"Go get your ribbon box, go get your wounded heart..."
Relationships have never been my strong suit.
I, like every other woman on planet earth, fall for the wrong men and I seemingly do everything wrong.
Another problem that I have with men and relationships is that I'm a realist; if I don't see the relationship having a future I'm not the kind of girl who can stick around and "have fun" waiting to "see" if it "goes anywhere".
I don't know if I can blame that on being 26 years old and just not being able to [literally] fuck around and waste time... I don't know that because honestly I was the same way at 18. I guess I'm just wired differently.
While at 18 I was definitely less serious about relationships than I am now - I have never felt like my heart was something to be messed with. I have never willingly gave it away. And I can also say that I have never been in a relationship where I was in love. There was once that I thought I was, but it was an illusion. I can realize that now, of course, in hindsight.
To have made it 26 years without being absolutely in love seems either a travesty or pure luck.
While I can say that I've never been in love in a relationship, that's not to say that my heart has not been pulled. As I stated yesterday, I have more emotions than I know what to do with...
Some have said that they are in love with me... though I have never said it back. I just cannot fathom speaking the words without having the meaning pressed behind them forcing them from my mouth.
I guess if I don't feel anything bigger - if I can't see it going somewhere, the point is - why waste time?
Sure, sometimes wasting time is fun... but it was fun at 18. At 26, one day I will wake up and be 40 and all this time I thought I had will be gone... then where will I be?
I suppose all of this is spurred from my head and my inner thoughts and the running monologue I have badgering me.
A few days ago on Facebook I mentioned that Liz and I were watching Say Yes To The Dress and it was making me want to call up my girlfriends and ask them to set me up with their single guy friends... now... that might sound a bit scary of a thought -- to go from a wedding TV show to, "hey, maybe I do want to start dating again..." but believe me, I don't *expect* to go on four dates and be engaged. Though, I do think that once you know, that's all you need to know...
Regardless...
Yes... yes, marriage is something that I'm thinking about. As I inch closer to 30 and I think about my future, my life, what I want from my life -- marriage, kids... career... happiness. All of those things come into focus...
At the same time... I know greatness is worth waiting for.
I will not settle.
I've watched friends settle before and while I'm happy they are opening a new chapter of their lives and getting married or having babies - I wonder if they quite realize just how special, unique and amazing they are and how they deserve so much better than the asshole husbands that they walked away with.
But hey, those are the things that good friends keep to themselves.
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