Abandonment

I will keep this short; I have abandonment issues. My mother left me when I was 3, my father always has been distant... I raised myself. I did okay, but how much can an 8 year old know about anything?

People always pack up their bags and leave me. Friend and boyfriends/girlfriends leave at the drop of a hat without a word or so much as a "goodbye, I am leaving you."

I constantly have my heart walked on and tossed through a blender.

I am sure (positive of it) that I do something to cause them leaving me - possibly by walking into every friendship/relationship I have with the knowledge that they will end up leaving me in the end.

Truth is, in raising myself and spending most of my life alone, I fear that I do not know how to conduct a relationship with a human.

A few months ago I realized that however much I wanted my life to have a child in it, it would be incredibly selfish. I may consider adopting eventually.

A few weeks ago (which has then be verified from actions from this morning and this evening) I realized that I do not know how to conduct a relationship of the romantic variety between myself and another person and therefore I am going to salvage my heart and the hearts of others by choosing to remain alone for the foreseeable future.

I have never been in love. I have never enjoyed kissing anyone. I have never felt like a magnet to anyone. I don't know if I am capable of feeling those things because of my emotional abuse and abandonment as a child.

I have explained this to everyone I have been in a relationship with... They still eventually walk out of my life without a word.

I cannot handle getting abandoned any more.

I realize and am more self aware than anyone will ever truly pay attention to; I am self destructive to the tenth power, I am often misunderstood, but let me tell you, I am the most giving and loving person of the people who love me - I think once they truly realize how fucked up I am, it's too much of a responsibility for them and so they boot.

Oh well.

I always see it coming.

I can attest art to it, right?

This was longer than I intended. I wrote this for me, not you. Sometimes I need to write in order to time stamp things in my life.

At this current moment my professional life seems to be going okay... So that must mean my personal life has to fall apart, right?

I try to hold everything together with superglue as much as possible.

Thanks for reading.