Shooting The Moon

"All of the astronauts,

Champagne in plastic cups,

Waiting for the big hero to show,

Outside the door he stands

His head in his hands

And his heart in his throat,

What can he tell em now?

Sorry I let you down,

Sorry it wasn't quite true,

But don't get hung up on it,

Just soldier on with it and

Good luck with shooting the moon..."

Lately I've felt like I'm constantly on the brink of something... like I'm peeling back the layers and I'm almost to the juicy center. However the ways it's been going, the center it rotten. I'm just going to keep peeling until I get to a center that's ripe and ready.

If I could start over tomorrow, would I? And if I did, is there anything that I would change? Would I still hurt the people I have hurt? Love the people I have loved? And continue to make the same bad decisions? Would I still face the same addictions? Cut in the same places? Cry at the same times?

I know that I can't start over... but there's always the hope that I can and that I'm just brave enough to not push restart.

Brave. Bravery... That's something that I've never been called before. I wouldn't consider myself a coward, but am I brave? Not particularly.

So what am I? Where am I headed? Will I know that I'm there when I get there? I wonder.

Lately I've wondered why I am still alive. Why I am really here on this planet. "They" say that we all have a purpose, but what if I don't have a purpose? What if my one purpose is to not have a purpose? I guess I can't even say that because I have affected people's lives. Probably not many for the better and much more for the worse - but I still have impacted them.

I came into this world wrecking lives and I reckon that wouldn't be the worst way to go out. 'I'll gladly go down in a flame, if a flame's what it takes to remember my name.' - That line always gives me goosebumps and brings tears to the back of my eyes because it's how I've always felt.

I really have been trying to be a better person. That wasn't bullshit. Since the day that we got back from Vegas we've both been trying to be better people. I know that we've hurt you. I can generalize that because we've hurt a lot of people - but do you know how many people have hurt us? Not that that is an excuse... it's just so much easier to love each other, to stick together when we understand each other so clearly. We can have an entire conversation and end in understanding without saying a single word to each other. It's hard to believe that anyone will ever be there for me like she is. We just have an understanding. I know that this bond frustrates some most people, but I feel blessed to have a someone.

Some people have their families and though we have come from two different backgrounds, we don't really have families... for separate reasons, of course... but it's still amazing that we have each other. Without her I don't think I wo... wait... no... I know that without her I wouldn't be here.

There have been many, many times that she's talked me off the ledge. There have also been the same amount of times that she's put me on said ledge. She's pried the knife from my hands, taken the pills from my mouth, taken the bottle from my hands and literally saved my life...

I've picked up her broken pieces. Wiped the tears from her eyes. Told her that everything was going to be alright, and if it wasn't alright that I would make it alright... yet... every single person around us can't see that we can't live without each other. She's my sister.

My Mama hates her. Her father hates me. My dad is ambivalent, I'm sure. Her mom puts in some effort. My step mom thinks she's the daughter she never had... all my friends hate her. All her friends love me.

Why do people keep saying that we're bad for each other? Why did this blog turn into a story about Jennifer?

Her dad says that her life will continue to be shit until she gets away from "that girl" and that I'm the reason that she's the horrible, nasty person she is today. My Mama... well...

This December she will have been in my life for 10 years. Let me tell you something, people... she's not going anywhere. She's the one person who has remained constant. She's the only person I've been honest with. She's the first person I let in... no, she won't be the last...

The more these people push me... us... the more they think they'll tear us apart. The thing is... that's the farther and faster that we'll pull away and push you out of our life.

I don't only want her. I don't only need her. But when it comes down to it, you know that's who I'll choose if you make me.