End Up Where I Started

"I lied and told her I loved her, she didn't care, but anyway..."

Sorry I've been MIA - I was doing so good for a while there! Crap.

The past week has been hella. Just hella. Not hella anything, just hella.

Thursday I got my industrial piercing... tis badass and I love it.

The other day I had to go back and get a longer post put in because [almost] every piercing I've ever had (save for ear lobes, tragus and my nose) has swollen tremendously.

When I had my navel pierced it actually bruised the skin around my belly button. It was nasty. That was my first major piercing and I thought it was infected or something... Nope just swollen. My lip swelled as well, not bad enough to bruise, but bad enough to effing hurt like a mothertrucker and not want to eat or drink anything. The ear? It was weird to see it swollen. It was very red and very tender and when she changed the post it hurt worse than when I actually got it pierced. Insane.

The actual piercing was quite an experience. She marked my ear and all that and I had never had a cartilage piercing before, but I expected it to fucking hurt, you know? She did the top one (closest to my head) first... I guess my ear was kinda tough and she couldn't get it through, but even with a bunch of pressure on it from the needle it didn't hurt that bad...

But it did make me more nervous for the second piercing.

I had read that with the industrial piercing (which is one of the most complicated piercings... loads of people had problems and issues with them and they take twice as long to heal...) that after the first piercing all the blood rushes to your ear so the second one hurts more than the first. I didn't find that to be the case whatsoever. The blood did rush to my ear; I actually bled a lot with the piercing, (my tragus was messy too.) but it was worth it. (You can see blood in my hair in the above pic. That was taken right after I got it done, so yep, it's red.)

I think in about a year or so I would like to have an industrial in my other ear. I still want my tragus pierced on my left side as well... then I'm done with piercings. (I think.)

Today I got my tickets to the Twilight Convention. I hate the fact that the tickets had already been sent out when I found out that Jackson canceled. It hurts me to hold them in my hand. Burns.

9 days until Vegas. I was a little shocked when I woke up this morning, turned on my computer and saw that we were down to the single digits! Pretty crazy. I can't wait to take hella photos in Vegas. HELLA.

I Know.

"These eyes behold a lot of what these hands cannot..."

16 days until Vegas! Can't wait! Tis all... we'll chat about it later. ;)

Last night was EPICAWESOME. I got to meet one of my Twitterfriends, Sarah. She's basically the cats pajamas. XD

We met at Panera on the Plaza and sat and talked for a few hours about everything from her knitting addiction to Ingram Hill and NSYNC, Twitter and back again to knitting. At the end of the night she gave me a scarf that she made. :) It was soooo sweet of her and I love it! The colors are soo beautiful and it means a lot to me because she MADE it. How cool are people who knit? (The coolest.)

We hope to see each other again when Ingram Hill tours. :) Yayayaya!

Can I just say that Twitter is probably the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me? I would like to just put that out there right now. I've met some of the most badass awesome people in the universe... err... Twitterverse. Twitter for President!

Pic of the Day:

I took this photo outside the MGM Grand in 2007.

16 days and I cannot fucking wait.

Manifestation

I manifest your face just to lightly touch air,

I pretend that I'm here with you,

That's neither here nor there,

I saturate myself in your fantasy,

Crying as I draw on your lines,

It's as simple and complex as it can be,

To think about you all the time.

Never Gonna Catch Me

"You say 'don't buy dope from the man you don't know',

I don't know you won't,

Don't get stuck in his pickup truck,

In arms reach from his seat man, you're out of luck..."

Burned the shit outta my finger last night while I was trying to make eggs. :( My Batman bandaid will make it all better. :)

Thursday I'm getting my industrial piercing... I'm so nervous and stoked at the same time. I heard that the first piercing doesn't hurt so bad but then the second one hurts cuz all the blood rushes to your ear... course, then people told me that my tragus was going to "hurt", that my navel was going to "hurt", that my nose was going to "hurt"... that tattoos would "hurt"... I definitely have a higher threshold (and different definition) of pain.

Sometime this week I guess I have to finish clothes shopping for the Vegas. I'm really facking stoked to be out of Misery Missouri. 17 days... 17 days.

Jennifer asked her chairperson for the tournament if she could work more hours... She's now volunteering 65 hours... she wrote a blog about why. Read it (and comment!) here.

In other random news - I hate where I live... again. I hate living with people. I am such a loner... a recluse... that I just can't stand people. Plus, I don't trust anyone. Hate it. Hate it here. Hate it, want to move. Jennifer keeps telling me to "be nice", and to "cut Laura some slack cuz she's pregnant"...

Eh. Idontwanna.

Picture of the Day:

J. Rad and J. Action. 'Nuff said.

Disappointment

"Shoot from the back and take good aim,

Make sure I'm dead; bang, bang.

'Cause I'm a rat, there's no mistake,

Under the bed where you sleep,

Crush the skull and make me tame,

Sweep it up, hide it away.

No morals shown in no way explained,

Stupid human, shit for brains."

(Quite true for how I feel right now, also my new favorite song. The Confederate - "The Rat")

I would trade all my tomorrows, for one single yesterday. - Janis Joplin

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. - The Beatles

Let's start with yesterday... Yesterday was [for the most part] a FANTASTIC day! I started my day out thinking that I was going to see a kickass 100 Monkeys interview... and it was kickass BADASS!

After meeting [most of] the Monkeys at the Spencer Bell Legacy show I was lucky enough to think that we had left a mark on [most of] them. I knew that there was no way in hell that Ben Graupner would forget my girlfriend and I. (Not a chance in the hottest part of hell, to be honest.) Well, after seeing [THIS] video yesterday, I most definitely know that to be true!

At the 6:12 mark they start to talk about [THIS] list of the top TEN hands. In which the interviewer, Narwuar, credits her for writing the post and then Ben Graupner does 2 things... he mouthes my girlfriend's her name and then he speaks her name and says thank you.

:D

Basically all we did yesterday was EEEEEEEEEEEEEEP about this! Twas amazing.

Then today.

Oh today...

Today, today, today...

I never mentioned anything about it on my blog (I know, how unlike me...) but Genn and I had planned to go up to Chicago for the Twilight Convention to meet Jackson Rathbone...

This morning I checked the Creation Entertainment site (like I have done everyday for the past 200 days...) to "just be sure" that he was going to be there... and today... today, he canceled.

I cried. I cursed. I tried my hardest to not shut down... and had I not been on the phone with Genn when I found out I would have had a panic attack, screamed and bawled. I didn't because I couldn't bare to think of her "seeing" me like that. If I hadn't been on the phone with her I can honestly say that I would be in the floor right now... she made sure I didn't fall. I can't promise that for the next week or two I won't have moments of deep sadness filled with tears, screams, cursing the devil Summit... but... eventually I will come to terms with it all and be okay.

*nods*

I. Will. Be. Okay.

It's just that for the last 200+ days, we have looked forward to this... we talked about it nearly daily...

I digress...

I wrote an open letter to Summit for WeAllShouldCare.com today. You should read it. [HERE]

Picture of the Day:

Quite possibly my favorite photo of Jackson. Every time I look at this photo, I laugh. :) It's good that he can make me laugh at a time like this.

I'll just have to stick to this being the only photo of "us" for now... for now.

F I F T E E N

"Fifteen!" She says, "It's almost here!"

We'll drink, we'll dance and have some beer vodka.

S I X T E E N

When I started this at T W E N T Y

I didn't think it through,

I'm just a-writing for my honey,

To give her something to look forward to,

Now I'm only at sixteen,

and am sick of all the rhymes,

There's not much that rhymes with "teen"

and I'm losing my fucking mind!

Now In Stereo!

"Oh my god, the wings on fire,

Oh my god, this suckers gonna hit the ground..."

[[Just a quick question - do you still torture yourself by coming to my blog? *giggles* I don't know what I just randomly thought of you... oh probably because you were super jealous that I went to MI... that I'm in love and oh, just wait till we get to October, bb... it's gonna melt your motherfucking mind.]]

Big freaking OOPS for yesterday. After I wrote my "Eighteen" poem I started a blog, I got my icon and my lyrics all set out and then I had some ADD and forgot to finish it, so I finished it today. Scroll down, bitch.

It smells in my room.

Like dog.

Ew.

Yesterday I had to kick iTunes ass. My computer was being wonky so I decided to backup my iTunes. I had added 2,000 some odd songs since my last backup and yeaaaah, it was time. So I started my backup, it said it was going to take 9 DVDs, I'm like, "shit. You're raping me..." but I committed, then I start disc one backup and after the first disc is complete, iTunes says, "peace out, home slice." SHUTS OFF and then my computer won't give me back my DVD until I restart.

*le sigh*

So now I'm not sure if that DVD even backed up, so I guess I'll just re-backup the ENTIRE catalog. FML.

Dunno when I'm gonna finally get around to doing that... someone remind me again in a few days or something...

Finally downloaded iTunes 9 last night, still haven't fucked with it, but it looks badass.

Pic of the Day:

Wow.

So many words, yet not enough to describe this photo.

Every single time I look at Jerad's face I crack the fuck up. I cannot help it. He's expressing EXACTLY how I feel about this and lord, thank god I wasn't there. I woulda ripped that girl off the table and told her to put some fucking clothes on. My goodness.

Look at Jackson... he looks like, "OMG. Is this shit really happening?"

Girl, if you're gonna wear something like that, don't wear it to a Monkeys show. You look like "Ugly Girl". You're too big to wear those clothes, sweetheart. Next time, let's shoot for "CLASSY"!

S E V E N T E E N

Seventeen, seventeen,

Seventeen days is really mean,

Aren't we done yet with the "teens"?

Guess not.

We're just at seventeen.

Oops

"Silver moonlight, soaking up the amber waves,

In the heat of fire, I called your name..."

I filled this out yesterday and I forgot to post it.

Have a pic of the yesterday:

He's right, you know? I would KILL to photograph him.

E I G H T E E N

These eighteen days cannot be blamed;

They do not know what they're doing to us,

These days do not know the hollow ache in my chest,

They do not know how I'm torn apart,

Fighting eighteen days until I'm with my heart.

Everything Ends

"Let me give my love to you,

Let me take your hand,

And as we walk in the dimming light,

Oh darling, understand,

That everything, everything ends..."

How do we like the new layout? New fonts, new colors! Revampage! I thought I needed something a little more reflective of the way I feel on the inside and right now I feel like light, cream colors. ^_^

I went icon crazy and saved a SHITTON of them, so no more repeats. I know I haven't used repeats much, there are still many icons that I have saved and haven't used, but now I have a new batch to dazzle you with.

So last night were the VMAs. I don't own a TV, so I didn't watch them, but I did get drunk on a live blog with people who were watching them! That has to count for something! I saw the "most talked about moments" today, so I don't really feel like I missed anything.

Last night was actually extraordinary. After the VMAs were over I talked to Genn on the phone for many hours. We talked about everything... Vegas... life... deep stuff... funny stuff. It was amazing.

I ended up taking my blanket out into the front yard and laid out there talking to her, drinking a beer and loving the moment. It was very picturesque. Laying under my oak tree, drinking, laughing, being 110% in the moment. That doesn't happen with me often, where I find myself completely enthralled in the now... Not thinking about later, not wishing I was somewhere else... just... at peace.

The song of the day is the new Death Cab song, "Meet Me On The Equinox" which is the lead single off the New Moon soundtrack. I've had it on repeat for almost two hours. (Yes... advance.)

You know, I almost hate that all my favorite bands do the Twilight thing. Then when people hear that I like them they assume that it's because of the Twilight bandwagon. Like Mute Math and Muse for instance? Loved them way long before the Twilight thing and now it's like all the fans of them are Twilighters. *rolls eyes* I don't really feel the same goes with Paramore, actually. Surprisingly. I love Paramore, and loved them before Twilight, but I do find a lot of long time fans with that band.

Now, I'm scared that the same with go for Death Cab. There's going to be all these 13 year olds with braces holding up the Transalantacism album going, "I loveeee this!" Meanwhile... no. Just. No. I've loved Death Cab for far too many years to see that happen to them. I swear I'll cry.

I'm not sure who else is going to be on the soundtrack. It's release is slated for October 20th. I am sure it'll be amazing, and I don't mean to bitch about the Twilight soundtrack - I actually think it was a wonderful soundtrack. One of the best I've heard since Almost Famous - it's the fans and their bandwagonisms that aggravate me.

Pic of thaaa Day:

Jackson in Dread. Slated for a Jan 2010 release.

I watched a preview/behind the scenes thing on Dread last night and before I was dreading seeing this film... (yep, I went there.) It's about using people's fears against them in what seemed to me an almost Saw-type way.

After watching this preview I was on the edge of my seat and wanted to see the movie, like NOW.

There was a part at the end of this three minute preview that had Jackson getting an axe... dragging it slowly up some stairs... and then it showed him taking the axe to a door. I literally gasped! (Then I rewound it like, four times...) It. Was. Amazing. I cannot wait to see this film!

N I N E T E E N

What is there to say about nineteen?

It's one less day than yesterday,

Still more than tomorrow, I'm afraid

But it's one less day that I'm in pain.

T W E N T Y

Twenty days until I kiss you,

Twenty days until I hold you in my arms,

Twenty days more to miss you,

Twenty nights that will seem too long,

Twenty days until I feel the curve of your body,

Twenty days until I feel your heat,

Twenty days until your fingers are laced with mine,

Twenty days until I am complete.

Read Between The Lines

I wonder what you'll think

Can you figure this one out?

Talk to me behind my back

In and around the town

Evasive speak, I still understand

Ways that you still love me

To make you wish you were still around

Make you wish you had me

You never know just what to do

Hear that train a-coming?

What the fuck you gonna do?

I think I'd get to running.

Don't think that you'll escape me

Say something to my face

Three Fold

Your beautiful words leave me breathless,

When you speak to me, I forget to breathe,

There's not enough words in the english language to say

That you've got me down on my knees.

I'm sure you could articulate it better,

If you felt the same way, that is,

But truth be told,

I love you three fold,

And that's the best that I've got to give.

Abstract Art

I would love to be up for interpretation,

Like I was a beautiful abstract at a gallery,

People would stop and breathe me in thinking,

"God, it's so beautiful," taking with me which parts they chose,

They could break me apart piece by piece and I wouldn't be offended

At the end of the day, I would still be art, I would still be beautiful

They do that to me now, but it's not the same,

Breaking me down, piece by piece,

Talking about me like I'm not there,

Staring me down and hating my colors,

"God, she's so disgusting," picking apart which things they hate,

I am offended because at the end of the day,

I'm not a painting or a sculpture,

I'm a human.

I Come From A Different Planet

I don't think that I'll ever be enough,

The blood I spill for you is tainted and you can't see it's worth,

My words will never convey the true meaning of my feelings

and my tears will never carry their own weight in salt,

This planet makes me feel alienated as I trudge along,

Working towards wondering who will use me,

You make my blood boil with your curiosity

and the way you knock on my door,

If I wanted to be heard, I would speak,

If I wanted to be seen, I would open my eyes

and if I wanted to live, I wouldn't risk my life

Just For You

Broken.

Shattered.

Fucked up.

Nearly grounded, except when my head is in the clouds.

I will never be your everything, I cannot be there for you.

If it wasn't for the way I am, I may actually be a decent human being,

My blood and my tears, my words and my fight,

They are never enough to get you through,

I won't try any longer,

I can't be any stronger,

I won't fight any harder,

Just.

For.

You.

Not A Toy

I put this plastic bag over my head to contain the air I was losing;

I don't think it worked.

I ended up suffocating as thoughts of you turned in my mind a hundred times,

If you saw me like this, naked, with a plastic bag over my head

My first concern would be that I'm fully clothed and you can still see through me

Your eyes burn like lava, coursing through me carelessly to parts I've tried to hide,

But still, you smile, unfazed by the nude and pleased only with yourself,

In situations such as these, I try to bury my head in the sand,

I fight the urge, wondering if you'll still think of me sane,

And because I still have a plastic bag over my head

From the inside I see nothing, just my breath getting shallow,

I start to wonder if you're still there as the world starts to narrow and my eyes cross,

I read the words backwards, trying to maintain focus and wonder if you think I'm coy,

I wonder just who they are speaking to with their fine print on every bag,

The last words that I ever read were pointed to my heart, "this is not a toy"

The Clouds of Heaven

Being brought down to earth; what an unnecessary gesture,

I wished that I could stay up there forever,

My head in the clouds as I drifted along, just listening to you,

There's always those who and make it rain,

Trying to find a way to bring you down again,

It's not that I'm not realistic,

But to stay up there with you seems more idealistic;

There's no tears, no pain, there's not even any laughter,

There's just you, the sunshine and your music.

All The Lonely People

"...It's called heaven, and when I get there,

Maybe I'll find god...

But god ain't helping me very much,

and he sure as hell, ain't a very good guy..."

I had a good day yesterday. Went shopping for some new clothes - tried to find a damn good pair of skinny jeans and just fucking can't. I'm going to have to end up shelling out $80 at Torrid for a pair and that pisses me off.

I keep looking for my "_______" outfit, but I can't find anything worthy.

I did however find a really cute skirt at Forever 21 and a black tee to go with it. The entire outfit was like, $23! Freaking cheap.

Then we went to Target where I found a dress on clearance for $6 and a tee for $3. I can shop like a motherfucker, I swear. I am so proud of myself for how facking cheap I was! :)

Yesterday I got a Vince Gill care package in the mail from the Grammy's. It came with an autographed 8x10 photo, a 4 disc CD set, more postcards and 50 5x7 limited edition Grammy winner cards. Badass. I love that the Grammy's love me. :) [Now to just win one...]

Tonight Jennifer and I are going to see The Final Destination. We saw the preview for it in, I wanna say Harry Potter, but that doesn't seem right... when we saw the preview I instantly knew it was Final Destination, but at the same time, I didn't know they were making another one! Very pleasantly surprised!

Jennifer swore up and fucking down that we were NOT going to see this movie. Meanwhile, I have to continue the trend! 10 years ago I saw the first one in the theater... saw the 2nd on in the theater... 3rd one in the theater... you get the gist.

I actually don't care for horror films. They used to be my cup of tea and now I find that they're too scary. Although, I think I might be getting back into them a bit... but Final Destination fascinates me because of the element of death. The fact that DEATH is killing them. No murderer, no evil Saw/Hostel torture shit, it's imminent because of FATE. 2 things that I am strongly obsessed with. Death. Fate.

She swears that she loves horror movies but nearly refuses to see this one because its "too real" for her. That this one is harder to watch than all the others.

The kicker? This one is in fucking 3-D!

I cannot wait!

Picture of the Day:

Decided to change it up. I felt kinda bad that I always put Jackson up as the picture of the day. I know a lot of people don't see the beauty in him that I do and so I shouldn't shove him in your face. The only reason I put him up there every day is because I don't think he gets enough respect or love, but, I digress.

Today's photo of the day is a journal entry by Spencer Bell. I hope that you're able to read it... The first part Spencer says that he always feels like the first page of a new journal/notebook should be profound. (I feel the same way.) And then later he came back and wrote,

"Do not pray to the heavens, as they house only clouds; pray to your mind as God lives in your thoughts."

Also, I have posted 2 new photos on my photoblog. Click there to check em out!

xoxox

The Child That Looked Right Through Me

These thoughts are my chains,

Never bending or breaking,

My mind is my prison,

I have to live here forever,

Constantly under watch and scrutiny,

Always fighting for a breath of air,

The people surrounding me cannot see what I see,

They refuse to see what they think isn't there,

But I see everything,

I see the colors and shapes, I see the wind,

I see god and his children,

Because I take the time to take everything in,

Process and release, send it back to the windmill,

If I cried out to take her hand, would she even know I was there?

How can one person live for so long without ever living their life?

I press questions and buttons in a cavalier way,

Hoping for the best or the most random thing to say,

She could not be afraid of me if she saw me standing there,

I touched her face, I touched her hand,

But my soul just passed on through,

It'll take her years to understand,

That what she saw was true

In Our Minds

I don't know how I got here,

One day I woke up and this is where I was,

Learning the new ways of this strange land,

Finding out just what to call myself,

I guess I call myself yours,

You are the only other one I see here,

You are the moon that shines upon the sand,

You are the sun that beats down on my fragile face,

I wondered, when you saw me, if you knew I was yours

But you took my hand and led me far away,

Away from all the others,

Away from all my thoughts,

Just so we could be together, be alone,

I often want to do that for you,

Tear you away from what you're feeling,

Just us. Here. Alone, on this beach,

In our minds.

Dude. Sweet.

"If you're gonna clean the knives,

For whatever reason,

Don't be overly displeased,

When you see that you're bleeding..."

This morning I woke up to a strange dream, but no worries... no one died this time! I dreamt that I was with my Dad and step mom and had taken a Xanax... except the Xanax didn't have the usual affect on me like it usually did - in my dream it made me seem drunk. *shrugs*

So then I had to come up with a rap for a school thing... (why I was in school I'll never have a clue...) and I woke up with the first two or three lines to the rap in my head. I contemplated on letting them fade or writing them down and I decided to write them down... then I finished the rap.

It's really lame. You wanna hear it? (The answer is yes.)

I think I'll write a little about bananas,

That shit has to absolutely be the baddest,

Play on my 64" - I like Madden,

But when the boys come home,

Put on some Scooby Doo,

I scooby-dooby-doo-wop be like, rappin',

And here nobody thought I'd make it happen,

I got a tighter rap than Nick Cannon,

and I can kick your ass, I be like Batman

It's really cute when I spit that shit. Yo.

This morning [after my rap] I tortured myself... I can't say exactly what I did, but I was looking at photos that were actually restricted and I shouldn't have been looking at them. I shouldn't have been looking at them (not only because they're restricted and I found the link by accident) but because it pains me.

I tend to do that to myself. I have done it from 2000 all the way up till now. This specific torture seems to be worse because my heart is actually in it. This specific torture hurts because I actually have opportunities that I didn't have when I was torturing myself back in 2000...

I'm getting too cryptic and I'm getting lost. Sorry. I guess I just wanted to talk about it, even if I can't say anything really about it.

Did you ever have an idea and you thought it was very original only to find out that someone had done the same thing once before? I mean, I'm sure this happens to everyone, right? That was kinda the low of my morning...

Yesterday I watched and tweeted about the Dark Knight. Makes me miss Chicago... Heh. 25.

Later last night I watched Twilight while on the phone with Genn... :) It was soo adorable and fun!! I think that we should do it again sometime.

Done for today. I'll try and blog more... sorry I've been MIA.

Pic of tha Day Jackson:

*sigh*

That guitar is so pretty. I'm glad I got to see her in person... Jay with a slide on? Anyone else here think that's just the sexiest damn thing in the entire universe? No? Just me then.

Hole In My Sail

"I can't breathe in,

I can't breathe out,

Pins and needles on my neck,

Cuz of all the things you said,

They all came true..."

For the third night in a row I've had a nightmare. For the third morning in a row, I've woken up after witnessing someone in my dream die.

The first night, the roller coaster stopped while we were upside down and the harness came undone and I watched them hold onto the harness and slowly slip off - not being able to hold on any longer.

The second night, they were stabbed, cut and basically murdered and I was basically evil and didn't call 911 until it was entirely too late. Graphic.

Last night was a little backwards. I knew they were dead before I saw them die, but it still ended with them dying. They were riding under a small plane with their friends and the plane landed too hard, all their friends got out, but they staggered out last, coughing blood and dying.

I'm not sure what's up with my dreams or why I'm dreaming about all these deaths so many nights in a row.

Someone wanna take a stab at interpreting my dream?

Pic of the Day:

Even when Jennifer saw this pic of Jacks (she's not a Jackson fan, she thinks he's a great actor but doesn't see why he makes me swoon) she said "awwww!" :) I call it his happy dance.

xoxox

The Pills Don't Work

"Sometimes I get tired of pins and needles,

Facades are fire on the skin,

And I'm growing fond of broken people,

As I see that I am one of them..."

If life turns out to be the way that you expected it to be when you were eight years old - will you be shocked? Pleasantly surprised? Offended? Don't worry. Life will not turn out the way you expected it to be when you were eight years old.

I idolize myself at eight. Every story I have starts with, "when I was eight..." Every memory I have apparently took place when I was eight... yet, at the same time... I can't remember anything. I'm sure that only makes sense to me.

The lyric of the day is from Mute Math's "Pins and Needles" off of their new album, Armistice. When I first heard it I was floored. I often find myself relating to music more than anything else. I relate to lyrics, drum and tambourine beats better than I've ever related to another human in my entire life. Music is my blood. It has been since I was a child... but, I digress. The line about 'facades are a fire on the skin', 'pins and needles'... I can particularly relate to those lyrics.

My life is not what it seems. It's not what it seems to anyone who sees it. The only way to understand me and my life is to live it, and quite frankly, even my life isn't what it seems to me. I am one giant illusion. A facade. I'm not real. I'm not real to anyone and there's not one person out there who truly sees me. I'm sure that will irritate/frustrate/piss off a lot of those who are close to me who read this, but... it's the truth.

People can come close. People do and have come close to understanding me, to breaking through my shell into who I REALLY am on the inside. My blood and guts, the frightening innermost workings of my mind... I want them to. I really, really, honestly do. I would love for them to step back and tell me who I am so that I would know.

Everyone thinks they know me. They think that they can sum me up in a sentence or two. Let me tell you something that I want you to always remember for after I'm gone - anyone who tries to tell you who I am; doesn't know me at all.

Let's lighten the mood with a little - Pic of the J. Action Day:

Jackson copies my signature pose. :) I think we're pretty fucking adorable, if I do say so myself. (His eyelashes are more prettiful than mine, however.)

28.