My candle burns at both ends
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light.
Heath Ledger April 4, 1979 - January 22, 2008
I wasn't planning on blogging today... or talking today, for that matter... but I couldn't do that to Heath. I didn't want anyone to think that I forgot about him. Even with my life circling in a thousand different directions, my heart, my mind and my body being pulled in so many different directions - I still think of Heath. I didn't forget him.
[[my Heath Ledger post from last year... tons of pictures.]]
"I know it was me who called it over,
but I still wish you'd fought me till your dying day,
Cuz I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me,
so I can say this is the way I used to be..."
There's been so many things going on in my mind this week that I can't even begin to set them straight. This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life emotionally. I've been so many things to so many people, yet not once this week do I think I've been myself -- to myself.
I've had a week of breakdowns.
You know... I almost apologized right there for being a little "emo", but you know what? You came to my blog... you came here for whatever reason -- to keep tabs on me, perhaps you actually enjoy reading what I write, or maybe you're just bored... who knows... but you came here. There is no disclaimer and I make no apologies. I am the way that I am... or I am not. I am not sure.
Earlier this week during one of my breakdowns I took a stack of Post Its and a Sharpie and made notes to myself. I then posted them all over a picture frame, so many orange sticky papers covered it that you could no longer see the photo and they all were overlapping.
I'd like to share those Post Its with you now.
-Believe in something real.
-Don't lie to yourself.
-hate yourself before they can.
-He won't love you.
-RUN.
-make your autopsy interesting.
-Never be alone with your own thoughts.
-No more emotions.
-Save your heart. Now.
-LET GO.
-Stop breathing. It doesn't help.
-Love is painful.
-Stop loving.
-Talk yourself out of it.
-control more.
That's all of them except for one... One that in the light of day I don't agree with, so I'm not going to post what it said.
You know what I don't understand? Why I am so fucking honest here. Like, I didn't have to tell you that I was hiding a Post It from you... I could have told you that was all of them, and unless you were here to look through the Post It stack, you would never know the difference... but instead of lying, I told the truth.
Weird.
I often find myself wondering if things matter... if I matter... If I was to disappear tomorrow, would people ever notice or care? And then as I was wondering this someone Follow Friday'd me on Twitter. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous... but it was someone who I had never gotten a Follow Friday from before and I realized that just with one song, I had touched this persons life -- just a tiny bit, but enough for her to think of me... just a bit. It made me smile on the inside.
I know that there's a handful of people who would be "sad" if something happened to me... I also know that I didn't make that big of an impact to where anyone would be changed forever if I stopped living.
I've got friends that I live in the same city with that I can't keep plans with... I see my Twitter friends and my favorite bands more than I see these people that live in the same city/state as I do. I know a lot of that is my own damn fault.
A Post It that should have been: Everything is your fault.
I'm tired.
Drained... completely. I'm too tired to search, to press on... to find the next big thing in my life. I'm tired.
There's so much that I want in this life and I let so much ride along with it. To quote Van Wilder: "You can't treat every situation as a life or death matter, cuz you'll die a lot of times."
You know, that movie had a lot of amazing quotes. That one is particularly true of me. I know that everything is very dramatic in the life of Jodie - I know that I treat so much like life and death. Just last night I was having one of those moments...
Perhaps it's better that the music career didn't work out for me - I really can't stand the thought of people hating me. When someone says something to me just a little curt I immediately think of how they're ruining my life when I'm not there -- how I hate the fact that they "hate" me. Meanwhile, I think I think people think much more of me than they really do. While it all lingers with me - I'm sure I've left their minds just as quickly as I came.
I don't know what I want to do. I know that there are a few things in this life that I will literally die without. All of which, I cannot name here. They're not hard to figure out, if you know me...
While the definition of "die" changes. When I say that I will "literally die" without these things. I do mean "cease to live". You may take that in any way that you desire. For some that will mean that I will stop breathing in the literal sense. Stop living in the literal sense... for others that will mean that I will stop living as in stop caring, cease to care about living... whether that may mean that I'll be careless in my actions, giving "fate" free will towards my body and soul or whether that may mean that I'll just remain a shell of my former self. (More than likely, the latter.)
"Everybody's just a stranger,
But that's the danger in going my own way..."
Sleep has been hard for me lately. Jennifer's not pleased with my recreational use of drugs, however... even with my recreational use of drugs, I slept a whole thirty minutes or so before jolting wide awake. Usually "fantasies" help to drift me back to sleep, however lately, they're just keeping me up at night. I try to be tender with them, gentle, should-be-happy-thoughts, but my mind has been black lately. One happy thought quickly leads to string of ten "bad" thoughts, my mind forever rolling around in it's own filth.
I wish I knew how to let go. How to breathe without trying... how to just live. How to not focus on these thoughts... They're mostly worries. Worries that... well... worries. Worries keep me up at night. Worries are the demons that hide under my bed, that poke me each time I try and get some peace.
I'm tired.
Picture of the Day:
Look in the mirror.
xoxox
1 comment:
So many things to say, yet none that would embrace or capture the true essence of how much gravity my words should, and do hold for me, for you in this instance.
I'll save you the "I understands" because I do know how well it can piss someone off. It pisses me off and annoys me all to hell more often than not.
I do "get" the ceasing to live thing, becasue even though I may not know all of you...I know enough to realize just how serious you are.
Things may be "dramatic" in the life of Jodie, but it is because you are such an intensely emotional person, it's rare.
So many people walk through life apathetic, indifferent, and with rose colored glasses.
You dwell in darkened places some try to force their way around, even if it means walking five extra miles.
You know that life isn't all sunshine, rainbows and butterflies...often your psyche points it out to you during your fantasies, which leads you down the worst case scenario path.
I won't pump sunshine or bullshit. I know how poisonous that is.
You don't want to talk today, you don't have to (of course) but just know that I'm here, you aren't fading, haven't disappeared, and that if you died on any level, if you ceased to exist, that I wouldn't merely just be sad.
Your life is tied to mine now, and you would take me with you.
Take that how you will. It isn't about guilting you, it's about reinforcing that you have made a difference in my life, so much so that the sun wouldn't simply rise for me the next day if you were to no longer exist.
I am here, I will respect your silence, I will leave you alone, but you know that I will always only be a text/phone call away.
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