Second Chances

"The one thing I hate
The numb and the fake,
The gutless who rape,
The jaws of a snake
We all need a best friend
We can trust with our lives until the end,

And there won't be a dry eye in the house tonight,
Blackened blue eyes, I don't care too much
For second chances, Blackened blue eyes,
I don't care too much For final chances..."

That song is actually exactly how I'm feeling at the moment. Except I've got blackened green eyes, not blue.

Tonight is going to be a very long night. It's only 8:30 and Jenn won't be home until almost 1. When she gets home I'm making dinner and we're drinking ourselves into oblivion. Gotta take a bath tonight before she gets home... that will pass some of the time.

So I downloaded all this music over the past 2 days. Still I've got more that I want to download... Let's see what I got: The Twilight Score, Viva La Vida by Coldplay, The three disc set of Frank Sinatra's platinum collection, the new Jason Mraz, Katy Perry, Kings of Leon, Lady Gaga, Led Zeppelin I and II, Muse, the new Pink, and the fantastical Van Morrison. Plus a few random songs by the Ramones, Fleetwood Mac and others.

Right now I've got "Blackened Blue Eyes" by The Charlatans on repeat. Seems to suit me at the moment.

My mom called today, she's called 2 times in the past 2 days and I never returned the call... so I finally answered, even though I was in the middle of watching a TV show... she had a "fantastic" idea about "sending" me to live with her uncle Alex. (So what's he to me then? Great uncle? Something like that... I've never met him, I don't believe.) She wants to send me to live with him to "straighten me out".

Alex lives in Connecticut right next to NYC and would teach me "how to 'make it' in the big city." I said, "what's this 'straighten me out' thing? What? Send me there so I can work, work, work and live my life for the man?"

I have recently been ever so resentful of the man. I don't want a normal job. I would never be able to hold one. I've bitten my tongue my entire life and listened to what "elders" and "authority figures" have told me to do and I am sick and tired of it. Where has that gotten me? Obviously, nowhere... I want to be free. I want to do photography. I want to act. I want to do music. I want to express myself freely through art as I have my entire life. I want to be an artist.

So she explained to me that Alex was different from all the other parts of "that side" of my family and that it wouldn't be about work. That he would "PUSH" (she emphasized PUSH) me to do whatever I wanted to do. (She used examples such as Broadway or my music career.)

So from there, where does my mind go? Jennifer. "What about Jennifer?" "Well, can't you two take a break from each other for a while?" "No."

And that was that... until I text Jennifer and told her all of everything and she automatically thought that my mom was trying to get Jennifer away from me... (*rolls eyes* she always overreacts.) Anyhow, so now Jennifer is pro-Connecticut.

I am starting to think that I don't really have a lot of say in what goes on in my life.

What am I supposed to do? Up and leave Missouri? I'm sorry, I spelled that wrong... Misery. Yes, we all know that I don't want to be here... but I can't view a path of life that doesn't involve Jennifer and she wouldn't be coming to Connecticut.

I'm sure there are many people out there who would say "a time apart from Jennifer could be beneficial to both of you..." Well, just go fuck yourself, would ya? Being apart from Jennifer is not what I want. Let me make that crystal, for ya. Jennifer has saved my life... literally and figuratively... I've lived with her since I was 17. The longest I've been away from her was when I was in LA for a week... we work well together. She's my other half... and I'm supposed to just up and leave her?? Just like that? To go to Connecticut?

...This doesn't make sense.

This guy Alex... how's he really gonna help me? He's going to "PUSH" me? (I'm starting to resent the word.) He can push me to be on Broadway? He can push me to be a singer? What can he do? What can he really do? I guess he could fuel my fantasia. He could give me inner strength to go out there and try my hardest, but really what's he gonna do?

...I guess these are questions for Alex.

I'm actually more amenable to the idea than I imagined I would be... and so is Jennifer... which is weirding me out and making me feel unloved, if I can be honest.

It's like I'm transferable. I'm exchangable. I thought Jennifer would want me, would want to help me with her... I get that maybe she's seeing that I need outside help and sees that maybe Alex can be that one... who knows.

I really don't know much on this at the moment. Hopefully I'll learn more, who knows.

I'm still waiting on my mom to call me back.

Pic of the Day:





















10 days...

xoxox