In The Time...

...it takes me to sign into Blogger I forget why I even opened it anyway. Obviously to write a blog, but now I can't remember what about.

I just brewed a pot of coffee.

As I see it, if you can't beat insomnia, embrace it wholeheartedly. More time for work, anyhow. (And by "work" I mean "Reddit".)

The night is the hardest. It always has been. So much unknown out there - and don't get me wrong - I love the unknown. The unknown and the untraveled are the very reason why I even bother with so much that I do... but for the insomniatic, the unknown and the night are terrifying.

My thoughts flood me the minute that I lay down on my bed; the minute that I close my eyes... I am reminded of memories. The times that I laughed and was happy - I catch my breath for fear I will never have those experiences that made me that way again. ...I am reminded of the times that I couldn't catch my breath - the times that a simple touch, smile or inside joke was more than enough to sustain me - the wind is knocked out of me for the fact that I know that I don't have that and that I never will again (so far as I can see). ...I am reminded of the wrong that I have caused to people. All, honestly, unintentional - I catch my breath because if these people ever knew the amount and years of pain it has caused me, perhaps they would forgive me.

Perhaps forgiveness has already been granted. Perhaps I am not as thought of by these people as I once thought.

Who knows.

Sleep deprivation is writing this now. Sometimes it's better that way... better than the alternative.

About 2 years ago I wrote a blog in which I said that I had done wrong to some in my "past lives*" and however unintentional it was, I caused them pain that was unnecessary. I said how I was taking the steps towards being a better person.

I truly believe that I have lived up to that - however, we all make mistakes, and we all have to hurt each other.

So much of my life I have spent walking the fence; always fearing to take sides; always fearing to disappoint anyone or to side on anything...

I rode this fence and instead of speaking my mind and my opinion when I could (and probably should) have, I didn't. I ate it and sat there so as not to disrupt anything or anyone.

This was wrong.

In this process I have hurt people...

But then...

Sometimes you stand up for yourself, your beliefs and your opinions and you hurt people.

We all hurt people.

You've hurt people. You may have hurt someone today. Who knows... but you can be forgiven. If not, I know you can learn to move on.

Your best friend makes a cake and it tastes like shit - you tell him it tastes like shit and his feelings are hurt.

You work really hard on a photo layout and give it to your client - they tell you that they were thinking in going a different direction - you thought this layout was your Sistine Chapel - you are hurt by their words.

A stranger calls you "fat" on the Internet. You are, indeed, plump. You are hurt by their words.

A stranger calls your art "a disgrace". You believe them even though they are trolls. You are hurt.

You break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend and *mean* it when you say you want to stay friends. They are hurt.

...What are the alternatives to these things? No one can truly go through life without hurting anyone. It's life.

Alternatives?

Your best friend makes a cake and it tastes like shit - you eat it anyway and tell him it tastes good; your stomach aches for days and he raves about how he's the greatest baker since Julia Fucking Child. He makes more cake. You are obligated to eat it. ...it would have been easier to just tell him it wasn't great. Then he can get better.

You work really hard on a photo layout and give it to your client - they don't want to tell you that your work was not adequate for the account so they either; A: are pussies and can't man up and tell you, so they hire you and it flops. Or B: they just plain don't call you back and you always wonder if it was your work or something that you said or did in the meeting. ...it would have just been better for you to hear the truth - that way you can improve.

A stranger calls you fat on the Internet. Look... people are always going to troll. Some people just get off making fun of others and inflicting invisible pain. Note that 98% of these assholes wouldn't have the guts to say anything to your face. (I have met some... they hide behind their screens all day, but in fact it's just because they are insecure about themselves.)

A stranger calls your art a disgrace. Work harder. Your art is never finished... then again... neither are the trolls.

You don't break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend... you try to push through the relationship, but in the end you are unhappy and unfulfilled. When the break up finally happens, it's messy and your partner is mad at you for hiding this from them for so long - ultimately you don't get to keep them as a friend. ...it would have been so much better to just be honest at your realization moment instead of dragging something out. If you really can stay friends - friendship is better than nothing. Obviously this person meant something to you if you dated them in the first place.

So yeah... I have hurt people. People have hurt me. It's all recyclable and it's all normal. It doesn't make you (OR ME!) a bad, terrible, awful person. It makes you normal.

Everyone hurts people.

Sure, ignorance is bliss. ...and I enjoy my fair share of ignorance in the right place and time. There's some things that I prefer to be completely blind to (I won't discuss those here), but I love to hear all of the upfront and honest truth from my friends/family/lovers/etc.

I give my friends full permission to ridicule my work. Let me fucking have it. I've been working on a new project lately and I've recruited a couple friends (more to come in the later processes) to look over and proof my stuff... they tell me their opinions. I'd rather have my friends honest opinion knowing full and well that they love me no matter what versus my future employers full and honest opinion on the first day. It's much easier.

The long and short of this is that I hate that I've caused people necessary pain. Normal day-to-day shit. I hate hurting feelings. I'm terrible at it... look at me... I've had insomnia for years because this is the shit that keeps me up at night... this normal shit that everyone goes through and it bothers me so damn much that I hate to close my eyes.

I don't know if anyone else out there thinks these things or has these problems, but I just thought that I would finally get off my chest what's been bothering me for years.

In the coming new year I'm hoping to document in a notebook all the things that bother me about the ways that I've unintentionally hurt people and perhaps what the outcome would have been if I didn't and how I feel me hurting them perhaps bettered our situation... also, the ways people have hurt me, what the outcome would have been if they didn't and how I feel them hurting me bettered our situation. I think this will be cathartic and helpful towards loosening these thoughts that I have.

If you have any suggestions for sleep, insomnia, reciepes I should try, an example of "necessary" pain/hurt, etc... kind words, hate mail, etc. Leave it after the jump and I'll respond to as many as I can. :)

*past lives... In my mind my life isn't broken up into one consecutive thing... because I have so much memory loss of my past the different highlights that I can recall I remember as "past lives". Such as, my childhood (all four years or so that I can piece together), my teenage years (not much of that either), my early 20's (like shuffling through Justin Timberlake concerts and whatnot), and then the now. The "now" I refer to as the last three years of my life.

<3

8 Year-Old Self

Dear 8 Year-Old Self,

I won't tell you that you should change your plans, your mind, your friends or anything about your life, because how you turned out at 27 is pretty okay...

All those mistakes that you made are not things that you should regret, because they brought you to the places you are now.

No, you don't continue with modeling (though you often think about getting back into it). No, you're not rich or famous (though you do okay for yourself and a few people know your name). And no, you're not still friends with Bailey (but you absolutely adore the friends that you have. They're the best part about you).

Some things you should be aware of, though... I know you think that when you become a "grown up" that people will take you seriously, that people will listen to you and let you be whoever you want to be... That's only half true - so you should be prepared for that and start trying to grow a thicker skin now. (At 27 it's still not that thick.)

The thing is, even now you don't feel like a grown up; and you probably never will. Also, the grown ups are more grown up and they will never stop looking at you like a kid. That will never stop being frustrating... And there's nothing you can do about it. (No, seriously... I have tried... So stop trying and just swallow it, Jodie.)

You are gonna "grow up" and be something different. You will be happy, but it won't come easily like it does now.

It'll be okay.

People are going to love you for your mind and hate you for it. People will embrace your appearance and push you away because of it. It's okay.

Even if parents and people you thought would love you unconditionally decide they don't like you anymore because you have tattoos, curse and celebrate holidays with drinks --- that's fine. They are missing out. Those people are shallow to turn you away for things that are just on the surface of you. You are so much more than tattoos, curse words and beers. The people who can't see that are cheap.

And those people who tell you that they love you "unconditionally"? They don't. No one can love unconditional. Not even parents. If there is a god, only (s)he can love unconditionally. Protect your heart.

Your heart.

Love.

Love, boyfriends, etc... Turns out it's not as 'top priority' as you might think. Be patient. There's a few good guys out there and you NEVER want to settle.

Don't settle.

Ever.

For someone who likes to hold onto things so tightly, you have to learn to let things go.

That's the hardest one.

You can't keep everything... Or everyone.

Sometimes you have to get rid of the things you outgrow in order to make room for new things and new people.

Always grow... You'll grow tall, but you won't grow up.

Jo

...what would you tell your 8 year-old self?

Leave it in a comment after the jump!

27.

Thursday was my 27th birthday, a birthday I have anticipated for quite some time.

My birthday was extremely mellow this year. It wasn't terrible, though. I got cards from the most important people in my life, got a couple cool presents, ate sushi 2 days in a row, had drinks and had a good time. It definitely didn't suck. Of course, I can't not compare it to the year before, spending it with the boys... But... Well... At least I have happy memories to hold on to. :)

I now have an Instagram page if you're over there or interested. jodieplatz is my username.

I am on my 3rd cup of coffee and I am listening to Death Cab. It's a mellow, but good day. Later on I will be heading down to my favorite tattoo shop... We will see what comes of that. ;)

I thank each of you who supplied me with birthday wishes on the day... It made it quite lovely and enjoyable! I wished that I could hug you all, you beautiful people!!! <3

xojo

My Mirror Speaks

I suppose that it's almost that time; my birthday is in 3 days. I have attempted to not bother people too much with the count down to it as I usually do. I've always enjoyed the count down to my birthday, but this year I fear there would be too many people annoyed by the incessant reminder of it.

My birthday really is one of those things that makes me truly happy. Of course, I have never had a birthday as was planned. There's always been something that has gone wrong or awry in it and there's always been something that has made me cry or travel off course... though, it has just prepared me to plan better for the future birthdays.

This birthday shall be quite low key.

I had hoped to get a tattoo, but I will wait on that. I already have and/or know what most of my presents from friends are. My grandmother gave me $50 and a card at Thanksgiving because she missed my birthday last year. (I was living in Alabama last year... ...spent my birthday in Baton Rouge with the boys... one of the best birthdays that I've ever had - all because of the company.)

With the $50 I went a little shopping on Black Friday. It wasn't planned that way or anything. It was in the evening and I decided to go to Target for some makeup that I had needed - when I got to Target I remembered about the sales, took a look around and found an amazing leather bomber jacket for $15. I have needed a new coat for a few years and so I bought it. It turns out that panned out quite lovely since it ended up getting VERY cold and raining that night, which made me thankful that I had bought a coat. I ended up spending the rest of the $50 on the makeup that I needed... and beer. :)

For my actual birthday I'm not quite sure what I'll be doing (besides replying to Facebook birthday wishes). I know that I have a sushi date with Jennifer on that day... so I am very much looking forward to that. I think we're also going to have sake and champagne... so... fun, fun!

Saturday (the 3rd) I know we're doing the majority of the birthday celebration by going out... seeing a movie (I've already picked to see My Week With Marilyn again... it was amazing) and to drink a little bit. I've invited some friends that I haven't seen in a long while... I'm hoping that maybe one of them will come. One thing that I've learned about my birthday is to never let your hopes weigh fully on those who are able to attend. It seems that that's where I end up letting myself down and that's where I always end up getting sad.

Plan for the worst & be happy when it doesn't suck + alcohol = decent birthday.

My favorite thing about my birthday is turning it into a multi-day event. :) That's definitely the best thing about being a product of a broken home; I always got to enjoy a week long birthday celebration. My birthday (and I believe ALL birthdays) is too big to fit into one day - it must span at LEAST 3 full days. (Consecutive days.)

I'm sure I'll write another blog about how the actual birthday went... but for now, I'll zip my trap on babbling about the day. ;)

Today 100 Monkeys landed in Sweden (hey, I'm Swedish! I've never been to Sweden, though...) and tomorrow they start their first ever European tour.

While I couldn't attend, I'm definitely nowhere near as sad as I imagined that I would be. I've never missed a 100 Monkeys tour yet, but that doesn't even damper this for me because my heart is so absolutely swollen as I watch my friends accomplish their dreams. <3 The word "proud" doesn't even begin to cover it. The only bad part that I can see of this is that I won't be able to be with them on my birthday like I was last year... other than that... only amazing and prideful joy coming from me. ^_^

Moving on again...

I took a series of [pretty serious] photos yesterday. Inspiration strikes at the most random times... but when it does, you must grasp it fully.

I haven't been inspired lately. I haven't even really touched my camera in quite some time. Tyler Shields says that a camera is just a really expensive paper weight if you don't use it. I firmly believe and agree to that... but I'm not about to force anything. When inspiration strikes, I grasp it.

The title of this photo is called "The Mirror". I believe that it's something where everyone can relate to at least one photo.

And while this photo was not inspired by this song, this is my favorite song about mirrors:



Edit:

There's something quite amazing about mirrors. While they are an unpolished version of yourself, how your eyes perceive them and their reflection can always differ or censor. A photo, however... a photo can never lie. (Photoshop - THAT is the lie, not the photograph.)

Something to think on.

I hope that y'all had a good Thanksgiving (to those who celebrate it) and I hope that you're looking forward to and getting ready for December!

There's Only One November

20 days until my birthday...

It feels the same as it does every year that I count down to my birthday... I love it. The countdown is half the fun.

I'm not exactly sure what I'll be doing for my birthday. A few friends mentioned wanting to come to the city I'll be in and hang out/do birthday stuff. This would please me tremendously if they could work it out.

I can hope for it! *tries to think positive*

Big things happening... some I'll talk about - some I won't. (That's natural, right?)

I should be starting work on my very first solo album here in December. That... THAT pleases me more than almost anything. I need to get back to working on The Oh Noz! album, but now that Micky and I will be in different states again... well, oh well... ;) It'll just mean that I'll have to come back to Alabama to visit.

With the solo record... I can't even begin to explain to you how excited I am to finally start work on this. This, I feel, is my life's culmination. I've had so many "almosts" in my life.

I first started working with a producer and recording when I was 16... when I was 21 I was signed to a record label... 22 I was flown out to LA to spend a week recording a few songs with a hit producer... things crashed and burned from there (that's the short version of the story).

Then photography started being my main art... The Oh Noz! were created and all my energy has been put into that. I just haven't really thought too much about a solo EP/LP in quite a while...

Now that I have this opportunity - I'm grasping it and accepting it with both hands and I can't wait to share it with y'all.

...It almost seems a little ridiculous that it would take this long for me to get a solo album out. *scoffs*

Swiftly moving on and speaking of The Oh Noz!

Here's the latest Oh Noz! video to my favorite song off the ohmygod album, "Keep Your Mouth Shut (Famous)".



What does a photographer do when they need a photographer?

That's a hard thing.

Back when I was... *clears throat* ...engaged... to be engaged -- I had given a lot of thought into who I wanted to photograph my wedding. I narrowed it down to about 4 photographers that would depend on where exactly we were getting married... of course, my relationship ended, but here I am again in need of finding a photographer.

It's just something that is so incredibly hard to do.

If I had my pick on who I'd want to take my photo - I'd pick my friend/photographer Serenity. But, she lives hours and hours and hours away from where I'll be staying for the next few moons and so unfortunately, I don't think she'll be able to take my portrait for this project that I'm working on... which leaves me with finding someone commercially.

Le sigh.

I had an idea for a blog entry today and I couldn't remember it... just as I was typing that last paragraph I remembered what my topic was going to be... but now I feel that it's too late... yet here I am still sharing that information with y'all regardless. xD

I am a little more than excited to get back to a resting place for a hot second. I've been living out of the same suitcase since tour/July... I tend to mention that a lot... part of it is because I'm proud of that fact and the other part of it is that I'm still in complete disbelief that I have done that!

I'm looking forward to a bit of consistency in my everyday life... also, I'm looking forward to exploring... I'm going to try to go out more and meet new people... network some and meet new friends.

I have been feeling a little lost from the friends that I have/had. I won't share all my opinions on that openly in a public forum such as this, but I've had to draw back from a few people over the past few months because I was feeling under appreciated.

I don't really like to keep people around for the "what if"... "Oh, what if I need something from them someday...?" My mind doesn't work like that. If people don't talk to me, I don't feel the want/need to keep them around or to make space for them. I suppose I'd rather spend time focusing on people who make me a priority in their life.

It hurts me, though... because a lot of the times it seems like people never really notice or care when I disappear from their lives. It's not like I did it purposely in order to gain attention -- that's not it at all -- it's that I'm trying to keep my walls straight. My walls are there not only to keep people out, but to keep the people that I love in... when you pull back from me and you put some of those walls between us... well... I suppose that's all I need to say about that.

I am grateful for the people that I do have who love me and treat me well. I have 2 unconditional best friends/sisters when I thought that I was just lucky enough to have one... so I know that I must have done something right...

However, I can't help but think about those other people... I still consider them my friends - I'd still pick up the phone and talk to them if they called me -- I still hug them hello when I see them... I just... sometimes it's nice to feel important and wanted. I'm sure that's something that everyone can understand and appreciate.

I know that friendship comes in all kinds of different forms. Perhaps this is just the way that we are friends. I can live with that. :)

Let's end on a high note, shall we?

Have you got your Christmas list planned out? Why not run it by Santa himself?

http://www.santabot.com/ is a site where you can chat with Santa... I feel he's more realistic that its predacessor, Cleverbot. (http://www.cleverbot.com/)

Cleverbot just doesn't "get" me like Santa does.

Here's some new/up-to-date photos of me... these were spawned of boredom and too much time on my hands.

The editing that I did on them reminds me of the shots of the SNL host before they get back from the commercial break. xD That tickles me... (and it was unintentional)

The Right Atrium Of The Heart

Rigorous and treacherous, he's utterly reprehensible 

His actions and his words were mirrored, however indispensable, 

A priority in private, but a stranger to the world,

His faults were never sheltered; they're constantly unfurled,

By definition he was a sinner, but his eyes claimed him a saint, 

The demons of his muddled past had him perpetually in restraint, 

Being frequently surrounded left him feeling isolated, 

While the changeless atmosphere kept notion he was violated, 

With every new day that passes he is on the brink of his new threshold, 

And every night that sets upon him his loneliness grows by tenfold.

26 Days Left Of 26

What does it mean when you're older; are you wiser? 

Are you a better person now that you've circled the sun once more?

Does your skin change knowing you're one step further away from your birth date? 

Another anniversary of cake and candles left upon your plate,

How can you know when you're done becoming the person you were set to be? 

I don't know who I am so I keep changing to see if I like me, 

If I take a little bit from all the things that make me happy

And I set them all together I call myself a finished masterpiece.

Growing

There's a moment when the person you know starts becoming the person you knew, 

It doesn't matter anymore about where you came from or what you're going through, 

Life and status and bank accounts and accountability all don't matter, 

You were born from a silver spoon and I was raised on plastic platter, 

Your life and ribs and girlfriends and hair are all transparent, 

My scars and knees and loves and things are all of which can't exist, 

I'm proud of you for moving on, for picking up and moving out, 

I'm happy that I don't need to lean upon the green age of your heart, 

It's hard, I know, to trust another,

When we rest so easily to trust our own, 

It's needed though; to help to seed, to help to plant, to help to grow, 

It's good for you to stretch your legs, 

To get outside and flourish alone, 

With another, with yourself

Just remember you can always come home.

A Distraction

Yesterday was one of the worst days that I have had to face in a while... I wrote a blog about it all last night, but as I came closer to bed and the early pressing hours, I realized that it was not something that I should post on a public venue.

I received a lot of love on my Facebook page when I stated that I was upset because I was finally saying aloud what I had known for most of my life: I have no family. I raised myself... this is why I travel, this is why I cry... this is why I perpetually search.

This came about full circle when my plans for moving back to Kansas City went up in flames.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

No one is listening anyway.

Here's some photos that made me happy yesterday when I was depressed.

And for those who made it through all of that... yes, I'm still depressed... no, not all of my problems have been able to be solved. Yes, it's more complicated than I can express.

Tonight I'm going to a Halloween party. I plan on enjoying chemicals and alcohol fully whilst I dance around in a slutty outfit and hit on strangers... ROLL TIDE!!! I love Alabama! :)

A Sledgehammer To The Face

So... I read a book. Well, to be honest, I read the majority of a book... for those of you who know me (or have read about me in interviews or what-have-you), you should know that I do not often pick up a book. I feel that I quite often do not have a lot of time to read and that when I do feel like reading, there is not often things that interest me enough to read 300 pages of it and even less often will it be something that will hold my goldfish of an attention span.

I read a small book (about 170 pages) called He's Just Not That Into You. Many have heard of this book, or at least heard of the movie that followed. I can now say that I'm one of those people who states things like, "the book was so much better than the movie." Ugh. I hate to say it, but it was true.

I didn't realize when the movie came out that it was based on a self-help book. I didn't realize how much this book could help my *self*.

There were moments in it that I wanted to slap myself with epiphany... moments in it where I wanted to cry from realization of past flame's... moments where I laughed aloud at the fact that I had ever been so stupid...

I highly recommend this book to everyone. Male, female - doesn't matter. Everyone should read this book. I think it should be taught in schools... I could have saved 10 years of horrible dating experience if I had read this book when I was 16.

These realizations are not easy to come by to say, "oh wow... yeah... he just wasn't that into me..." But I say, "well, that sucks." And now I move on. At least it is no more time wasted on someone who wasn't willing to waste their time on me...

And as the book says, I deserve better. :)

Go read this book!

Head Full

I was sitting here thinking about preparing for SBL... How on earth do you prepare for an event that truly moves people to tears, brings friends together time and time again and quite literally changes people's lives?

Well, first of all, you start by making a decision with how you're going to wear your hair.

I am embarking on what will be my 5th Spencer Bell Legacy concert next weekend and this is my 2nd time shooting it officially. (I'm the photographer for the SBL's that take place in Michigan, but I am not the official photographer for any traveling or affiliated SBL's. Consider me the official photographer of the flagship SBL. xD)

There's a lot of check lists that need to be crossed off before I can get in a car with my friend and head up to Michigan...

First of all, I wasn't joking when I said that I had to decide on how I was going to wear my hair. I was thinking of posting a few photos that had inspired me for haircuts, but I think I'd rather surprise everyone. (I'm sneaky like that...) Also, I'm considering a coloring venture... we'll see what ends up happening.

I need to decide on outfits. I'm still stuck with the clothes that I originally packed for the tour back in July. Yep. It's October now. Nope. I don't have a coat or a jacket. Yes, I am going to Detroit, Michigan. Yes, I plan on just pretending to convince myself that I'm warm.

I'll be back in Kansas City soon, it seems... I need to start planning that out. While that doesn't directly involve SBL... it somewhat does in my mind.

I have 441 photos to edit before I leave for Michigan...

I have a shot list to compile in my mind from the provided bands...

I have to find and get a print of each 100 Monkeys member for the SBL raffle that they'll be having this year... shit... I have not done that yet... I don't even have a clue as to which photos I'd like for copies... I need to do that when I'm editing those 441 photos, I suppose...

You know... to some people I may seem like an extremely disorganized person, however, I'm incredibly organized and organized with my time. I may have a week and a half to complete all this, but more than likely I'll use about three or four days of the time to do it. I tend to work better under pressure. My ADD seems to understand me better then.

I think I'm just typing because it's giving me something to do... I can't sleep lately. I haven't been feeling well... My head is full. My stomach is achey. I'm stressed, worried and anxious...

Oh well... off to Netflix. If you have any Netflix movie suggestions, please leave them in the comments!! I need some new stuff to watch!!

Thanks and I hope to see y'all at SBL!

Homesick?

The past week or so I've been feeling an indescribable feeling of longing, loneliness, and just that something is missing from me.

I've been asked many, many times if I ever get homesick.

The answer to that is simple: no.

I can explain several reasons for it... first of all - I don't technically have a home. (I am on the road, traveling and crashing with friends far too often to call anywhere my "home".) Secondly, I've never felt like I ever had a home.

Even for the years that I lived in one constant place - I'd leave the house and beg my best friend to go to a bar or to the casino or a 24h diner just because I didn't want to go "home".

I've never felt like I belonged anywhere... other than the road.

Many people have told me that "home is where the heart is..." which was not a phrase that I understood completely until a year or so ago. Lately, as I've been talking to Jennifer on the phone and whatnot - with each conversation there comes a point that I would end up crying over something out of my control... the feeling of loneliness and the burden of being out of control is/was just getting to be too much for me.

I thought that perhaps I was homesick... missing Jennifer, my dog, my boys... to which, I am homesick in that aspect. I haven't seen my dog since the beginning of August... I haven't seen Jennifer or the boys since tour ended - and while there are always emails, texts and phone calls with the people that I miss - there is nothing quite as comforting as a hug. (Thankfully I'll get to hug some of these people in another week...)

I realized last night when I was on the phone with a friend and having another moment of this longing and heartbreaking loneliness that I'm not at all homesick, but that I'm roadsick.

I've been stationary since the first week of September and it's driving me up the metaphorical wall. I'm not used to being so still... my mind, body and soul quite literally needs and craves travel in order to breathe and thrive.

My little jog up to Michigan should suffice for a short while. After that I'm heading up plans on going back to Kansas City for a while... and from there I'll need to start working on a trip to LA or Vegas while the boys are in Europe.

Europe would have sufficed me for a while. I would have been able to live off of that travel for a quite a bit... but alas... it didn't work out. It looks as though I'll be spending my birthday in Kansas City versus Hamburg, Germany with my boys. (Perhaps I'll drink German lager all night in honor of them... or perhaps they should drink Bud Light that night in honor of me, since it's my birthday and all...)

I still need to work on what exactly I have planned for my birthday... I'm open to suggestions if you know the KC/surrounding area well. :) I haven't really explored KC in over a year - so I'm not sure of the new stuff/restaurants/bars that they have.

Do you get homesick? Roadsick?

What did you do for your last birthday?

Premonitions.

A lot of times we aren't allowed into the inner cogs of changes that our life will take... most times we don't know that our life is taking a turn, growing or changing until it's already happened and we're halfway through the process.

A few examples:

I didn't quite grasp that I was dropping out of high school and that it would forever affect me until the minute that I was walking out of the door. (Of course, it actually helped me greater than graduating high school ever would have... though it was still a huge change.)

When I was 17 years old, I didn't realize that I was in a car wreck until I was on the stretcher and being put into the back of an ambulance.

And I didn't realize that I was an actual professional photographer until I started hearing it out of my peers and my [photographer] mother's mouths.

Then, there are some times when you're given ample time to prepare and accept a life change.

A few examples:

When your uncle is given 6 months left to live through his cancer treatment.

When you choose the person that you're going to marry or break up with.

...There are so many possibilites to all of that and in certain and lucky times of our life, we are able to predict our own futures.

I am currently in a situation resembling that. I can see the huge and pivotal events just notching their way into my future. Like speed bumps in my timeline marking something adrenaline rushing and endorphine inducing.

Of course... things can change... and you'll never know the true outcome of anything until it's the end of the story. We're not quite there yet and so I can't say for sure if this will be everything that I ever wanted it to be. I've always said, "be careful what you wish for..." I've got it permanently etched into my skin as a reminding proof that if I put out into the universe what I want, it could come to fruition.

Who knows if my wishes will have a positive or negative outcome in the end?

There have been so many things I thought wonderful that I wished for and in the end I started to feel as if I may have bitten off more than I could chew.

One day, I'll talk to you about that... but today is not the day.

The funny part about where I am right now is that I can see just what is happening and the things that are changing, but no one else is privy to them yet. I don't believe that one of us has quite grasped any of what is going on...

So... I sit.

I sit here and I sit in silence... I wait.

For, I will not be the first to speak, and I will not be the last to think so.

Is knowing better? Is knowledge power? Or is ignorance bliss? Are you happier now that you know, or are you lost now that you have nothing else to wonder and question about?

30 x 30

Thirty things that I want to accomplish by the time I turn 30.

It's nearly my 27th birthday, here. It still seems far off to the outside world, but December 1st will come faster than you think. Take for instance, that it's October 3rd. We just passed the first of October (which is my dog's birthday...), 2 months from there is December 1st. On Halloween (October 31st), it'll be just 31 days until my birthday... and November goes by far too fast.

I'm almost 27.

My twenties have gone by in a flash.

I'm not sure if that's how it happens for everyone else, but if the twenties are any indication of what my thirties will be like, then I'll be at the end of the road before I know it.

In honor of that, before my twenties are over, there are some things that I'd like to accomplish. So here is that list - Thirty Things I Want To Accomplish Before I Turn 30.

(In no particular order.)

01. Write a book.
02. Get to my goal weight.
03. See all 50 states.
04. Get my hair healthy.
05. Drive a ridiculously cool car.
06. Learn to shoot a gun.
07. Own a gun.
08. Tip a waiter with something other than money.
09. Do Absinthe.
10. Go off the grid for at least a week.
11. Bury a time capsule.
12. Go on a holiday with no luggage.
13. Host a Martha Stewart-worthy dinner party.
14. Meditate for 3h in one sitting.
15. Wear a fancy dress for a whole day.
16. Keep a diary for a whole year.
17. Complete a 40 day water fast.
18. Spraypaint art on a wall... (IE: graffiti)
19. Get a Brazilian wax.
20. Live abroad or buy a one way ticket overseas.
21. Go on a cruise.
22. Take ballet and martial arts.
23. Go to culinary school.
24. Be happy with my phone, my phone bill and my carrier.
25. Do something elaborate to surprise someone and make them happy for no reason.
26. Eat more tofu.
27. Have a [mindblowing] first kiss that actually means something with someone that I fancy.
28. Wear a wig and create an alter-ego.
29. Hit on the hottest guy at a bar/club/venue and not be intimidated or back down.
30. Actually live to see 30.

What are your plans that you'd like to do before your next birthday milestone? I'd love to hear them!!

Big Ass Tiny Bullies

This is what happens when you only get three hours of Benedryl induced sleep. Your mind wanders... and you cyber stalk the people that you knew in a previous life.

It's funny how your life is broken down between friendships and relationships; houses and jobs; etc... those are the things that you can remember.

I remember far too much... and then again, I can't remember anything at all.

I came across a piece of hate mail directed to me and written in 2008. Probably before anyone who will read this knew me. I was on Google searching trying to find someone I once knew and I was linked back to my own blog and slapped in the face with this slew of comments talking how if I was - and I quote - "run over by a bus and killed that [this person] would be the happiest girl on the planet", how I will "never become anything" and how I was a "stupid bitch ruining everyone's life and just a waste of space on this earth".

Reading back those hurtful and hateful comments made me feel so unwanted all over again. It didn't matter what it was about... it hurt to read it again. It didn't matter who said it, when or what it was regarding... it hurt.

I realize it now as cyber bullying. This person basically encouraged me to kill myself numerous times. Imagine that -- imagine being so hated by someone that your death would cause them happiness.

Bullying is something that I put up with in grade school... a little in middle school... so much Freshman year of high school that I transfered schools (and in hindsight my mother says that we should have sued the pants off their "rich asses" because of it). Most often times (note the high school bullying) I was not backed up by the teacher.

They thought of me as tattling. "Mrs. Long, Tommy called me fat again and pulled my chair out from under me." She would sigh heavily and tell me to go sit down. Eventually, I found myself a burden. (Something that I have issues with in other forms, as well...)

The teachers said that there was nothing that they could do. "Just ignore it," they would say and continue teaching. Eventually I shut down and while I was ignoring it, I was also ignoring class.

I *WISH* that my teachers would have done something about the bullies in my school. I would have rather been sent to another class or teacher than to have to deal with that. I would have rather the bullies been sent to the principal and have disciplinary action taken on them EACH time they bullied me or someone else. That's the only way to correct it. (Oh, and for parents to RAISE THEIR CHILDREN CORRECTLY!!!!)

The sad thing is, now we have this wonderful tool called "The Internet" to hide behind where we can bully people behind a magic shield from the comfort of our living room or queen sized bed.

The terrible part about this is I grew up in a world where as soon as I got out of high school my teens I really thought (ignorantly) that adults would act differently than the children I grew up with. Let's face it: adults are nothing but children with bank accounts and real life Big Wheels.

The mass majority of these people that cyber bully would never (ever, ever, ever) say something to the face of the person they are bullying.

What's the point?

Why waste your time and your online figurative "breath" to bash, diss, bully, hate on ANYONE? What's the point? It doesn't make you look big and bad. It makes you look scared, threatened and jealous.

They say that the best revenge is success.

I've always taken this to heart and I've never thrown down and fought; I've never had any sort of yelling altercation (verbal or email written); I am more of a person to just pretend that you never happened to my life and walk away. Cut my losses, collect my remaining chips and just leave the table. It's my goal to remain somewhat graceful in everything. When you lose your dignity, others will lose their respect for you.

The Beauty of Bands

I just applied for a photo pass that I don't intend on being able to receive... but it brought this to mind: I don't know what my favorite bands look like.

...and that's okay with me.

Now, this is where some may say, "But Jodie, isn't your favorite band 100 Monkeys? I know you know what they look like..."

The answer there is not a simple one... Are they my favorite band? Yes... and no...

When a stranger asks me my favorite band, I am (of course) going to say 100 Monkeys, for hopes in recruiting someone new to listen to their music... but if, say... Johnson were to ask me my favorite band(s) I would say Death Cab, Telekinesis, Imagine Dragons, Ingram Hill, Islands, Mumford & Sons, Devil Makes Three, Arcade Fire... etc...

Out of those bands listed there, I have only seen Imagine Dragons and Ingram Hill perform live. I'd be able to recognize all of Ingram Hill easily as I am, shall we say, acquaintances with the lead singer... and along with the lead singer of Imagine Dragons, but with Death Cab, Telekinesis, Mumford & Sons, Arcade Fire and Islands I wouldn't be able to recognize any of them... I would be one of those ignorant fools sharing an elevator with one of them and not say anything just because I don't know who the hell they are!

I truly am just in love with their music.

In all honesty, I do not spend a lot of my time (if any) listening to 100 Monkeys. I get the majority of it whenever I attend a show... and randomly I'll throw on Smoke or Ugly Girl at times just to relive some memories or to miss the boys a little bit...

It's not that I don't love 100 Monkeys or their music. Clearly, I do. In fact, funny story here, I started to like their music in mid/late 2008 and didn't know what any of them looked like (aside from that one fellow, duh...). I saw them for the first time at SBL in August 2009. (Jackson wasn't there due to filming in Can-uh-duh) The Stevedores went on stage and I kept thinking to myself that this band was absolutely insane incredible, even missing Spencer. "Man, the drummer is THE SHIT." I said.

During the toast (which not apart of Thunderdome at this SBL...) and this tall blonde lanky dude in a purple shirt came and stood right in front of me for the toast.

I honest to god had no idea who the fuck he was. Bill Bell asked all the bands and friends of Spencer to come on stage and do the toast... he did so... I thought he was just a friend of Spencer's. He looked at me and cheers'd his Jameson before he took the shot.

A tad later when he (and that drummer that I liked so much) took the stage for 100 Monkeys my mouth hit the floor. I had absolutely no idea that they were a part of the band!

I played it off with the people that I was with... they knew me as the biggest 100 Monkeys fan that they knew -- little did they know that I did not know what this band looked like.

Why?

Because it wasn't important to me. I liked their music and their style, that's all that I cared about.

Later that night I got to chat with Ben for a little bit... we were going to their show the next day at Lucky Strike and when I got back to the hotel I went to their MySpace page and re-read their bios trying to figure out who was who in the band. Jerad was easy - I spent a good twenty minutes trying to figure out which Ben was which. (This was before they had photos with their little personal bios) ...the next day I danced my ass off at Lucky Strike and after the show I got to spend a little time with Ben again - he gave me a cut out guitar pick from an AMC gift card and I got a photo with him.

The rest, they say, is history. He's got to be one of the reasons why I ended up liking the band as much as I do. If he wasn't so sweet and didn't spend as much time with me as he did those first two days/shows - lord knows where I'd be now.

When I saw the band again that November he remembered me. That meant even more to me.

This all started because I requested a photo pass to Death Cab's show in Alabama and their opening act is Telekinesis. I posted a song of theirs on my Facebook and as I was looking for the one I wanted I came across a video of Telekinesis performing at a radio station - I clicked it and it was the first time that I had ever seen the band. I had no idea that the drummer was in fact, also the vocalist and that the bassist was a hot asian chick.

I almost prefer to not know what they all look like... I almost prefer to not know their names, birthdays or marital status -- If I can keep ignorant on all of that -- if they're always just a band with music that I adore, then there's never any sort of bad association with it. Ignorance is bliss. I don't want to know who they wrote their songs about; I just want to apply them to my life.

People.

The people that know you most in life - you may as well trust in them more than you trust in yourself.

You doubt yourself.
You hurt yourself.
You let yourself down.
You stand in your way.
You will set yourself up to fail.
You tell yourself all the things that you will never be smart enough, good enough, pretty enough to do.

The people that know you most in life would never betray you like you betray and belittle yourself.

Those people that were there for you before you got fat... before you got famous... before you earned all that money... before you lost all that money... before you got arrested... before you fixed your nose... ...those are the real people on this planet. Those are the people that will save you from the train that's coming at you full speed. Those are the people that will carry you to the bathroom and put your head in the toilet when you drank the entire bottle of Jameson. You'll beat yourself up about it the next day - they won't; they overlook it and love you regardless...

They don't even love you in spite of all of your flaws - they love you *because* of all your flaws. Without your flaws, you'd be a boring person. Without your flaws, you'd be... someone else. Someone who is not you.

These people love you. They know your soul. They look into your eyes and hear you crying when you have on your brave smiling face for the world... these are the people that matter more than your mother and your father. These are the people that don't only want to hear the good things in your life, they want to hear about all the shit you go through, as well.

These are the people that have not only changed you for the better, but they have made you the person that you are today.

Hold onto these people with both hands and never let go... these people are more precious than gold.

Blatantly Honest: My Weight

Thomas Jefferson said, "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today." I think at one point, we all regret never listing to this wonderful piece of advice. For me, it's been the last decade.

It's no secret that my weight has been a constant issue with me for almost as long as I can remember. I was a thin child (in hindsight), but I was made fun of for being "fat", probably because I was taller than the rest of the children in my class.

I participated in sports (gymnastics, swimming competitions, roller skating, biking, running) and I was constantly outside every day growing up. Yet, I was called "fat" by my peers. I had issues with food starting at a young age, as well. (To which, I cannot discuss my childhood food issues in a public venue such as this, but I will discuss my latter issues.)

If you call someone 'stupid' long enough, they will believe it. I became fat because I believed I already was. Children are hateful and cruel.

I've blocked out a good portion of my life, but I can recall the first time that I ever starved myself.

I was 13 and now living in Kansas City with my mother. I had just been clinically diagnosed with ADHD and depression and I was the biggest girl in my dance class. I don't remember how, but from 5th grade in the small town of Wamego, Kansas to 6th grade in the big city of Kansas City - I gained weight. I don't know how much weight, I don't even properly recall sizes, but I got big. (I was a size 13 in 6th grade, that much I do recall - but I don't know what I was in 5th grade.)

I put Post-It notes on all the food that I wanted to eat to remind myself not to eat it. My mother told me that starving myself wouldn't make me lose weight and that I needed to eat healthy foods.

I also recall that one time I was riding my bike around the lake where I lived when a boy shouted out, "exercise won't help!" ...I told my mother of this and she gently corrected me, "exercise WILL help."

Irony is something that I've always been a fan of. I get tickled when it happens to me in every day life... though, it's not as funny, though still ironic that at 13 years old and a size 13 I was trying to lose weight because I was perceived to be "heavy". Now, here I am 26 years old and I would chop off my left leg if I thought it would help me fit into a size 13.

Ironic.

It's funny how you never see something clearly until you look back at it from a distance.

This photo was taken freshman year of high school (1999) in October right before the homecoming dance. I was so self conscious. Here I thought I would look like a cow compared to my beautiful friend sitting next to me, and in hindsight I realize that I was, in fact, smaller than her. This was a size 12 and I was 5'5. I weighed just under 200lbs.

Just a few months later I met who would be my best friend in the entire world, Jennifer.

This photo was taken February 1, 2000 -- just 5 months after the previous photo. Still 5'5, I now weighed exactly 200lbs and I was about a size 14.

When friends would ask me how much I weighed I would lie and tell them 160. They believed me.

November 24, 2000. 5'6. Weight aprox 210. Size 15. (Yes, those are pleather pants. This was also the first trip that started my love and need for travel; Las Vegas.)

Late July 2002. Age 17. 5'7. Weight 220lbs. Size 20.

2002 is when it all started to get very serious. I went through many life changing events that year. I became very depressed. I started to self-harm. I fought with myself constantly. Binging. Binging. Fasting. Binging. Purging. Fasting. This was the year that the self-destruction began.

2003 was the first year that I lived alone... I was 18 and partying every night of the week. When I look back at that year, I'm honestly surprised that I made it out alive.

2004 is when the self-harming and under-eating were at their peak. I was working for Kansas City's biggest radio station and most popular jock - I was under constant pressure and I was unraveling.

There are not many photos from 2003-2006. It was a very, very dark time for me. I hit my highest weight of 310 in 2005. I was the epitome of spiraling out of control... no one could save me, or even wanted to. I don't think anyone truly knew that there was a problem... and if they did... they didn't want to help.

6 months vegetarian/under-eating regularly with frequent binges. Self-harming under pressure. Self-medicating. May 21, 2007. Weight 290. Size 24.

2007 was hell. I was flown out to Los Angeles to record my first "pop" album from the record label in Kansas City that I was signed to. The short story: the producer was a fucked up individual. I ended up with nothing to show from the trip but a scar on my arm to remind me never to trust again. And also, to never sign to another record label.

October, 2008. Height 5'8, 285lbs, size 22.

My life started to turn around for the better in fall of 2008. Though I was nowhere near my goal weight, I finally got the binging and purging under control, the self-medicating and the self-harming was down to a minimum and I was just really getting into my photography.

The next couple years I went through a bit of a coma. I didn't really binge or purge... I didn't really fast or count calories... I just sort of maintained sub consciously. I was too busy thinking about other things (photography, 100 Monkeys, travel, etc) to really put hardcore effort into losing weight. Sure, it's something that is on my mind each day of my life, but I didn't not lose or gain a substantial amount from 2008-2010 to really make note of it.

Early January 2011, 5'8, 265lbs, size 20.

This photo was taken the last day of the winter tour with 100 Monkeys. 8 shows in 8 days and I lost 15lbs.

I'm now into my weight loss and I've lost a total thus far of 19lbs since leaving Las Vegas on September 2nd. I'm attempting to document the process (which shouldn't be hard since I'm a photographer... hah), and I'll be happy to share the photos once I pass that phase of it and move onto the next.

I have a weight loss goal set for myself to meet each week - thus far I am TWO full pounds ahead of schedule as today was my first "weigh in". :)

I only hope that I can keep this up and meet my ultimate goal weight. (Do not ask - I will not share as of right now.)

I am not ashamed of my weight or sharing these bits of information with you. I am ashamed of how I perceive my body and I am ashamed of how it makes me feel about myself. I am ashamed that I was a child model and that I let myself get to this point. I am ashamed that I had no self control.

I know that each girl (and more guys than will admit) have problems with their weight. Some people handle it the healthy way by cutting out 500 calories and walking a mile each night. Some people handle it by what the disorders in their head tell them to do. We cannot change each other or the way that others think. We cannot change what others think of us and the way that we choose to do things. We can, however, change how others see us.

If you're happy with yourself and your weight just the way you are - then own it and be proud of it, baby! If you want to lose 5lbs or even 100... it all starts with a single step and knowing that you're not alone...

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today...

What's your weight story?

Where I Was On 9.11.2001

In 2001 I spent a lot of my time skipping school. I would only attend two, or maybe three days a week max. By this point I had just given up caring. There were times that I would come to school just for choir and then leave as soon as the class was over.

We had a rotating schedule and so we only had each class every other day... (hence why I would attend two or three days since that's how often I would have choir and my creative writing class...)

September 11th, 2001 was a day that I had all the classes that I hated. I had math, history, science and the only redeeming class was acting on that day... however, the teacher was a slacker and so it basically turned into a study/naptime hour.

I awoke that morning earlier than I usually did and with more energy. I lay in bed wide awake as I pondered getting out and going to school or not. My mind told me that I should stay home... but my body was wide awake and I had nothing to do that day... so I got dressed and went to school... granted, I was late, (I was supposed to be in homeroom by 750a or so) but I was there.

I got to homeroom class about 849a, just as people were jumping to their deaths in Tower 1. I walked into class and the tv was on (muted, as always...) and all the students were chattering amongst themselves. I went and sat at my table when a fellow student told me what had happened.

At this point, no one in my class (or the world outside of the people on that flight) realized that this was a terrorist act. We watched CNN every morning (muted) and all we thought that some fool drove his plane into the World Trade Center on accident or by technical malfunction.

At 900 I was due to be at my first real class of the day. Math.

When I got the class I asked the teacher to put on CNN and she asked me why... (no one in her class had been watching earlier...) I said, "because a plane hit the World Trade Center." She put the tv on and I sat in my seat (in the front row) and I didn't take my eyes off the screen.

She was just getting ready to start class when I watched the live feed on CNN as the second plane hit the South Tower at 903a. I gasped and put my hand over my mouth. She asked me what happened, "another plane just hit the other tower!" "I think that they're just replaying it, sweetie." She said and turned to the tv to hear the astonished newscasters describe what had just been seen. "Oh my god, you're right." She replied.

All we did that day was watch the news. I did not know anyone personally involved. I did not know anyone lost. I had never been to New York yet. I didn't know what to think or feel, honestly.

When I got home from school that day, I turned on the news again. My daddy called me when he got home from work... we didn't know what to say to each other, but I remember he asked me if I was okay. "Yeah, I'm fine... this is just crazy."

Jennifer was very upset by the events and by the amount of people that lost their lives.

I don't think I cried. I think I was shocked... appalled that this could happen to our country. However, now I am proud... I'm proud that we could all come together and love each other harder than ever before. I'm proud that TSA made more hoops for you to jump through to get onto an aircraft. I'm proud that people still believe in this event that changed our country ten years ago.

What's your story? Where were you? Did you know anyone? Lose anyone? Were you in New York? Tell me what happened with YOU.

A Long Deserved Ketchup

The past four weeks I have been on the road.

I saw and went through so many things on this tour. I attended literally half of this tour, which in just half of those dates, that's still longer than any other tour that they or I have ever done before... so I can't imagine them working each day in and day out double what I have done.

I am so very proud of them. My heart is completely full.

So much has happened... so much changed (for the better and the worse) on this tour... but I wouldn't have changed any of it. It panned out perfectly in the end.

I caught the first two shows of the tour back in June up in Cincinnati and Indianapolis. My photos from the Indianapolis shows are now present as the 100 Monkeys photo on their official Wikipedia page and on Jackson's official Wikipedia page. *pause for insanity* ...that's insane, right?

From there I went back to Houston and enjoyed my final time with Liz, whom I had been staying with since the beginning of the year. When I picked up the tour again, I wouldn't be coming back.

Mid-July I went down to Florida to pick up the tour again... Tampa, Orlando, Ft. Lauderdale with a friend - then I met Jennifer up again in Birmingham, New Orleans (where I got Bourbon faced on Shit street... never again... ugh.), Houston, Dallas (where I left the Roaddog with my step mom, who still has her...), Austin (where it was 1000 degrees in the shade...), Tulsa, St. Louis, Kansas City...

I paused in Kansas City and missed the next three shows (from what I heard I didn't miss a whole lot...) so I could spend some time with my Mama... from KC I caught the next ones in Seattle, Spokane, Portland (best run yet), San Francisco (which I attended entirely alone), LA (I had a day off here that I spent alone, as well. It was interesting... this is also where Jennifer re-joined the tour), Las Vegas (another 1000 degree day in the shade...), Anaheim and then we all ended the tour in San Diego.

Of course there were snags here and there - that happens with life and of course that's going to happen when you're traveling and when you're working... but for the most part it was a very positive experience. I don't hold any bad memories with anything. (Except for perhaps NOLA... which was my own damn fault...)

I met some amazing people out this time! So many wonderful people brought me little tokens and things, which was completely amazing and so appreciated! I got several memory cards from people, Golden Flake chips, balloon animals and a DVD, a Best Buy gift card, some people bought me drinks and I got an obscene amount of HUGS!!!! <3 I am so grateful for each of you that took the time to come and say hello, talk to me and give me hugs and smiles. Y'all made it so amazing.

Unfortunately I don't have photos ready to offer up to y'all. I have a few... but I managed to fill up each of my memory cards AND my computer while on the road... so I can't do much until I can afford an external hard drive here in a couple weeks or so. (I'm putting that Best Buy gift card towards it!)

The Florida shows were pretty awesome... I have some great memories from Orlando and I finally got to see that ocean in person. I never had before...

Birmingham is always a good time - that's where a fan brought me an obscene amount of Golden Flake chips and a tour survival kit! <3 ...I have been to the past two shows that 100 Monkeys played at the Workplay theatre and so there was no way that I was going to miss them there this time around. It was so much fun...

I was so happy to get back to Kansas City. I know that I said I was so anxious to leave that town - but after being gone from it for a YEAR I was so happy to see my mother and those streets again. I introduced my mama to the band and she shot the show from the front row with me...

Check out my Mama's photos of 100 Monkeys here! She really enjoyed the show and the guys!

The Pacific Northwest was amazing. I caught up with my friend Kenzie there who lives in Portland and she was so hospitable!! <3 We had a blast in Seattle... it was the first time that I actually explored a city on my day off. We went to the first Starbucks, Pike's Market, the Space Needle and Viretta (Kurt Cobain) park.

For anyone who knows me a tad, knows that I love Nirvana and Kurt Cobain... it was completely emotional and wonderful. I was so moved by it and I felt entirely blessed that I was able to experience it.

The end of the tour was insane... I didn't cry as much as I had imagined, so many laughs were had and a multitude of memories were made. I'll never forget this...

Something that I have taken away from each show/most memorable about the city:

Cincinnati: "You shut up."
Indianapolis: Telling so many people about Spencer Bell.
Tampa: Seeing Bleeding Horse Express for the first time.
Orlando: The tallest stage I have ever encountered.
Ft. Lauderdale: Partying with Cassandra.
Birmingham: "You dance!"
NOLA: "It's so hot..."
Houston: Handcuffs. :)
Dallas: Getting the best email of my life.
Austin: Chain smoking in 110 degree weather.
Tulsa: You see... what had happened was...
St. Louis: Homeless people with records; 40 oz beers; spinning
Kansas City: Introducing my mama to the band!
Seattle: Seeing Kurt Cobain park. <3
Spokane: Being the only one in the photo pit. (That also happened in NOLA & Texas.)
Portland: Dancing harder than I ever have before at a 100 Monkeys show!!
San Francisco: Conversations about death and pants.
LA: BALLOONS!
Las Vegas: Watching the boys zipline across Fremont.
Anaheim: Some people have your back and some want to stab it.
San Diego: Thoroughly getting to say goodbye. <3

Where did I leave that Delorean? I'm ready to do it all over again.