Change Gon' Come

"You'll always be mine,
Cupid only misses sometimes..."

I had planned on getting up last night and turning my computer back on last night to write the blog I'm about to write... I should have done it last night because now I'm at a loss for everything I was going to say.


I honestly wonder what will come when I die...

I made promises to myself and others that on my 24th birthday a change would come... and I've at least kept one promise I made -- I have not eaten meat, I will not eat meat.

I trail in and out of consciousness on a daily basis, and it's seeming like this blog is my only way of crying and voicing my opinions for those to read unbiasedly. Unfortunately, those who love me, love me conditionally. With terms, like a DVD player or an iPod.

They feel like I should come with terms and conditions and they'll love me as long as I follow them. The Jodie they met however long ago is what they expect me to be now, and let's face it - I'm not brand new, I'm not just out of the package. I have some scratches and dings and I sure as hell don't run the same as I did when you bought me.

I don't have a warranty, and so if I'm broken instead of working on me and fixing what's wrong, they just wanna set me aside in a drawer and hope I'll work the next time they take me out to play with me.

Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

I constantly find myself saying, "Jodie, you've gone crazy..." and you know what I've learned over the past year? Breakdowns aren't that beautiful... yes, in some ways it's completely organic and I feel more alive when I'm "crazy" -- more beautiful... but it's so ugly for others, the way I know they look at me, the way I hear them talk about me... etc.

I know that what I have for Heath isn't normal and sometimes it breaks my heart, sometimes it causes me agony to look at his precious face. There is a time every day that I have to remind myself that he's really gone... it doesn't feel like it - I still feel him.

There are many times when I just want to be with him - at all costs - when I type something out like that, I know I'm absolutely insane. I know that must sound like I'm a crazy stalker chick, which I'm not -- I just am so intrigued by his presence and I never got to experience that sort of bliss that would accompany it so I ache for it.

xoxox