T R A I N W R E C K: Look, It's Jesus!

"On my deathbed I will pray,
To the Gods and the angels,
Like a Pagan to anyone,
Who will take me to Heaven,
To a place I recall,
I was there so long ago,
The sky was bruised,
The wine was bled,
And you led me on..."

Alright... it's time.

Disclaimer: please remember these are my single opinions, just like anyone in this beautiful world, I'm trying to find my place.

24 years... I've been wandering this earth for 24 years. Almost a quarter of a century. Wow. [remember to freak out @ next birthday] In those 24 years I've been through a great deal and throughout I've relied on my family and friends to turn to for support. What do others have that I never had? Faith and religion.

The word faith is nice. It means a lot... but somehow whenever I hear it I think of religion... I have faith, sure... is it religious faith? No.

I wasn't raised religious. I had no knowledge of religion my entire childhood. My mum's parents are strict Christians - imagine their surprise when they produced a lesbian pagan daughter! - my Dad never spoke of religion, I have no idea if my grandma Vivian was religion. She was quite independent and a woman's rights sort of person... Not that that's of any relevance towards religion.

My mama taught me of some pagan/wiccan things when I was young, which I loved. High priestesses and dancing naked in the moonlight by the fire. (Betcha didn't know that part of my childhood.) Spells and incantations, binding and not so much "praying" as just putting what good thoughts you had into the wind... into the universe and letting them reach those who needed them.

As I grew older I didn't want to dance naked anymore, understandably. People had tried to "save" me many times. I was ridiculed at my 2nd high school freshman year because I was a "witch". My entire life religion has, in a way, haunted me. I've never known what was real and what to believe.

Around 2004 or something I decided I wanted to learn what it was to be a Christian. Jenn and I picked a Baptist church and went. Within going once I felt like it was a cult. Immediately they want you to "join" and they wanted to pray to save my soul since I had lived so long without taking Jesus Christ as my savior. [Jesus, I'll come back to you in a minute...]

They tried to scare me into believing that if I didn't accept him in my life to control my every thought of the day that if I got into a car wreck from leaving the church that I would go straight to Hell. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

I believed it. I let them brainwash me temporarily.

I attended a couple services, but always felt like I was in a cult. That's the same way I've felt every time I've ever been to church. I've gone to Jenn's parents church a few times, my grandparents... etc. Cult.

I mentioned something of religion about a year ago to my step mom, who of course helped raise me... I said something to the effect of, "we weren't religious, we didn't go to church." She snapped back, "we were religious, we just didn't go to church."

Not once was God, Jesus or the bible mentioned [to my knowledge] in our house from the time I was 4 until I was 11 when I moved out and in with my mom in Kansas City.

I did some harping on what I truly believed recently and suddenly it came to me like a smack in the face.

(Try and keep up.)

"They" say that if you don't accept Jesus as your savior that when you die you'll go to Hell.
"They" say that "Jesus" died for your sins. And because of that, all your sins are forgiven...
"They" also say that you do 'this', 'that' and the 'other' and you'll go to Hell. (Murder, being gay, wearing pants as a woman...)

All these contradictions suffocate me. I don't understand how Christians can handle all the inconsistencies of this "religion". If there was a Jesus, and "Jesus" really died for your sins, making them forgiven... wouldn't that mean that there are no sins? Or at least that the point of sins are moot. Meaning, if you're gay, if your murder, if you wear pants and have a vagina -- shouldn't you still be allowed into Heaven?

I tell you, not once in my 24 years did I ever believe in Hell. NOT ONCE. I believe in "personal Hells". But earth has to be Hell compared to what happens after death. I don't believe in one specific Heaven. I think it's personally tailored to what you believe.

How can "they" tell you that you're going to "hell" if "Jesus" died for all your sins to be forgiven?

...it doesn't matter.

I don't believe in Jesus. I think he's something of a fictional character. Like, someone decided to write about him... I do believe in God, but I call him Nature. Everything is God. I do believe in a higher power, because this universe didn't just create itself. But I also believe in science. Science is facts, the bible is an outdated story book.

Don't get me wrong here, everyone has their own beliefs and convictions. If you believe in Jesus and the Christian God, more power to you. You were probably raised believing those things. I was left to find my own beliefs and this is what I came up with based on all the inconsistencies in Christianity and the facts that I've seen to be true.

I don't like to pigeonhole myself into a specific grouping, but I reckon I would be agnostic. I'm not an atheist, because I do believe in God.

So there you have it. I have finally decided. I feel quite free and powerful with this personal knowledge.

Playlist:

1. Like A Stone - Audioslave (Always adored this song, it fits perfectly with my blog today. Perfect.)
2. Personal Jesus - Manson (Seriously, Manson rocks the casbah.)
3. Paperthin Hymn - Anberlin (It's a nice sweet rock love song.)
4. The Truth About Heaven - Armor For Sleep (Sweet lil suicide song... Really is nice.)
5. I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab for Cutie (I love Death Cab so hard and this song is amazing. LISTEN TO THIS.)