In The Time...

...it takes me to sign into Blogger I forget why I even opened it anyway. Obviously to write a blog, but now I can't remember what about.

I just brewed a pot of coffee.

As I see it, if you can't beat insomnia, embrace it wholeheartedly. More time for work, anyhow. (And by "work" I mean "Reddit".)

The night is the hardest. It always has been. So much unknown out there - and don't get me wrong - I love the unknown. The unknown and the untraveled are the very reason why I even bother with so much that I do... but for the insomniatic, the unknown and the night are terrifying.

My thoughts flood me the minute that I lay down on my bed; the minute that I close my eyes... I am reminded of memories. The times that I laughed and was happy - I catch my breath for fear I will never have those experiences that made me that way again. ...I am reminded of the times that I couldn't catch my breath - the times that a simple touch, smile or inside joke was more than enough to sustain me - the wind is knocked out of me for the fact that I know that I don't have that and that I never will again (so far as I can see). ...I am reminded of the wrong that I have caused to people. All, honestly, unintentional - I catch my breath because if these people ever knew the amount and years of pain it has caused me, perhaps they would forgive me.

Perhaps forgiveness has already been granted. Perhaps I am not as thought of by these people as I once thought.

Who knows.

Sleep deprivation is writing this now. Sometimes it's better that way... better than the alternative.

About 2 years ago I wrote a blog in which I said that I had done wrong to some in my "past lives*" and however unintentional it was, I caused them pain that was unnecessary. I said how I was taking the steps towards being a better person.

I truly believe that I have lived up to that - however, we all make mistakes, and we all have to hurt each other.

So much of my life I have spent walking the fence; always fearing to take sides; always fearing to disappoint anyone or to side on anything...

I rode this fence and instead of speaking my mind and my opinion when I could (and probably should) have, I didn't. I ate it and sat there so as not to disrupt anything or anyone.

This was wrong.

In this process I have hurt people...

But then...

Sometimes you stand up for yourself, your beliefs and your opinions and you hurt people.

We all hurt people.

You've hurt people. You may have hurt someone today. Who knows... but you can be forgiven. If not, I know you can learn to move on.

Your best friend makes a cake and it tastes like shit - you tell him it tastes like shit and his feelings are hurt.

You work really hard on a photo layout and give it to your client - they tell you that they were thinking in going a different direction - you thought this layout was your Sistine Chapel - you are hurt by their words.

A stranger calls you "fat" on the Internet. You are, indeed, plump. You are hurt by their words.

A stranger calls your art "a disgrace". You believe them even though they are trolls. You are hurt.

You break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend and *mean* it when you say you want to stay friends. They are hurt.

...What are the alternatives to these things? No one can truly go through life without hurting anyone. It's life.

Alternatives?

Your best friend makes a cake and it tastes like shit - you eat it anyway and tell him it tastes good; your stomach aches for days and he raves about how he's the greatest baker since Julia Fucking Child. He makes more cake. You are obligated to eat it. ...it would have been easier to just tell him it wasn't great. Then he can get better.

You work really hard on a photo layout and give it to your client - they don't want to tell you that your work was not adequate for the account so they either; A: are pussies and can't man up and tell you, so they hire you and it flops. Or B: they just plain don't call you back and you always wonder if it was your work or something that you said or did in the meeting. ...it would have just been better for you to hear the truth - that way you can improve.

A stranger calls you fat on the Internet. Look... people are always going to troll. Some people just get off making fun of others and inflicting invisible pain. Note that 98% of these assholes wouldn't have the guts to say anything to your face. (I have met some... they hide behind their screens all day, but in fact it's just because they are insecure about themselves.)

A stranger calls your art a disgrace. Work harder. Your art is never finished... then again... neither are the trolls.

You don't break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend... you try to push through the relationship, but in the end you are unhappy and unfulfilled. When the break up finally happens, it's messy and your partner is mad at you for hiding this from them for so long - ultimately you don't get to keep them as a friend. ...it would have been so much better to just be honest at your realization moment instead of dragging something out. If you really can stay friends - friendship is better than nothing. Obviously this person meant something to you if you dated them in the first place.

So yeah... I have hurt people. People have hurt me. It's all recyclable and it's all normal. It doesn't make you (OR ME!) a bad, terrible, awful person. It makes you normal.

Everyone hurts people.

Sure, ignorance is bliss. ...and I enjoy my fair share of ignorance in the right place and time. There's some things that I prefer to be completely blind to (I won't discuss those here), but I love to hear all of the upfront and honest truth from my friends/family/lovers/etc.

I give my friends full permission to ridicule my work. Let me fucking have it. I've been working on a new project lately and I've recruited a couple friends (more to come in the later processes) to look over and proof my stuff... they tell me their opinions. I'd rather have my friends honest opinion knowing full and well that they love me no matter what versus my future employers full and honest opinion on the first day. It's much easier.

The long and short of this is that I hate that I've caused people necessary pain. Normal day-to-day shit. I hate hurting feelings. I'm terrible at it... look at me... I've had insomnia for years because this is the shit that keeps me up at night... this normal shit that everyone goes through and it bothers me so damn much that I hate to close my eyes.

I don't know if anyone else out there thinks these things or has these problems, but I just thought that I would finally get off my chest what's been bothering me for years.

In the coming new year I'm hoping to document in a notebook all the things that bother me about the ways that I've unintentionally hurt people and perhaps what the outcome would have been if I didn't and how I feel me hurting them perhaps bettered our situation... also, the ways people have hurt me, what the outcome would have been if they didn't and how I feel them hurting me bettered our situation. I think this will be cathartic and helpful towards loosening these thoughts that I have.

If you have any suggestions for sleep, insomnia, reciepes I should try, an example of "necessary" pain/hurt, etc... kind words, hate mail, etc. Leave it after the jump and I'll respond to as many as I can. :)

*past lives... In my mind my life isn't broken up into one consecutive thing... because I have so much memory loss of my past the different highlights that I can recall I remember as "past lives". Such as, my childhood (all four years or so that I can piece together), my teenage years (not much of that either), my early 20's (like shuffling through Justin Timberlake concerts and whatnot), and then the now. The "now" I refer to as the last three years of my life.

<3

Why You Wanna Bring Me Down?

If life is made for living and it's based of the goods and bads of karma - why do people feel the need to push the "fuck your life" button?

When someone's life if going right, why can't they just keep it that way? Why can't they just let someone ride out a high and... I don't know... uh... be *happy* for them?

You know, I've done some wrong in this life and I'm really trying to set myself straight -- I have burned some bridges and I feel terrible about each and every one of them, I truly do. I would set it all right and apologize to their faces if I thought that it would change anything or cause peace, but I know better. I know that by speaking to these people it would just set off a chain of events called "DRAMA". The people that I've burned bridges with are good at that...

But I don't understand why they just won't leave me alone. I don't enter their lives, I don't even mention them in small talk or casual conversation... why can't they grant me the same gift?

I suppose I should be something like "flattered" that they still think of me, however I'm bothered that they still bother me and try and press my buttons.

I used to want everyone to like me, I used to want acceptance. Then I woke up and realized that was never going to exist. The best that I can do is do the best for myself, take what I was given and try to get through life smiling or faking it.

Please know that words hurt others. Maybe words have never hurt you, so maybe you're the one who does the hurting. Someday, I have faith, the tables will turn and you'll get hurt by someone's careless choice of words... then maybe you'll take the time to see that it's not all peaches and cream and that you were wrong.

...Or perhaps no one will ever hurt you and you'll continue to go about your peaceful existence. That would be fine too. I suppose as long as I have pain, I'll have art. That is something that these *bridges* don't have.