. But that's besides the point here...
I dunno how or why, and frankly it doesn't even really matter anymore, but somehow you managed to win over and gain a friend out of me... allllll the way the fuck in california, over the internet. I don't think that's something to take lightly.
So as a result, I'm genuinely concerned, cause I care if you're feeling alright, or if you're feeling down.
So since I don't really know what to say, all I'm doing is putting it out and on record that I care.... people care.
You wanna know how I found you to begin with?
I didn't know about what you did for a living, or anything like that, I didn't find you through something related to what you do.
It was pure happenstance... or was it?
One day I was bored and decided to look through the realtime tweets coming into all of twitter.. you better believe that thing scrolling fast as fuck.
I pressed the pause button soon as I saw one that caught my eye, it was by one, @hello_jodie.
I don't remember what the tweet was, but I liked it, I opened the profile, and I saw the bio; "This Twitter is about absolutely nothing..." "random ramblings..... music, travel..." *follows* Perfect, I thought.
The rest is history.
For what it's worth, I'm here for you however I can be, all the fucking way from California.
<3
-iBFF
If you fall I come equipped with a first aid kit and capabilities...both the metaphorical/figurative and literal. Just so ya know :)
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