APPARENTLY, I've Got "Problems"

Again, whatever song comes on random, I will post here. Regardless if I've posted it before or not.

"It's sitting by the overcoat, the second shelf, the note she wrote
That I can't bring myself to throw away,
And also reach she said for no one else but you,
And you won't turn away, when someone else is gone...
I'm sorry 'bout the attitude I need to give when I'm with you, But no one else will take this shit from me..."

The last two lines there, in italic? That's Jenn and I all the way.

Today was an interesting day. I'll skip through the lame parts and get to the good stuff. We went to Chili's in Independence with Jenn's parents and her aunt from California. She hadn't seen her aunt since she was 7 or so and she also owns a home in Hawaii and said we're more than welcome at either of her homes any time we want... *starts to make plans for trip*

So let me paint this photo for you, I'm sitting across the table from Jenn's mom, her mom is sitting next to her dad and I'm sitting next to Jennifer -- her brother is waiting on us. ;-) Jenn says, "oh did you hear Lance is going to be on Dancing With The Stars?" and her mom says, "yes, I heard they might want to put him with a male dancer... I don't think that would be very family oriented." I clench my fists. "Well I think it would be cute." Jenn says unaware of her Mother being homophobic again. Her dad chimes in, "If they do he'll be the first person voted off."

Well, that's my cue to leave! I grab my purse and go to the bathroom to take a lil something on top of the martini that I had had earlier. I just don't understand...

On top of all that, Jenn's grandmother was talking about Sarah Palin and how she's "so pretty" and yadda yadda, whatever... I stopped listening when I realized what we were talking about.

Her family is nothing but a bunch of homophobes. I can't stand it. Just do me a favor -- if you have a problem with gays, or even a slight dis concern with them -- just kindly stay the fuck away from me, ehh?

By the time I got back to the table I felt much better and the gay talk was over. Jenn and I finished our salads and I managed to keep to myself the rest of the night.

Chili's is doing this great promotion right now where you can donate money to St. Jude's for cancer research and Jenn and I had donated some on Friday in the name of David Cook, who's brother Adam had brain cancer... today we donated even more and I got a dog tag necklace and Jenn got a key with St. Jude's on it.

On September 29th ALL the profits that Chili's makes that day they will donate to St. Jude's. ALL OF IT!! Go go go!! It's worth it and you're saving a life!!

So what I haven't told y'all, or at least posted pics of - is that I chopped off my hair! ;-) It's just above my shoulders and today I wore it curly. It looks seriously cute... (Jenn actually used the word "fierce".) I shall post new pics soon... I don't have any good ones worth sharing.

Tomorrow I am working with Damon, Jasmine's live in BF/baby daddy, to get his music myspace up and running, take new pics of him, and get some music out there. He's an aspiring rapper/singer and I figure if I help him, somewhere down the line, he can help me. I told him that Jennifer and I are starting our own studio and he's excited about it.

Here's a new poem...

He keeps me warm like wool,
As I stay wrapped up inside of him,
The red rim around his eyes cannot lie,
'I haven't slept in weeks,' it says,
'I can't tell what's up and down,'
It makes no difference, I try and tell him,
I just wish his feet were planted firmly on the ground,
I wonder where you are,
And how you feel inside,
I wonder what it's like now,
All that's left is just your pride,
I long to hold you and bring you home,
I long to kiss your firm pink lips,
I long to touch your amber skin,
And have your curls within my grisp,
If only for one second,
If only for a heartbeat,
I'd lie to make you mine,
It scares me to think of you all the time,
I'd die to keep you forever,
If only in my mind

I wonder if when people read poems/lyrics/anything I write if they think to themselves, "oh this is what it's like to be Chloe/Jodie Platz..."

I. hope. so.

What it's like to be me... a short essay:

I fear every knock on my door,
I wonder if this day, will be the day that I die,
I drink to forget what it's like to be sober,
I take pills to forget what it's like to be alive,
I cut myself when I think, "that's it,"
I talk shit because I don't know any better,
I type this because all I want is your attention,
I don't have your attention and it kills me, deep inside,
I tell you I don't eat because I want you to think I am strong,
I don't tell you when/what I eat because I see that as weak,
I make promises to myself, only the ones I intend to keep,
I travel to get away from my home, my life,
I don't see myself as fragile but wish others did,
I can't remember growing up; I can't remember being a kid

You know, that's actually the most honest I've been in a while. Here's five more facts about me:

1. I curse every other word, I just hide it from YOU, because I'm afraid of what you will think.
2. It doesn't matter if I've done drugs or had sex.
3. I've been abused.
4. I love Heath Ledger in a way that I literally cannot descibe. I've tried, I can't do it. Think I'm crazy, that's fine. I think I lost the love of my life before I even knew it. I love him in ways that I never thought loving Justin Timberlake would be possible... if that says anything... (*coughraeraecough*
5. I've stopped writing songs.

So there you have it... before I posted this blog I emailed the "friendly reminder" link to my Mama, Step Mom, Kristi and my Uncle Les. I am completely aware that this blog and the blogs previous to this one could permanately change my relationship with them. (Okay, not Kristi...) But you know what? If they don't love my skeletons... well we know the rest of that sentence don't we?

I made these... which do we like?



(I hope I hadn't posted any of those before...)

My favorite is the first one, only because I am IN LOVEEEE with that photo. Michelle is staring at Heath in such a way that you know he holds her heart, there's no denying it. I think she was the luckiest girl in the world, and she's spectacular -- he was the luckiest man in the world.

Pic O' Tha Day:



This pic... this pic... this pic... oh God... if I could only tell you how this pic made me feel...

Klow-ee

xoxox