It's no secret that my weight has been a constant issue with me for almost as long as I can remember. I was a thin child (in hindsight), but I was made fun of for being "fat", probably because I was taller than the rest of the children in my class.
I participated in sports (gymnastics, swimming competitions, roller skating, biking, running) and I was constantly outside every day growing up. Yet, I was called "fat" by my peers. I had issues with food starting at a young age, as well. (To which, I cannot discuss my childhood food issues in a public venue such as this, but I will discuss my latter issues.)
If you call someone 'stupid' long enough, they will believe it. I became fat because I believed I already was. Children are hateful and cruel.
I've blocked out a good portion of my life, but I can recall the first time that I ever starved myself.
I was 13 and now living in Kansas City with my mother. I had just been clinically diagnosed with ADHD and depression and I was the biggest girl in my dance class. I don't remember how, but from 5th grade in the small town of Wamego, Kansas to 6th grade in the big city of Kansas City - I gained weight. I don't know how much weight, I don't even properly recall sizes, but I got big. (I was a size 13 in 6th grade, that much I do recall - but I don't know what I was in 5th grade.)
I put Post-It notes on all the food that I wanted to eat to remind myself not to eat it. My mother told me that starving myself wouldn't make me lose weight and that I needed to eat healthy foods.
I also recall that one time I was riding my bike around the lake where I lived when a boy shouted out, "exercise won't help!" ...I told my mother of this and she gently corrected me, "exercise WILL help."
Irony is something that I've always been a fan of. I get tickled when it happens to me in every day life... though, it's not as funny, though still ironic that at 13 years old and a size 13 I was trying to lose weight because I was perceived to be "heavy". Now, here I am 26 years old and I would chop off my left leg if I thought it would help me fit into a size 13.
Ironic.
It's funny how you never see something clearly until you look back at it from a distance.
This photo was taken freshman year of high school (1999) in October right before the homecoming dance. I was so self conscious. Here I thought I would look like a cow compared to my beautiful friend sitting next to me, and in hindsight I realize that I was, in fact, smaller than her. This was a size 12 and I was 5'5. I weighed just under 200lbs.
Just a few months later I met who would be my best friend in the entire world, Jennifer.
This photo was taken February 1, 2000 -- just 5 months after the previous photo. Still 5'5, I now weighed exactly 200lbs and I was about a size 14.
When friends would ask me how much I weighed I would lie and tell them 160. They believed me.
November 24, 2000. 5'6. Weight aprox 210. Size 15. (Yes, those are pleather pants. This was also the first trip that started my love and need for travel; Las Vegas.)
Late July 2002. Age 17. 5'7. Weight 220lbs. Size 20.
2002 is when it all started to get very serious. I went through many life changing events that year. I became very depressed. I started to self-harm. I fought with myself constantly. Binging. Binging. Fasting. Binging. Purging. Fasting. This was the year that the self-destruction began.
2003 was the first year that I lived alone... I was 18 and partying every night of the week. When I look back at that year, I'm honestly surprised that I made it out alive.
2004 is when the self-harming and under-eating were at their peak. I was working for Kansas City's biggest radio station and most popular jock - I was under constant pressure and I was unraveling.
There are not many photos from 2003-2006. It was a very, very dark time for me. I hit my highest weight of 310 in 2005. I was the epitome of spiraling out of control... no one could save me, or even wanted to. I don't think anyone truly knew that there was a problem... and if they did... they didn't want to help.
6 months vegetarian/under-eating regularly with frequent binges. Self-harming under pressure. Self-medicating. May 21, 2007. Weight 290. Size 24.
2007 was hell. I was flown out to Los Angeles to record my first "pop" album from the record label in Kansas City that I was signed to. The short story: the producer was a fucked up individual. I ended up with nothing to show from the trip but a scar on my arm to remind me never to trust again. And also, to never sign to another record label.
October, 2008. Height 5'8, 285lbs, size 22.
My life started to turn around for the better in fall of 2008. Though I was nowhere near my goal weight, I finally got the binging and purging under control, the self-medicating and the self-harming was down to a minimum and I was just really getting into my photography.
The next couple years I went through a bit of a coma. I didn't really binge or purge... I didn't really fast or count calories... I just sort of maintained sub consciously. I was too busy thinking about other things (photography, 100 Monkeys, travel, etc) to really put hardcore effort into losing weight. Sure, it's something that is on my mind each day of my life, but I didn't not lose or gain a substantial amount from 2008-2010 to really make note of it.
Early January 2011, 5'8, 265lbs, size 20.
This photo was taken the last day of the winter tour with 100 Monkeys. 8 shows in 8 days and I lost 15lbs.
I'm now into my weight loss and I've lost a total thus far of 19lbs since leaving Las Vegas on September 2nd. I'm attempting to document the process (which shouldn't be hard since I'm a photographer... hah), and I'll be happy to share the photos once I pass that phase of it and move onto the next.
I have a weight loss goal set for myself to meet each week - thus far I am TWO full pounds ahead of schedule as today was my first "weigh in". :)
I only hope that I can keep this up and meet my ultimate goal weight. (Do not ask - I will not share as of right now.)
I am not ashamed of my weight or sharing these bits of information with you. I am ashamed of how I perceive my body and I am ashamed of how it makes me feel about myself. I am ashamed that I was a child model and that I let myself get to this point. I am ashamed that I had no self control.
I know that each girl (and more guys than will admit) have problems with their weight. Some people handle it the healthy way by cutting out 500 calories and walking a mile each night. Some people handle it by what the disorders in their head tell them to do. We cannot change each other or the way that others think. We cannot change what others think of us and the way that we choose to do things. We can, however, change how others see us.
If you're happy with yourself and your weight just the way you are - then own it and be proud of it, baby! If you want to lose 5lbs or even 100... it all starts with a single step and knowing that you're not alone...
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today...
What's your weight story?
7 comments:
Congratulations on your progress and your determination to reach the goals you have set but not yet met.
The majority of my family has obesity problems and it is something that I have feared and fought for the majority of my existence. I thought I was fat when I was young and it always messed with my confidence. Even when I was healthy, I saw the dreaded fat. When I reached adulthood, I really GREW. Motherhood, and more growth. But it was motherhood that changed my attitude- I grew up watching my mom criticize herself (luckily never me) and follow diet fad after diet fad. My mom wasn't really fat either now that I recognize what is healthy, she was just fighting the same demons as I do. I didn't want my son to grow up watching me do this to myself and then my daughter was born and I knew she really didn't need the demons either.
I am still far from healthy, still considered obese (5'10', 218, size 16) but I don't let the demons have a voice. I try to loose weight because I feel better when I do. I try not to beat myself up when it doesn't work.
My biggest change in the way I see myself: when I look in the mirror, I try to focus on the good, the beautiful. I refuse to give voice to the negative. It has helped me, you should give it a try. You are definitely beautiful too!
Jodie, I just want you to know that I think you are BEAUTIFUL the way you are. You've basically told MY life story also. I even went through Gastric Bypass, I was so desperate. I went from 350 to 170 in 2003. Now in 2011, I am back to 275. It's a constant struggle, and I really am proud of you for taking control. Due to my mental issues, I just can't seem to care about myself right now. But know that you are not alone in your struggles, your life mirrors sooo many other young girls...putting the message out there is going to make a lot of girls stop and think. Again, I am very proud of you, and I really do think you're beautiful the way you are. I hit the Monkey shows on the east coast, hoping you would be there, just to tell you that I think you're awesome...but you weren't there :( . Keep up the awesome work with yourself, and your photography, your pictures are amazing!
Thanks to you both for taking the time to not only read this, but to comment, as well. :) It makes me smile to know that I have "strangers" who will take the time to take part in my life.
<3 <3
Hugs to you both!!!
First of all, thanks for sharing! I distinctly remember the first time I was told I was fat. I was 8, and not at all fat. My paternal grandmother was a real downer when it came to me and my looks (she's part of why I am so self conscious now) I was around the same sizes you were in high school, but no one ever believed I weighed what I weighed (huge boobs helped), rather than obsessing, I dressed slutty for attention. If they are staring at least I know it's not cause I am dressed this way and not cause they think I am fat. Hindsight is certainly 20/20... I was sure I was a cow then too. (i'm not where I really want to be yet... 240lbs size 20- but love me fat or move on is my motto for now)
Regardless of your ideal, or weight goal or whatever the voices tell you to make you uncomfortable- you are beautiful. (gotta admit a bit of a girl crush- you have a beautiful smile)
Congrats on your progress!! Best of luck with your goals. (one of these days I may set some of my own)
<3
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Jodie. While I never got into binging and purging and self harm, I've always struggled with me weight. Even when, in hindsight, I was healthy and didn't need to struggle.
My mom and I did the HCG diet together about three months ago. I lost 25 pounds on that, and I've nearly lost another 25 watching what I put in my mouth and exercising.
I applaud your efforts and keep up the good work!! :)
Y'all are absolutely amazing.
Thank you so much for taking the time and trusting enough to share back with me and everyone else. It means a lot to me that I'm not the only one putting all of this out there, so thank you!!!!
Love x tons.
The lengths I have gone and likely will(despite best intentions to not go there again) in pursuit of weight and weight control and control itself. I feel for you I really do. It is not something I am ashamed of this battle anymore but it is not easy. It takes such a toll on your psyche. I am like 5'7...lowest I have been is like 103 to give you an idea...so of course my weight which is currently the highest I have been is a lot. I have gained a few extra from stress binges and being anxiety ridden. I would like to get rid of those and be content again...if that is possible or as much as I can in my head..
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