"Sometimes I get tired of pins and needles,
Facades are fire on the skin,
And I'm growing fond of broken people,
As I see that I am one of them..."
If life turns out to be the way that you expected it to be when you were eight years old - will you be shocked? Pleasantly surprised? Offended? Don't worry. Life will not turn out the way you expected it to be when you were eight years old.
I idolize myself at eight. Every story I have starts with, "when I was eight..." Every memory I have apparently took place when I was eight... yet, at the same time... I can't remember anything. I'm sure that only makes sense to me.
The lyric of the day is from Mute Math's "Pins and Needles" off of their new album, Armistice. When I first heard it I was floored. I often find myself relating to music more than anything else. I relate to lyrics, drum and tambourine beats better than I've ever related to another human in my entire life. Music is my blood. It has been since I was a child... but, I digress. The line about 'facades are a fire on the skin', 'pins and needles'... I can particularly relate to those lyrics.
My life is not what it seems. It's not what it seems to anyone who sees it. The only way to understand me and my life is to live it, and quite frankly, even my life isn't what it seems to me. I am one giant illusion. A facade. I'm not real. I'm not real to anyone and there's not one person out there who truly sees me. I'm sure that will irritate/frustrate/piss off a lot of those who are close to me who read this, but... it's the truth.
People can come close. People do and have come close to understanding me, to breaking through my shell into who I REALLY am on the inside. My blood and guts, the frightening innermost workings of my mind... I want them to. I really, really, honestly do. I would love for them to step back and tell me who I am so that I would know.
Everyone thinks they know me. They think that they can sum me up in a sentence or two. Let me tell you something that I want you to always remember for after I'm gone - anyone who tries to tell you who I am; doesn't know me at all.
Jackson copies my signature pose. :) I think we're pretty fucking adorable, if I do say so myself. (His eyelashes are more prettiful than mine, however.)
28.
2 comments:
I won't lie to you. I don't know all of you, just as you don't know all of me. No one will ever REALLY know us the way we want them to. No one will ever REALLY see us for who and what we truly are.
I can tell you what I see though.
I see a woman who is funny and caring and loving at the same time as she is tortured and hurting and scared.
I see a woman who is full of life and is tremendously talented.
I see a woman who reaches out to people and becomes a trusted friend, even though she has been hurt so many times.
I see a remarkable person who is capable of great laughter and even greater love.
I see someone who has been broken and is trying to put the pieces back together.
I see a woman w/ an amazing soul with so much to give this world.
I may not see all of you, but don't you think for a minute that I don't SEE you. A light as bright as you can be seen from a million miles away.
Nobody sees anybody completely.
We will never know who we truly are, until we step back and examine our own lives, and really let others in.
Trust me, I know how scary that is,just as I know how frustrating it is to realize that nobody knows you,or sees you, no matter how much you want them to.
You feel as if you're jumping up and down, yet they still look right over or through you. I get that.
I may not know you, I'll admit it.
It is NOT from lack of want.
It is NOT from lack of trying.
But it can't be one sided. You have to let me see you, and until that day, I can't. It's like trying to see a 3-D movie without the glasses, you can get the gist of it, but you don't see it as clearly as you should, you don't see the minute details.
I know we both hate I'm sorry, but I am.
I'm sorry I can't see you the way you want me to.
I'm sorry you feel so alone and isolated.
I'm sorry that I can't be whatever you need, to make you feel better.
I've been bent, I've been (and am) broken, but I know that you CAN be happy, and I'd do anything to hand you that.
If only I could.
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