"Paranoia's brought me to my knees,
Lord, please, please, please,
Take away the anxiety..."
Today my girlfriend and I were talking about Robert Pattinson and his anxiety, which that isn't for me to discuss here. I think later she's going to post something about it later, which I will link here for you to read - she's got far better points than I could ever make about the entire situation... However, it made me think about my own anxiety.
It's not something that I usually freely talk about and discuss with people, but I thought that now might be the time.
I've had a lot of issues my whole life, but I didn't really realize that I had anxiety until about 1996ish. (Around the time I was 12.) Of course, I didn't finally discover Xanax until much later. I've never had a perscription for it - I've lived very much of my adult life, since I was 19, without insurance - which fucks me up bad...
Then, of course... I discovered that I could take away the anxiety other ways than Xanax or Klonopin... one way I found is to get hopped up on Benadryl... the other way I'm not ready to talk about yet. Then of course there's just having a fit while I'm balled up in the corner, but that doesn't really take the anxiety AWAY... it sort of just let's me have a fit while I'm balled up in the corner.
Things that cause me to have anxiety? Large crowds, close surroundings, speaking in front of people, nervousness about specific events, family is a big cause... that's where all my Xanax went... those are the big things... the tiny things? Misplacing something, current events, being late, not being able to find something to wear, my hair.
I can't explain anxiety - they way it feels to me. I'm sure it feels different to different people, but for me? My vision narrows and all I can concentrate on is whatever it is that's making me anxious at the moment... my chest aches and I can't breathe... I wring my hands and dig my nails into my skin, scratching myself or pulling my hair because it alleviates some of the tension that I feel in my chest... then I just concentrate on the physical that I'm causing myself at the moment.
Some may ask, "doesn't that hurt?" Some may have seen what I did to my wrist last May when I was in LA (I posted the picture in my mobile uploads on my Facebook page) and ask how I could do that, and how bad it hurt... honestly? It doesn't hurt when I'm doing it. It's something to concentrate on. It's something to focus on to take my attention away from whatever is making me so anxious at the moment... then the next day...? It's a constant reminder that I'm very fucked up.
To my surprise, no one has ever really tried to stop me from being fucked up. I'm a recluse, which I believe I get from my father. I'm completely paranoid all the time... add anxiety to that and yeaaaaaah...
I'm not at a complete loss. I do manage to survive and I try to not let it hold me back too awful much. Yeah, sometimes I leave things early because I get too anxious... but I've been lucky that it's never prevented me from singing/performing. Even if I felt like there was a gaping hole in my chest while I was on stage, I would still perform through it. I wouldn't care.
In conclusion, my anxiety is tolerable with the amount of medication I use to cover it. With the amount of pressure that I can apply to my wrists. With the amount of time I spend holed up in my room.
Pic o-tha-day:
Madmartigan.
2 comments:
The amount of courage it took to post something so honest and so real so totally amazes me. Everything you wrote sit so close to home it brought tears to my eyes and a familiar ache to my heart. Thank you for sharing it.
Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. ~Lucius Annaeus Seneca
I wish that I had something profound to say here, that would erase every hint of anxiety you have.
To be honest, I am but damaged goods.
You however, YOU are a beacon of light in a world gone dark, a breath of fresh air where there isn't even a stale breeze.
I love how you opened up and shared some of your heart, if only he could see this and know he isn't alone.
I hope that you know, you aren't alone. I'm right here, always, no matter what.
Some of your hurts you have cured,
And the sharpest you still have survived,
But what torments of grief you endured
From the evil which never arrived.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I know I cannot heal you fully,but I will work every hour of every day for the rest of forever, holding the pieces together, and making sure I stitch you up to the best of my ability.
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