The Massive Post

"and when I woke up, you were by my side..."

Two days without sleep. The first night I was just wide awake all night and I didn't even try to sleep. Last night I actually attempted it. Finally this morning I slept for a whole 30 minutes before being awoken violently by my dreams... which I will not share.

Lately it's just been agony to close my eyes. Every time I close my eyes, or turn off my music, turn off a movie -- have just a moment of peace and silence, I find myself traveling down roads I never wanted to venture down again, reliving memories - searching for different endings, horrible endings... my mind is... horrible. I really wish I could take my brain out, rinse it with bleach and stick it back in - start over.

I've always said my memories were my most valuable possession, but I do love sleep. Would it be worth it to lose all my memories if I could rest easily and never have a worry or care in the world? I don't know. I don't know what I would do if I was faced with that opportunity.

I've always had trouble sleeping. I don't know why it's been just so much harder as of late.

I've been watching a lot of movies lately... trying to take my mind off of things. Watched Dread, as I blogged out... watched it again last night with Jennifer and then we watched The Nightmare Before Christmas. :) [[heart]]

Today I'm going to watch Walk The Line and S. Darko. :)

So... I still have yet to send Christmas cards. Bugs me. I feel bad... what's worse is that I don't know if we can even afford to send Christmas cards... terrible, right? I know there's going to be one person in Tennessee who will literally think I hate them and never want to talk to them if they don't get a Christmas card. So I guess I have to find at least enough for one stamp.

No one gets Christmas presents this year. Can't afford them. Was going to get everyone cards... but while I paid $5 for my box of 18 cards, I can't afford the stamps.

I guess that's what we get for moving this close to Christmas.

I would like to lump this all together and say "2009 sucked." But... well... wait... upon further observation... 2009 DID suck. It was a shitty year with a few good moments, but nothing more. I can literally think of 2 good things that happened this year. I met Willow. I met Monkeys. If you would like to add to that list, if you can find something else spectacular that happened, then please, by all means, add to the list.

The year started out horrible. Not even 30 minutes into the New Year and I knew this year was going to be hard. It's times like that that make me have no faith in my own survival. Speaking of which, I only had two suicide attempts this year. That number decreased from 2008.

We moved three times this year. Jennifer broke every single promise she made to me about moving... I won't put her on blast here about that...

Listen, I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer here, I'm just being honest. Honest. This isn't a pity party for one - I'm literally just blogging about my life. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't want that.

Let's see, what plans do I have for 2010? Well, on New Years Eve Jennifer and I will have officially known each other for 10 years. I guess that deserves it's own massive blog, eh? We're going down to the Power and Light District... which... well... err... every time I go down there I end up getting waay too drunk and someone has to carry me home, so either that's what's going to happen or I'll "pace" myself. I assume it's going to be the first one, seeing as how it's a holiday and all.

At midnight they're shooting off a cannon full of $5000. Reckon I'll try and grab $5 so I can buy myself a drink. We'll probably end up partying at The Shark Bar. We LOVED it there on St. Patrick's Day - they only play 90s music. (Or at least, that's what they did for SPD.)

As far as the rest of 2010 goes, my goals are: learn guitar, take more photos, be honest, lose weight (rolls eyes), no suicide attempts, only move once, take better care of Bella, travel more.

Tomorrow my dad is picking me up to drive me back to Wamego so I can have Christmas there. Jennifer is driving down on Christmas to spend some time with us and then to drive me back home with her... I don't think I'll take Bella down there this year. First of all, her nails are facking long and I'll catch flack for that. (Can't find her clippers.) And secondly, I hate hovering over here the whole damn time to make sure she doesn't get into anything. It's different at my own house... so maybe Jennifer can bring her down on Christmas so my step mom can see her. (If I clip her nails and give her a bath before then.)

I'm nervous for Christmas.

I always feel terrible showing up anywhere empty handed, let alone on Christmas. I burned my parents some CDs...? I don't think that counts as a "gift".

Tell me something, does life ever get easier? No? Didn't expect it to, was just wondering. (I guess it's my own fault and I could make it "easier" if I wanted to. Financially speaking, of course... but it's all more money, more problems. I would rather be poor and happy than "comfortable" and miserable...)

Pic of the Day:

Happy 25th Birthday, Jay! :)

I'm so proud you celebrated it the right way by taking it to Vegas!