Flash Forward & Rewind: One Year

Over the past several months I've sat and thought a lot about how drastically my life changed in the past year. I went through unbelievable amounts of heartbreak and loss (on many levels), only to turn a corner and find myself pointed 90 degrees in another direction.

I spent the summer of 2011 on the road to photograph 100 Monkeys. All the way from Ohio on the first date of their tour, through Florida and the south, the midwest and then the entire west coast, all the way through to their last show. Our friendships spanned across new bridges, and as we grew closer we finally decided that it was the right time to release a photobook together.

In the months that I spent photographing them last summer I met some of the most amazing people across the country. Some of the sweetest and most sincere people down in Florida and Alabama... (Roll Tide!) I met some people with deep pockets for drinking tabs in New Orleans (I have to stop going there...). I always meet great people in Texas, but I was sad to see it go, as it had been my home for the previous 6 months.

Then, midway through the tour, I ended back up in Kansas City for the first time in exactly a year. I hadn't seen my mother for the whole year and she came out to shoot the 100 Monkeys show with me that night. (I scored her a photo pass and I got to introduce her to the band. I was glad that I could make that happen for her.)

100 Monkeys was traveling with two of their own opening acts, Bleeding Horse Express and The Kissing Club, and each night I would wonder if the show would feature a local opener. On the nights when there was not a local opener I would leave the night with just some numbness from working the show (standing for hours upon end, hauling camera gear, rocking my face off, etc.). And on the nights when there was an additional band on the bill I would leave the venue barely walking (and not always just because of the whiskey).

I remember the very first thought I had when I looked on stage and saw an unfamiliar drumset in front of me.

"Fuck." I thought to myself.

A fourth band. 

I had been on the road for a month and on my feet so much I'd worn holes in the soles of my shoes. I was standing at the front of the stage with my mother and she was testing her camera settings and her flash when she took this test shot of the opener's drumkit to check her exposure. It turned out cool, so I told her to keep it.

The next couple hours are a little hazy. I had taken a few pills to help the pain in my back and legs and... let's just say... I became one with rock 'n roll.

I've seen a lot of opening acts in my day. Some much better than others. I usually don't pay attention to them because they can't keep my attention while I'm sitting there waiting for the show to get on so that I can take my pictures... but within the first line of this band's song I turned to the people who I knew around me and I said, "Holy crap! They're actually good!"

I never did meet the opening band, or really remember much about their music other than the fact that I liked it, but I knew that I liked it so much that I took my phone out and liked their Facebook page while I was at the show. (And I'm stingy as fuck with my likes.)

Flash forward a year from that date and here I am living in that very same band's house.

It truly is amazing and humbling to see just how fast your life can change so drastically. I went through some life-altering, drastic changes on that tour... This summer I assumed I would be on the road again, following 100 Monkeys to their next destination, drinking whiskey with friends and talking Bic lighters.

Now, 100 Monkeys has split as a band, I'm the tour manager for Not A Planet and while I'm still drinking whiskey with my friends, my future of Bic lighters looks burned out.

I could go on talking about Not A Planet forever... but I'll save some more of that for later. ;)

P.S. Now that drumkit makes me super happy. :) 

I Understand.

I used to think (and tell myself) that if I was skinny/rich/beautiful/successful that I would be wanted and that a man would come to my side and want to be my boyfriend.

I am fine and happy and proud to say that I WAS WRONG.

While I have written out numerous reasons for why I am alone and forever will be, I can tell you that nearly none of them have anything to do with the fact that I am not skinny/rich/beautiful/successful.

Being skinny/rich/beautiful/successful does not make you wanted. It gives you a validation for why people would want you... and really, if they just want you because you are skinny/rich/beautiful/successful, why would you want to be with them anyhow? You wouldn't. (Well, I wouldn't. I won't speak for you.)

Recently a few friends of mine have asked me, "have you seen [insert TV show here]?" I reply a flat, "No." "WHAT?!! Why not?! It's amazing." That's fantastic. I'm glad that you have time to watch fantastic TV. I watch reruns of Ugly Betty before I go to bed while I'm still sending out emails. I do not have time to watch television and most days I don't have time to even "check" Reddit.

If I can't find just a few minutes to myself to watch the newest episodes of Hell's Kitchen or to go look at cats and trees on Reddit, why should I subject myself to a relationship? I barely have time to take a bath without being rushed, to return all the emails that I need to return or to work on my friendships that I have... so why would I ever want to start dating?

I see what my friends in relationships go through. God bless them for having the strength to do so, but fuck. I like my alone time. To me, it seems like they're never alone.

People keep trying to tell me that I will grow out of this. They try to tell me that I will meet that "special" someone and everything will fall away and nothing else will matter on the earth.

They're full of shit.

I will always be selfish. I will always have my abandonment issues. I will always want to travel and wander and surround myself with the boys in the band.

The only thing that I might miss? I like to kiss. Sometimes it wouldn't be so bad to have someone to kiss. I just don't want to have to deal with all the emotional baggage that comes with anything more than that.

All of this is trivial and pointless. In the end, none of it will matter anyhow.

I am fine and perfectly content with being eternally lonely.

Consider it a life choice. A choice to be alone in a world full a people who are together.

Girl On The Go: Life As A Girl On Tour

Being the only girl on tour has its pros and cons (just like everything else in life.) This post is something that I've wanted to write about for quite some time but I just didn't have enough to say (or enough balls) to post it yet. 


There's without a doubt more men than women in the entertainment and touring industry. Here's my perspective on the pros and cons to being the only girl touring with an all male rock band. (Trust me, it's heavy on the pros.)

[It's not generic; it's pretty specific to my experience traveling with this band.]

Pros
-I can be what they need me to be when they need me to be it. 
I don't know if this has anything to do with my sex or if it's just who I am by nature. I've always been a different person to everyone else and that definitely doesn't stop when I'm with the band. Each member gets a different side of me. I won't give away what I do that's "special" for each of the boys, but I definitely treat them all differently. I believe that you have to - if you treat everyone the same you're never going to make anyone happy. I tailor myself to each person, because each person is different. 

-I am a sister, a confidant, a friend, a bitch, the weatherman, I coddle when I need to, I am firm when necessary, I'm a drinking buddy, I'm a bad influence, I'm the voice of reason, I am logic, etc. ;)
-music everywhere all the time
Do you know how much musicians love music? I know that sounds like a redundant question, but there are times when I get serenaded with brand new songs that don't have names yet, or interrupted because Fergie just came on the radio and it's sing-along time. Late night jam sessions with the people we are staying with is my favorite, though. :)


-when we make a pit stop I get to go to the bathroom alone
This is amazing. I cannot tell you how happy I am to be a woman at that time. When you're stuck with people 24/7 it's nice to be able to pee in private. (I guess the boys aren't so lucky on this one... tough shit.)


-they're loyal as fuck.
In simple terms: they are smart and good people. Loyal to those that they love.  


-they take care of me when I party hard
I know that they've all got my back (as I, of course, have theirs) and that any one of them would hold my head, my hand or hold me up if I needed them to. (And they have.)


-they care about me 
When I have a bad day they ask me what's wrong and let me talk it out with them. They were there for me to talk to them when 100 Monkeys broke up. When they meet the people from my life they talk to them and show interest in them... they put up with me when I reference my experiences with 100 Monkeys (which is, unfortunately, more than I should -- but it's where I got the most experience from... so hey, whatcha gonna do?!!)

-snuggles 
I made a big mistake on the last tour when the band found out that I can't stay mad at any of them if they hug me. Big mistake. But... I must say that getting hugs on the regular is one of the best parts of my job. I thoroughly enjoy my after-show snuggles from each boy. Plus when I'm sad (or mad) there's nothing better in the world than hugging someone you care about.

Cons



-boys are loud. 
I can't sleep unless it's very quiet, so needless to say I rarely sleep in the van. (Hence why I got 8h of sleep total this past weekend when we had 2 shows.) I'm not upset; just like it's my priority to make them eat food before I do - they need more sleep than I do. Their jobs are harder and more draining than mine is. It's my job to take care of them. 


-I don't sleep a lot.
This doesn't really have much to do with the boy/girl factor as much as it does about touring in general. Of course there's rarely time to sleep when you're on the road, but then the time that we do have to sleep is usually with people who are strangers to me. I have a really weird hyper sense of manners (which I've written about previously) and it takes me a very long time to feel comfortable in someone else's home. [I have only ever found 2 exceptions to the rule.] So, I often feel extremely strange. Luckily, I am very comfortable with my boys, so that often helps me slightly. I assume this will get easier over time. 

-boys are gross and do boy things and say boy things.
I know they censor themselves in front of me (as they flat out told me), but while I may be treated like "one of the boys", I will never act like one of the boys. 


-it's hard to do girl things.
I can't change clothes in the car, which, on previous tours, was where I did most of that. I got a playful teasing when I purchased tampons at a gas station. I have plucked my eyebrows in the van and they've seen me with no makeup, slept-in-day-old-hungover makeup and seen me put on my makeup (as I gave them shit and threats about hitting bumps as I'm putting on eyeliner); trust me I definitely have no illusions left. 


-my emotions 
I'm an emotional person. I see Hallmark commercials and I cry. I see a cute puppy and I have to point it out. Yes, I'm a total girl 100% of the time. I like pink, rainbows, glitter and Lady Gaga. ...these are the things that I [try to] keep to myself when I'm with the band. (Except I still point out all the puppies.)

My boys are absolutely amazing. Not only are they more talented than I can express with words (I only have faces and noises for that sort of explanation), but they are genuinely great people. They're kind, thoughtful, cleaner than I imagined, less smelly than other bands (*cough*), and a whole bunch of other sweet things that I won't say about them for fear of making their heads swell.


Pros and cons aside, I'm fucking lucky as fuck to be able to travel with such a great group of guys. They make the work feel less like work and more like awesome. 

Girl Vs. Corset

Something that I haven't talked about very much in a public forum is my love and adoration for corsets. Waist training is something that I haven't done very long (less than one year), but something that I truly enjoy.

Although, it's not all bunnies and butterflies; I truly dislike how it turns my big boobs into HUGE boobs that I feel come up to my neck... I also dislike how it somehow makes me feel fatter instead of thinner... (I think that has something to do with the fact that my boobs are up to my neck; I can clearly see that my waist is, in fact, smaller... so it's nonsense that I would feel that way.)

Wearing a corset is not for everyone. My best friend won't even consider it. Many people who have never put on a corset think that it must be painful or uncomfortable. It truly isn't and the best way that I've heard it described to me that I can put it is that it feels just like a hug. (It does!)

The only thing that is uncomfortable is lacing it yourself (which gets easier with practice), and constantly sitting up straight when it uses muscles that have been lax for years. (Which, also, gets easier with practice.)

I haven't laced in 2 months. I was on tour for a few weeks (and then I was lazy for a few weeks). I had considered continuing my lacing on tour, which I'm glad that I didn't. The road is definitely not a place for it. Sitting for hours and hours in a corset in a van would have been dreadful.

Today. Laced. Starbucks.

What are your thoughts (or experiences!) on corsets and lacing? :)

Photographers Are Fish, Too.

There's something to be said for how much I'll go through for something that I love. Today's topic: photography.

What a lovely, and yet simultaneously, painful subject for me.

First let me start by saying that 90% of my photography experience has been positive. Also, at the same time, 90% of my photography experience I have not been paid for.

Photographers, as I see it, are a lot of fucking fish in a big ass pond. (For the sake of this blog I will pretend that the different species I am about to name do not know whether they need to live in freshwater or saltwater in order to survive; that's not the point.)

There's some tiny minnows, which are the people who take a camera with them - nail the lighting in one photo - all their friends on Facebook say, "OMG. What a great photo! You should be a photographer!" And bam-presto - they create a Facebook fan page which they will beat their friends down with until they all "like" it as they post photos of poorly compositioned flowers, and their nieces and nephews for everyone to see - all the while calling themselves a "professional".

Goldfish, I'd say, are the people who really are good at taking photos, but perhaps never really attempt to tap into it as a career, thus, their photography moments are short-lived.

The Angelfish is the hobbiest... enjoying taking photos, probably very good at it, but is either smart enough to have a career in which they get paid lots of money, or knows if they were to monetize photography it might lose its passion.

Clams, starfish, crustaceans; all consistent in their photography, perhaps working as a wedding photographer or for a portrait studio.

The piranha... one word: paparazzi.

The humpback whale is more interested in the artistic aspect of photography than making monetary gain from their work, however, they'll eventually get featured in a gallery somewhere and go on to make a great name for themselves.

Dolphins are photographers who possess talent but lack footing or are, perhaps, too nice. Dolphins want to be sharks, but don't want to bite.

Sharks: the biggest, the baddest, the best. The ones who make money, are good at it and are good at photography.

Several people have tried to tell me that I'm absolutely crazy for doing as much as I do for no pay. However, if I were to have demanded that the bands I shot paid me, I more than likely would have never gotten to shoot them. In turn, I never would have been able to deliver those photos to fans, making them happy and thus, creating a following for myself. I never would have been able to put those photos into my portfolio or use their bragging rights in my resume.

If I would have charged for the first wedding that I shot (which was of a friend from my childhood and I did it for free as her wedding gift), I probably would not have booked the shoot. I then would not have any wedding photos to include in my portfolio and therefore could lose out on other, perhaps paying, gigs from brides who want a photographer who has shot more than just rockstars in random states.

Every now and then I go into a spurt of releasing a new special which is exquisitely priced, I release a photo book (which I make pennies on because I'd rather people hold my art than pass it up because it's priced too high) or I all around try to make a few dollars because it's frustrating to not.

I am still using the first camera that I ever got because I cannot afford a new one, though I have outgrown this one ten-fold. I have managed to earn enough money from time to time to buy new lenses, a battery grip, a BlackRapid, etc. But each and every dime that I accumulate goes back into my photography.

The way I see it is that if I put my name out there enough eventually someone will see my work and seek me out; if not, at least I've created a following who will hopefully RT links and thus bring in more followers, who will hopefully eventually seek me out for something... and if that doesn't work, each and every thing that I have done looks great on my resume - which could potentially land me a job somewhere.

There's several things that I would change if I had it to do all over again. I will not name them as I try not to have regrets or recognize them; I just learn and push forward.

Unfortunately for me, I chose what some believe is the hardest genre of photography: music. There's hardly any money in it... but my god it's fun. I truly would not trade it for anything in the world.

If you wouldn't do your job for free - you shouldn't be doing your job. Do something that makes you happy.

...Also, if you read this and you want to give me a job... let's go. jodie.musicfirst@gmail.com

Abandonment

I will keep this short; I have abandonment issues. My mother left me when I was 3, my father always has been distant... I raised myself. I did okay, but how much can an 8 year old know about anything?

People always pack up their bags and leave me. Friend and boyfriends/girlfriends leave at the drop of a hat without a word or so much as a "goodbye, I am leaving you."

I constantly have my heart walked on and tossed through a blender.

I am sure (positive of it) that I do something to cause them leaving me - possibly by walking into every friendship/relationship I have with the knowledge that they will end up leaving me in the end.

Truth is, in raising myself and spending most of my life alone, I fear that I do not know how to conduct a relationship with a human.

A few months ago I realized that however much I wanted my life to have a child in it, it would be incredibly selfish. I may consider adopting eventually.

A few weeks ago (which has then be verified from actions from this morning and this evening) I realized that I do not know how to conduct a relationship of the romantic variety between myself and another person and therefore I am going to salvage my heart and the hearts of others by choosing to remain alone for the foreseeable future.

I have never been in love. I have never enjoyed kissing anyone. I have never felt like a magnet to anyone. I don't know if I am capable of feeling those things because of my emotional abuse and abandonment as a child.

I have explained this to everyone I have been in a relationship with... They still eventually walk out of my life without a word.

I cannot handle getting abandoned any more.

I realize and am more self aware than anyone will ever truly pay attention to; I am self destructive to the tenth power, I am often misunderstood, but let me tell you, I am the most giving and loving person of the people who love me - I think once they truly realize how fucked up I am, it's too much of a responsibility for them and so they boot.

Oh well.

I always see it coming.

I can attest art to it, right?

This was longer than I intended. I wrote this for me, not you. Sometimes I need to write in order to time stamp things in my life.

At this current moment my professional life seems to be going okay... So that must mean my personal life has to fall apart, right?

I try to hold everything together with superglue as much as possible.

Thanks for reading.

118 Songs Everyone Needs On Their iTunes

In alphabetical order here are 118 songs that I feel you can't live without/could benefit having in your life.

Download. Repeat. (Or listen to on YouTube.)

(Repeat 117 more times.)

Come back and tell me how they changed your life.

Enjoy. :)

1. We Need A Resolution - Aaliyah ...the beat on this song just makes me die and be happily reborn again.
2. My Same (Live) - Adele ...I absolutely adore singing along to this.
3. Potential Breakup Song - Aly & AJ ...guilty pleasure #1
4. Flavor Of The Weak - American Hi-Fi ... saw them in concert; my first legit mosh pit. I fell down and a cute guy picked me up. I love to blast this song and SCREAM it.
5. Wreck Of The Day - Anna Nalick ...I hate myself for not writing this song, but I love it (and her) so much. One of my top 5 favorite songs of ALL TIME.
6. We Used To Wait - Arcade Fire ...I listen to the entire Suburbs album front to back several times a week. Life changing. This album (in its entirety) has 56 plays on my iTunes.
7. Fake Tales Of San Francisco - Arctic Monkeys ...This song reminds me of so much... I sing it all the time (loudly) when I'm mad... "Oh you saved me, she screamed down the line, the band weren't very good and I'm not having a nice time!"
8. Bad Day - Asher Roth ...the first chorus; story of my LIFE.
9. Crank It Up - Ashley Tisdale ...I fell in love with this song. I won't lie. It's catchy as FUCK.
10. Head Full Of Doubt, Road Full Of Promise - Avett Brothers ...I have a tattoo that I'm getting that's relevant to a lyric from this song. THAT'S how much I love it.
11. Sail - AWOLNATION ...fell in love with it when I saw a video on Reddit of a breakdancer dancing see here. I had never heard the song or of the band before then... apparently they're a big deal. I like the ADD and kill myself part. Relates to me.
12. Channel Z - B-52's ...Cosmic Thing is one of the albums that I grew up on.
14. Feel Flows - Beach Boys ...makes me want to smoke weed.
15. Here Comes The Sun - The Beatles ...I'm not a huge fan of the Beatles, but I adore this song and a few others.
16. Moonlight Sonata - Beethoven ...Over 200 plays in iTunes. Sometimes I'll just sit there with it on repeat for hours and stare at the ceiling... or paint...
17. Alone - Ben Harper ...another life changing song. If you like this one, check out ANYTHING by Ben Harper.
18. Hypnotize - Biggie ..."Escargot, my car go..."
19. When The Lights Go Out" - The Black Keys ...I fell in love with them on the Black Snake Moan soundtrack... amazing... go see that movie, too.
20. All That I Need - Blind Melon ...can you ever go wrong with Blind Melon?
21. Family Reunion - Blink 182 ...You want to hear some curse words?! I once got asked to leave school for wearing a Blink "Take Off Your Pants & Jacket" tour shirt... Good times.
22. Call Me - Blondie ...I have this dream of having a high school acapella choir sing this song. I have it all arranged in my head.
23. Blind Willie McTell - Bob Dylan ...ever see "I'm Not There"? It was a miraculous film. Go.
24. The Wreckoning - Boomkat ...So thankful I haven't lost this song. Was once my theme song.
25. I Feel So - Boxcar Racer ...another once upon a theme song...
26. Be Gentle With Me - The Boy Least Likely To ...this song reminds me of driving through the Utah desert in 2009 and I could see EVERY star that there ever was. It was absolutely amazing and incredible. I pulled the car over to stop and take it in. It was the perfect weather and the perfect skyline.
27. Nine Sixteen - Bruno Merz ...I don't remember where I found this song, but it reminds me of endless roads while on the road.
28. See The Light - CCR ...come ON... repeat this song for a few days and you'll have a new perspective on your current problem.
29. Bend Over Beethoven - !!! ...I want to know who mastered this album; it sounds fuck-excellent.
30. Hang Me Up To Dry - Cold War Kids ...I can listen to this on repeat for about 5x and then I'm ready to move on, but the beat will stay with me for days.
31. Put Your Records On - Corrine Bailey Rae ...this song used to make me cry each time I listened to it.
32. Mr Jones - Counting Crows ...this song DOES make me cry each time I listen to it. Without fail.
33. Possum Song - Dana Falconberry ...absolutely perfect lyrics; it gives me chills each time I hear it. LISTEN RIGHT NOW. "How could I be lonely...?"
34. The Rat - Dead Confederate ...listen to it... and think about it.
35. Ain't That A Kick In The Head - Dean Martin ...It's Dean Martin!!!!
36. Grapevine Fires - Death Cab ...I am trying to just pick one song per artist, which is hard to do with a band (my favorite band) like Death Cab... but this song evokes strong emotions in me; I can't say why... I don't know why. It makes me cry almost every time. I love it.
37. Rake's Song - The Decemberists ...I haven't met many of their songs that I didn't love, this song I have a strong conviction for. I love storytelling songs and things that have a beginning, middle and end... (like most Death Cab songs)... this song I fucking love and adore. (And my best friend has a strong conviction against it... which makes it even better.) The song is about killing your own children. You're curious now, aren't you?
38. Black Irish - Devil Makes Three ...this will forever remind me of the winding roads of California's path to the 101, but I fucking love it. Partly my motto.
39. Sultans of Swing - Dire Straits ...another band that I was raised on... this has the greatest guitar solo of all time. I will argue that to the death.*
40. Shake It Off - The Donnas ...if you don't like the Donnas, you should go die in a hole. They have a chick drummer and they're all hot as FUCK.
41. Love Her Madly - The Doors ...this song makes me happy. That's its sole purpose in life.
42. Watching The Detectives - Elvis Costello ...the only "Elvis" that I knew growing up. "She's filing her nails while they're dragging the lake"... best. line. ever.
43. My Dad's Gone Crazy - Eminem ...Can rap every word. Listen to the song & think about that.
44. At Last - Etta James ...I hate that she's passed... but... this has always been my go-to karaoke performance song... never fails to get them to pay attention. :)
45. I Need A Man - Eurythmics ...my go-to chick lead singer growing up. I used to listen to this at photoshoots when I was a kid. I still belt this shit.
46. The Take Over, The Break's Over - Fall Out Boy ...I don't care what people say; I fucking love FOB. Lyrical perfection. This song took me from "fan" to "obsessed".
47. Paper Bag - Fiona Apple ...another lyrical perfection. This song gets thrown on repeat a lot while I sing it in a happily and melancholy way. (Yep, you think about that for a while.)
48. Do You Realize? - The Flaming Lips ...I wanted to BE this song.
49. Gold Dust Woman - Fleetwood Mac ...I wanted to BE Stevie Nicks.
50. DOA - Foo Fighters ...I sing this motherfucker like I MEAN it. I play air drums to it... the intro is my favorite. :D
51. Just One Of Those Things - Frank Sinatra ...I'm glad we were never alive at the same time. I would have been a groupie for Frank.
52. Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand ...I will say this one more time... this song has the best tempo change in the history of music.
53. Queer - Garbage ...I wish I wrote this song. When this song came out I used to playsing it to my mirror with a hairbrush. Oh yeah.
54. O Shot - The Gay Blades ...Catchy as hell and I love guitar.
55. Something Kind Of Ooh - Girls Aloud ...I have a love affair with Euro-techno-pop.
56. Need - Hana Pestle ...it'll change your whole world. ...but don't listen unless you want to bawl your eyes out.
57. Barracuda - Heart ...I love anything by Heart. Don't diss Heart; they're great.
58. Bus Stop - The Hollies ...my number 3 favorite song. Makes me cry in the happiest of ways. I sing this like an adorable raccoon.
59. Miss Take - The HorrorPops ...bitch plays the upright bass, she's invited to my house to party any day. This song reminds me of my current events.
60. Curse - Imagine Dragons ...they JUST got signed to Interscope and are about to be huge after they play SXSW this March -- go listen now.
61. Cold in California - Ingram Hill ...a band that I have loved & known since 2004; they're country rock from Memphis and they give great fucking hugs.
62. Boy With A Coin - Iron & Wine ...How the hell do I explain them to you? They're great... they make me want to sell all my belongings and get in a car and travel the country without a cell phone as I just listen to their music.
63. Vertigo (If It's A Crime) - Islands ...I am [hopefully] finally getting to see this band perform in March and I might piss all over myself when I do. This is the greatest song in the world; 12 minutes and it goes by so fast... slide guitar. Go.
64. Sweet Baby James - James Taylor ...His voice makes me want to move to Colorado or back to Kansas... this song mentions my birthday. Can play on guitar. :)
65. 2 Many Hoes - Jay-Z ...it's fun to sing. The Blueprint 2 is my favorite... Jay-Z reminds me of driving around in my convertible Mustang when I was 18. Lord I thought I was the shit. ... (I wasn't.)
66. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley ...I am only posting this because I know there is at least ONE person out there who hasn't discovered this song yet... seriously... go... you won't be sorry.
67. Prisoner - Jeffree Star ...he's got hot pink hair and tattoos. Listen.
68. Trash Me - Jessie Malakouti ...reminds me of my life here on the internet. It's catchy and poppy and awesome.
69. She's A Genius - JET ...this song makes me want to go into a rock club and do coke with strangers.
70. Take Me Home, Country Roads - John Denver ...there's a part in the bridge that I like to harmonize to. :D
71. Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash ...Sometimes I'll just put on some Cash for a few days and turn off everything. Puts a lot in perspective.
72. California - Joni Mitchell ...when I listen to this song I feel there's nothing stopping me from getting in my car and GOING.
73. Didn't I - k.d. Lang ...she's pretty amazing live and this song is best played FUCKING LOUD.
74. Merry Happy - Kate Nash ...another Brit whom I adore... I love to sing this song in perfect rhythm and accent.
75. Settle Down - Kimbra ...currently my most played song in iTunes with 166 plays... and that's all happened within a couple weeks. I am obsessed with her.
76. Bloody Mary - Lady Gaga ...my friend told me she saw Gaga open for NKOTB during their first comeback tour... I punched her.
77. Love Me Or Hate Me - Lady Sovereign ...yet another Brit... I can and do rap each word in perfect accent... also, another theme song. :D
78. Since I've Been Loving You - Led Zeppelin ...this was my top played song on my last computer with nearly 800 plays. I listen to this when I write. Best guitar solo ever. Hands down.*
79. Take A Bow - Madonna ...another song for me to cry to. Lord, I remember when this came out.
80. Sweet Dreams - Marilyn Manson ...perfection. So fucking perfect I STILL hear it when people make me listen to the radio.
81. I Wanna Be Loved By You - Marilyn Monroe ...she's so gorgeous, even her voice is beautiful.
82. Bright Lights - Matchbox 20 ...this was my theme song before I left KC... when I saw it performed live I cried... boy, I cry a lot, eh?
83. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Meat Puppets ...COME ON!!!!!
84. Gold Guns Girls - Metric ...this song reminds me of one of my friends in a band.
85. Big Girl - Mika ...listen to Mika; everyone who I have introduced to Mika has been obsessed with him. He's adorable, he's gay, he's from Lebanon. Go.
86. Alcohol - Millionaries ...they're like The Oh Noz, but not as mean.
87. Peculiar People - Mute Math ...I saw this band open for Matchbox 20 (that time when I said I cried...) and I absolutely fell in love. Actually... what's stronger than that? I became obsessed over night.
88. Bang Bang - Nancy Sinatra ...I always wanted to do a photoshoot revolving around this song.
89. Lithium - Nirvana ...if you "know" me and don't know that I'm obsessed with Kurt and Nirvana, then you don't know me at all. Listen to everything they have. Don't waste any more of your life.
90. Faster Kill Pussycat - Paul Oakenfold ...put this song on repeat for a few days and you'll start to see glowsticks in your dreams. In a good way.
91. Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd ...to be played at my funeral. That's not creepy, right?
92. Drag - Placebo ...This song reminds me of every crush I've ever had.
93. My Leftovers - Porcelain & The Tramps ...my theme song for SO many years.
94. Such Great Heights - Postal Service ...another song that reminds me of another dude that I know in a band. Ffffffffuuuuuuu!!!
95. Exit Music - Radiohead ...did you know that I can't find any contact information for Radiohead ANYWHERE on the Internet? Frustrating. I want to shoot their band. This is such a great song.
96. I'm Shakin' - Rooney ...I have the OC to thank for introducing me to Rooney... and to many other bands (like Death Cab)...
97. Black & Gold - Sam Sparro ...My Brit friend sent me this many, many, MANY years ago... in 2007 when I went to record my album in LA it was the only thing that I listened to on the plane ride there and back... and then around 2009 I started seeing it pop up in commercials and movies. Made me feel like a hipster.
98. L.E.S. Artistes - Santigold ...another song for the repeat button.
99. Australia - The Shins ...my favorite song of all time. Ever.
100. Imma Tell - Tech N9NE ...KC rapper makes big. I used to record at the same studio as he. All the talent in the world got soaked up here.
101. Great Lakes - Telekinesis ...One of the coolest bands in the world. Listen to them and make your life happier. Seriously fantastic.
102. Classico - Tenacious D ...I want to meet Tenacious D. The Pick Of Destiny is one of the greatest movies in life.
103. The Way I Are - Timbaland ...Keri Hilson is one talented bitch and Timbaland is one of the coolest people that I've briefly encountered in person. This song kicks my ass. I want to get in Timbo's head.
104. Great DJ - The Ting Tings ...another band I was introduced to by my Brit friend before they were big in the US. Fantazzzmo!
105. Stupid - Toad The Wet Sprocket ...what does their band name mean? This is a band my mom and I share. Applies to life.
106. Pasties & A G-String - Tom Waits ...I PROMISE to one day to a burlesque routine to this. Mark these words.
107. Hollywood Chain Gang - Tony Lucca ...the only person I have ever fangirl'd to meet.
108. Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend ...there's an internet meme going around now that is about an oxford comma... "who gives a fuck about an oxford comma?" I DO.
109. Take Me On The Floor - Veronicas ...I met these girls... crazy tiny Australians. I wanted to kidnap them and make out with them at the same time. Strange feelings are strange.
110. Bitter Sweet Symphony - Verve Pipe ...don't lie... this song is amazing.
111. Ride - The Vines ...fantastic guitar, fantastic bass drum... fantastic lyrics.
112. Seizure Boy - Watsky ...just Google this motherfucker and thank me later.
114. Hash Pipe - Weezer ...listen to this song really loud in your car with the windows up... you'll get high off the guitar and Rivers' voice alone.
115. Seven Nation Army - White Stripes ...the 2nd song I learned to play on the guitar.
116. Heads Will Roll - Yeah Yeah Yeahs ...I somehow always listen to this song on the way to the venue...
117. La Grange - ZZ Top ...The Oh Noz have threatened to cover this song.
118. Chokechain - 3OH!3 ...Johnson once asked me in a bar when 3OH!3 came on and I started dancing and singing all the words, "who are these guys? Are they big?" I didn't know if they were or not... but I think he liked them. Or something.

Your Rainy Day

I'm not scared to die, I'm scared that I'll never live, 

I refuse to be trapped like you, 

I refuse to be a martyr like you, 

I refuse to be used like you, 

I refuse to be desperate like you, 

Exhale you like a giant balloon, 

You made sure that I was the one who took the bruise, 

If you can't care for me when you tell me that you love me, 

Tell me how's she going to end up getting treated? 

You make me pretend that I care enough to care, 

Care enough to ensure your debt, 

Care enough to feel regret, 

Care enough to place your bets, 

I beg,

I beg of you, 

Don't use up your life and throw it away, 

Don't use up all your good on the one who won't stay, 

Don't use up all your pennies on the one rainy day

Wishes

I have said many times over that my motto in life is "be careful what you wish for" because it has always so closely played a role in my life.

I have had a lot to think about in the silence that has filled me since October.

Now I wish for things like ways to take it all back... To change the things that I said, to pray for different outcomes from particular events.

It would change who I am now, and while I have never been (and promised to never be) a person who would ever "regret" in life, there's something to be said about hating the way that you said or did something and the outcome it provided you.

I can continue to attempt to create an image for myself that is strong, careless and carefree but in reality I am weak, insecure and my mind is ridden, rotten and filled with crippling memories (both horrible and blissful) which keep me up at night and literally knock the air out of my lungs making it impossible to breathe.

As I have stated (and as many already know), I do not sleep. It's very rare that I can find peace in slumber, and even then, I am a lucid dreamer and my dreams are vividly real, though I am aware I am dreaming. It's quite draining. Often times I will awake and feel more exhausted than when I laid down to get rest.

What's the point?

Mitch Hedberg once quipped that he wanted to sleep when he went to sleep; he didn't want to have to build a boat with his ex-landlord. I feel that way.

My mind is constantly racing; adding, subtracting, organizing, writing, adjusting, fitting, expanding, hating, loving, loathing and turning. Can't I have a few hours of submission? Is that too much to wish for?

Lately my wishes have been on things I wish I would have done when I had the chance, unfortunately nothing I can share here, but should I have just imploded my life - everything that I have spent my existence working for - what shall I have to wish for next?

Shall I wish for the impossible? Wish for what I cannot have and what is unattainable? To turn back time and have another chance? No, that would be silly and wasteful of me. There are 2 things that I am not: silly and wasteful. I am practical and despise waste.

I know that I am wasting my time with the running tracks that overdub my mind, but just as my heart beats and my lungs take air without my permission, I cannot help it or stop it and even if I wanted to, I would never know how or even where to start.