A Very Important Day

"and tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999..."

I remember December 31, 1999 very well. It was a day that changed my life. I'm sure most people can say that about each New Years Eve - maybe they made mistakes that they would unmake if given the chance, maybe their lives were changed when someone drove drunk... mine was for the better.

Ten years ago today, I met my very best friend, Jennifer.

Jennifer is someone that I frequently blog about, sometimes it's about something ridiculous that she's said, sometimes it's because she's frustrated me beyond recognition, but without both of those things - she wouldn't be the Jennifer that I love.

For New Years Eve 1999, Jennifer and I were both invited by a mutual friend, Stephy, to her party. Jennifer had attended middle school with Stephy and I had freshman classes with her. She had tried to get us together before, thinking that we would really like each other - but it never happened. (It was my fault, not Jennifer's.)

I got to Stephy's party before Jennifer did, her family was just getting back from snow skiing *rolls eyes* and so she arrived a little late. I can vividly remember the moment that she walked in the door and set down her suitcase. She was in an NSYNC shirt and couldn't stop smiling. "Oh great," I thought to myself, "one of those *happy* people." I smiled at her, introduced myself and then walked off. I couldn't be bothered with the happy people.

We went up to Stephy's room and on her bulletin board there was a autographed pictured of NSYNC that I had given to her. Jennifer looked at it and her eyes got big and wide, her mouth hung open. Stephy told her that I had given it to her. Jennifer looked at me, eyes wide, mouth open. I smiled. I love making people feel like that... That utter shock that I did something, or they're just uber impressed, perhaps jealous.

We went down to the basement where I everyone had split into two groups. I was looking at a magazine, doodling and singing and Jennifer was over with Stephy and a few others, doing... well, I wasn't doing it, so I wasn't paying attention. In a moment of complete honesty, I will tell you something that I've never told anyone before. I wanted to be Jennifer's friend - she seemed popular and kinda cool... (she liked Lance, I liked Justin - this could work out) but I had forgotten her name. So I took my piece of paper and went over to her and sat down, asked everyone how they would "autograph" their name. Jennifer signed her name and I was like, "duh, Jennifer... what an easy name", in my head.

A few minutes later we went up the stairs and I followed Jennifer, I vividly remember as we got to the top of the stairs I said, "I think we clicked!!" Stephy's mom said, "who clicked?!" And I announced that Jennifer and I had.

Jennifer was wearing two necklaces. A "Lance" necklace and a "Justin" necklace. I told her I liked Justin and that I didn't have the necklace. She took it off and told me I could borrow it for the night.

We played makeup, Jennifer googly-eyed my pager (I had just turned 15 and I was so cool, I had gotten a pager for my birthday -- what the fuck does a 15 year old need to be paged for?!) and we talked about NSYNC. I explained that I loved NSYNC. That I loved Britney. But I hated them in the same sentence together.

At 15 we weren't thinking of the end of the world, so at midnight we all went outside barefoot and walked down the street. (I can't remember why.) Later Jennifer laid on the couch, said she wasn't feeling good and I sat on her. (LOL, Literally.) She called her parents and went home early, even after I begged her not to go.

I was sneaky... I hid her necklace under my tank top that I was wearing, I was planning on keeping it so that I would have a reason to call her. She left and later on (years later) would tell me that she never intended on asking for it back.

I called her the next day and we talked for hours and hours, she invited me to her birthday party a month later and that was the next time I saw her.

Jennifer I spent everyday on the phone together. It started out that she would call me when she got home (she got home after I did cuz she lived in BFE) and we would talk until dinner and then after dinner talk until bed time... we saw each other each weekend and then spent a few weeks together in the summer time... then once I got my car when I was 17, I drove down to get her from work... after I dropped out of school I would come and get her out of school early or she would sneak out of her house at 3a and we would go to Denny's.

We started talking on the phone for up to 12 hours a day. We would talk from the time she got home from school until she had to go to school again -- no sleep. (And then I wonder why Jennifer never wants to talk to me on the phone anymore!!)

Right after Jennifer graduated HS early she moved in with me. The longest time we've spent apart was the week that I was in LA and we talked every day. The longest time we've gone without seeing each other and without speaking was 5 days, 4 years ago... It was hell, but beyond our control.

Jennifer has become more than my best friend - she's my sister. She's my person. My companion. Once in a blue moon does a friend come along that "gets" you, better than you "get" yourself. And it just so happens that tonight, on our ten year anniversary, that it IS a blue moon. Lucky us! :)

I would say, "here's to another ten!" but honestly, that's not long enough.

Just you and me, kid. This world ain't big enough for us. I love you.

Jennifer and I, a month after meeting, on her birthday.

The Apple & The Tree

"...you make me feel alone..."

Alright, time to play ketchup! It's been a while... I went down to my Daddy's for Christmas and then of course we had what they will call The Christmas Blizzard of 09 and I got snowed in there for a few extra days. My step mom got snowed into Topeka and Jennifer got snowed into KC, so it was just my Daddy and I for a few days. It was actually really nice. :) We watched a lot of movies together and on Wednesday night we did his weekly bar thing... after which I wrote in my notebook something that I wanted to blog about when I got back.

Let me start with that...

I was thinking about how much we are alike our parents. Sure, we have features resembling them, and of course their morals are instilled in us, but how much do we really take after them?

I look exactly like my father. (They say that babies do that so the father will bond with them.) I wonder what it's like to look at myself through my fathers eyes when I look and act so much like him.

Both of my parents are tall, so it's no surprise that I'm 5'8". My dad was adopted, so I'm unsure of his background, but I'm fairly sure of some German and Native American. My Mama is pure Swedish. My dad has very dark, thick hair that grows quickly and my mama has blonde, thin hair. My mama's eyes are crystal blue and my dad's are hazel.

I turned up with dirty blonde hair, thick, grows very quickly. (About 6" just this last year) and green eyes. (Spent half my life with blue eyes and then sometime around 14 or so they changed to green.)

The purpose of this post came after I was watching TV at my dad's and I turned it off to go to bed. I stood up and I started talking to myself. It's not something I do unless I'm totally alone, I find it quite embarrassing, but I do it; so does my dad.

My father and I are also very reclusive. The same evening he asked me to call Pizza Hut because he hates phones. Little does he know I harbor the same fear.

I have my dad's sense of humor and an eclectic mix for both of their musical tastes. I have my mama's nerves, geekness, and anxiety. I also get my "powers" from my mama... (another subject for another day.) My driving skills definitely come from my father...

I guess this list of comparisons could go on and on. Of course there are some things that I'm original at.

I was BORN with a fashion sense... I have no idea where I got that from. I don't know how I ended up disliking television... both my parents adore it. I could live without it. Although I do like movies. I have an inner compass. I don't know so much about my dad on this one, but my mama gets lost and turned around easily. I love to travel... Definitely don't know where I got that one.

Never once did we go on a family vacation. We never traveled anywhere when I was younger and then somehow I grew up and I started going places. I adore it. I need to travel to be able to breathe. I have no idea how people can just stay put and be okay. There's so much world out there - I am determined to see as much of it as possible.

This has all been more of an open thought than a complete one... it's still processing. Most people can instantly tell you how they are like one parent more than the other... I'm still on the fence I suppose.

Alright... Christmas... let's see... Daddy got me an HD 1080p flatscreen with a DVD player and an iPod dock. :) It's absolutely fabulous. Fan-freaking-tastic. I haven't been over to my Mama's to have Christmas with her yet. I also got the book The Host by Stephenie Meyer from my step mom. :D And some lil things. My step mom gave Jennifer a badass penguin poster from National Geographic!! She adores it. She also got the book "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies." It's this guy who rewrites classics and puts like zombies and vampires into them. BADASS! I can't wait to read it.

Tomorrow is New Years Eve. I definitely have faith that this one will be better than last year. (If you knew what happened last year, you would agree.) Still not as amazing as it had planned out to be -- but plans change, right? I'm sure that Jennifer and I will still have a kick ass time. Tomorrow marks ten years that we will have known each other. Insane.

Pics of the Day:

My Mama and I being cheeseballs.

A telephone booth in a bar in Wamego. :)

The Nightmare Before Christmas

"I walk around and I feel so lost and lonely,

You're everything that I want,

But you don't want me..."

I've got a new slew of icons! I made that one up there yesterday from Jackson's movie, Dread. :) Thought that it fit well for today.

The Monkeys released some tour dates yesterday... 40 minutes after I found three of them. I was search-search-searching for Monkey leaks and I found the Austin, San Antonio and Tulsa dates before they were released... and then they had to go and dumb down my miraculous find by releasing the dates up until January 13th. LOL Oh well... Check out the dates here.

Today my Daddy is picking me up and taking me back to Wamego. First we're stopping in Topeka to go to the World Market with my step mom. I've decided that I'm not taking Bella down to Wamego with me this time... she's too much to hover over for 4 days. Jennifer will be coming down to Wamego on Christmas day and so she's bringing Bella down with her then so my step mom can see her.

Last night I had to clip her nails... I admit, it had been a long time since I had done it. Poor girl hates it being done so much, if she only knew how much I hated doing it. Ugh. Miserable.

Last night Jennifer and I had a few beers and I showed her S. Darko. :) It's the sequel to Donnie Darko and featured a certain birthday boy. It's not the best movie on earth, but it has it's good moments and it has a very freaking adorakable Jackson Rathbone in it, so I recommend.

Jenn made fun of his glasses. XD I was like, "those are his real glasses!!" She goes, "nuh uh!" I said, "true story" and then showed her pics.

S. Darko still:

Ta daaah:

I personally fucking love his glasses. They rock.

That's all for today, kiddies.

Lucky you, two pics of the day!

Found this picture I took back in August right before I went to Michigan. :) The parents are getting a copy of it for Christmas. Too cute! Must avert your eyes!!!

Two reasons I am posting this photo, first of all, Phoenix Taylor is fucking amazing. Check out his other shit if you don't know him -- and secondly, the red, black and white bracelet on Jay's left hand over there? I didn't notice this until yesterday as I was going through my pictures and I looked down at my wrist and I was wearing the same bracelet!! XD Too cool for school, kids.

xoxox

The Massive Post

"and when I woke up, you were by my side..."

Two days without sleep. The first night I was just wide awake all night and I didn't even try to sleep. Last night I actually attempted it. Finally this morning I slept for a whole 30 minutes before being awoken violently by my dreams... which I will not share.

Lately it's just been agony to close my eyes. Every time I close my eyes, or turn off my music, turn off a movie -- have just a moment of peace and silence, I find myself traveling down roads I never wanted to venture down again, reliving memories - searching for different endings, horrible endings... my mind is... horrible. I really wish I could take my brain out, rinse it with bleach and stick it back in - start over.

I've always said my memories were my most valuable possession, but I do love sleep. Would it be worth it to lose all my memories if I could rest easily and never have a worry or care in the world? I don't know. I don't know what I would do if I was faced with that opportunity.

I've always had trouble sleeping. I don't know why it's been just so much harder as of late.

I've been watching a lot of movies lately... trying to take my mind off of things. Watched Dread, as I blogged out... watched it again last night with Jennifer and then we watched The Nightmare Before Christmas. :) [[heart]]

Today I'm going to watch Walk The Line and S. Darko. :)

So... I still have yet to send Christmas cards. Bugs me. I feel bad... what's worse is that I don't know if we can even afford to send Christmas cards... terrible, right? I know there's going to be one person in Tennessee who will literally think I hate them and never want to talk to them if they don't get a Christmas card. So I guess I have to find at least enough for one stamp.

No one gets Christmas presents this year. Can't afford them. Was going to get everyone cards... but while I paid $5 for my box of 18 cards, I can't afford the stamps.

I guess that's what we get for moving this close to Christmas.

I would like to lump this all together and say "2009 sucked." But... well... wait... upon further observation... 2009 DID suck. It was a shitty year with a few good moments, but nothing more. I can literally think of 2 good things that happened this year. I met Willow. I met Monkeys. If you would like to add to that list, if you can find something else spectacular that happened, then please, by all means, add to the list.

The year started out horrible. Not even 30 minutes into the New Year and I knew this year was going to be hard. It's times like that that make me have no faith in my own survival. Speaking of which, I only had two suicide attempts this year. That number decreased from 2008.

We moved three times this year. Jennifer broke every single promise she made to me about moving... I won't put her on blast here about that...

Listen, I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer here, I'm just being honest. Honest. This isn't a pity party for one - I'm literally just blogging about my life. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't want that.

Let's see, what plans do I have for 2010? Well, on New Years Eve Jennifer and I will have officially known each other for 10 years. I guess that deserves it's own massive blog, eh? We're going down to the Power and Light District... which... well... err... every time I go down there I end up getting waay too drunk and someone has to carry me home, so either that's what's going to happen or I'll "pace" myself. I assume it's going to be the first one, seeing as how it's a holiday and all.

At midnight they're shooting off a cannon full of $5000. Reckon I'll try and grab $5 so I can buy myself a drink. We'll probably end up partying at The Shark Bar. We LOVED it there on St. Patrick's Day - they only play 90s music. (Or at least, that's what they did for SPD.)

As far as the rest of 2010 goes, my goals are: learn guitar, take more photos, be honest, lose weight (rolls eyes), no suicide attempts, only move once, take better care of Bella, travel more.

Tomorrow my dad is picking me up to drive me back to Wamego so I can have Christmas there. Jennifer is driving down on Christmas to spend some time with us and then to drive me back home with her... I don't think I'll take Bella down there this year. First of all, her nails are facking long and I'll catch flack for that. (Can't find her clippers.) And secondly, I hate hovering over here the whole damn time to make sure she doesn't get into anything. It's different at my own house... so maybe Jennifer can bring her down on Christmas so my step mom can see her. (If I clip her nails and give her a bath before then.)

I'm nervous for Christmas.

I always feel terrible showing up anywhere empty handed, let alone on Christmas. I burned my parents some CDs...? I don't think that counts as a "gift".

Tell me something, does life ever get easier? No? Didn't expect it to, was just wondering. (I guess it's my own fault and I could make it "easier" if I wanted to. Financially speaking, of course... but it's all more money, more problems. I would rather be poor and happy than "comfortable" and miserable...)

Pic of the Day:

Happy 25th Birthday, Jay! :)

I'm so proud you celebrated it the right way by taking it to Vegas!

Dread - The Movie

"but it's just because I'm fearful... fearful..."

This post contains MASSIVE spoilers/stills for the movie Dread with Jackson Rathbone.

If you don't want to know what happens so you can be surprised on January 29th when the movie hits theaters, then I suggest you run now. If you would like to read about part of it but don't want to know what happens at the end, I will warn again before I post stills of the ending of the film.

Don't get pissed at me if you know the ending after you read my blog! I warned!! ((And I don't spoil EVERYTHING!! You will still be surprised about a lot when you see the film!!)

I was lucky enough to see Dread, starring Jackson Rathbone. After seeing a few stills, the trailer and a behind the scenes of the movie a few months ago, I could not wait to see the movie. It looked different, scary and something that would allow Jackson to have some range and put himself in a different role than he had ever been in.

The story is by Clive Barker, the same guy who is responsible for Hellraiser, so I was expecting genuine, balls-to-the-wall HORROR.

The film is rated R for "strong bloody violence, disturbing sadistic content, graphic sexuality, nudity and language."

Strong bloody violence? Check. (But not until the end.)

Disturbing sadistic content? Check. (Not till about half to 3/4 the way through though.)

Graphic sexuality? Check. (They manage to get that in there pretty quickly.)

Nudity? Check. (At the same time as the graphic sexuality.)

Language? Check. (Jackson's character, Stephen, has a bit of a potty mouth.)

(PLOT SPOILERS, MINOR.)

For those that don't know the plot, let me lay it out for you. Stephen (Jackson Rathbone) is a film major student who works part time at the library with his friend Abby. Abby has a birthmark covering half of her body... Stephen meets Quaid (Shaun Evans) and they decide to do their senior thesis on "dread", what it is about people's fears that keep them from living, that sort of thing. They enlist Stephen's friend Cheryl to edit the film.

The three of them have very diverse backgrounds that lead to their "dread". Quaid's parents were murdered in front of him when he was six and subsequently, he's on medication to keep the nightmares and illusions at bay. Cheryl's dad molested her and worked as a butcher, so she's a vegetarian that can't stand the smell of meat and Stephen's brother drove drunk and got in a car wreck, killing himself when Stephen was only 15.

(PLOT SPOILERS, MODERATE)

As they are interviewing people for their film Cheryl and Stephen hit it off and have a nice little date, make out a little...

but it turns out that Abby likes Stephen more than just a friend. While they're interviewing people for their video, Quaid goes off of his meds and Abby offers to be interviewed, but only if Stephen will do it alone. He goes to her place and interviews her and while the tape is rolling she says that she'll show him what she's not shown many people and she strips down to her underwear. (Major kudos to the makeup department.) She touches his face lightly and kisses him. He kisses her back briefly but then tells her that he can't because, "my heart is in a different place." She goes, "what the fuck does that even mean?" And then she tells him to get out. He leaves the camera, while it's still on, and then asks Quaid later to go pick up the camera.

When Quaid goes to pick up the camera at Abby's place, he seduces her, makes her feel beautiful and they have sex. (Hot, kinky, sex.) Later on, Quaid loses it at his place and breaks all Stephen's camera equipment and Cheryl's computer. Cheryl storms out and Stephen basically tells him he's bat shit crazy and leaves, abandoning the assignment, even though it's near the deadline.

(PLOT SPOILERS, MAJOR)

Turns out that Quaid had a backup on an external hard drive and edited the assignment and turned it in, getting them all a B+. While Stephen is leaving school that night, Quaid pulls up in a car exactly like the one that Stephen's brother had been driving when he died (which Quaid had bought for Stephen off of Craigslist...) and apologizes, tells him he'll replace everything and asks him to get into the car so he can apologize.

Stephen gets in the car and Quaid starts to tell them how he wants to take their film to the next level, he doesn't want to stop it yet. Stephen tells him that he's done with the film, it was just a senior thesis for him and he wants to move forward. Quaid takes out a flask and takes a drink... Stephen is mad... Quaid tells him to think about what it would have been like for his brother to be drinking and driving... what he would have thought moments before he died as he's pushing the car as fast as it will go... Eventually the car stops and Stephen gets out, looking like he's about to throw up... he leaves as Quaid begs him for forgiveness... again... Stephen leaves him.

Quaid starts to turn the project around make people face these fears that they opened up about... he does it with Abby and Cheryl (I won't tell you how... he did it with Stephen and the car - that was minor compared to the girls...) and he does it with one of the other interviewees.

Finally Stephen realizes that Quaid isn't going to stop this until he's faced with HIS fear... so Stephen gets an axe... heads up to Quaid's bedroom while he's sleeping... starts to chop down his door. (It's intense.) Finally Stephen drops the axe and Quaid storms out from his bedroom and shoves a gun to his head before pistol whipping him...

(PLOT SPOILERS -- ENDING)

Stephen wakes up and he's tied to a chair, his face bloodied. While Stephen and Quaid are watching a video of what happened to Cheryl, they hear a noise downstairs. Quaid storms off and leaves Stephen, who eventually gets himself untied from the chair and he heads down to the kitchen to get a knife...

(I'm in the kitchen with a knife that's itchin' for your red blood...)

he's about ready to tackle Quaid and stab him when one of the other interviewees comes to Stephen with an axe and chops into him.

Stephen lays there... dying...

Quaid hovers over him... watching him die and looking majorly unimpressed.

Stephen dies...

his eyes unfocus and Quaid drags his body down to his basement where we find Cheryl is still alive...

(NO MORE SPOILERS)

The movie, overall, was not as scary as I had imagined... however, as far as phycological thriller goes, it definitely seeps into your brain and makes you think. You genuinely care for Stephen, Cheryl and Abby's characters. (And not just because it's Jackson Rathbone...)

Jackson did an outstanding job. It was everything that I was banking on it to be, honestly. Jackson can probably rest assured that he'll never be typecast. I will say what I've been saying for over a year now -- Jackson is the most talented actor out there today. He's got depth and range that are going to eventually make him a veteran in this business. The way he develops his characters is fascinating, little nervous ticks, glints and looks in their eyes... etc...

The film reminded me of a lot of things, one thing it reminded me of was Spencer... so it was almost not a surprise when I heard The Stevedores "Fearful" in the credits. :) A little bit of Spencer everywhere you go.

I hope that you'll see the film!

The Beers Are Always Empty

"drinking by myself while everybody else

is passed out in the park

or going home in police cars..."

Last night I got a very strange urge to go back and re-read my journal entries. I didn't go back too far, I went back to last November and read up until August of 2009. It was kinda weird. I found the journal entry where I discovered Twilight... When I first blogged about Jackson, a whole bunch of Heathisms, when Matilda died, when I dyed my hair pink... and black... and cut it short... was kinda nice to go back and see things. Of course, there was also a lot that I had forgotten about and blocked out of my mind... like New Years Eve last year.

Swiftly moving on from Memory Lane... I guess we could rock down to Electric Avenue.

Two days ago Jennifer comes to me and says that she 'might have a place for us to live'. I said, "I'm not moving in with anyone else." (Just clearing that out before she gets any more "ideas".) She said, "no, no... it's an apartment." I asked where. She said 29th and Metropolitan. I told her that I was unfamiliar with KCK. (I know KCMO and the cities North of the river just fine, but I'm sooo new when it comes to KCK.) She tried to explain to me where it was... I can't remember if I was listening or not.

So then last night she comes home and says that we're going to look at this place.

She heard of it from one of her co-workers who had just moved in there... the co-workers cousin owns the building.

So we go look at this place and well... first impressions and all... eh. The lease for where we're living now is up in February so while I didn't express this to anyone but myself, I was really worried that we weren't going to have a place to live when it was up... I was scared we were going to have to move back into a hotel.

I was never fond of the hotel idea.

I never wanted to move into a place with anyone else either... just having a "room". Even while the common areas are just that... I, quite frankly, enjoy walking around the house in less than appropriate attire. I don't want to have to get dressed if I'm in the bathroom getting ready to take a bath and I forget something in my bedroom -- I would like to just walk down the hall naked and fetch whatever it is that I needed. I mean, I guess that I *could* do that here, but I just don't want to scare these poor people. ;)

So living with Laura and [sometimes] Mack was never in my grand plan. It's what was available to us at the time. It was the only opportunity that we had, so we had to take it. That's understandable. Things could have been a lot worse for us.

We've lived with Laura and [sometimes] Mack for 7 months... that's actually quite a long time for us considering our past moving history. We moved three times in 2009. Not something I'm proud of. This will make for move number 4.

The pros about this place is that there's only 4 people that live in the building... all female. (One has a boyfriend, I think... but whatevs.) It's right across the street from a school and a park, so it's a good neighborhood -- though I'm still lost on where it ACTUALLY is. We'll finally be living in our own place again.

When we moved out of the place we lived in at the beginning of the year (before we moved into the hotel) -- Jennifer forced me to throw away hella of our things. All my wine/drinking glasses, all my dishes, pots, pans, silverware, furniture, drapes, rugs, etc... so it'll be nice to start building that stuff up again.

I already have a vision for how I want the place to look... however... I'm having a hard time finding bean bag chairs...

The cons of this place... well, it's old. Very old. The carpet is stained... but, it's just carpet and I plan on getting some area rugs. Hopefully some very loud and colorful, tacky area rugs. :) It doesn't have a bathtub. :( That's a major bust for me. I love baths. The bathroom is insanely tiny and the mirror is a little bigger than 8x10. (That's fine, it can be worked around... I'll go buy more mirrors.) The closet space is... well... the mirror and the closet are about the same size. LOL I prefer the living room to the actual bedroom, so I think we're going to make the bedroom kinda the music/dressing room and make the living room where we actually sleep.

(I don't need an actual living room because I don't have friends and I don't ever have company come over...)

The front room, as we're now going to call it, is going to be badass when I get done with it. It's got really high ceilings and a fan in there... although, the string on the fan is so long I keep hitting my head on it. Heh.

I will post pictures, but it'll be once I'm done making it fabulous.

Everyone keeps asking me why I'm moving again... well, don't hold onto hope that I'm staying too long at this next place either. Nothing feels like home to me.

xoxox

Breathe, Keep Breathing

"Let you choke... let you choke..."

So I asked people on Twitter and Facebook what I should make a film about and I got one response... Megan said I should make a film about a day in the life of Bella. (My dog.) So basically that would be 9 minutes of sleeping, 30 seconds of eating, 20 seconds of playing and 10 seconds of pooping. Not something anyone would want to see...

I text Jennifer today and MADE her give me a suggestion. She said obsessions/addictions (because, you know... that's what comes to her mind when she thinks of me.) And so I've started my film... not exactly on that topic, but almost close.

I'll let you know when I've got it finished.

Loving the HD video setting on my new camera. *BLISS*

Drank last night... that was... almost fun.

Was supposed to be for my the tail end of my birthday, but it kinda blew. I just sat there refreshing Twitter while Jennifer was texting. Ultimate fail. We ended up watching Push and I passed out... I did make good drinks, however. So that's a plus.

I have not been feeling myself lately, I guess. It's been coming through in photographs as well. As a photographer you evaluate every picture that you see, well, I already do that when I see a photo of myself -- I judge it very harshly -- but it had been a minute since I had taken photos of myself, so I tried to do that today and 98% of them came out craptastic. The look on my face just... just wasn't "Jodie".

I guess I'll wait a few days and try again. Don't think there's anything wrong, per se... just apparently my face isn't cooperating with my camera.

Tonight I'm supposed to chat chat chat with Jessie and Willow. :) Looking forward to that. Also tonight I'm apparently supposed to go look at this thingymajigger with Jennifer... should be fun to be 2 places at the same time. (They just slightly overlap each other.)

One of my favorite photos I took today...

Yep, those are my legs.

Turning 25.

"well it's the reaper inside of me,

writhing absentmindedly,

masochistic fashion suits me nicely,

oozing out days and nightly

some sad to see this side of me,

but now it's binding,

I've been losing my teeth in all my dreams,

I just need sweet release..."

Today, I am 25.

I am a quarter. I’m a fourth.

I have accomplished hardly anything I had planned to do before reaching this milestone. On paper, I am not much. On paper, I dropped out of school, I’ve been arrested and I have hardly ever kept a job. I have not been married, I have no children and I don’t even have a bank account or a cell phone in my name.

On paper I am worthless by society’s standards.

I would hope that whoever is reading this knows that there’s more to a person than what is on paper.

I believe that I have done quite a lot with my life and just in the past ten years, actually.

-I managed to have front row for Justin’s concert 6 times in 2007. (One of those times landed me on this HBO special/DVD that was seen around the world and I consider the defining moment of my concert career.)

-I helped out with a children’s charity for a weeklong event in 2008 and 2009. (And will continue to do so until at least 2012.)

-I learned how to produce my own music. I didn’t let people take advantage of me in the music business (no matter how green and eager I was).

-I have traveled more than anyone else in my immediate family has.

-I have met incredible people (celebrity or not).

-I actually read a book (or four – Twilight Saga) and found something other than Justin Timberlake that caught my interest.

-I have not had my heart broken.

-I don’t have a drug addiction.

-I didn’t end up pregnant by some random dude.

-I don’t have a STD.

This list could go on and on. All of these things I believe are accomplishments. Though they don’t seem as great on paper as the words “University”, “$40,000 a year”, “Mrs.”, “mother of two”… I still think that they are things to be proud of.

Life cannot be summed up in your job title. Life cannot be summed up by where you went to college and whom you married. Life isn’t about love; life isn’t about your job, your Twitter, your two kids and which side of the county line your house is on. So many people wrap themselves up in the façade – trying to create a perfect imagery for the outside viewer to gaze upon. So many people want to be the greener side of the grass that their entire lives revolve around this lie.

Their lives are lies.

I refuse to lie anymore. I refuse to pretend like I’m gonna do something that I’m not. Life is about happiness and adventure – or at least, that’s what my life is about. I can’t tell you how to live yours or what to live for. I once thought that I wanted the picket fences, the husband who had the .com, the 3.2 kids, dinner on the table for him when he got home… I once thought that I wanted that kind of life, but I would be living a lie. This is the only chance I get at life and I need to make each day count.

Twenty-five years has passed me so quickly it’s all a blur. I don’t want the next twenty-five to go by in a flash.