I Don't Want Your Old Letters

"I'm a million miles away,
There was nothing left to bring me back today..."

First of all I want to say that Rachel and I got everything settled with NYC and whatnot. I did not say in my last blog that I didn't want to move there... it's like this one time when I was in middle school, Alice (my mom's girlfriend at the time) said, "let's go to Chinese". So I was thinking "Chinese" in my head... thinking about what I might order, how it would taste, etc... then at the last minute she changed her mind and said "Let's go to Jumpin' Catfish!" -- Now, for those who know me know that I don't eat seafood, so you can imagine my shock... but it wasn't just that, it's that I was expecting Chinese and I got seafood. (Of course I didn't order seafood.)

It wasn't that I was necessarily 'disappointed' per se... it's just that I was thinking and planning for Los Angeles. As I had explained, I love New York and I'll be more stoked to move there when I visit in Jan/Feb but it was just new.

I think I'm probably running myself in circles here.

I want to move where my friends are... I love NY. I love LA. I could really care less where I move... I will be happy either way... now I'm just going to start fantasizing about NY instead of LA, that's all... which will only get me more stoked.

Secondly, I love -- scratch that... I adore Las Vegas... but there's no way in hell I would ever live there. It's a dirty city ran by money and booze. It's one of those places you visit but would never stay. It's literally a piece of land in the middle of the fucking desert, so thanks, but no thanks.

Lastly, my blog was really only a reason for me to post the three photos that I did and then all I got was what I got. I'm not calling myself ungrateful here, I'm just saying is all. I don't want a whole comment, speil or email about how this this that with my blog or whatever... I adore your comments, if you stopped commenting, I would probably stop blogging because, well, what would be the point? But I take careful consideration into what photos I should post because I don't post them for me... I post them for you.

Either way... moving on.

Went to see Batman for the 9th time today. It was just as unexpected as you think! LOL Today I really soaked him in... not that I hadn't before... but people had said "wow, he's really scary as the Joker" but I never saw it because I kept trying to think about what he was thinking about, I kept trying to get under his costume and makeup and see Heath... this time I let it lead me, like a song... I just took him in and yes, he was really scary. Maybe not so much "scary" as very intimidating.

Ahh, let's talk about Heath some more for a moment, shall we?

I haven't read the book that Gemma sent me yet. I thought I would just read it all in one day when I got it, but I think I'm avoiding reading it because I know I'll bawl and then it'll be like, it's over... I keep saying that "if I do this, then it's over, then it's final"... I've said that with many things... but now I'm beginning to wonder if it'll ever be over.

I have said to myself that once I get my tattoo that I can maybe "move on" from his death, or at least accept closure. I am not sure if that is the case. I am not sure if I care any more tho... having that tattoo is my way of carrying him with me. That's all I really want.

I think that once I go to New York and see where he lived, see where he wrote Matilda's name in the wet cement, eat at his restaraunt, walk the streets where he walked, that I'll be able to put something behind me... but really, I know deep in my heart -- what I've always known deep in my heart and what Jennifer was counting on -- that seeing all that will only make me long for NYC more and more.

...I think I'm going to try to talk Jennifer into taking her birthday trip up to NY a week early so that I can be in the city on the anniversary of when he died. Is that morbid? Is it completely fucked up for me to want to be outside his apartment on the day he died? Oh god, it is...

Watching his movies, seeing his photography and learning as much as I can about him while seeing every known photo of him has drawn me to him in the only way I can describe - like a magnet. For whatever reason, he's the most important person to me right now... and he's not even here.

I found this link to a dedication video for Heath from his friends. It features video of Heath directing (which he was just starting to tap his talent for), Heath and Matilda (of course she was his world) Heath taking photos and photos that Heath had took (photography was his favorite hobby outside of chess) and Heath acting (which we all know he was pro at.)

It touched me deeper than any other thing I've viewed on him.

Enjoy.

http://wearethemasses.com/dedicationheath/index.html



I love this pic because it gives me the feeling that I'm spying in on his private moment to himself...

He seems vulnerable to me here.

xoxox