Bang, Bang

"And it's okay to eat fish, cuz they don't have any feelings..." 

I started writing something a few days ago when I was at Starbucks. I think I shall finish writing that and then post it here...

*goes off to write*

Things to do Before May, a short essay.

By Jodie Platz

As I sit here at my local Starbucks, perturbed, I drink my Venti Iced Coffee. (Sweetened, no room for cream.) If the world were a Venti Iced Coffee… well wait… the world is a Venti Iced Coffee. The world is a little bitter, a little cold and absolutely addictive and exhilarating. 

I sit here and try to map out my life from here until May. Until at least May. I’m booked through August, however. I don’t know how that happens, but I always seem to pile plans on top of plans on top of plans on top of shit.

You know, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything. Digressions. A word that I don’t use often, for I feel that it belongs to Willow Raine and Holden Caulfield. But I do believe this moment calls for one, so, I digress… 

 The list of things that must be completed by May keep piling up. Cameras must be purchased; computers must be detailed and emptied… weight must be lost… clothes must be bought. Monkeys must be seen. So daily I run through the tasks at hand, pondering how on earth I will fake my way through this one… pondering how on earth I will complete all that needs to be taken care of. 

I still don’t have that answer yet. If you think of something, please let me know. 

Slowly plans are being made and tended to in order to keep this life on track. Monkey shows are being planned, carefully. Cameras? Well, technically it’s just the one camera… and I’m still working on that plan. Weight must first be lost before new clothes can be bought – therefore there is a plan in action for said weight loss. How well that will go over remains to be seen… 

The life has been slow yet hectic at the same time, which doesn’t make much sense to me… confuses the fuck out of me and I don’t particularly like it. I've had more to think about lately, a lot more on my plate which equals a lot more on my mind. None of which I care to share with you on such a public forum.

At least I have friends to lose weight with. That's not something that I could do by myself... 2 of my friends are going to go through this with me - neither of them have as much to lose as I do, of course... both are stronger than I am... however I am one up on them. They're both addicted to soda.

I drink soda about once a month and then I'll go through about 2 days where all I drink is root beer. Other than that the only thing I drink is ice water or seltzer water... with the occasional iced tea. I do understand why people get addicted to pop, and I know that it's a terribly horrible thing to have to quit, so I do feel bad for them... I do... but in the end it'll just be so much better for them if they can stop drinking it altogether.

Me? My problem? Food in general. I can go days and days without eating anything and I won't even feel hungry at all, the worst part is that once food touches my lips, I can't stop. I need to learn control. That once I eat a small something that it isn't the gateway to eat anything and everything... well, Jodie... good luck with that. I've been dealing with my disordered eating since I was a child. I even wonder if there's hope for me now that I'm 25. Perhaps I am that old dog and you just can't teach me new tricks. I wish that my parents had taught me about food skills early on in life... Of course if they read this they would just blame me...

Anyone else want to join us in trying to lose weight? The goal date is Legacy.

Swiftly moving on... Something I love happened on my desktop this morning. :) Today is the 15th and it's 15 days until I get to see the Monkeys again. (I have a little countdown thingy that helps me keep track of days...) I love it when the days add up like that. Always when I'm counting down to my birthday it's always 31 days until my birthday on October 31st... making for a happy Halloween.

Picture of the Day:

Why couldn't I have learned about self control and self respect when I was 9? This was the last time I was a size 4... I wonder if my bones would even let me be a size 4 now...? I mean, this was pre-puberty, so my hips would have been smaller than they are now...? Yes? Either way...

Looking back at photos from this shoot I think about how at this point in my life I didn't understand eating disorders, that I didn't understand self harm... while my body had already had it's fair share of cuts, scrapes, burns, bruises and scars - it's nowhere near the shape that it's in now... that's for sure. Pre-tattoos, pre-piercings... (minus the one in each ear...) and well before I knew what it feel like to drag a knife across my skin.

In this picture, I was blissful and all too innocent. I had never colored my hair. I had never kissed a boy. I didn't have a clue that this wouldn't last. That someday (not that far away) I would be fat... all too easily... I would be taken advantage of, again, all too easily... I would willfully place scars along my body when I once tried to avoid them... I would try. I would try. Try at many things... try at life, try at death... try to live, try to breathe, try to be free...

I suppose that's all life is... Trying.