Wish You Were Here - Did I Already Title One That?

"wouldn't leave you to go to Heaven,
I carry you in my smile..."

I just got out of the bath and while I was soaking I thought to myself... "maybe if I put out there what kind of guy i'm looking for, he'll come to me..."

So i've compiled a list of everything I WANT in a guy.

-I want him to not have time to take off his clothes to console me while I'm crying in the bath and he jumps in to dry my tears.
-I want him to fully accept who I am, my friends and family.
-I want him to look at me in awe, as I return it and look at him with adoration.
-I want him to make grand gestures of his love for me, not fearing that he will embarrass me or himself.
-I want him to be motivated to fullfill his dreams.
-I want him to want to have kids with me and stop at nothing to have them.
-I want to make him happy and he should want to make me happy.
-I want him to be unselfish.
-I want him to marry me and want to make our marriage work no matter what.

I'm sure I could go on forever... If you know someone out there who fits all of these qualities and is single... call me. LOL

Watched Monster's Ball today and didn't know that Heath killed himself in it... scared the shit out of me and I burst into tears and I couldn't stop. Someone should have warned me about that.

Jennifer saw 10 Things I Hate About You for the first time last night. It actually made me really happy to see it again. I used to watch it all the time when it first came out. :-) Adored it just like I adored him. I thought he was so sexy as the sensitive bad guy.

Watched A Knights Tale after Monster's Ball... I loved that one, I thought he was just adorable as pie. It made me cry... it was a really touching story. Plus he looked hot.

So the weight loss hasn't been going like I planned... I've been doing pretty good, but I still haven't lost much. I'm trying to fit into these size 22 shorts for Ohio, which isn't that far... Tomorrow is a complete binge... planned, of course. Our friend is moving away and we're gonna party and stuff. :-) Then Saturday I guess I have to buckle down. I need to exercise more.

Well, I guess that's all today...

xoxox

But Ah My Foes

"My mama told me go on and let you go,
Said you would be more problems than I would ever know,
Said, if he's gonna go then let him go away..."

Got bored... made some Heath icons. :-)


I adore this photo, so I just wanted to keep it simple. :-)




I adore that last photo too. :-)

These are my 2 favorites:

That poem on the last one was read by him father at his funeral.

My candle burns at both ends;

It will not last the night;

But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -

It gives a lovely light

I know, I know... I've been O.B.- sessed lately. I can't stop... I don't know whats wrong with me, but he's literally all I think about. I can't sleep at night, I just spend all my time online trying to learn more and more. I already knew a lot about his life -- I followed his career from 10 Things -- but I just wanna find those little hard to find details... I can't stop... *embarassed*

I'll try and talk about something else now...

After we all get settled into our new places -- which -- I'm moving Monday... believe it?? I don't. Fuck me. After we get settled -- Jasmine is having a tattoo party and like, $100 can buy like 4 or 5 tattoos. These tattoo artists do this on the side to earn extra money. I'm stoked. Why? Because I have like 4 or 5 I want!! LOL

Now, I don't know if I'll do that... but I do want to finish my back, touch up all my others, and I have a couple that I want. ;-)

Loves and stuffs.

xoxox

ARGH! I'm Sick!

"so what happened to bulletproof weeks in you arms?
what happened to feeling cheap radio songs?
What happened to thinking the world was flat?"

So I went to Jasmine's son's 4th birthday on Sunday night. Monday morning I woke up and couldn't breathe, my throat hurt so badly I couldn't swallow and voila!! I'm sick.

I have the worst immune system in the world. :-(

Jennifer and I went to see Batman for the 3rd time on Monday. God, I swear I will never get tired of this film. I love it so fucking much.

Speaking of Heath -- maybe you can help me out -- I found this article:

http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/entertainment/Heath+Ledger-52778.html
& here's the article with a photo:
http://www.mtv.com/movies/news/articles/1585063/story.jhtml

Now here's where you can help me--can you find a picture of the tattoo on Holly or Terry Gilliam?? That's not a very good quality of the tattoo in the photo. :-( I would like to see it better, closer up. Please help me. This is very important to me.

And still speaking of Heath... today I found a very disturbing photo of him. Now, of course I followed everything they wanted to say about him after his death, and I saw his body wheeled away in the black bag and I literally stopped breathing... I saw the wooden casket he was in... but this was more disturbing to me by far.

It's from his last film and I won't say anything about it other than it left me absolutely speechless. View it at your own risk. He was filming a scene from the movie.

http://i38.tinypic.com/2zqc70h.png

and here's one taken at the same time -- less shocking though.

http://i34.tinypic.com/14maq7d.png

Now for the pic of the day, something a little happier of Heath. LOL



His eyes say so much. He has great expressions. Luv him.

xoxox

I Hate Spanish Television

Every time I come on break they have Univision blasting. Jenn and I are the only 2 white girls who work here. Its literally 98% Mexican.

Everything about this job annoys me.

I called in sick yesterday, which I shouldn't have done because I need the money... I'll just refrain from calling in from here on out, I reckon.

I still need to get my bank acct and I'm buying my plane ticket home from Rachel this week.

I get paid Tuesday night before I leave Wednesday morning to see Rachel, but I'm still in a predicament on how I'm gonna cash my check. That's the only money I'll have for the trip.

My breaks over, back to the office.

Ugh, shoot me.

Xoxox

Jack Nasty

"how come everytime you come around my
London, London bridge wanna go down..."

Just watched Brokeback Mountain and it made me cry my eyes out like a wittle babay.

Sometimes I think that man was perhaps too talented for his own good... sometimes I think that maybe he didn't realize just how good he was.

The film was great and I absolutely adored it. The trasitions between years weren't as notable as I would have hoped and it kind of left me in the dark a bit at times. I hadn't even realized that 20 years had passed until they said something. But it wasn't really a major problem.

It was completely tragic, but unfortunately accurate to how gay cowboys would have lived/been treated from 1963-1980's. Sad, but true.

If you haven't seen it, I really hope that you take the time out to go rent it. It's worth it.

So, the yesterday Jenn and I are bored so we go to Hollywood video and she gets an acct. I found a trillion movies that I want to see and I can't even begin to make my list! We rented Batman (1989) and then Brokeback Mountain. I needed a Batman and a Heath fix and since I can't go see The Dark Knight again until the 1st, I decided to go with those. LOL

I hadn't seen the original Batman in so many years that it was like seeing it for the first time! Unbelievable. Sometimes I can't believe that I'm a product of the 80s. There were a few outfits that Kim Basinger wore that actually really weren't that bad. I might even wear them now. But my god! That hair!! Those huge glasses!!! She looked like the spitting image of my mother in those days. Incredible.

At the time I'm sure this movie was very cutting edge, but Lord. I can actually see the strings that Michael Keaton was on. The visual effects are shotty and I could probably do a better job with Windows Movie Maker nowadays... but damn... it's still such a great film.

The score is perfect. I love it. It's probably the best part of that film. And the fact that Michael Keaton is in it and he was a badass Batman. :-)

Next time Jenn and I rent a movie we're going to get the next installment of Batman and I was gonna go for another Heath movie, but I don't know... I have really wanted to see Marie Antionette. Have you seen it? She fascinates me. Was it good?

Loves you.

xoxox

Pic:



"Love Is A Force Of Nature"

All too true... and Heath is a top. ;-)

EDIT::: Great Heath news!!!

http://perezhilton.com/2008-07-24-heaths-legacy

Before Heath Ledger's untimely death earlier this year, the Australian actor was a partner and investor in a bar he planned to open in Brooklyn.

Well, now, the bar is going ahead as planned!

Heath's father, Kim, was convinced that Ledger would have wanted the bar to move forward. So, being the executor of his estate, he allowed the release of the funds his son had previously allocated for the project.

A Brooklyn boy until shortly before his passing, Heath's bar is located at the corner of Lorimer Street and Bedford Avenue in Greenpoint (Brooklyn), New York.

The new venue has a nautical theme and it is going to be called Five Leaves (after "Swan cigarette papers that tell you when there are just five left in a package").

It will be opened before the end of the year.

--

Click the link to see a picture of the bar.

This is fantastic news! I couldn't be happier! Partly because Jennifer and I were planning on trying to make the trek up to NYC for her birthday! ;-) Can't wait. We HAVE to go now!

Lady Marmalade

"Iz you iz or iz you ain't gon' give me a ride, she said
Iz that you with the Lambourgini is that your car parked outside?
I said yeah thats my car, duh,
and if you want to you can go,
But let me know if it's getting too late and if not I'll catch me another, ho"

I had an amazing dream last night. It was very vivid. I was in our new house and we had a very specific bathroom -- it was Moulin Rouge themed. When I woke up I decided to go with it, figuring that I had had that dream for a reason.

Until the dream happened and I realized the dream was exactly what I wanted, the upstairs bathroom was going to be sea/sailor themed. Blue and yellow walls with white handtowels featuring little blue anchors. Now that I have this new idea for the upstairs bathroom, the anchors will have to settle themselves downstairs in the half bath.

Now the bathroom will be red with black accents. In my room I explained that the bathroom had the burlesque theme because in the bathroom [when you're getting ready] is where you feel your sexiest.

Let's face it, we've all stood and played coy in the bathroom mirror, perhaps pretending to kiss it or be someone we're not. My bathroom is going to be smothered with sex.

To begin explaining this, I should first tell you that the bathroom is literally big enough to not only live in, but to have a love seat in there. In fact, the people who lived there before Jasmine did just that. I was on Target.com today and found the perfect floor lamp and sitting bench. Also I found a floor mirror, black, to put in there.

I want a black shower curtain and black or classic silver or gold accessories for the bathroom, like the toothbrush holder, etc. I was also thinking of stringing a bunch of tiny christmas lights in the "sitting area" of the bathroom for ambiance.

I have been toying back and forth on the colors to paint my room, first I wanted it to look like a Victoria's Secret bag and I was going to get those 2 specific pinks and paint my room in stripes like the bag. Then I realized that that is way over my painting ability and I decided to just paint my room in 2 different pinks--then I realized I was 23 and I don't want a pink room like I did when I was 8. So then I started looking at paint samples and thought I had settled on calvary blue (dark like navy) and a gray... but it really lacked any substance and I was very disconnected from the color.

Currently the room that I will occupy is painted bright red. I hate it. If I could take that red and move it to the Moulin Rouge bathroom, I'd love it... but I can't do that, can I?

Jenn had changed her mind on her room more times than she's ever changed her underwear but her new idea is to have a "theme" for her room, and of course she picked -- penguins. She's going to paint one wall white and 3 of them light "ice" blue to make the room look frozen. Then she's going to hand photos of penguins and arrange all her penguins.

So Jenn tells me that I should come up with a theme for my room. All I'm thinking now is "wtf am I supposed to do?!" and she starts suggesting like cities, or multiple cities, or Hollywood... and then I'm like, "okay... I like the Hollywood one... but how do I do that?" and she's like, "i don't know what color to paint your room, but you could hang photos of celebs..."

So that was as far as Jenn helped me for picking my room, but I decided to take the Hollywood theme idea and run with it. I can completely see my room. I've been shopping all day online at Target.com for ideas and things that I want to get for my room and my Moulin Rouge bathroom.

I was unsure on what color to paint my walls, but I think maybe a light pink or Champagne color. I found a really nice bedspread, but the bedspread shouldn't really matter in this room.

I'm going to get a room seperator and put a light behind it to shine through, a lamp chandalier, I'm going to get some different colored satin pieces of cloth and black lace and hand them on the walls to give them texture, I have a vintage style floral chair and I'm going to paint it black and drape some of the pieces of cloth over it too, have a few floor lamps for ambiance lighting, drape pearls throughout the room, floor mirror and vanity, maybe a trunk to use as a dresser, candles for ambiance and a couple hatboxes throughout the room. Also, on the walls 10 black framed photos of celebrities. 5 of them are "new" celebs" and 4 of them are "old" celebs, one of them is a duplicate person, different photo. LOL

Marilyn Monroe (2 photos)
Audrey Hepburn
Elvis
Frank Sinatra
Kurt Cobain
Heath Ledger
Reese Witherspoon
Drew Barrymoore
and, of course, Justin Timberlake

I went online and found HQ photos of the 10 I wanted and then I took them into photoshop and resized them and saved them as 8x10's. Some of the people were harder to find good pics of. Kurt and Heath were the hardest to get HQ photos of. I already had the photo of Justin that I wanted to use. Drew and Reese were the easiest. My 2 favorite photos are of Drew and Heath. When I finally found the picture of Heath I was amazed. It was exactly what I had in mind.

Here are my 10 photos. It's going to cost my a fortune to buy 10 frames. Ick.


She looks so glamourous here.






God, I love that photo. Bliss.

One of my all time favorite photos of Miss Reese.

She's the epitome of glamour right there. She's always flawless.

Gemma sent me this black and white photo last year when I first bought my computer. It was the first photo I saved to my comp and it's my favorite photo of Justin. :-) I have never found it anywhere else, so thank you Gemma. ;-)

I can't wait to get my room started and I really can't wait to get it finished! It's going to be perfect. I love the idea of it and I can't wait to execute it!

xoxox

The Tortilla Chips Are Mocking Me

"Suppose I say I am on my best behavior,
There are times I lose my worried mind
Would you want me when I'm not myself,
Waiting out while I am someone else..."

Done so good today on not eating. I didn't feel good this morning, so it wasn't hard to abstain from the McD food. I went to my car for my break and emailed Gemma. That was fun. :-)

Ofc, now here I am sitting in my room, which, at the moment seems to be the coolest room in the house (90+ in here still.) and there's some tortilla chips by my bed and I wanna eat em. LOL

How many tortilla chips have I eaten in my life? Thousands?!? Ya, if I ate them I would just be so sad. This week I'm fasting. Started today and I can eat again on Sunday. :-) This will be good for me.

Soooo... Rachel met her future husband, David Cook, today. :-) I'm so happy for her! She's loading her pics now, I can't wait to see them. Gaaawd. AHH! It's killing me.

Have to work one more day. LOL Tomorrow is 2 weeks from move out/in day!!! We've packed::: NAAAADA!! WOO! LOL Also tomorrow I'm taking Jennifer to see the Dark Knight. I've built it up so much that she's gonna hate it. LOL

Anyhow, I have a task to complete now.

Peace.

xoxox

Photo Post

"Now you wanna call me on my phone,
Every time you see another boy in my door
Oh boy, you shoulda thought of that before,
Now you wanna come home when you're alone,
It's the same 'ol, same 'ol
Sad scenario, every time you say you wanna be solo
Oh boy you shoulda never let me go
But you've done it before and now I know it's the
same 'ol, same 'ol..."

Let's get down to bizznass.

Tomorrow Jenn and I are starting a 12 week boot camp to lose weight. The goal is to lose between 50-60 pounds. We'll be taking photos of the journey and recording our weight, inches and sizes.

The plan is to work out for (at least) 30 minutes everyday, there will be a series of fasts and when we're not fasting we're on a restricted calorie vegetarian diet.

The Vegan plan is too hard to do at this moment. So, scratch that I said that -- we're doing a vegetarian diet. After we complete this 12 week program, we'll talk about being Vegan. It is a goal for us though.

We have 2 "free days" in the 12 week plan, and 2 planned "free days" -- when you're on a "free day" you're still expected to only eat what's needed and remain vegetarian. Our planned free days are August 1st (when we're going out with a friend who's moving far far away...) and August 4th (when we're moving. We're also buying dinner for those who are moving... Gotta have energy!)

Jenn asked me what I was going to do about Rachel because I'm in a restricted calorie week the week that I'm there and I told her that I was just going to behave as best as possible.

My life normally revolves around food, which is not normal or good for anyone... and I'll be with RACHEL -- life should revolve around that, not what we're going to eat. I'll deal with it when I get there. There's always small portions and fasting when I come home. I'm not going to let 4 days ruin 12 weeks. That's what I told Jenn. :-)

Reasons why I should do this 12 week program/boot camp:

I'm incredibly fat. No, scratch that. I'm incredibly morbidly obese.

Do you know what part of that sentence makes me shiver? "Morbidly". That's not a nice word.

Back to reasons:

I refuse to be the same size as my age. :-S
I don't want a premature death -- I like life, actually.
I don't want to get fatter and become immobile like some people are.
I want to be able to walk up stairs without getting short of breath.
I want to run and nothing jiggles. *giggles*
I want to wear cute clothes.
I want to not sweat and be gross.
People say I'm so beautiful, I want to be beautiful everywhere.

I probably could go on forever.

Main reason I want to do this??? I don't have a reason why I shouldn't.

I've been putting off being HEALTHY for far too long. Some of you --okay, most of you-- won't agree with some of my tactics, but do you agree with me being fat? No. I am not pushing this too far or going too fast. I know my limits. :-)

I took my first before picture today. I boxed off part of it and made it smokey -- you don't get to see the FULL photo for 12 weeks from tomorrow. ;-) BUT! I will post pics along the way and then in 12 weeks there will be a nice big huge post of before and after pics.

I'm going to make too big of a deal about this -- then I HAVE to lose the weight. Otherwise, not only am I a failure to myself, but I've also failed you and proved you RIGHT. I hate doing that. No more.

So here you go, peeps::: picture of me - TODAY. Have at it and rip it to shreds. I'd love to hear what you think, really. :-)


Yup, 284 lbs. Size 24, 50" waist. *gaaaa, hate that last part. I can deal with the rest, but that was the part that was severely hard to write.*

Highest I ever weighed was 290 in 2004.

Goal in 12 weeks?? Realistically, 220. That's 64 lbs. By tomorrow morning I'll be 280 (I lose water weight/sodium weight really quickly.) so I think that 60 lbs in 12 weeks is very reasonable... do you?

Alright -- enough with the weight, let me catch you up on PHOTOS!!!


Jenn and I at Heather's wedding...

At the Casino...

Drinking at the casino! LOL It's what it's good for. LOL

I ADORE this photo of Bella. She was on my lap when Jenn took it, we were driving down to Wamego for the 4th. ;-) She's got such personality!

Jenn was holding Bella this time and I'm a good multitasker. :-) Drive and take pics. I love her lil tongue.

I pray to the snocone Gods.

Jenn and I at the carnivaaaal.

Jenn and I at the swimming pool on the 3rd... Jenn just went off the high dive. Which I have video of. ;-)

Jenn looking all Justified. LMAO!

Me in mah new swaaamsuit.

Nah, YOU a punk.

We did it pretty small this year since we only had one day to light shit off.

Even when we do it small, we do it BIG.

The whole neighborhood looked liked this!

Looking all cute with my new dress and purse going to Thriving Ivory. (Which was lame.)

Took this the other day, I adore it. It's a moment. :-)

Look at that tongue!! She's a hot dog.

Does that make up for all my missed Pics of da day? Hope so!

Comments are appreciated. I try and comment ALL of your blogs, but somehow I never get the same back.

xoxox

PSSST: I forgot to add -- 12 weeks from tomorrow is when we're leaving for Las Vegas. ;-)

AHHHH... full circle.

Why So Serious?

I saw The Dark Knight today and it was - incredible.

Since I was a child watching the old Adam West series, I've been obsessed with Batman. Even being Batman for Halloween a few times.

It was lonely going to the movie alone, but it was still incredible.

Let's talk about what was the best part, though... Heath Ledger.

His performance was tortured and marvelous. Some said his approach of method acting and his all around wickedness might be above some peoples heads as he played the Joker - but I don't think so. He made the Joker a person...

Heath definitely showed his range and adaptability in this role as well.

I hope everyone who goes to see it enjoys it as much as I did.

I love the Batmobiles new makeover, but speaking of - we need to talk to the makeup department, while they spent so much time on Heaths face they forgot about Maggie Gylenhaal. She looked tired and haggard. Normally she's such a beautiful girl.

The only part I didn't like about the film was Christian Bale as Batman. I hated the distortion on his voice and he's got such an awkward mouth that everytime he was on the screen its all I could focus on... Not that he was BAD, just not my favorite Batman.

(which for those who care was Michael Keaton and George Clooney)

Heath was just realizing his true potential and this film captures it.

In Memory Of Heath.

Deleting

You can delete me from your life, but unfortunately, I can't delete your DNA from mine.

The person who gave birth to me wants nothing to do with me anymore.

I can't call her my Mama, Mommy, Mom, Mother - because she's specifically asked me to call her "Jen".

Do you know for foreign that is to me to call this person Jen after I've called her Mama for 23 years?

She doesn't want me in her life anymore because I "disrespected" her. Meanwhile she has no idea how hard it is to give a person respect when you don't know if they love you anymore, if they want you in their life - which clearly they don't... I'm not going to call her Jen! Never. That's insulting. I will call you what I've called you for 23 years or I won't call you @ all... Which, that's what we're going to do. We're not speaking.

I asked her to drive the truck when we move... Not have to lift a box @ all - and she said no because I didn't help her move... Well I helped PAM move! And I hate Pam!!

She told me to ask my Daddy... Well he's 2 hours away... Does that really make sense? No. She said that he's my "precious Daddy" and I'll never ask him for anything. Let's see, he bailed me out of jail and talked to me on the phone every day I was in there. Meanwhile, you wouldn't. He fixed my computer and is being patient while I pay him back... I ask him for things. Not stupid things tho.

My Mama chose Pam over me.

Wow, that really sucks.

WOW! LIFE RAWKS.

"love me, love me, say that you love me...
need me, need me, just say that you need me..."

Life is going fantasmic.

I have 2 interviews on Thursday. :-) One is for a server position at an "upscale retirement home". LOL And the other is for a bartender position at Houlihan's. It's so new it hasn't been built yet.

I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait.

I want the Houlihan's position more than anything. More than I've wanted anything in a really long time.

Both of my parents were bartenders, and that's how they met. :-)

Pics of da day:



I.
Fucking.
Loveeee.
Those.

xoxox

Start Those Drums

"I got soul but I'm not a solider."

Interesting week, and interesting 24 hours...

Worked yesterday morning and didn't feel good, tried to go home and my bitch of a manager, Jennifer, wouldn't let me. LOL So then I feel better once I'm finally off work, and I take Jennifer to work... meanwhile I haven't been sleeping the days that I work because I get home at 11p and don't get to bed until about 1a... now I know what you're thinking - get to bed sooner -- well I do! I lay there, but if I'm not tired, how can I fall asleep?!?? Exactly.

So I've only been getting about 2 hours of sleep a night before I have to get up and go to work the next morning -- so last night I take Jennifer to work and I go home and chat with Rachel for a bit and then I take a nap. LOL I get up and go get her from McDonalds, have a salad on the house and we get out of there about 10ish... we're on our way home and at 1010 she gets a call from Jared, the GM of our McD and he wants her to work overnight @ 11... she says yes and goes to McD in the same clothes she's been in for what will now be 3 shifts...

I finally pick her up this morning at 8a after sitting in rush hour and after she's literally worked at McD for 24 hours straight.

Her check better be huge.

To continue with the McD talk, the day before yesterday someone came through and paid for their McNugget meal with the legendary AmEx Black card. I had never held one before and it was an awe inspiring moment. The card was thick, cold and made of metal. I slid it slowly and although I knew the answer, I held it tight in my paws until "Approved" popped up on my screen. Then the lady drove off in her Escalade.

That was a highlight of my day, it was incredible. I want one so bad. So bad, but hell, I don't even have a credit card now so dreaming of that Black card is about as close as I'll ever get to it.

You know, while we're still talking about money and McD, let me be honest with you -- I'm nicer to rich people... people who come through in nice Merdedes', BMW, Escalades, etc... I'm nicer to them... I'm not nice to ANYONE when I'm taking orders, I hate taking orders, but I love taking money... it's my favorite thing to do... So when someone pulls up in a nice car, I take a moment to ask how their day is... I've found some of the nicest people to be in the nicest cars.

I know it's wrong... I didn't say it was right, but with money, status and a BMW comes my respect. Yours may not come with it, but they have mine. Now -- on the flip side of that, if it's some teenage chick driving a brand new BMW?? I'm a BITCH.

:-)

This morning when I was going to pick Jennifer up from McD, Thriving Ivory was on Mix doing an in studio and after they were going to give away tickets to their show tonight at RecordBar. (VERY TINY venue... Super small.) So Jennifer just got out of work from 3 eight hour shifts at McD and I make her sit in the parking lot until they say to call to win... LOL It was like, 20 mins. LOL I feel bad... but hey, I called and got tickets to the show tonight!! We're excited to go!

(OT: when I went to pick up my tickets at the station, besides the awkward feeling of it being the first time I was there since I left Lucas his last day in late April 05 --- the receptionist had the WORST highlights I've ever seen on a human.)

We haven't had a show since Buble... which, btw -- he broke up with Emily Blunt and Jennifer couldn't be happier. She's mind fucking him already. ;-)

Pic of the Day:

Well I searched high and low for something to post here, but I just couldn't find a goddamn thing.

I want a new tattoo and I want mine touched up/finished.

So much to do.

xoxox

They Dont Like It When I Smell Like Bourbon

"he was high on intellectualism,
I've never been there,
But the brochure looks nice..."

I'm on break, having a good day @ work actually. Its going quite fast. :)

Jenn and I are in back drive thru together today and we're cracking up and having a good time. This guy in a Porsche asked if I had to get up early and I said I had to get up @ 330. He said "well if I was your age I would just go from the bar to work..." I said, "well they don't like it when I come in smelling like Bourbon."

Jenn cracked up for like half an hour. Lol


Jenn and I see signing papers for our house on Wednesday! We're gonna get a truck to move on the first Wed in Aug!! Woo!

Jenn and I are having a competition... She seems to be GAINING weight instead of losing it, so I challenged her to lose 15 lbs. The first person to lose 15 wins... Loser buys airplane drinks to Vegas. She won't want to lose. ;)

Almost time to go back to the office. ;)

Peace.

I'll Make It Up To You

"I've been changing, think it's funny how no one knows..."

*deep cleansing breath*

*sigh*

life. is. fantastic.

God delivers.

Good things happen to good people.

and -- as I've been told many times before...

you get what you deserve.

I am not a believer in waiting for good things to happen to you. I am not a believer of things falling into your lap... the chips fall where they may and all, and I'm all for seeing how the pieces fit -- but I don't believe ANYONE ever got ANYTHING by just WAITING for it to happen...

Until now.

Someone upstairs is really looking out for me. :-)

Monday night I had another -- shall we call it -- episode, Tuesday night Jasmine offered us her home, Wednesday we went to look at it and today I learned we got it.

I had started this "episode" because of things that I had found in my house. It's nonsense for me to go into details about something that is now in the past, but it hurt me -- I wrote a letter to Jennifer explaining some things and yadda, xanax, yadda, klonopin, yadda, closer to death than I'd been since January... yadda...

Tuesday night I went to work with Jennifer to soak up the free WiFi and Jasmine mentioned that she was wanting to move and that we could have her house... $650/month, 2 bedroom 1 1/2 bath, huge huge huge... I won't know what to do with all the space!

We went to see it Wednesday and we fell in love with it... not in the best neighborhood, but we'll have ADT, and I have actually decided that I want to purchase a handgun for security.

Let's face it, it's no secret that upstairs I'm a bit mixed up and part of that is paranoia... I know living in this neighborhood, with it's reputations, willnot dull those fears down... so I've decided that I'll need to make myself feel secure.

One of my concers with purchasing a gun would be my own depression, but I feel that I would have to be completely off my rocker to actually take my life and like that. Most of my suicude attempts are crys for help and attention, not actual death.

So then Thursday Jasmine let's us know that we got the house! She talked to the person who owned it and we're going to finish out her lease and then sign one of our own when hers is over.

I've already started picking up paint samples and we're planning tons for the house! We're very excited to pick up and move! 34 days! (Also 34 days until I go see Rachel! WOO!)

Now, I just got an email from my Mother and she's unhappy with the neighborhood. She says that I should move elsewhere and I've tried to make it clear to her that with our current situation that that is impossible. The house is equipped with ADT, I'm going to go over plans for everything and have mase and a gun. I am not sure when I'm going to get a gun, but it's on my list of things to do.

It's not like I'm going to be socializing much with the neighbors, I keep to myself a lot. We have a shit car, so if they wanna steal it -- be my fucking guest.

Why is it that neighborhoods like this get such a bad reputation? The drive down to the house?? Not the most assuring... Not gonna lie, made me nervous... not scared. Nervous. The actual STREET that I'd be living on? One way. The only kids are Jasmine's and she'll be living across the street. There are 2 old people that live next door.

One we move in, I'm changing the locks and getting an extra deadbolt plus a chain lock for the front and back doors. I don't trust anyone.

I'm not worried when I'm IN the house that I'll have any problems. Sure, there are problems that go on AROUND the neighborhood and outside the house, but I can't control what other people do.

I can't control that there as much as I couldn't control it here.

Here, in Gladstone... in this "GREAT" neighborhood -- in the 3 years we've lived here someone was stabbed, a woman was beaten in broad daylight in the parking lot, cars were broken into -- including ours -- people call names and whistle, I have to deal with noise here EVERYDAY.

Tell me THIS PLACE is safe??

It's not. It's trashy and I'm not like these people -- so I'm moving. Life is what you make it and I'm going to make mine a helluva lot better than this.



My new home.

xoxox

OMG!

Dude.

Today was an insane day. Completely amazing.

As of midnight I have bought my tix to go see Rachel! Woo! August 13th... Know what else will be happening around Aug 13th?

Moving!!!!!!

I'll explain more better later, but a HUGE 2 bedroom house could be ours in August... We're going to look @ it @ 8a... You have no idea how happy I am.

God really does listen and really does answer prayers. Talk to him and he'll respond.

Will post photos and more info later. :)

Xoxox

Blogged from BlackBerry.

Oh It's Been So Long!

"help me out, you know you gotta help me out,
oh don't you put me on the back burner..."

Once again, please excuse my tardiness, life's been crazy -- what parts I'm actually living -- and busy as all Hell. I haven't even turned on my comp for a while and while I've wanted to update y'all on what's been going on, I just didn't have the motivation to add THAT to my long list of everythings.

I don't even know when the last time I blogged was, but since then I'm sure I've had da 4th of July... which besides lighting fireworks off with my dad -- sucked. I haven't ever driven so much in one weekend, it's absolutely retarded.

We drove down the 1st... which we stopped in Topeka to get a key to my Dad's house first, had Olive Garden with my Mom and she told me that for the next day she would let me borrow her Honda to drive to the concert instead of driving our air conditioner-less car. It's a 5 speed, which I learned on when I was 8, but I haven't really driven one in a few years... so from Olive Garden she made me drive home... I killed it like 7 times. LOL

We went to Wamego and that night was the bracelet night at the carnival, had a couple panic attacks, had a couple sno cones... realized I'm OVER the carnival.

Next day as we're driving on this part of I-70 that is LITERALLY nothing, we got a flat tire, that pushed us back an hour... finally we got to Topeka and got my step mom's car --- and the entire day that I had the car -- I DIDN'T KILL IT ONCE! No lie... Jenn's there to vouch. ;-)

Warped Tour was pretty sweet, didn't get to spend as much time with Kelly as we had thought, BUT I did get some kick ass PETA stickers, and as of July -- I am Vegan. :-) I have never been so proud of it either. It's amazing. My body feels better than it's ever felt in my whole life.

I had tried to remain Vegetarian since the beginning of this year, but had some "slips". It's an ongoing process... being Vegan is, for me -- believe it or not -- easier than being Vegetarian. I love it. Being Vegan means that I consume no animal products, no red meat, pork, chicken, fish, eggs, milk, cheese -- any dairy... etc... anything that says it's made with it - not going in me.

In the PETA information we picked up at the Warped Tour about being Vegan it said that it was an ongoing process, obviously there are going to be some times when I can't escape having something made with eggs or milk when I'm at a restaurant, but you just have to try your hardest... no like meat and cheese ziti or something.

Jenn and I went to Fazoli's yesterday and I had a salad with italian dressing (can't have the italian dressing at McD, it has anchovies in it. ;-) also obviously no more ranch or ceasar, not that those are good for you anyhow and you can get the Vegan version at Whole Foods or Wild Oats.) so we were at Fazoli's and I had a salad and spaghetti with marinara... not gonna lie, had some shake'em cheese on it, but like it said -- ON GOING PROCESS. ;-)

Every little bit counts.

We got some bumper stickers, like:





Wanna be a Vegetarian or see what it's all about??? Click here to order your FREE Veg starting kit. ;-) I have one, you should too. Just get it and then decide! http://www.goveg.com/order.asp

Here's a few quick facts: http://www.goveg.com/healthConcerns.asp

The consumption of meat, eggs, and dairy products has also been strongly linked
to osteoporosis, Alzheimer's, asthma

Vegetarians and vegans live, on average, six to 10 years longer than meat-eaters.

Quotes from Veg Celebs::

"I think there's something odd about eating another living anything." —Shania
Twain

"Since I've gone vegetarian, my body has never felt better and my taste buds have been opened up to a whole new world. It's one of the most rewarding choices I've ever made and I invite you to join me in living a healthy, cruelty-free lifestyle."—Alicia Silverstone

“I try to stick to a vegan diet—heavy on fruit, vegetables, tofu, and other soy products.”—Clint Eastwood

“If anyone wants to save the planet, all they have to do is just stop eating meat. … It‘s staggering when you think about it. Vegetarianism takes care of so many things in one shot: ecology, famine, cruelty.”—Sir Paul McCartney

"Every time we sit down to eat, we make a choice. Please choose vegetarianism. Do it for … animals. Do it for the environment, and do it for your health." - Alec Baldwin

:-) Just some little things for you to chew on.

Let's see, what else now... ahh, hell. I think that's enough for now. LOL

I need my Ramsay fix.

xoxox