Wishes

I have said many times over that my motto in life is "be careful what you wish for" because it has always so closely played a role in my life.

I have had a lot to think about in the silence that has filled me since October.

Now I wish for things like ways to take it all back... To change the things that I said, to pray for different outcomes from particular events.

It would change who I am now, and while I have never been (and promised to never be) a person who would ever "regret" in life, there's something to be said about hating the way that you said or did something and the outcome it provided you.

I can continue to attempt to create an image for myself that is strong, careless and carefree but in reality I am weak, insecure and my mind is ridden, rotten and filled with crippling memories (both horrible and blissful) which keep me up at night and literally knock the air out of my lungs making it impossible to breathe.

As I have stated (and as many already know), I do not sleep. It's very rare that I can find peace in slumber, and even then, I am a lucid dreamer and my dreams are vividly real, though I am aware I am dreaming. It's quite draining. Often times I will awake and feel more exhausted than when I laid down to get rest.

What's the point?

Mitch Hedberg once quipped that he wanted to sleep when he went to sleep; he didn't want to have to build a boat with his ex-landlord. I feel that way.

My mind is constantly racing; adding, subtracting, organizing, writing, adjusting, fitting, expanding, hating, loving, loathing and turning. Can't I have a few hours of submission? Is that too much to wish for?

Lately my wishes have been on things I wish I would have done when I had the chance, unfortunately nothing I can share here, but should I have just imploded my life - everything that I have spent my existence working for - what shall I have to wish for next?

Shall I wish for the impossible? Wish for what I cannot have and what is unattainable? To turn back time and have another chance? No, that would be silly and wasteful of me. There are 2 things that I am not: silly and wasteful. I am practical and despise waste.

I know that I am wasting my time with the running tracks that overdub my mind, but just as my heart beats and my lungs take air without my permission, I cannot help it or stop it and even if I wanted to, I would never know how or even where to start.