We're Going Down

"Am I more than you bargained for yet?

I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear,

Cuz that's just who I am this week..."

Ahh, Las Vegas... How I love thee, how I loathe thee... I wish that Las Vegas was a secret city that only a select few knew about and how awesome it is... I feel Chicago is very much like that. Most people have no idea how awesome it is...

Most of the time people don't know how awesome Las Vegas is, so it's always fucking fantastic to find someone who loves it just as hard as you do. [Insert sly eyebrow raise here...]

However, apparently EVERYONE knows how awesome Vegas is at the moment. After Tulsa we all (Jenn, Willow and I) decided that "fuck yes, we're going to see Monkeys in Vegas..."

Mnkys + Vegas = An awesome time that I will not remember the next day = WIN!

So we bought our plane tickets to Vegas, bought our Mnky show tickets and decided it wasn't THAT important that we go see the first Monkeys show... it starts at noon, meanwhile our plane literally lands AT noon... No biggie... We'd just go to the 21+ show later that night. (Those are more fun anyhow. *nods once*)

We didn't buy our return home plane tickets yet and I noticed on Southwest they were freaking edging us out... first the 1st went up to $281... that's fine, that's fine... we'll fly home the 2nd. So this morning I go to buy the return home tickets and the 2nd was $281... Well, fuck my life... so I'm staying in Vegas until the 3rd and meanwhile Jennifer is trying to either find a Greyhound or another airline... it's kinda becoming a pain in mah ass.

And then... last night I was on the computer and was just click, click, clicking things and totally decided that if the Monkeys and I are in Vegas at the same time that I HAVE TO SEE THEM. The end. So then we decided that we would not check baggage, get off the plane and fucking RUN to the Hard Rock in order to make it to the first show. :) That's love, boys... I don't run for anyone.

So we may not have everything all planned out, but who gives a shit. It's VEGAS. It's MONKEYS. Monkeys IN Vegas. The end. It doesn't get better than that... I'm freaking stokeeeeed and soo ready. 10 days.

We still have HELLA free VIP passes to Vegas clubs. I do believe we're hitting up Coyote Ugly again for Jennifer's birthday. :] T'will be greatness.

Dontcha wish your Larry was an Uncle, like mine...?

For The Girl

You know, you have the life.

You live the life you like, you have the man you want.

Nothing can stop you. Nothing can break you or bring you down.

You're able to look at things objectively and see the positive in almost everything.

Meanwhile...

Meanwhile I'm dark and twisty. I try to smile, but people take it the wrong way.

Thoughts and people consume me to an unhealthy level.

I adore the feeling of pills and knives, only for the reasons of control.

I can't control anything; I can't control life.

I never thought that I had a problem or issue with control... not until recently, anyway.

I let worry flood my mind, forcing all of the so-called "happiness" out of me.

Pink. Hearts. Happy faces.

Merely a facade to keep everyone from constantly inquiring "what's wrong?"

What's wrong... what's wrong?

If I could only tell you.

Why You Wanna Bring Me Down?

If life is made for living and it's based of the goods and bads of karma - why do people feel the need to push the "fuck your life" button?

When someone's life if going right, why can't they just keep it that way? Why can't they just let someone ride out a high and... I don't know... uh... be *happy* for them?

You know, I've done some wrong in this life and I'm really trying to set myself straight -- I have burned some bridges and I feel terrible about each and every one of them, I truly do. I would set it all right and apologize to their faces if I thought that it would change anything or cause peace, but I know better. I know that by speaking to these people it would just set off a chain of events called "DRAMA". The people that I've burned bridges with are good at that...

But I don't understand why they just won't leave me alone. I don't enter their lives, I don't even mention them in small talk or casual conversation... why can't they grant me the same gift?

I suppose I should be something like "flattered" that they still think of me, however I'm bothered that they still bother me and try and press my buttons.

I used to want everyone to like me, I used to want acceptance. Then I woke up and realized that was never going to exist. The best that I can do is do the best for myself, take what I was given and try to get through life smiling or faking it.

Please know that words hurt others. Maybe words have never hurt you, so maybe you're the one who does the hurting. Someday, I have faith, the tables will turn and you'll get hurt by someone's careless choice of words... then maybe you'll take the time to see that it's not all peaches and cream and that you were wrong.

...Or perhaps no one will ever hurt you and you'll continue to go about your peaceful existence. That would be fine too. I suppose as long as I have pain, I'll have art. That is something that these *bridges* don't have.

Is That Duct Tape?!!?

"she said "I love you Daddy..."

I love you Rock 'n Roll..."

You know what? Tulsa was so epic that it doesn't deserve one icon. Though that icon says so much, it doesn't say nearly enough, so here are three other icons that fit Tulsa perfectly.

Let's begin.

First of all, I love that Willow came all the way out to Kansas City to take the trip with us to Tulsa. It *made* the trip. Twas epic. I forced her to watch some Justin Timberlake shit, we had more laughs than I think anyone in the history of the world has ever had and it was amazing.

The Monkeys show was January 11th and we left super freaking early for Tulsa on the night before. It's a 5 hour drive from Kansas City down there and I tried, tried, tried to stay awake as long as I could but ultimately, I napped in the car.

We got to the McDonalds that spans over the highway -- Jenn had always told me about it -- and she woke me up, "look, it's the McDonalds." I basically said. "Awesome. Let's pee here." She asked me if I wanted a "hashy" (hashbrown) and I said, "No. Tired." So we went pee and then I went back to the car and went to sleep.

I had some amazing dreams while sleeping in the car that day... somewhere they crossed over from fantasy, into the almost reality and back again into sleep. Amazing. :)

We got to Tulsa at nearly 9a and went into Ida Red's somewhere between 12/1...? When we walked in we were the first people there and actually got to help out with the people who worked there setting up their stuff and stuff. She asked us about the Monkeys, their music, what they were like live... what they were like as people... of course we told her all we could.

She was going to fetch some food for them and asked what they liked to eat. I said that Ben G liked sweets, but Jackson didn't care much for them so she should have something salty (err, you know... uh... not sweet) for him. Sure enough when the boys showed up, Ben came out with a Butterfinger in his mouth.

She said that the boys had asked for beer but the owner had vetoed the idea. So I turned to Jenn and Willow and told them we should buy the guys beer and keep it in our van so we could lure them in. (*wink*) They loved the idea and went to Quik Trip and bought the boys a 20 pack.

The boys came in not too much later, still before there were hella people there -- of course once the boys GOT there that's when everyone else did too... Within seconds of walking in Ben and Willow were talking. Jackson walked in and within seconds he was with the one he wanted to be with too -- the piano in the corner of Ida Red's. :) He was playing it beautifully.

Willow and Jenn went to fetch the beer from the car and they brought it to the boys, who were of course, fucking stoked to have beer. XD Jerad talked to Jenn a bit about Vegas... ... ...

So da da da... concert thingy started... twas good. I got video of the boys singing Junkie (errr, Jackson singing Junkie... Ben played the piano that was over in the corner. Twas adorable.)

They sang the Monkey Song... before which they asked if anyone knew of Spencer Bell. We all woo'd... of course I think the only ones who knew of Spencer were us three and Lisa... That kinda broke my heart but then Jackson said, "Google him, or ask one of these fine people about him." We shouted, "we love Spencer!" And Ben and Willow had a bracelet moment. :)

Johnson sounded INCREDIBLE during The Monkey Song this time. :) Very proud... at the end of the song I said again, "I LOVE YOU SPENCER BELL!" And Jackson kissed his thumb, crossed himself and looked upwards...

...and I also got video of them singing Keep Awake.

Ben and I had a laugh moment during Keep Awake. :) I did the knife movement for "a knife that's itching for your red blood..." and he smiled really big and pointed at me. At the end of the song the chick behind me goes, "so do you do weddings?" Jackson asked, "are you proposing? Cuz Jerad's already done a wedding... ...I'm looking for my first ex-wife, it's true..." and the look on Jerad and Johnson's face was PRICELESS. They were both in utter shock. I love it. Captured it on the vid. Epic. :) Ben G was just lauuuuuughing.

Then it was off to the autography thingy... we took up an insane amount of the boys time. It wasn't until later that I heard they cut it short and didn't even get to sign for everyone -- kinda felt bad about taking up so much of their time then... of course in the moment I was just happy to be spending time with them.

I gave them copies of the photos I have with each guy and asked them to sign them... I got an "I love U" from Jerad and a "much love!" from Jackson. :) Willow got a heart from Ben on her autograph and Jackson said to her, "that's serious business..." (hence one of the icons up there...)

I gave the boys their "tour survival kit" that I had planned since Nashville to give to them. Jerad and Jackson started going through it, naming off some of the things they liked. Jerad said they needed the Sharpies and the Germ-X wipes [for Ben's feet...] they both kept thanking me and then Jerad realized he was holding up the line and said, "what else is in there?" I told him there was water balloons, super glue and grow animals. (Amongst other things.) Jackson asked me what grow animals were and I told him they were the little things you put in water and they expand to grow. :) *shrugs* As Jerad was putting the bag down, thanking me again, Jackson looks up at me with these bright wide eyes and goes "is that Duct Tape?!" ((go look at the third icon up at the top of the post. XD)) I said "YES!" He said, "that's awesome!!!!!" ((yes, with that many exclamation points...)) and I said, "I KNEW you would love it." Because in all honesty when I got the duct tape, I knew that Jackson was going to be the one to hijack it.

Just like I got the Fender guitar picks thinking of Jerad... I got the grown animals thinking of Ben G... I got the Germ-X thinking of Johnson...

So right after the duct tape moment I got my picture with de boys again... The stupid "security guard" like, wouldn't let me any closer to Jerad... uhhh... I'm not going to hurt him. Swear.

I've, of course, compared the photos and Jackson is smiling wider in my photo here than in my last one. :)

So we leave the boys... "I'll see you later..." and head over to Cain's... not before we get lost forever on Jackson Av... Lisa said, "hey at least it's a good place to get lost." XD

Finally we get to Cain's. We hate their will call. Do me a favor -- go to Cain's. It's amazing... incredible... it's sooo wow... but DON'T get will call. Just, don't.

We get inside and *would* have had front row... if it wasn't for will call, but instead we're somewhere between the 2nd and third row--ish...

Opening act was pretty good... took me a second to get into them, but I really liked their sound. Willow said, "the opening act was... MEH. Sang about whales. Fuck them." (She *really* hates whales.)

We (us three and Lisa) were SOOO the only people who knew the words to most of their songs. There were some obnoxious bitches right behind us and all of us girls were ready to rip some hair out... I got some incredible photos from the show... check out some of them here.

During Sleeping Giants Jackson dug a blue lighter out of his back pocket and grinned at me... it was one of the lighters from their tour survival kit! :) He used it as a slide during the song and kept looking at me and smiling at me like, "yep, I'm using your lighter." (Photos of that on Facebook...)

The boys asked for their improv -- I suggested duct tape... my girls echoed my decision and Jerad chose...?

DUCT TAPE! XD

Twas a good and sexy song -- I got a video of it, however, youtube must think it's waay too awesome or something because it just won't let me load it for whatever reason. :( I'll eventually find a way around that or find somewhere else to host it. Will work something out.

After the show I ran up to Jerad as he was leaving (with the bottle of Jack from the stage...) and I said "JERAD!" He turned and smiled and I said "high five!" He high fived my hand and kinda grabbed it while I said, "great show tonight... I'll see you again soon." He smiled and ran off backstage.

The show was awesome, the energy was incredible -- especially for Jerad and Jackson being sick and feeling like ass. :( I felt soo bad for them, but then felt good that I had given them tea and cough drops. :) I think the Jack Daniels made them feel better... just sayin'...

It was the best Monkey show that I have seen so far. :) Annnnnnd... Jerad maaay have had something to do with us deciding to go to Las Vegas.

MONKEY! MONKEY! MONKEY!

Spent All My Rent, Yeah You Know I Enjoyed It

"Could we fix you if you broke,

Is your punch line just a joke,

I'll never talk again,

Oh boy you've left me speechless..."

4 days!! I get to see my Monkeys in 4 days!! I'm sooo stoked! Willow is coming down so that we can all go to the Tulsa show together. She gets here in 2 days. :) I'm sooo happy to get to see her again.

It's been freaking cold here... wintery death pit O' Kansas City. Hey man, at least we get to get out of Kansas City for a day or three... [depending XD]

So the other day Jennifer and I were at HyVee and I looked at this truck funny... I knew it was going to back out even though we were standing right there, so I pulled her out of the way and then the truck started backing up. I got livid, walked around -- he saw us and continued to back out! Nearly hitting Jennifer TWICE! I started screaming at him... rawr rawr rawr! So then we get up to the doors of HyVee and this old dude told me that it was MY fault that we nearly got run over because I was wearing a black coat. I said, "is that what you're going to tell the police" Because pedestrian's have the right of way, asshole! It made me sooo livid... I wanted to punch that old guy in his shrivled old balls. Dick face.

Watched Justin's HBO special last night on the HD -- looked and sounded amazing... After watching Cry Me A River I had to go back and re-edit my Justin photos...

Justin photos of the day:

Taken in Memphis, 07 - although he wore the same tie to the New York HBO show a week later... XD

You Play The Guitar On The MTV

"Look at them yo-yo's,

That's the way you do it,

You play the guitar on the MTV,

That ain't working,

That's the way you do it,

Let me tell you, them guys ain't dumb,

Maybe get a blister on your little finger,

Maybe get a blister on your thumb..."

I need to practice my Dire Straits more. Ultimate goal is to be able to play the intro to "Money For Nothing" effortlessly. It's one of those songs that I was raised on, it's magnificent. Truly. Mark Knopfler is god.

Well, turns out the little "intruder" that we had on New Years Eve was nothing to freak out over... it was our neighbors cousin - he ran upstairs to get something from his cousin's apartment and didn't know which one was hers. Jennifer works with this girl that lives across the hall, so I guess it was harmless. However, still scary nontheless. I am happy to hear that it wasn't some completely random person, though.

Today I made a FormSpring account... it's where people can ask you question anonymously and you answer them. :) Fun times... ask me a question or 20 here.

Today we're getting our stove and our "ice box". I really hate when people call refridgerators an "ice box". Just a random pet peeve. I guess it's because I grew up calling it a fridge and I never heard "ice box" until I moved into the "ghetto" part of KC. Just sounds... strange. *pictures a box full of ice...* I also really hate when Jenn's mom says to "zap" something in the microwave. Then I think of bugs.

I feel like I'm on the brink of something, I am just not sure what it is yet.

Pic of the Day:

**DJ Action**

[[I kinda really just want to move that beer a little farther away from the equipment...]]

Last night the boys played a show at the Beauty Bar on Fremont in Las Vegas... Jennifer remembers the bar clearly from our last trip out there, I didn't remember it until I saw a picture of it today.

I am going through serious Vegas withdrawals. Jay had his 25th birthday there, then turned around a week later and celebrated New Years Eve in Vegas --- Jenn and I KICKED ourselves for not following through on our plan to celebrate our ten year out there, but we wanted to save money for the Monkey tour --- and then they had their show out there last night, after which they boys tweeted that "DJ Action" was going to be the DJ for the bar after the show... today they have a free acoustic set and signing at a record store.

There's so many things that I *want* to say about Jackson DJing, but I will just stick with that I'm fucking impressed and I hate myself for not being there. At least I know The Vegas is in good hands. ;) Tear it up, Monkeys!

National Hangover Day

"that's the way, that's the way it ought to be..."

I hope that everyone had a happy and safe New Years Eve and that no one is TOO hungover today.

Strangest thing happened to me last night. (Well, more than one strange thing, but one at a time now...) Jenn and I polished off 3 bottles of champagne and I didn't "break the seal" once... didn't pee before bed and then when I woke up this morning I didn't have a hangover, didn't even really have to pee...

See? Strange.

Had a dream about Monkeys and boat... that was weird.

Now, onto our New Years.

We opted to stay in, thinking it would be the safest way to party... we got champagne and some snacks, listened to music... had some laughs, talked, took pics... etc... It was all fun and gravy until about 1115p when I went to get another drink.

I left Jennifer sitting in the living room and she was texting, I went into the kitchen... I come around the corner and the front door is open just a crack and there's some random dude in a white hat and a red shirt peeking around the corner. Jennifer is completely oblivious. I said, "what the fuck?" And the guy pulled the door closed, leaving.

Jennifer was still completely oblivious and unaware of what had just happened.

I grabbed the kitchen knife and I went out of my door... I said loudly, "who the FUCK was just in my house?" I looked and looked, couldn't find anyone... knocked on the doors downstairs, no one answered...

I guess it's a good thing that no one answered because they would have gotten to see a very bad side of me.

However, the landlord and I are going to have WORDS. Many words... not many words on his part -- but he's going to get an earful from me.

So... needless to say, that ruined my night and my buzz... Jennifer apologized for not locking the door. (Something I am a stickler for.)

I ruined my tally of "good days" and ended up taking the knife into the bedroom with me... The feeling of being out of control just makes me want to control something. I can control the pressure in which the knife cuts my skin.

Jennifer spent midnight with me wiping up my blood and wiping up my tears. I only cried after she saw my cuts. She deals with too much from me... she takes care of me entirely too hard. I really am completely useless without her.

So now I'm pressed. Do I want to move? I've only lived here like 2 weeks or something like that... I guess we're approaching 3. It's pretty unpractical to want to move... however if shit doesn't start to change fucking YESTERDAY with this asshole of a landlord, I'm going to have to kill him and hide the body in the attic with the critter that lives up there.

Pic of us from last night... I'm laughing at how Bella is positioned:

xoxox