I Could Go For A Nap

"Old man look at my life I'm a lot like you were...
Old man look at my life, 24 and there's so much more,
Live alone in a paradise, that makes me think of two,
Love lost, such a cause, give me things that don't get lost
Like a coin that won't get tossed,
Rolling home to you..."

When I came to Panera today to spend the day in the world, I don't think I predicted the amount of boredom that I would suffer. I was bored within the hour of getting here. There's not much you can do when you have to reply to one email...

One day... one day I will wake up and I will have messages waiting for me in my inbox. I will have comments on my myspace... I will have awaiting text messages and missed phone calls... however, that will be too late.

Why can't people give a damn? I give 3 damns for all of you. There just isn't anyone who cares back. I have too much love for everyone. I need to stop caring so goddamn much.

I invited everyone I know to my birthday and no one cares enough to just tell me that they aren't going to make it... they care so little for me that they can't pull an excuse out of their ass. Wow. I do so much for these people... I go to their parties, I travel all the way across Kansas City into the boondocks to make it to the events that are important to them... but when it comes time to do something for me -- MIA.

What gives???

I don't reckon any of the people I'm talking about read this, but whatevs.

You know? I've always been the girl who followed the other girls around, the girl who never got to pick what game we played, the girl who wanted to be the other girl, the girl who wanted to be popular.

I was pretty popular in NKC... I had friends in every group of people, but of course I'm not still friends with those people... doesn't matter anyhow.

But why am I still being that girl? Why do I still go around looking for approval of these people who really don't give two shakes about me? I guess I figure eventually they'll come around and love me... I guess I figure that I need them in some way... perhaps I'll think that I'll look lame if I cut them all out and have 3 people on my myspace.

I always wonder what would happen if I just disappeared, vanished... if anyone would really notice... I doubt they would. Sure, Jenn would notice, Gemma... Rachel... but other than that?? Nada.

And with Gemma, Rachel and Jennifer? I'm just following them, they get to be the everything and I get to be the backup.

I am depressed beyond belief. I keep thinking of things that would fix it, but none of the things I come up with would really work... so I sit and stew. My heart jumps every time I see the lil number on my inbox go up... but then again, it's just a notice from iTunes... it's just a newsletter from Borders books... it's just spam.

Why do I look for the satisfaction of comments and emails online? Is that really love? I sure see it as that way so much that when I get none, I'm empty of love. Go ahead and think what you will of me... go ahead and say what you're going to say -- that I'm loved, I don't need that falsification... blah... I don't believe you. I smile and nod because I follow you...

Following you... can I really respect you? No. Is that really friendship? No... so do I really have any friends? Real ones? No.

What do I have?

I have my music. I have my movies, Heath Ledger, my dog, my bunny, my health, my sanity, my looks... But really, what is that? Nothing.

I am utterly devastated that my birthday is canceled. I canceled it last year too... last year sucked. 22 rocked... 21 wasn't bad. Haven't gotten a new coat since 20... 19 was a disaster... 18 was alright... 17 was okay... 16 was the worst... 15 I can't remember.

I am so happy that Jennifer got this new job, but it's costing me my birthday. The one day I look forward to... from December 2nd back around until November 30th it's all I care about. I adore it. It's MY day. Jennifer says that she got my actual birthday off... well la-di-dah. That doesn't do much for me, does it? Geez.

We aren't going to have any money to do anything thus we're going to sit on the stupid-God-if-I-have-to-look-at-this-in-2009-I'll-kill-myself-couch... just like every other day. She didn't think to get off Wednesday (3rd) which is the day we're forced to celebrate my birthday on because that's payday... the day that I invited EVERYONE I know to dinner and drinks... she didn't think to get off Friday... the day she promised we'd go to the club...

Didn't think about any of that... just my birthday. WTF?

A birthday is only as good as it's celebration and we're not going to even have enough money to MAKE a cake on that day.

So what does she say when we're arguing about this in the car last night?? "I promise next year will be better."

I wanted to swerve the car into a ditch.

FUCK YOU.

FUCCCCK YOU.

FUCKKKKKK YOU!!!!

It's not even my birthday yet and you're basically saying it's going to be shit and there's nothing you're going to do about it... that you give up and better luck next year. FUCK YOU. God dammit that pissed me off.

Annnnd, that's when my birthday got canceled. *wipes hands* There's nothing I can do about it.

Some thingsEverything is just more important than my one day a year.

xoxox