JUST TAKE IT IN, TRUST WHAT I SAY IS TRUE AND DONT MENTION IT TO ME EVER AGAIN.
READ IT BUT PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED.
What's going to happen when someday I check Google News and it says "Justin Timberlake Dead At 27"? Or maybe it won't be 27, it will be 28, 30, 32, 45, 61, 79, 98...
What's going to happen then? What will happen to me?
Everyday I click that link on my BlackBerry to take me to Google News, everyday I click it I hold my breath that I don't read that. Everyday I think to myself, "whatif today is the day that he dies..."
Everyday.
It's not normal for someone to think about that kind of thing everyday.
I once had a dream that was so vivid I woke up crying... a dream where he died in the beginning of it and I was forced to watch what happened to the rest of the world. I didn't know what to do with what I had seen so I turned it into a fan fiction. I shared it with Gemma and she said it was the saddest thing she had ever read. It was heartwrenching to watch myself walk up to his coffin at his funeral.
What's going to happen to me?
They say "the world doesn't revolve around you..." and I suppose that's both true and false... it's true because when you die, life goes on -- but for you, the world stops. Life stops for you, it's your time to get off, so for you -- the world has ended.
Well, I know what happens to me if I die -- life will proceed and people will be sad, but what happens when the person I care about most in this world dies??
I've only lost two people in my life... 2 Grandma's. I might not be sad when my third one leaves because she's an evil person, I might be sad when my Grandpa dies because he was a good man, I won't be sad when my Uncle Kurt dies because he's fucked up everything... I will be devestated when my Uncle Les dies because he was extraordinary... I will be sad when my Mom dies because she helped raise me and cares for me a lot... I wouldn't know how to live if Jennifer died... I would feel extreemly guilty and broken if Bella dies... I will feel like God is tourturing me, and personally trying to hurt me when my Mama and my Daddy die... I reckon it's something that everyone has to go through, but everyday I dread it.
But I'm not sure how I will react when Justin dies.
Jennifer says I'll spiral downwards and I'll starve myself, drink myself silly and retract myself from the world. I'm sure she's right.
I think that everyone in my phone book will call me to see "how I'm doing" and they'll think that they're the ones breaking the news to me.
Let me tell you something... if Justin dies tomorrow -- I don't want sympathy, no one will feel like I will feel because no one will know the type of connection we had. That's for me to know.
I'm not sure if I will want to carry his memory on or if it might be easier to remove him from my life all together. Those are things I won't know until it happens.
Here's what I do know ---
1. Don't say RIP -- I hate it. Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate
I HATE RIP.
2. I'll talk about it when I'm ready to talk about it. (Which might not be for deacades.)
3. Don't be surprised when you can't get ahold of my. My technology will be shut off... I will just be in my room, with my dog, crying and sleeping and all around medicated.
4. Just because you know that my phone will be turned off doesn't mean that I don't expect a call from you...
When I do turn on my phone -- how's it going to make me feel if I don't see any missed calls from anyone?? Baaad.
Jennifer and I have talked about Justin dying more times than I would like to admit. It comes into my mind every day and I can't let it go... it's because I've always had this feeling that he was going to die young -- yet I when I envision him I see his old, balding and grey...
I can't place it. Perhaps one is my fear and one is my future... unfortunately, I'm not strong enough to decipher which one is his fate.
I'm sorry that I can't be stronger
I'm sorry it's taking me longer,
to get to the point of what I need
and where I want to go
I'm sorry I can't be wiser
I'm sorry I can't be higher
But what you need is for me
To take you to the other side
I'm sorry I can't live longer
I'm sorry I've gotten wronger
It's not up to me to decide your fate
It's yours, so I'll just sit and wait.
xoxox
