So Close

I've dreamt of your face,
It was unfamiliar,
Now the sight of it I long to see
I couldn't react
I couldn't breathe,
The sight of you won't let me
You're dangerous now,
I don't know how, but I'm sure this moment will pass
Whether you want me to or not
I'm in love at last

Twilight

You're like my own person brand of heroin.

I'm about a month behind the curve, but better late than never.

I am in love with Robert Pattinson as Edward and his gorgeous everything.

Off to see Twilight for the 3rd time... This week.

And Jackson Rathbone is in there as Jasper! The "crazy" vampire! I haven't seen him around since, like, the OC! Heart him.

xoxox

Too Loud

Take a pill, take one or two
Imagine what it does for you,
Turns your whole world inside out
Bottle says it'll take away your doubt

Fill you up, til you're to the brim
Then purge and go around again
Wash it down with a little ale
And who cares if the food is stale

Fill you up til you're past full
Then cry how your life's so dull
Around the circle we go again,
Take the pills, take the gin,

Eat and chomp and nosh and cut
Can't stop now that you're in a rut
In too far deep for anyone to care
The circles around your eyes say that you're not there

No sleep, no meaning, no life, no more
Can't bring yourself to get out the door
Bottles strewn throughout the house
But I can't shut you out,

You're just too loud

Time To End

g o g o g o...

leave, left, went away...

I hate myself, and I hate you. You only want me to be something that I can't, so I can't be true to you.

I'm leaving and I don't know when I'll be back again.

Good luck.

Change Gon' Come

"You'll always be mine,
Cupid only misses sometimes..."

I had planned on getting up last night and turning my computer back on last night to write the blog I'm about to write... I should have done it last night because now I'm at a loss for everything I was going to say.


I honestly wonder what will come when I die...

I made promises to myself and others that on my 24th birthday a change would come... and I've at least kept one promise I made -- I have not eaten meat, I will not eat meat.

I trail in and out of consciousness on a daily basis, and it's seeming like this blog is my only way of crying and voicing my opinions for those to read unbiasedly. Unfortunately, those who love me, love me conditionally. With terms, like a DVD player or an iPod.

They feel like I should come with terms and conditions and they'll love me as long as I follow them. The Jodie they met however long ago is what they expect me to be now, and let's face it - I'm not brand new, I'm not just out of the package. I have some scratches and dings and I sure as hell don't run the same as I did when you bought me.

I don't have a warranty, and so if I'm broken instead of working on me and fixing what's wrong, they just wanna set me aside in a drawer and hope I'll work the next time they take me out to play with me.

Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

I constantly find myself saying, "Jodie, you've gone crazy..." and you know what I've learned over the past year? Breakdowns aren't that beautiful... yes, in some ways it's completely organic and I feel more alive when I'm "crazy" -- more beautiful... but it's so ugly for others, the way I know they look at me, the way I hear them talk about me... etc.

I know that what I have for Heath isn't normal and sometimes it breaks my heart, sometimes it causes me agony to look at his precious face. There is a time every day that I have to remind myself that he's really gone... it doesn't feel like it - I still feel him.

There are many times when I just want to be with him - at all costs - when I type something out like that, I know I'm absolutely insane. I know that must sound like I'm a crazy stalker chick, which I'm not -- I just am so intrigued by his presence and I never got to experience that sort of bliss that would accompany it so I ache for it.

xoxox

The Night Is Darkest Just Before The Dawn

Who has their Batman: The Dark Knight DVD's reserved? Jenn reserved mine for me as a birthday present. :-)

I hope that y'all go out on December 9th and get the DVD. The Dark Knight has already grossed over $1 Billion worldwide, but c'mon... it needs some more, doesn't it?

"Experts" say that Heath has basically won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. (Official nominations are released on January 22nd, eerily ironic as it will be the one year anniversary of Heath Ledger's death and the day I'll be getting my Heath Ledger tattoo...) They also say that Christopher Nolan will probably walk away Best Director AND Best Picture for the Dark Knight. I can't wait.

Here's a lil something you can make to watch The Dark Knight at home this coming week:

Heath Ledger Hot Chocolate:

Hot chocolate, whipped cream and crumbled Heath bar toffee pieces on top. ;-) Enjoy and sip slowly so as not to get a sugar rush.

xoxox

24 And There's So Much More

"Wake up Maggie, I think I got something to say to you
It's late September and I really should be back at school,
I know I keep you amused,
But I feel I'm being used,
Oh Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore,
You led me away from home,
Just to save you from being alone
You stole my heart and that's what really hurts..."

Birthday was okay... Went out with the Mama on Saturday... Monday had some time with Jennifer. Went to the Velvet Dog for drinks, got one on the bartender since it was my birthday. :-) We had some hummus there and I had 4 Cosmo's [in one hour. LOL] Didn't really effect me, actually.

After that we went to dinner at On The Border and I had the guacamole live for my dinner. LOL Then we were going to go down to Tomfooleries on the Plaza where I was gonna meet a someone, but la la la... we went to the casino instead and I had a drink there...

I actually had been feeling dizzy for a few days before my birthday, so I kinda took it easy on my birthday. Went home and was in bed by 1, I think it was. Kinda lame of me.

We're going out to America's Pub on Friday night where I think Rikki is gonna meet up with us there.

For my birthday I got this wrap thing from my Mama, my XM radio renewed by my step mom and Dad + $100, from Jennifer I got a piece of paper saying she had reserved The Dark Knight on DVD for me, 2 room sprays from Bath and Body Works, dinner and drinks.

With my birthday money I bought a cute scarf, a slouch beret, red moccasins, andddddd... Candy on DVD!!!! YAY!!! My favorite Heath movie EVAR!! Jenn and I watched it last night. I love that movie. Heath is so powerful in it. Tis my favorite.

So, I don't think Jennifer and I are going to NYC for her birthday anymore. I think we're going to save the money and go for Heath's birthday in April and then we're going to go for 3 days. I think going for her birthday is too close after the holidays.

Anyhow...

Woo! I just reached 3000 songs on my iTunes!

I'm sleepy. I've been sleepy all the time now. That's not good.

Pic:



haha, how adorable?!

xoxox

Merry Happy

"I wonder how you sleep,
I wonder what you think of me,
If I could go back, would you have ever been with me?
I want you to be uneased,
I want you to remember,
I want you to believe in me,
I want so much, so bad..."

I just haven't felt like blogging lately... don't know why. I guess I go through periods...

Thanksgiving was pretty interesting and crappy, so I'll skip to the better parts. Well, I was sick, just like I was last year - except this year I could actually halfway taste my dinner.

We went to the Plaza lights and were in about 4th row. Andrew waved at me. I got some good video and pics, which I still need to take off of my camera.

...The day before Thanksgiving I spent 5 hours in the ER with an IV in my arm. That's all I'll say about that.

We went to the Zona Rosa shopping thing... which was, um... the first 1000 people in line at midnight got a free $25 gift card to use by 3a in the shopping center. Jenn and I froze outside for 4 hours.

I got a headband and a some hair clips from the kiddie section and then we both built a bear. (Mine is named Heath.) and then we went and had ice cream.

Oh yeah, I chopped off all my hair. It's super duper freaking fucking short. ;-)

But I reckon the most exciting thing here is that my birthday is in a few hours... I had my birthday celebration with my Mama yesterday. We went to this mexican place that I like and she gave me this awesome wrap thing that can be a skirt, a shirt or a dress. It's fancy. LOL

Gemma and I had a date tonight and she wished me a Happy Birthday first from the UK. YAY!!

Tomorrow I'm not doing a whole lot... Jenn and I are going to go get me wasted. LOL Wednesday I'm having my cake and more booze... and my birthday dinner, which I don't know what I'm having... ooh, and I don't know where I'm eating tomorrow... oh well... Friday I think we're also drinking. Haha, liqour filled birthdays are the bestest.

You know, birthdays are great and I love em to death and all, but right now there's only one thing I can think about... The Academy Awards. They pushed up the release of the nominations from February 2nd to January 22nd...

Take a minute, let that sink in...

Yes, January 22nd is also the day that Heath Ledger died. That day was going to be hard enough for me (and Heath's family) and now I have to add that to the list of stuff to do that day. I know he'll be nominated, and if there's a God in Heaven he better win... If he DOESN'T win? Well that's gonna be a bad day for me...

On January 22nd Jenn and I are going to get our Heath tattoos. We're also taking the day to watch Heath's movies and whatnots.

Anyhow, I'm bored with this post now and I'm just not feeling like myself, really. I've been dizzy for about 3 days now.

Hope you had a good holiday. Comments are appreciated.

Pic:



It's not getting any easier.

Speaking of which... Michelle finally opened up about Heath's death...

"Williams is jovial and chatty, until the conversation turns to Heath. You can see it's still difficult for her to talk about him, and she hasn't done so publicly until now. The first time Ledger's name comes up, she bursts into tears.
"It's so sad," Williams says. When she's asked about how she's been doing in the past year, she's silent for a very long time.
"I guess it's always changing," she says. There's another pause. "What else can I say?" Her voice is breathy and fragile, and she takes a few gulps of air. "I just wake up each day in a slightly different place—grief is like a moving river, so that's what I mean by 'it's always changing'." She stops again. "It's a strange thing to say"—her words unravel slowly, her eyes tear up—"because I'm at heart an optimistic person, but I would say in some ways it just gets worse. It's just that the more time that passes, the more you miss someone. In some ways it gets worse. That's what I would say."

I couldn't agree more. She has said it perfectly.

(For the record, I don't for one second think that I have it worse than she does. She has the memories to relive and she has to look at his daughter every day. It must be the hardest thing she's ever gone through.)

xoxox

You Say Goodbye...

"You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special,
You're so fucking special,
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here..."

God I adore that song.

So last night while I was sleeping Bella got into the chocolates that I had leftover from Thursday night. :-( She ate the remaining 6 pieces... I'm keeping an eye on her, but she actually seems fine. She got into chocolate once last year and it was a much smaller amount than this time, but obviously she was fine... She's like super dog. And super dumb dog.

It's nearly Thanksgiving!! I'm pretty stoked about the entire thing. When Jenn gets home tonight we're going to clean for 2 hours and that's the plan... clean for 2 hours every day until Thanksgiving downstairs and then for 2 hours until my birthday...

Speaking of... Today is Monday... next time we see a Monday it'll be my day o' birth!! Ow ow!! So far I've already got the best birthday present... Ingram Hill!! ...and... Jenn and I have decided not to go to their last show. :-( (More Jenn than me, ofc...) I'll be okay... I got to see Heath, I got to see Justin... I would rather her start on my Christmas present than still be giving me birthday presents on the 5th. LOL

I already know what I'm getting from Jennifer for Christmas and Jesus Christ it's going to be the happiest daaay everrrr. I can't fucking wait. Don't wanna jinx it, but you'll know soon enough!

So today my anemia started to get the best of me. Jenn said she was going to go upstairs and take a shower, she came back down and I was asleep. I've lost a lot of blood in the past 24 hours (not that you care... LOL) and I'm so weak that I can barely keep my green eyes open.

So I decided I'm already ready to change my hair again. I haven't cut it in a while and I would like to cut it again. :-D I emailed my Mama and asked her if she would cut it -- I think I asked her if she would cut it Thursday... LOL But I never got a response.

Anyhow.

Whatevs.

Clip:



Hana Pestle.

Watch this and be AMAZED. She's 19 and from Montana... she's who opened for Ingram Hill. She's incredible. Seriously.

I hope you have a bowl under your chin because your face is about to melt.

xoxox

Suspicious Minds

"So that you'll say you're not afraid to let me steal your heart,
So that you'll say a prayer for me, in bed at night,
And that you'll save a page for me in the book of your life..."

So, I really should have blogged after Tuesdays Ingram Hill show in Lawrence because I've had such a busy week and now I'm faced with the daunting task of recapping it all in one blog.

Tuesday Jenn and I get ready and decide to head out to Lawrence about 11a so we can get there about noon and be in the front front row. First of all I wanted to go print off my picture of me and Justin and me and Matt from last November so they could sign them. (I have misplaced them since we moved.)

We get to CVS downtown and their Kodak machine is "out of order"... "Fuck my life." I said and the photo person said, "excuse me?!" Whatever, I'm too cool for you... so we left and I didn't get to print out my photos.

We get there at noon and we get coffee and bagels from Einstein next door. We sit out there for hours and finally two other girls come around 3ish. Around 4 we got let in early because there was only 4 of us and it was very chilly. Once inside we got to see their soundcheck and Justin came and said hey to us.

Their soundcheck was amazing. It was like an hour, I recorded some of it, "Cold in California" and "Why The Wait" which are on my youtube.

Doors were at 7, but we were already inside so I just went up and stood right in the very middle of front row.

Before the show we met Hana Pestle, the opening act. She's 19, soooo nice and incredible. She said she liked my hair. :-)

Her set was great. She covered "Creep" by Radiohead (I think... "you're so fucking special... I wish I was special... but I'm a creep.") And she also sang "Hallelujah" which she was amazing at, but I still prefer Jeff Buckley's version.

Ingram Hill came on and there was probably only 40 people in the whole place, which sort of rocked for us, but sucked for them -- which I told Matt later. Justin gave me his guitar pick during "Cold In California" which is my favorite song off the new album... the girls that we met that stood next to us? They took my sign idea and wrote a sign that said "Please Play "With You"!"... but Justin was like, "We haven't played that since June... (posted the Chris Brown cover on their youtube site.) She said, "it's okay, we'll help you remember it." Justin seemed irritated and they kept pushing for them to play it.

Speaking of new albums, they played new songs!! You can't understand how happy it makes me that they're making a new record!!

After the show was over we went and talked to Justin for a while. As soon as I walked up to him, he was like, "hey!! How are you?!" (I'm friends with him on myspace and Facebook) We got pictures and then he was like, "Are you the one who told me about the Mad Greek?" My eyes lit up and I was so surprised that he said something to me about it!! I had messaged him on Facebook the day before and told him how the Mad Greek was across the street from the Granada where they were playing and how awesome it was...

He said that they ended up eating at Ingredient, which I hadn't heard of. He said it was alright, but that he wanted to go to the Mad Greek. It was pretty awesome of him to say something.

We chased down Phil and I finally got my picture with him! He's pretty shy and sneaky, but he was the nicest person evars. Matt was tearing down the stage and I didn't want to bother him, but finally I needed to because we needed to go. We ended up talking to him for 10 minutes. He was trying so hard to talk us into coming to the Chicago show... Later Justin was trying to talk Jennifer into the Memphis show...

We said goodbye and Justin gave us hugs. (I love his hugs. He always initiates. Loves it.) When we left we had no plans of attending another show...

Thursday we went back to Lawrence to the Mad Greek to have dinner with my parents. My Dad actually came!! I was so surprised!! He usually says he's going to, and then doesn't, but it was great to see them.

After dinner we went to this place called, "Au Marche" a European market and next door is a place called "Brits". Brits obviously a place for British things... which I found out they sell my favorite candy, Refreshers, but they were all out. :-(

So at Au Marche we got some candy. I got some marzipan, and some German chocolates. Got some Nutella!!! Woo!! And I got this chocolate, I don't know where it's from, actually, but it's chili chocolate... It's got just a hint of spice to it. I loveeee it. It's expensive, but delish.

We already know how this story ends. We decided to go with what Matt suggested and go to Chicago. We actually planned all this out on the way home from the Ingram Hill show and we were planning on going to their Memphis show initially, which was the day before Thanksgiving, but Jenn was going to have to call into work.

When we got home and saw the tour dates, the 2 shows then that Jenn said we could go to were Chicago or Oxford, MS on the 5th because she already had those days off. I said, "lets go to Chicago"... it's closer in time. haha...

And so we bought tickets.

We were going to try and get up to Chicago at like, noon on Friday, but we ended up not getting there until about 6p... on the way up there I got my first speeding ticket in a year. :-( Not so happy about that. The cop was actually really nice to me, even though I was going 92 in a 70. Just fuck my life... haha... well, there goes $500 because I'm going to HAVE to hire a lawyer to take care of it. I cannot afford the points on my license or it'll get suspended again and fuck that shit. I lived 2 years without my license. No way am I doing that again...

It's straight distances that always fucking kill me... and I was only 82 miles outside of KC! Fuccccck. Anyhow, don't wanna talk about that anymore.

So, we get up to Chicago about 6p or so, but then we have to sit in traffic because, oh yaaay, it's rush hour all the time there. As we were entering Chicago, I realized that this is where they filmed Batman... so I asked Jennifer if after the show we could go down to LaSalle and see where the flipped the truck... she said no.

We finally find the club they're playing at and as we pull up there I see Zach and 2 other Ingram Hill boys get into a cab. I kinda freaked out a bitttttt... haha. We had plans to go to Panera, but there was no parking, so we went to Dunkin' Donuts instead. That's where we had planned to get ready and stuff...

So we're sitting at Dunkin' Donuts and this 61 year old dude comes over... doesn't look homeless, just looks poor, drinking whiskey out of a paper cup... sits next to me and starts talking like he's black to me... asking me personal questions, yadda, being obscene to me... finally, in a nut shell tells me he's going to murder me.

No lie.

I go up to the manager and all I had to do was say, "there's this drunk guy..." and he was thrown out.

We have some dinner, get our makeup and hair done, change and head back to the club. I find parking right across the street from the club. (If you've ever been to Chicago you know parking is impossible and expensive.) Not only did we get parking right across the street from the club, it was free. Wow.

So we get into the club and there's a line to get into Ingram Hill. The previous night they had a show @ the same place that sold out and last night's Chicago show also sold out. We were about 30 people deep into the line and I was mad because I knew I wouldn't be in the front row... we get in and what happens? Everyone goes to the bar and I get in the front row right in front of of Zach, the bass player on the right of the stage.

The stage was soooo small, it was nice though. Hana came on and did a fantastic set. I adore her. After the show I told her that I wished her all the success in the world because she truly is blessed. She hugged me. She really likes Jenn and I.

Ingram Hill came on and did a completely different set from Tuesday. Jenn had emailed Justin and asked him to play "Hangin' Around Again" for meeeee, and they did!!! It was 3rd. Unfortunately, "Cold In California" was first. :( The did an acoustic set of about 5 or 6 songs in the middle of the show which was SWEET...

Matt came out and was right in front of me. I loveeeed it. Justin got his guitar out... the acoustic that was broken Tuesday, LOL and before he was going to play he was checking the strings and popped a string... he called Chris out and Chris fixed it and brought it back out to him and what did he do? Popped the string again!!! So then Justin just used Hana's guitar. I told her I was jealous of that after the show... also she got to sing "On My Way Out" with them last night!! That just plain wasn't fair!!!

Anyhow, Justin gave me his guitar pick during "Almost Perfect". :-) The girl next to me looked like she wanted to barf on me. haha...

They ended with "Chicago", just like Tuesday except it was awesome to see them play "Chicago" IN Chicago. haha...

After the show we went up and chatted with Justin who was so happy to see that we came out, we got another pic with him too. I got a t-shirt!! FINALLY! We chatted with Hana, who thought we were crazy for driving up there, seeing the show and driving back... then we talked about White Castle. haha...

Got to talk to Matt and Phil for a bit. Told them all that we were thinking about coming to Oxford, MS on the 5th for the last show. ;-) Phil told us that it was one of the top places to retire. haha... random.

So we left and then tried to find I-55S instead of taking 90 and 94 back home because we paid $6 in tolls. I don't care if it was 20 minutes faster. I knew there was a way to get there from downtown, so we headed downtown...

Hey... since we're down here, I thought... ;-) We went down to LaSalle and I saw where they flipped the truck in Batman... where Heath laid in the middle of the street... where the Bat-tumbler turned around at the end of the street...

I cried...

It's not like I hadn't been to Chicago a hundred times... it's not like I had never been on LaSalle... but... Heath.

The street was completely empty except for me, it seemed to have the same tone and attitude (not to mention lighting) that it did in The Dark Knight. It was absolutely incredible. I couldn't take very many photos. Jenn was cranky and hungry and my camera was dying. I'm going back up to Chicago in May for my cousin Erik's graduation from college and I'll just have to take a ton when I'm up there.

I'll load pics of it when I get them off my camera, and they will of course be on my myspace, please comment.

We just got home at 730 or so... we stopped about 50 miles outside of Chicago after we got on 55S because we were both too tired to drive... Jenn was supposed to be at work at 5p. Oops.

I'm glad to be home and be with the babies.

BTW, I wanna thank Vessy and Kim for all their comments. I appreciate them sooo much... annnd, yaaa, Gem and Rae, you know I always adore yours as well.

xoxox

Love Me, Hate Me

So I've been getting people asking me what my Facebook and Myspace status means, as it has lyrics from Britney Spears' song, "If U Seek Amy" on there... Honestly I didn't get it the first 4 times I listened to it either, but I loveeeed the beat and the way Brit sounds on it...

"Love me, hate me, say what you want about me, but all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If U Seek Amy..."

How about this? "love me, hate me, say what you want about me, but all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to F U C K M E"

If you seek Amy... F U C K M E

;-)

Go Brit.

xoxox

Sagittarius

As we approach Sagittarius here in a week I thought I would have a blog completely dedicated to the sign I call home.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sagittarius_(astrology)

Here's a list of characteristics and if I feel they are accurate towards myself. I have highlighted the ones I think apply to me.

• Witty conversationalist, humorous
• Freedom loving / free-spirited
• Idealistic / believing
• Moral, often having a religious streak. Righteous.
• Intelligent / intellectual
• Positive / optimistic
• Honest / sincere
• Confident
• Enterprising, ambitious, devoted to their goals.
• Energetic / active
• Versatile
• Adventurous / risk-taking
• Independent / unfettered
• Approachable / warm
• Cheerful / likeable
• Sympathetic / generous
• Temperamental
• Impatient / restless
• Indiscreet, careless. Blunt.
• Impulsive / spontaneous
• Childlike

Recommended careers... "Ideal careers for Sagitarians include teaching • the law • theology and religion • politics • public relations or advertising • anything related to travel • arts • medicine • research and science.

Highlighted are the ones I've thought about pursuing.

Likes and dislikes, highlighted are the ones that pertain to me, duhh...

Likes: travel and adventure • honesty, justice and law • freedom • meaning • taking risks, gambling or speculation • socializing

^{Dislikes: routine and chores} • ^{being constrained} • ^{being tied down} • being forced to do things • being doubted • having to explain oneself • being forced to make promises • being bothered by little details

<sup>Wow, those dislikes are pretty on for the money... if you do those things to me, then you don't know me very well - yet people do them to me all the damn time.

Physical traits:</sup> Many astrologers believe that each of the zodiac signs has identifying physical traits. Some consider that physically, people born under the sign of Sagittarius usually have a large and well-shaped skull, a high, broad forehead, a slender and well formed figure. They stand high and walk high like a Centaur. They have the tendency to stoop or slouch as if grazing for grass. Sagittarius governs the hips, thighs and sacral area; some astrologers consider Sagittarians as tending to suffer from ailments of the hips and thighs and being prone to sciatica and rheumatism.

That's very interesting. The slouch part is on the money. I don't think I know how to sit up straight, but when I stand, I can't bear stooping. The other physical traits are pretty well on, except the slender part. I would be slender if it wasn't for all the crap in my life... that's another story.

It is often considered to have a great potential with Aquarius, granted they do not overreact to things, as both are given to whims and can be quite temperamental.

Well seeing as Jennifer is my BFF and she's an Aquarius, I would have to agree with that. I always seem to find myself attracted to them too.

I reckon that's all... What's your favorite part about your sign?

15 days until my birthday.

xoxox

Perfect World

"I want to live where soul meets body,
and let the sun wrap it's arms around me,
and bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing,
and feel, feel what it's like to be new..."

In a perfect world:

I would have been born into a family who was ready for me.
I would have finished HS.
I would have remembered my childhood.
Heath Ledger would still be alive... and I would know him.
Alcoholism wouldn't run in my family.
I would be appreciated for what I am to people -- a friend.
I would be accepted as I am without people wanting to "fix" or change me.
I wouldn't eat my feelings.
I would be able to lose weight easily and naturally.
I wouldn't have an eating disorder or three.
I would be successful at my chosen career.
I wouldn't have anxiety.
I would meet and make friends easily.
I would be able to speak my mind.
I wouldn't have to scream for attention.
I wouldn't be depressed.
I wouldn't have been set up for failure.
I wouldn't be dead on the inside.

xoxox

I Could Go For A Nap

"Old man look at my life I'm a lot like you were...
Old man look at my life, 24 and there's so much more,
Live alone in a paradise, that makes me think of two,
Love lost, such a cause, give me things that don't get lost
Like a coin that won't get tossed,
Rolling home to you..."

When I came to Panera today to spend the day in the world, I don't think I predicted the amount of boredom that I would suffer. I was bored within the hour of getting here. There's not much you can do when you have to reply to one email...

One day... one day I will wake up and I will have messages waiting for me in my inbox. I will have comments on my myspace... I will have awaiting text messages and missed phone calls... however, that will be too late.

Why can't people give a damn? I give 3 damns for all of you. There just isn't anyone who cares back. I have too much love for everyone. I need to stop caring so goddamn much.

I invited everyone I know to my birthday and no one cares enough to just tell me that they aren't going to make it... they care so little for me that they can't pull an excuse out of their ass. Wow. I do so much for these people... I go to their parties, I travel all the way across Kansas City into the boondocks to make it to the events that are important to them... but when it comes time to do something for me -- MIA.

What gives???

I don't reckon any of the people I'm talking about read this, but whatevs.

You know? I've always been the girl who followed the other girls around, the girl who never got to pick what game we played, the girl who wanted to be the other girl, the girl who wanted to be popular.

I was pretty popular in NKC... I had friends in every group of people, but of course I'm not still friends with those people... doesn't matter anyhow.

But why am I still being that girl? Why do I still go around looking for approval of these people who really don't give two shakes about me? I guess I figure eventually they'll come around and love me... I guess I figure that I need them in some way... perhaps I'll think that I'll look lame if I cut them all out and have 3 people on my myspace.

I always wonder what would happen if I just disappeared, vanished... if anyone would really notice... I doubt they would. Sure, Jenn would notice, Gemma... Rachel... but other than that?? Nada.

And with Gemma, Rachel and Jennifer? I'm just following them, they get to be the everything and I get to be the backup.

I am depressed beyond belief. I keep thinking of things that would fix it, but none of the things I come up with would really work... so I sit and stew. My heart jumps every time I see the lil number on my inbox go up... but then again, it's just a notice from iTunes... it's just a newsletter from Borders books... it's just spam.

Why do I look for the satisfaction of comments and emails online? Is that really love? I sure see it as that way so much that when I get none, I'm empty of love. Go ahead and think what you will of me... go ahead and say what you're going to say -- that I'm loved, I don't need that falsification... blah... I don't believe you. I smile and nod because I follow you...

Following you... can I really respect you? No. Is that really friendship? No... so do I really have any friends? Real ones? No.

What do I have?

I have my music. I have my movies, Heath Ledger, my dog, my bunny, my health, my sanity, my looks... But really, what is that? Nothing.

I am utterly devastated that my birthday is canceled. I canceled it last year too... last year sucked. 22 rocked... 21 wasn't bad. Haven't gotten a new coat since 20... 19 was a disaster... 18 was alright... 17 was okay... 16 was the worst... 15 I can't remember.

I am so happy that Jennifer got this new job, but it's costing me my birthday. The one day I look forward to... from December 2nd back around until November 30th it's all I care about. I adore it. It's MY day. Jennifer says that she got my actual birthday off... well la-di-dah. That doesn't do much for me, does it? Geez.

We aren't going to have any money to do anything thus we're going to sit on the stupid-God-if-I-have-to-look-at-this-in-2009-I'll-kill-myself-couch... just like every other day. She didn't think to get off Wednesday (3rd) which is the day we're forced to celebrate my birthday on because that's payday... the day that I invited EVERYONE I know to dinner and drinks... she didn't think to get off Friday... the day she promised we'd go to the club...

Didn't think about any of that... just my birthday. WTF?

A birthday is only as good as it's celebration and we're not going to even have enough money to MAKE a cake on that day.

So what does she say when we're arguing about this in the car last night?? "I promise next year will be better."

I wanted to swerve the car into a ditch.

FUCK YOU.

FUCCCCK YOU.

FUCKKKKKK YOU!!!!

It's not even my birthday yet and you're basically saying it's going to be shit and there's nothing you're going to do about it... that you give up and better luck next year. FUCK YOU. God dammit that pissed me off.

Annnnd, that's when my birthday got canceled. *wipes hands* There's nothing I can do about it.

Some thingsEverything is just more important than my one day a year.

xoxox

Story Of A Lonely Girl

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl named... well it doesn't matter what her name was. She was locked in the tallest tower in all the land and ached to be let down. She spent her days writing stories about brunette princesses who had all the jewels life could bring them. She spent her nights crying over the Knights who came and rescued them from spoiled apples and animals gone wrong.

Every morning when she awoke she envisioned that today would be different. "Today", she said, "I'll get out of this tower. Today, I'll be free. Today I'll find my Knight." Every night at sunset she realized that her day had not changed. She prayed for the change, or the courage to change - but every day the sun came, no change followed.

Minutes, days, years passed and nothing had changed except the wrinkles that started to show on the beautiful girls face. She started to accept the fact that her morning would some day no longer come, and the odds of her Knight rescuing her before then was very unlikely.

The lightbulb went off above her head and she stood up in satin gown. She began to climb down the tower. When she reached the bottom she breathed in the fresh summer air, opened her arms and accepted life. In her bejeweled shoes she took off running, holding her dress up to not ruin it for a moment, but as she ran the tears came down her face and she dropped her dress so she could run faster. Her arms pumped hard and she ran.

She ran from the life she once knew, the life she never would know and the scars that haunted her so. Finally she stopped, fell down in a field of daisies and caught her breath, staring up at the sun.

Before sunset a Knight came to her tower and called for her, "oh beautiful girl locked in this tower, how I long for thee," he shouted, but no reply ever came.

She never returned, the Knight missed her and the life that could have been, but she vowed that when people told the story again it wouldn't start out without her name... she vowed the world would know her name.

Bella Snores

"I can remember the very first time I cried
How I wiped my eyes, and buried the pain inside
All of my memories good and bad that's passed
Didn't even take the time to realize
Staring at the cracks in the walls
Cuz I'm waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
Cuz it's taking all over my head
All over again..."

I had to put on my headphones because all I could hear was Miss Bella snoring her ass off. haha...

So I got like the best news evaaar from Jennifer today. She had an interview at 5 Guys Burgers and Fries for a management position and she called me to tell me that she got the job!!! It's a salary position too!! I am soooo proud of her!

She says that she's going down to part time at McD, but c'mon, let's face it... she's going to quit in like a month. She says she wants to at least finish out the year.

She's going to be the assistant manager... no more swing manager shit... an actual fucking job. I am sooo proud of her. She's going to be making $24,000/yr. She would have to work 80 hours a week at McDonalds to come close to that and she's only going to have to work like 50 hours a week there. Plus, she would have to stay at McD another year or two in order to be an assistant manager and even then she wouldn't make $24,000. She would only make like $17,000 or $18,000. Isn't that ridiculous?!

I am so happy for her. She's elated. *proud*

So yesterday Jennifer and I were talking about what I want for my birthday and as we were arguing about it and stuff I decided I wanted to go into this pet store before going to the grocery store and in there we found bunny rabbits for sale. That's when I decided I want a bunny for my birthday...

If you remember a while back I got on a bunny kick, but I never got my bunny... for whatever reason... it's probably for the best since we moved and stuff... but anyhow -- I am about 80% sure that Jenn is gonna get me a bunny for my birthday!!

I was just doing some more research on them and I found this site which explains basically everything you need to know about bunnies and the way I see them? They are a lot like Chihuahua's. They run around in circles a lot, make noises, like attention - but don't want to be overwhelmed.

Anyhow, I'm really excited to get a bunny. They are so cute and seem very interesting...

Kim pointed out something yesterday... I never sent out my Las Vegas postcards. haha... I didn't mean to forget, I just got so sidetracked. I have them, just need to send them... well, and write them. hahaha... I feel bad. Oops. So if you were expecting a postcard and never got one, I truly am sorry.

So, much to Jennifer's dislike, I've been eBay crazy lately. haha... I've been trying to get myself an iPod touch, but alas... nothing.

Anyhow... I was bidding on a Swarovoski crystal tiara for my birthday, but I got outbid again and Jennifer told me I should let it go. :-(

But!! Last night I won a blue guitar for a penny... yes, a mutherfucking penny... Can you believe it? Crazy... It's obviously not the best quality or sound, but it's something for me to learn more on.

I used to play my mother's Martin, which was sooooo nice... but I didn't learn a whole lot. And when I was a kid my Daddy had bought me a guitar when he bought my mom the Martin.

La... la... I can't wait to get it.

I'm bidding on a used BlackBerry for Jennifer so she can be cool like me. haha... I can't remember what else I'm bidding on... um... I won a Heath DVD for a penny!! That was a steal, for real this time. haha...

Pic:





How would you not want a bunny?!?!

AHH!

xoxox

Edit:::

I got my $300 check!!! AHH!! First thing I did?? Went and upped the bid on that damn tiara!!

WOOOOOO!!

Why My Life Is Weird...

A Short Essay.

Today I found out that my dream boat Justin Moore from Ingram Hill is married. I am a little late on finding this out (a month or so) partly because I don't stalk him and partly because he's not uber famous.

Also today I had a Justin Moore fest... from every other song on iTunes coming up Ingram Hill to finding out I have a strange taste for men who are alike.

Shall we take a closer look?

In the beginning when I found out that cutie with the curls and the guitar on stage was from Memphis I said, "wow, they breed em well down there!" When I found out his name was Justin I said, "wow... that's ironic."

But not just name and city do the Southern boys have in common... No, no...

Both are obvious Tigers fans, hating all other teams with a passion. Both play the guitar, sing well, have curly hair... now for the not so obvious ones... both are Aquarius', both love golf, both prefer Coors Light...

Alright. I'm officially freaked out.

The end.

xoxox

She Made The People Say Yeah

"...I could put you in a town house,
I could put you in my house,
Come over here, sign the papers to the crib
We can turn this thing our house,
I'm talking 'bout Timberlake-ya,
We'll have the wedding in Jamaica..."

Who's heard the T-Pain remix? Thoughts? Jenn doesn't like it one bit. I think it's cute and clever. I like T-Pain a lot, though...

But let me get to Justin Timberlake on AutoTune... hahaa... he sounds just like everyone on AutoTune. LMAO... Hilarity ensues.

So last night Jennifer and I went to Tom's for dinner and drinks. I had the fish and chips, which were delish and I U Call It's were $2.25 and so Jenn had 3 Jack and Coke's and I had 2 Absolut Tonic's and a beer... Can only have so much vodka, yanno? LOL

We went home and it was a while before the club was going to be hoppin' so we chatted for a while and later we went to America's Pub... we got this fish bowl for $10 and filled it with Sex on the Beach. WOO! Although... unfortuntely, after sharing it we both were probably more sober than before. haha... the club totally sucked. We were like the only people on the dance floor. Balls.

We left early and just decided to go home and make dinner. LOL At like 3a we finally had dinner. Weirdness.

Only 23 days until my birthday... not many [local] people have RSVP'd one way or the other to my birthday, which is understandable... it's still a ways away. LOL Rikki RSVP'd the day I sent out invites.

Rikki and I don't see each other very often, but one thing Rikki always does is come to my birthday party. Always... since I was like 16 and first knew her. She's amazing... so reliable.

I need a new computer. Realized mine is about 2 years old now and it's slowing down. Crap. I just cleaned it right before we moved, but yaaaaaa... probably need to do that again.

Jennifer and I are getting a table and bottle service at America's Pub for New Years Eve... Can you believe we've been friends for 9 years this year?!?! CRAZZZY. I can't beleive it. I mean, I have friends that I've known for over 9 years -- like Stephy, who introduced Jennifer and I - Heather, my first friend from 1st grade, and Shena, who I've been friends with since 2nd or 3rd grade -- but I have been friends with Jennifer for 9 years straight... only spending 1 week apart in that time in all those years... that? I've never done that before.

Today Jennifer got a postcard in the mail from the Citi Group place she applied at and they said that she would be a great addition to their company, so I'm like 80% sure she got the job!!! Ahh! This would be just incredible...

This is now the part where I would say some things about McDonalds and employment over there, but as I'm not sure who all reads this, I don't want to burn any bridges... but we'll just say that McD is FUCKKKKED.

I told Jennifer I'm going to get her a kitten for Christmas and I've started the adoption process at a shelter. There's one shelter in particular that I would like to adopt from, but I'm awaiting a reply back from them... I can't wait to get the kitten and to get stuff for it!!! What are some good cat names that aren't too cat obvious? LOL No, Socks, Mittens, Mr. Bojangles, etc...

??

If you got a new cat, what would you name it?

So, tonight when Jenn gets home we're buying our Ingram Hill tickets!!! AHH! I can't fucking wait!! It's the 18th! That's sooo close! AHH! I just wanna scream!

Okay, I think that's enough now...

Pic:



haha, look what I stumbled upon...

ahhh, memories... When Jenn and I went over to Jasmine's the other night to do some drinkin' and some 'roke, Jasmine was totally feeling the Celebrity album, so we were all singing along to that and drinking... and NSYNC + alcohol = TEARS.

That's all I have to say about that.

xoxox

Pink Is My Favorite Color...

"I ain't freaking, I ain't faking this,
Shut up and let me go,
HEY!"

How much do I fucking loveeee that song? Yes yes.

Sooooo... I have pink hair. hahaaa!! YAY!!!

That's what the big hair surprise was!!! LOL Pink and blonde hair!! YAY!!!

And now? Drumroll... pics!!









So I basically am in loveee with those pics. Especially the 2nd and 3rd pics. Waaay cutest.

Well, kids. I think that's all for today. Shocking enough for today, yes? LOL

Tomorrow Jennifer and I are going out... for like, the first time in ever. LOL Okay, for the first time in a hot second... I like Jennifer only having one job because it's more time for me to spend with her yay!!

xoxox

YA-YA!

"I'm sittin' on a citadel
Contemplating life,
Making a point to waste my time
I'm walking on clouds of white,
Whatif I fall, whatif I don't?
Whatif I never make it home?
Whatif I bleed, whatif I break?
And I find that I can't take,
The city below the citadel
Holding my own hands..."

My ear hurts a tad... well, not hurts... it's a bit sore when I touch it (so I don't touch it. LOL) It's swollen some, which I heard can be because I'm cleaning it too much and sleeping on it... so now I'm not doing those things. LOL

Anyhow, I'm sure I'm fine, it's just my body trying to reject the piercing... my body needs to get over it. LOL

Jennifer finally helped me do the first part of my hair today... but... it didn't come out as wow as I had hoped... sooooooooo... now I'm contemplating what to do. :-S

I guess I have several options... I can wait until Jenn gets home or tomorrow so I can get another kit of dye... I can put extra stuff in it for my next step... or I can put extra stuff in it plus extra something else. LOL

I really don't wanna say what I'm doing to my hair!! HAHA!!

I just have wanted this since mid-week through Vegas and now I want it how I pictured it. LOL

*thinks for a really long time...* Well fuck me.

I think I'm hungry.

I can't wait for Private Practice and Dirty Sexy Money tonight...

I'm mad the pushed Pushing Daisies for Dancing with the Stars.

I'm REALLY mad they canceled Dr. Haan's character on Grey's Anatomy. I was just getting into their lesbo relationship.

I hope Susan Lucci goes home on DWTS because she's a bad dancer and after last night's performance I totally called her going home.

*waits to see who goes home*

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Susan Lucci is going home!!! I SOOOO CALLED THAT SHIT!

So I'm bidding on hella shit on eBay right now. LOL I just won the Patriot DVD and an NSYNC lanyard. The DVD was $1.50 and the lanyard was .50! Haha, I couldn't help but bid on that! LOL Also a little bit ago I won the Heath Rolling Stone for $1.25 on a Buy It Now!! INCREDIBLE! I got out bid on previous Rolling Stone's for $30 or $40!!!

Anyhow, I'm also bidding on a "got justin timberlake?" bumper sticker, DVD The Order (Heath) for 1c, Jessica Simpson clip in hair extensions for .99, a cashmere scarf for $3.25, a slouch beret hat for .79, annnnnd a Swarovoski crystal tiara for .99!!!!!!!!

I'm an eBay FIEND! I loveeee it! I can't wait for these to end!! hahaa!!

Pic of the Day:



that's so blondeeeee hair! hahaa

EDIT:::

Clip:



Holy crap, Jessie can sinnnnng!!!! Fuck me.

xoxox

A Change Gon' Come

Obama for IS President.

I'm A Voter!

"I've forgotten what it feels like
To feel normal, to be normal,
and I've forgotten what food tastes like
The way it tastes right,
The taste buds taste right,
Now I wake up
In so much spit and sweat
It is not normal,
But what is normal?"

Still haven't done my fucking hair. Haha... somehow whenever it's time to do it, I get too tired. :-S I've been exceptionally sleepy lately. I get up and within an hour I'm ready for a nap... I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with me, but I'm not liking it much.

Went to vote today!! WOO! I feel sooooo much better now that it's all over... well, the voting process. I'll actually feel better when they announce the winner, but I'm not looking forward to the anticipation leading up to that moment. It's like American Idol, but on a greater scale...

Can you believe more people vote for American Idol than they vote for the next leader of the free world? That's kinda fucking insane... can't say I don't vote for AI, but I have voted in both elections I've been eligible to vote in as well.

So, my birthday is only 27 days away... we aren't going to be able to actually go out for my birthday until Wednesday the 3rd, but ON my birthday we're going to rent some movies, get some sushi and chinese, some wine and chill... sounds like fun, huh? Kinda mellow, actually... that will be different. LOL

Last year I made my own birthday cake... this year Jennifer said that she would make it... I'm kinda nervous... I have cake making down to a science... but if she thinks she can do it, I reckon I'll let her try. LOL The other night she made brownies and totally fucked em up. Oh well...

I reckon I'll email invite some people to my birthday thingy on Wednesday. If they come, then they come... if they don't... then well... oh well.

Don't think I have much else to say here... maybe I'll blog later.

xoxox

The Dreams In Which I'm Dying...

"All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and daily for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses,
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow..."

Ahh good people, how art thou?

I. Am. Awesome.

Friday I told you I got my check for my first song... woo! Haha, it's already gone. LOL It was a relatively small check ($194) but I'm getting another one here for $300 in a few weeks or so which is going to help me buy my camera. XD *so happy*

Anyhow, with my money I bought some awesome blossom hair dye and tonight we're doing part of my hair and then doing the other part tomorrow morning. So that was like $24... I also bought some deep conditioner packets and some clear rubber bands.

While we were in the salon parking lot there was a set up of some puppies for sale and so we went to see them and completely fell in love with this yellow lab. She was nuzzling and reminded us of Bells when she was a puppy... We can't afford another dog at the moment, which sucks, but I think I'm getting Jennifer a kitten for Christmas. :D They have tons of cats and kittens at the shelter for adoption and they are fixed and come with first shots and everything, we went to see them and Jenn really wants a cat.

Jenn wanting an animal is a huge deal. She only got me Bella because I really wanted her, she wasn't interested in having an animal. She never had a pet when she was a child... so now she's learning to connect to other beings and I'm so proud.

After that we went to Target and I printed off 5x7 copies of our photos with Justin and I bought a frame for them. :-) I also got a 4x6 of each of them for us to have. While we were there I found a hot pink purse on sale for $3!!! Ya, I bought that too. LOL

Then we went to Hobby Lobby because I've wanted a sketch pad and pencils for months. I finally got it for myself and today I sketched Jenn as she fell asleep on my knee. I think I did awful, but I showed Jenn and she was completely impressed. She was amazed and said that it didn't look like her, but that it actually looked like a human and she had never seen me draw a person before and thought I did a really good job. That meant a lot to me.

Then we headed downtown and I got my tragus pierced at Freaks on Broadway!!! AHH! I ain't gonna lie, it hurt. haha... none of my tattos or other piercings hurt, but this definitely stung. I want to get both and I asked if I should get both on the same day and they said no, so when I get my other check I'm going back to get my other one done -- so it obviously didn't hurt bad enough that I don't want the other one done.

It bled, which threw me off since it's cartilage, but it no longer hurts anymore, it really just hurt for a second when she pierced it and then it was over. It's sooooooo adorable. I fucking loveee it. I had Jenn tape it and I'll post it on youtube soon as well as pics of my piercing soon like tomorrow, kk?

I actually had planned to get my Heath tattoo, my piercing and my hair dye and be almost out of money after that -- but when I went to my guy at A-1 about my Heath tattoo they reccommended that I get it horizontal instead of vertical like I wanted and that completely threw me for a loop since I had thought of it vertical since I came up with the idea back in July... so I decided I needed more time with the idea or to come up with a new idea... or perhaps get what I ACTUALLY want and just ignore their opinion... who knows, I'm not ready.

Now Jenn and I have decided we're going to get them together and I think we're going to get them on the 1st anniversary of his death. It'll be double special then.

Anyhow, after that we went drinking, haha... that was awesome. We had some talks and some drinks. That's about it, I believe on what I spent my money on. I blew a lot on booze. LOL

So Halloween... it was awesome and I was really scary looking. (Not like it's hard... haha) We scared the living crap outta all the kids. Twas hilarious and awesssssome. I loved it. I'll post pics as soon as I get them from my Mama.

Speaking of my Mama, some of y'all know the bullshit that went down with my Mama and Pam on the 4th of July, well I think the fences are mended. I am keeping my distance with Pam and trying to not get too "involved" but on Halloween she really behaved herself and I'm having them both over to my house for Thanksgiving dinner. *proud*

In completely random news... remember when I went to the Rennaissance Festival @ the beginning of October? The Knight that I saw joust and I thought was a total hottie???

HE COMMENTED MY MUTHERFUCKING BLOG.

I shat myself.

Here's what he said:

"What a great blog, loved the part about the little girl and fountain! I am very happy you and your family had a great time at the Renaissance Festival and sorry I lost the joust ;)

Best,
Sir Matthew the knight in Red & Black"

http://jodieplatz.blogspot.com/2008/10/shine-on.html

Scroll to the bottom to see for yourself!! ^^

I fucking love love love it.

Definitely brightened my day. ;-)

Pic:



Perfection. I fucking loveeee this pic, but I can't find the HQ of it. Sucks balls.

xoxox

PS - I forgot, I also got 2 pairs of shoes. ;-)

Wonderful Fall

"Help, I have done it again,
I have been here many times before,
Hurt myself again today,
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame,
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me, I am small
And needy, warm me up
And breathe me..."

Today was wonderful!!! I got my first check for selling a song!!!!!!!!! AHH! It's incredible. In some way I feel like a real musician now... Like I've actually done something. I've sent my music into the world... Wow.

I *think* I know how I'm spending it... we'll see tomorrow... ;-)

Went to my Mama's for Halloween tonight and it was awesome blossom. I was a very scary ghoul/skeleton and made some kids cry. Haha... alright, I feel bad about that part. LOL

I did Pam's makeup for her to be a dead guy in a coffin. I rawked at it. I'll post pics as soon as I get em from my Mom. As the kids would come up I would pretend I was a statue or whatever and they would go on the porch and my Mom would say in an accent, "please pay your respects to me poor dead husband..." and then Pam would slowly open her eyes and sit up. There were tons of screams!!! As they came off the porch I would stand up and run after them. It was hilarious and I loveeeed it!!! Can't wait for next year!

I'm hungry. I had a piece of pizza today and that's all...

I've made a new friend! I got a friend request from a girl named Samantha a few days ago and we've been chatting, she's pretty cool beans. She called it "full circle" to find out that I was the girl who touched Justin at the end of HBO. Haha... I love it. We're hoping we run into each other when we go to NY because we'll be going around the same time...

So now instead of Pebble Beach Jennifer thinks she wants to go to Vegas... I don't know... girl's crazy!!!!!!

It's after midnight!!! ONE MONTH until my birthday. I can't fucking wait. It's the greatest day that there ever was. I adore it... *sigh* I love Halloween because it's the 31st and it's 31 days until my bday. WOO!

I'm stoked for Thanksgiving this year too. We're gonna have it here and I talked my Mama and Pam into coming over for it, so yay!!! I can't wait!!! It's going to be vegetarian and I was nervous to make a vegetarian dinner for my Dad and step mom because they are the definition of carnivore. LOL But Pam is a mostly vegetarian and my mom used to be, so I know they'll be on board. God, I can't wait!!!

Jennifer gave me an ultimatum today... Ingram Hill on the 18th or shopping Black Friday... I think she'll still let me get a couple things on Black Friday, but I chose Ingram Hill. I am not going to pick shopping over my mens. ;-)

Pic:



God, this sexy.

Abandoned

"If I had a father I might be stronger today,
If I had a brother, maybe I could stay straight,
If I was my mother, I'd get down and pray
And if it wasn't for my sister, I'd be dead today, hey..."

I've been aching to make music lately. *anxious*

Last night was interesting... Well first off - Tuesday night Jenn and I celebrated Matilda's third birthday with a cute little tea party where we had lil homemade pizza's. (English muffins, sauce and cheese. Yum) Afterwards we went over to Jasmine's and watched Shrek 3 and didn't get home until 4a. I just took my house keys off my whole keychain and attached them to my camera because it was easier that way...

Anyhow, so last night Jenn gets home and we're gonna go to the store to get some dinner and I am almost to the door and I was like, "Oh I guess I need keys." And so I go back to my purse and I grab my keychain and go walk out the door and as soon as the door closed behind me I looked down and realized I never put my house keys back on my keychain.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

When Jasmine moved out they changed the top lock, but not the bottom and obviously the bottom lock was all that was locked, but it was about 1:35a and Jasmine and Damon were already asleep... :-(

So we go to the grocery store and use their phone -- we had nothing with us other than money and the keys to the van... Jenn calls the landlady and asks her if on her way to work she can come let us in -- she's a principal @ a school like 2 blocks from us...

We drive back home and try pounding on Jasmine's door again... Nothing...

So then we try all the windows on the house... well I keep them locked for this very reason, LOL... Jenn says her windows are unlocked and I tell her to scale the house then or go steal a ladder. LOL

We talk for a while in the van both sitting up in the front and I ask Jennifer if the middle seats lay down so we can like, make a bed... she goes back there and starts fucking with the seats and we find out the middle seats fold forward and the seats go back and forth -- like forwards backwards... eventually we decide to take a nap and when I get back to the back back of the van I find out that they tilt back...

So I kinda made like a bed back there, but there was about a foot inbetween the seat we were laying on and the seat our feet and legs were on, Jenn seemed comfortable but I'm about 5"s taller than her and I can't sleep on my back so I was on my side and eventually I felt like my hip was gonna break.

There was a blanket in the van and Jenn used her jacket as a pillow, meanwhile my Hello Kitty was still in the van from Vegas and Kitty makes the best pillow. ;-) We slept for a while and I got cold... I saw a school bus go by... eventually the sun came up and Jenn went and knocked on Jasmine's door again -- Damon answered and gave her his keys he still had so we got in a little after 8a.

The landlady never came. I don't know what we would have done if Damon didn't have a key. :-(

Boy! I had to pee!!!

I applied Jennifer for like, a trillion jobs on Career Builder.com and she's had 2 interviews in 2 days and we just set up her acct 3 days ago. She's got tons of call backs. She wants to get the job that she interviewed for today.

It's working for CitiGroup as a financial advisor. She would help people get out of debt, plan retirement, etc... and make $40,000-$60,000/yr to start out.

*gasp*

That's a shit ton of money... to go from what she makes now... well let me put this in perscpective... working at just the one McD she makes $15,360 before taxes/overtime. (She still has yet to get her raise for being a certified manager, she should have gotten it back in August. *mad*) When she has two jobs, it's about $20,000

I think she said the most she ever made was when she was working at Thrifty and she made like $22,000.

Anyhow, so to make $40,000 with one job, whoaaaa. Awesome blossom. I can deal with that. I really hope she gets this job. If not this one she just had an interview to be an executive assistant that makes $12.50/hr. Also she's got an interview with H&R Block where during the tax season she's allowed to work open to close for extra overtime. Awesome. :-) So she's got tons on her plate here and they are ALL 6 steps up from McD. I am so proud...

Annnd, she promised to take me and my friend to PF Changs to celebrate and stuff since if it wasn't for us she wouldn't have gotten all these interviews! WOO!

Tonight?? Wine. I've been all about my wine lately. I probably had three bottles last week... well, doesn't that sound lovely. Haha...

Tomorrow?? Halloween!! Didn't get to carve a pumpkin this year... :-( Maybe I can talk Jennifer into letting me get one tonight and then I'll make seeds and such. YAY! I'm going to Mama's at 430, can't wait to scare the shit outta these lil fools!! WOO!

I've been sooo wanting to get my tattoo and my tragus piercing. Itching... Grrr... I want, want, want.

Anyhow, I reckon I don't have anything to say really and I've just been talking to myself on here recently, so yaaaa...

Pic:



Klariza, amazing photographer and Heath addict.

Clip:



Hilary Duff's new video. Sexxxy. HOT HOT HOT. Watch. You're welcome. ;-)

xoxox

I, Me. You.

Some will strut and some will fret
See this an hour on the stage
Others will not but they'll sweat
In their hopelessness and their rage
Were all the same the men of anger
And women of the page

They published your diary
And that's how I got to know you
The key to the room of your own and a mind without end
And here's a young girl
On a kind of a telephone line through time
And the voice at the other end comes like a long lost friend
So I know Im all right
Life will come and life will go
Still I feel its all right
Cause I just got a letter to my soul
And when my whole life is on the tip of my tongue
Empty pages for the no longer young
The apathy of time laughs in my face
You say each life has its place

The hatches were battened
The thunderclouds rolled and the critics stormed
The battle surrounded the white flag of your youth
If you need to know that you weathered the storm
Of cruel mortality
A hundred years later Im sitting here living proof

So you know you're all right
Life will come and life will go
Still you'll feel its all right
Someone will get a letter to your soul
When your whole life is on the tip of your tongue
Empty pages for the no longer young
The apathy of time laughed in your face
Did you hear me say each life has its place

The place where you hold me
Dark in a pocket of truth
The moon had swallowed the sun and the light of the earth
And so it was for you
When the river eclipsed your life
And sent your soul like a message in a bottle to me
And it was my rebirth

So we know were all right
Though life will come and life will go
Still you'll feel its all right
Someone will get a letter to your soul
Then you know you're all right
(when my whole life is on the tip of my tongue)
Then you feel youre all right
(empty pages for the no longer young)
And your hear dry you eyes
(you said)
And you know its all right
(each life has its place)
And your hear dry your eyes
(you said)
And you know its all right
(each life has its place)
And its all right
(itll be all right)

I'll Be The Melody, You Be My Drum

"She's so magic to me
Strangest things have happened
The way that you react to me
I wanna do something you can't imagine..."

I know I'm getting old... my knees and hips pop all the time. I have had knee issues for the longest time, but it's all getting worse lately. When I'm sitting cross legged my knee will get really tight and I haveeee to stretch it out. The other major concern with it is when I'm laying in bed it needs to be popped nearly constantly.

*worries* That's not good.

Last night we were supposed to do some drinking and more karaoking at Jasmine's but decided to forgo it and turn in early... I think we're going to do that tonight though. Jasmine came by earlier to ask if she could do a couple loads of laundry and expressed that she wanted us to come over and drink tonight and whatnot. :-D

*heavy sigh*

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and while I'm not actually sure where I wanna go with that I felt nearly compelled to tell you.

I've just been thinking so hard about what I want out of life... Unfortunately, most of that has to do with how people perceive me. I listed all those things in my blog the other day of what I want to be "when I grow up", and I really thought that somehow that might help me get closer to touching them.

I really want to be liked... loved... understood. I want to be somebody, but unfortunately you can't be somebody in someone's eyes unless you have a career. It's all defined by what you do. When making small talk, what do you say? "What's your name? What do you do for a living?" That's almost always the 2nd or 3rd question someone asks you... and sure they might not actually give a damn, but it's just what they define you by.

You job speaks levels about you.

"What do you do?"
"I work for McDonalds."
Translation [to them]: "I don't make much money and I don't have many career goals in life. I have never been to college."

"What do you do?"
"I'm a doctor."
Translation: "I make lots of money and I am probably better than you. I don't have time for this conversation."

"What do you do?"
"I'm a teacher."
Translation: "I care more about others than I do about myself and I look forward to shaping the young minds of America."

I've told people when I worked for McDonalds that I worked for McDonalds. I saw the cringe on their face. "Yeah... what do you do there?" Translation: "I feel really bad for you and I'm just trying to keep this conversation going."

When people ask me what I do, I tell them I'm a singer. 99% of them get that twinge in their voice that makes it go up a few notes to indicate their surprise. "Really?! Wow..." Then 70% of them respond back with this question: "Where do you sing?"

What the fuck?

The first couple times that I got that response I was taken aback and unprepared for an answer so, as usual, I pulled something out of my ass... Now I'm prepared.

"Um... *look at them like their stupid* Nowhere... I am/was signed to a record label and am currently recording/writing my album."

"Ohhhh..."

I guess I'm just not like some people and I don't really see the point of them asking that question. Anyhow... I understand that people are "defined" by their jobs, but... why?

I've been getting back into my eBaying again. haha. woo!

Well, I reckon I don't need to type a whole lot here...

Have a good night.

Pic:









Happy third birthday, Matilda! I hope you get [almost] everything you asked for, though I know one thing on your list that you can't have. It must be so hard to celebrate it without your Daddy. I know that he's thinking of you and watching over you on this fabulous day. The birthday's will get better, I promise. My first birthday without both my parents was also my third... Love and hugs.

xoxox

Amen Omen

"I live a hundred lifetimes in a day
But I die a little with every breath that I take..."

What to say, what to say... I'm making chili for dinner tonight... I'm pretty stoked about it, too. LOL I'm not sure that it matters what I say on here anymore because the people that used to comment my blogs all the time, don't anymore -- and I know that people still read it... but yaaar... I comment theirs. Just seems fair, to me. Tit -- tat.

Speaking of tats, I can't wait to get mine, somehow it's gotten pushed back a hundred times and I'm still not sure when I'm getting it. I'm supposed to be getting a couple checks here in the mail for selling my soul to the musical devil but alas... nothing. LOL (Note to self, check up on that...)

Haha, okay so I just called about my checks and I should get them before the end of November, apparently. So it looks like I might be getting a tattoo for my birthday again... that actually sounds like a plan. My birthday is only 35 days away... I hope to get my payments before then, but ehh if I don't.

...Since I'm going to be getting nearly $500 from the musical devil then I think I shall get 2 tattoos... and maybe a piercing... all things I had planned on getting, just might as well get them all at once. LOL

Anyhow, I'm not paying attn anymore, I doubt you are either.

Clip o tha Day:



I love when they told him to hit it "up the path" and he's just shocked. Haha he was still trying to play the ball! LOL Let it go, Justin...

Of course, probably the most annoying thing in this video is when Leticia tells him to have confidence. *growls* Ugaaaah... sorry, did you miss the golf tutorial? It's a silent sport, you aren't supposed to encourage the players during their game. *rolls eyes*

When she did it I would have turned around and smacked her, but I didn't think that would help Justin's game much at all either. LOL

xoxox

I'm Gonna Fight Em Off

"I am the damage, I am the relief
Sometimes I'm people,
I never hoped that I would be
If I take in whatever they turn out
Then what's that gonna make me now?
Don't you understand?
I'm not real anymore,
I am an illusion..."

I am burning my Heath mix CD... songs that can't help but remind me of him. Here's how it goes... some of them were associated with him, some of them were written for him and then some were played at his funeral.

Australia - The Shins
Seven Nation Army - White Stripes
Here Comes The Sun - The Beatles
The Times They Are A Changing - Bob Dylan
The Past and Pending - The Shins
These Days - Powderfinger
Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
Superstition - Stevie Wonder
River Man - Nick Drake
Morning Yearning - Ben Harper
Bulletproof Weeks - Matt Nathanson
Who You'd Be Today - Kenny Chesney
Ol Man River - Paul Robenson
Crystal - Fleetwood Mac
You Are Mine - Mute Math
Happy Ever After In Your Eyes - Ben Harper

What's your favorite song on the list? Or which song reminds you the most of Heath Ledger?

Well, this morning Jennifer quit her 2nd McDonalds job. She's just been getting more and more burnt out on McD. I don't blame her. From 5a-1230a everyday she lived and breathed McD... she will for a minute get to spend more time with me which makes me happier, but she is looking for another job.

You know, some people get confused and twisted thinking that Jennifer works two jobs to pick up for my slack, or because she doesn't make enough at the first job, which is complete shit. This girl has worked two jobs since she was 16 years old... it's just what she does. She's an Aquarius they're workaholics who don't know how to stop... do you think that Justin works all the time because he needs the money? No... it's just in his nature. If it were up to me she would just work one job because then I would get to spend more time with her... so I hope that I have finally set the record straight.

Imma miss when Jenn quits McD all together... I love free specialty coffees. ;-)

You know, I put an obscene amount of lotion on my feet every night before bed and fuck me, they're dry.

Wanna hear something weird? You don't really have a choice, I'm going to tell you anyhow...

So Bella did something unthinkable the other day -- I'm not going to tell you what it was because it's disgusting... anyhow, so she was a very, very bad girl... so bad that I decided to cage her for a while -- so I put her into her cage and she didn't fight it and she just laid right down and was quiet until Jennifer came home... wtf? I can lock her in the bathroom or something and she will bitch moan and cry until she's unbearable to listen to anymore... Anyone wanna help me out with that?? LOL

I finally loaded my videos from Vegas to my youtube. You can access them through my acct or here's the direct link to what I have. Comments = Love.

Like I Love You, End of Like I Love You, Ayo, This Love, Esmee and Justin's duet, and Cry Me A River. CMAR and Esmee's song with Justin (which he wrote for her new album) are the only full clips.

Let me know what you think... also on my acct there are two Boyz II Men clips. End of the Road and Motown Philly.

So tonight in celebration of Jennifer not having to get up early tomorrow we're gonna get drunk and karaoke with Jasmine and her peeps that are apparently living at her house with her or something... *shrugs* Who knows... More the merrier or something like that.

I've said it for years and years but I'm not an intermediate partier... I like either small groups or 2-4 or huge parties of 20-100... Anywhere from 5-49 people and I just get anxiety, so we'll see how tonight works out, I'm not sure how many people are going to be there... *worries*



Jennifer has decided that she doesn't want to go to NYC for her birthday anymore... I suggested we go to Pebble Beach for the PGA tournament out there once I heard at the golf clinic that Justin was going to be there and so she's pushed NYC back until Heath's birthday... which actually kinda works out for me... I get to see Justin just 10 days or so after his birthday and I get to be "with" Heath on his.

Heath will wait for me.

Okay that last part sounded a lil crazy.

xoxox