I Need A Minute

Oof... great. I don't have any icons on my new computer...

Hang tight.

"Faced with the andriods conundrum..." 






So... today I got my very first MacBook Pro. :) I am a little too happy about it. It has been named "West". (Understand that or divorce me... hehe...)

Jennifer has adopted my old computer, though I still have stuff on it that I need to get off... :-/ Unfortunately my hard drive is completely full and so I'm kinda fucked there for a second...

This computer is so fast that it's already next week at my fingertips.

I already have plans for the computer. *snickers* I'm sure you'll see soon enough or something.

I'm tired.

Jennifer has a blog now that she has a computer... she's pretty excited about it... www.readbeforeyouspeak.wordpress.com

Lord knows when she will have it up and running... I have done my part and now I pass it on to her. :)

Everything that I want to talk about I can't talk about... huh. It always ends up like that, doesn't it?

Let's just say that I'm extremely happy for the moment and that I'm looking forward to something. You'll know about it soon enough and I will hopefully have something to share with you.

My video blogs for Monday's seem to be quite the little hit. People ask me some great questions on there... you can see them over at www.youtube.com/thejodieplatz along with some Monkey videos that I've taken.

I still have to upload some videos from Mechanical People back in March... I will get to that, eventually, I suppose.

Today I bleached the top half of my hair in hopes of getting back to blonde and pink soon enough... working on it... errr... it's... going. Some of it turned out a bit orange because my hair was red/brown... so... that's interesting... oh well, it will be pink soon. :) Pink will cover up orangey.

I want to put a 100 Monkeys sticker on the front of my Mac... I think I lost my stickers though. :( I don't know where they went to at all. *sad*

Picture of the day:

I Could Just Kill A Man

"Go get your ribbon box, go get your wounded heart..."




Relationships have never been my strong suit.

I, like every other woman on planet earth, fall for the wrong men and I seemingly do everything wrong.

Another problem that I have with men and relationships is that I'm a realist; if I don't see the relationship having a future I'm not the kind of girl who can stick around and "have fun" waiting to "see" if it "goes anywhere".

I don't know if I can blame that on being 26 years old and just not being able to [literally] fuck around and waste time... I don't know that because honestly I was the same way at 18. I guess I'm just wired differently.

While at 18 I was definitely less serious about relationships than I am now - I have never felt like my heart was something to be messed with. I have never willingly gave it away. And I can also say that I have never been in a relationship where I was in love. There was once that I thought I was, but it was an illusion. I can realize that now, of course, in hindsight.

To have made it 26 years without being absolutely in love seems either a travesty or pure luck.

While I can say that I've never been in love in a relationship, that's not to say that my heart has not been pulled. As I stated yesterday, I have more emotions than I know what to do with...

Some have said that they are in love with me... though I have never said it back. I just cannot fathom speaking the words without having the meaning pressed behind them forcing them from my mouth.

I guess if I don't feel anything bigger - if I can't see it going somewhere, the point is - why waste time?

Sure, sometimes wasting time is fun... but it was fun at 18. At 26, one day I will wake up and be 40 and all this time I thought I had will be gone... then where will I be?

I suppose all of this is spurred from my head and my inner thoughts and the running monologue I have badgering me.

A few days ago on Facebook I mentioned that Liz and I were watching Say Yes To The Dress and it was making me want to call up my girlfriends and ask them to set me up with their single guy friends... now... that might sound a bit scary of a thought -- to go from a wedding TV show to, "hey, maybe I do want to start dating again..." but believe me, I don't *expect* to go on four dates and be engaged. Though, I do think that once you know, that's all you need to know...

Regardless...

Yes... yes, marriage is something that I'm thinking about. As I inch closer to 30 and I think about my future, my life, what I want from my life -- marriage, kids... career... happiness. All of those things come into focus...

At the same time... I know greatness is worth waiting for.

I will not settle.

I've watched friends settle before and while I'm happy they are opening a new chapter of their lives and getting married or having babies - I wonder if they quite realize just how special, unique and amazing they are and how they deserve so much better than the asshole husbands that they walked away with.

But hey, those are the things that good friends keep to themselves.

Photo of the Day:

It's All The Same To The Clam

It's no secret that I have more emotions than I know what to do with. Also, that I have battled depression, anxiety and eating disorders since I was what they call these days a "tween"... but when people ridicule me or coddle me for those things that I cannot control, it doesn't help them.

I've mentioned on this blog before - and I shall mention it again here - just because I'm perhaps having a low part of the day does not mean that something is "wrong". I understand that's an easy question to ask people... and I guess I should stop bitching that anyone ever asks me it, because let's face it, if people were to stop asking me it I would complain and say that no one cares...

At the same time when people coddle me and hold my feelings in a porcelain cup - there's no way that that is going to end well. A friend recently asked me, "how are you?" I said, "I'm good, how are you?" He replied, "Really?" ... I waited... He said, "I've heard some things..."

Oh. Well... let me tell you - I am not going to go "off" myself. Please don't tip toe around me because I'm at my low point of the day lately more often than I'm at the high point of the day. While I do claim to be an alright actress, I am just not the type of person that will willfully hold in their feelings and emotions. I feel that if I'm sad; I should be sad. If I'm happy; I will be happy. The end.

I know that depression makes people uneasy when they don't know what to do with it... but let me assure you that even though I still battle depression (unmedicated - by prescription and by self - I am completely sober now, by choice for the time being) I am still much happier than I have been in years past when you didn't know me.

I do have reason and meaning to my life and I do more often than not feel fulfilled. That's a big deal. I feel loved and accepted and I feel important to those close to me who matter... hell, I even feel important to some of the strangers and "fans". This is absolutely incredible.

Yes, I have attempted suicide before... however lightly and calling for attention or however dramatically and seriously... but I can tell you that is nothing further from my mind.

Even if it all were to stop tomorrow - if I never took another shot, if I never shot another show, if I never spent any more time with those boys - I know that suicide would not be my answer.

...This blog was actually not spurred by anything. Just some feelings that I had that I wanted to get out and share with... well... everyone.

I love each and every single one of you. No matter how insignificant you may feel you are in my life - you make a difference in it. Even if you hate, loathe and detest me - I still love you. You are an important part of me and this journey.

xojo

Yeah...

So... this whole "blogging everyday thing" clearly isn't going to happen. While I maintain that I am still blogging more than I was previously, I have come to the conclusion that I don't blog on days that I am away from the house or days that Jennifer doesn't work. Therefore - that could be several times a week.

The hCG diet is going well -- which, I need to update THAT blog, also... I lost three pounds yesterday alone and am now one pound lower than my starting weight. (The "load" days really put me off...)

I don't feel like I have much else to share, really... let's see... um...

Fuck.

All I want to do is talk about my weight.

That's the downside from being on a diet - it consumes my every thought.

EDIT: I finished this lame excuse for a blog and I went to my new hCG diet blog to put up an entry and as I was typing I realized that my goal weight for the end of this shabangle is less than I have weighed in 12 years.

In-sane.

Carry on.

Slacker

I was actually listening to The Oh Noz! when I started writing this blog, so I thought that the icon was more than appropriate for today's blog.

The Oh Noz! (my band for the stalkers that follow me from my previous life...) were actually just mentioned in a 100 Monkeys interview. Pretty flippin' sweet, if you ask me.

PZO: What’s a common compliment people give you as a band and individually?
Jackson: “We love your live show.” It’s always amazing, you know, after the show we see people and they tell us how much they had an amazing time and how they met a new best friend of theirs or I think one of the best compliments we ever received was a CD from a fan who had been inspired by us to form her own band and that was a huge compliment right there.
Ben G: The Oh Noz!. 
(laughter)
PZO: That’s what they’re called?
Ben G: Yeah, N-O-Z.


Flippin'. Sweet. I don't hate that little thing right there. :) Do not hate at all.

Micky and I actually gave Ben an Oh Noz! shirt to wear in Dallas... he was going to wear it on stage... but... then he got high. (Or something.)

This was at our last performance... February 1st we went on right before Mechanical People at the show... Ben introduced us before the show and then after the performance (which was rocky in places due to the amount of Jameson we ingested) he hopped up on stage and said "give it up for The Oh Noz!" ...we definitely loved that. :)

I think I have now missed TWO days of blogging... but... at least I am still making it over to this blog more often than I was before. See... I'm trying.

I missed the other day because I was away from my computer all day again... I missed yesterday because I was stalking the mailman.

I have been not-so-patiently awaiting the mailman to bring my hCG drops so that I could finally start my new diet. They finally came yesterday about 2 or so and after taking them and then eating on them for the first time I got very tired and lethargic, which I believe is actually the opposite of what is supposed to happen on them... so... I hope that I don't have a backwards reaction to this crap as well. (Like Red Bull makes me tired.)

I actually started a new blog just for this "diet"... I will give you all the web address at the end of the 30 days. (Actually, I will need to go longer than 30 days in order to lose all the weight that I'm aiming for... this first cycle I'm going 43 days, which is the most that you're allowed to do... then I have to wait 6 weeks and then I can start another 43 days... we'll see how it all goes down.)

I'm pretty excited for this... those who have read my blog for a long time (or who have gone back in my blog to read old entries) know how excited I get to start new things. I get very motivated. Of course, when things don't show me the progress that I want or need I get very discouraged... I am going to try to push through that this time. I definitely have focus for this one. I see the goal that I want to obtain and now I'll try my hardest to reach it.

I had some very vivid and disturbing dreams last night. I'm a lucid dreamer, for the newbies who read this... and at times my dreams are almost too real and too much to take. Of course, there are times when that is a plus... when I'm being kissed or held I can actually taste the persons lips; I can actually feel their arms around me. That doesn't suck. :)

Last night was somewhere between evil and heaven.

I was in a hotel and every time I turned on the water and looked away blood rushed out onto my hands... the people around me could see the blood come from the faucet, but by the time that I would turn around to see it, it would go back to water. There were a few other little incidents that were scary like that... seeing things... feeling things that weren't there... I can't remember them all the way now that I've been up for a few hours... but... yeah.

Picture of the Day:

(PS... that kissing/holding thing happened in my dream last night... it got me through the grossness of touching blood.)

I Knew I Forgot Something...

"You hold your head up to the sky you say 'what kind of blue are you?'

Then you ride a pony 'round and 'round it's digging a hole right through, 

You stumble down the Yellow Brick Road spinning your shoes in the air, 

Then you hold your breath and count to nine, 

Hoping that soon somebody will find you..." 

Yesterday I didn't touch my computer at all... so, it's not a surprise that I forgot to blog. Hopefully I can "make up" for that today by blogging something seriousfull.

Of course I had to decide to do this whole blog-everyday-thing now... when I'm wanting nothing more than to hide my head in sand.

I have appreciated the emails of confidence and help plus the lovely texts from all you beautiful people. Perhaps it's best that I force myself to do this so that I don't completely fade away.

Yesterday I went to the mall for 7 hours while Jennifer was at work. I listened to my iPod until it died, just watching the people pass by. Strangest thing - people are lovely when you don't have to hear them and you aren't in a rush to get anywhere specific... it's nice to have your own soundtrack to their fuckery.

The first place that I went was to the Borders book store in the mall. I had planned on stopping for coffee at Starbucks beforehand, but I'm glad that I waited because it turns out they had a Seattle's Best in the Borders! I got a coffee and told the barista boy that I was surprised to see one this far South... then of course, I've just moved to Houston. He said there were four or five in the area and one in every Borders... oh well... I'm clearly a regular at Starbucks and Barnes and Noble.

The first time that I had Seattle's Best was in the Denver airport on the way to Seattle, actually. Last June... unfortunately my iced coffee had grounds in the bottom of the cup and I ranted to Twitter that if you're going to call yourself "Seattle's BEST" that you maybe should keep up with that trend...

That would be a hard thing to do... while I can understand wanting to name your coffee "Seattle's Best", you'd think that it would be a reflection of your product -- which, I'm sure it is... but for me being a first time drinker at that time and to find grounds in my coffee - it didn't set the impression bar very high.

I'm kind of a coffee snob. Yep, I'll admit it.

But... yesterday's coffee was in fact Seattle's "best". I quite enjoyed it. The cute barista boy brewed it fresh for me. :) It's impressive what a little niceness and a smile will get you. (I wasn't even wearing makeup!)

I wandered around Border's and was in search of a photography or a psychology book... instead I found neither; I found Cobain Unseen - a book with insight into Kurt Cobain's belongings. Obviously I bought it.

I bought Kurt Cobain's journals book back in 2002 when it was released... unfortunately I'm not sure where that book is now... I suppose it's either lost or back in Kansas City. I will re-buy it if it's lost... that's a book that I miss.

This book talks about Kurt's connection to his material things... it has exclusive photos from the Kurt Cobain Estate -- (all of his possessions are in a high security locker in Olympia, WA now...) It was really quite fascinating. I learned a lot about him that I didn't know yet. Of course, I'll be honest... I never really studied Kurt - he fascinated me just the way he was and I never felt the urge to really search him further. I sort of took him as he was and kept it at that. So, it was nice to learn about him, parts of his childhood, his psyche, his multiple attempts at suicide and how he always knew his fate.

He didn't seem like a person who had a low and decided to take his life. To me, he reminds me of the center person that they followed in the documentary The Bridge (documentary about people who take their lives by jumping from the Golden Gate -- it's on Hulu.com for free, please go watch it) -- the guy they follow through the entire film and keep going back to was chronically depressed and always knew he wasn't going to "make it" long in life. He always referenced suicide and said that's how he would die. His family had even come to terms with it... Hearing more about Kurt really reminded me of this...

Also I learned that just a few months before Kurt's death that while in Rome with Nirvana he took 20 Rohypnol pills and washed them down with a bottle of champagne; citing Shakespeare in his suicide note. 2 things -- why Rohypnol?!! And if you're a druggie who has been contemplating suicide your entire life, you should have "known better" than to use Rohypnol. Though it seems like it was a legit attempt at suicide, at the same time, I can't imagine that he was serious...

Then again... I don't know Kurt.

Moving on... (otherwise I'll talk about this book and the ins and outs of it forever...)

Something strange about yesterday's events was that while I was waiting for Jennifer to get her lunch break I was sitting at a table reading my new book, listening to my headphones with three beverages in front of me... random people kept sitting in the chair across from me.

Now, I've said before and I'll continue to say many, many times here-over, I AM ALL ABOUT MANNERS! Perhaps in those manners would be "do not sit with strangers". An amendment to that would be to at least ASK the stranger before plopping down in front of them.

It's no secret that I've been depressed the past few days and by wanting to go out to the mall and be *near* people - that was my way of not... shall we say... going off the deep end. But, that doesn't mean that I wish to sit with people!

For those who don't know me, you should be made aware that I basically keep to myself. My phone doesn't go off much - it never rings - and I'm not the person who stands behind you in the line at Target and makes conversation. While I am very friendly, I don't go out of my way to be social. If you ask those who I am close with - they will tell you that I am pretty quiet. (Other than my loud music... but hey, that drowns out people talking.)

Unfortunately, I feel like my online persona is much more interesting than I really am in real life. Yes, when I'm with the boys I talk and engage... but that's probably a different thing for a different day... they're a rare exception to most rules, I've found.

Regardless, I found it to be quite rude that these strangers sat with me. More than one person on more than one occasion! I ended up pulling the chairs in very close to me and sticking my feet on them. No, you may not sit here.

As I said in a blog entry, probably dated back in September... my manners are almost to a fault at times. There are times when I shouldn't be so capped by them... but I find it best to have too-good of manners than too few.

At least I know that's something that my children will have -- good manners. Unruly children are absolutely frightening. Don't you know that your children are a reflection of you?

...I suppose I should stop there...

Plans for this week:

Get over it.
Move on.
Start diet.
Find other meanings to life.
Contemplate new hair colors.
Remember to blog.

Picture of the Day:

[Insert Depression Here]

This day wasn't supposed to start out badly. It just sort of developed that way. It's not even noon and I already know that this day is a scratch.

Unfortunately I committed to making this blog entry every day of April... I shouldn't have done that.

Phone is off and I've closed Facebook down to just the minimum. Anything else goes astray and Facebook is gone. The one thing that kept me on Facebook for the longest time was the fact that my photography page is linked to it and there's nearly 800 people attached to that. It would be irresponsible and wasteful for me to give that up... but at this point, I'm not ruling anything out.

There's so much that I realize and that I'm aware of and people just don't SEE that. The fact that I see it when I'm in it -- shouldn't that make it that much more impressive? But no... nothing can impress you. I do try.

It's exhausting to be what everyone wants me to be all the time... to not have a place to hide... And for those who say "just be yourself"... trust me... you don't want to see that. So I portray the image of myself that you expect or what you think I am. It's not a lie -- it is ME... it's just a very diluted version, I'd say. I suppose we all do it to one extent or another.

It's times like these that I fight it and try to go against the grain... "what's in it for me?" "why am I here?" "what's the point of it all?" "I give up."

It doesn't really matter anyhow. This is one big game and one giant charade.

The ones listening are just waiting for the sound of my fall.

Goodnight.

The Changes That Go 'Round

"Do you love me babe? What do you say?

Do you love me babe? What can I say?"

It's been a long while.

I always feel bad and end up apologizing after I haven't been around for a while... I'm too nice.

I just got back from SBL ATX and two Mechanical People shows... to which, now I am bruised and still exhausted. Honestly, I'm scared for tour. Though, this tour will hopefully be easier than the others because I'm trying to lose a good chunk of weight before it starts.

My weight is something that I've battled for so many years. Believe it or not, I was once underweight. Now, of course, it's no secret and I don't hide the fact that I am overweight. (I also know that's an understatement, however, I hate the other word...)

Fortunately I have good people around me who are always willing to either help me lose weight, try to motivate me or to just offer their love and support to me no matter what size I am.

While on the road I always end up losing a ton, which makes me happy. I just plain don't have time to eat and since I'm always on the go I burn a lot of calories... on the last tour I lost 15lb in 8 days. That didn't suck. I tried to keep it off - and I did for a while - but I got depressed and my weight ballooned again.

Regardless... I'm excited to start this new venture towards weight-loss. I *was* trying to get Lap-Band for the longest time, but unfortunately that just doesn't seem like it's going to happen. I'll try a few more things before I go rob a bank to save my life. (No credit = no Lap-Band for me.)

Right before I start new weight-loss things I always end up yapping about them tons. I just get overly excited for everything and all the brand new possibilities... No harm in being excited, right? ;)

Have you had a problem with your weight? What has worked/not worked for you? How do you cope with it? How does it make you feel?

Please respond. I would love to hear from you. :)