Ain't No Way I'll Be Lonely...

"keep you in the dark you know they all pretend..." 

I was going to pick some random icon about love or art... but then I decided since I'm bored, I'll make a few new icons... So... then I did, and then I finished writing this blog. XD

This has thus far been the longest week of my life.

Isn't that funny how when you want something to go by quickly it takes forever and when you want something to slow down (saaaay... a week with your favorite primates...) it goes by in the blink of an eye. Heh. One of life's little mysteries, I suppose.

I am trying to scoot the week along quickly so that Friday will get here... I cannot wait to hold my new camera. :)

[Watch. Something tells me I am not going to get it until Saturday... just a feeling. I guess we'll see.]

"Downfall" by Matchbox 20 just came on my iPod... Please go listen to that song right now. It's how I feel about so much.

Monday Jennifer and I are getting together with our friend Megan. We met Megan, oh... I guess about 2 years ago at an Ingram Hill concert in Lawrence, KS. There are so many things that we have in common and then so many things that we don't... (I suppose that's true with a lot of people...) But I guess I always figured that "girls like Megan" wouldn't be friends with a "girl like me"... then again... you get someone that IS Megan and they surprise you.

Megan is the kind of girl who is cheerful, has gobs of faith in her religion, popular, beautiful and has amazing morals... you know... the opposite of me... but she clearly has a good heart and soul... she isn't an "ugly girl" that ignores the "girls like me" because I'm fat and... you know... gross... I am rarely cheerful (if you know the real me), have very little faith, but believe in so much, was never popular, only beautiful on occasion and who has very questionable morals.

I really admire Megan; she's such a good person to her core. I could really learn and earn so much for my life from her.

Anyhow... We're getting together Monday... I haven't seen her since before we went to Las Vegas for the boys in January!! (I saw her just a few days before we were leaving and I was supposed to come home and give her the details...) ...Megan is ultra supportive of me and so on Monday I am going to give her details of the past several months. :)

You know... insane fact... I see these boys and my "Monkey friends" more than I see my friends that live in Kansas City or my family for that matter. Crazy... but I love it. XD

I was thinking the other day... and I was trying to roll my mind around enough times so that I could word this without hurting anyone's feelings. Let's see if I can do that. Over the past few months I've acquired a bunch of new friends, many of whom have changed my life... some I have cut ties with once I found out their motives, some have a great facade and I haven't caught onto their intentions yet - they will hurt me and I will learn from it, and some are genuine good people who don't want to use me for where I walk or who I take photos of.

But...

There's just something to be said about the very small (when I say small - I mean SMALL...) group of friends I've had with me for the past few years. (Or ten... years, that is.)

Friends have come and gone quickly in my life over the last ten years -- I have been used and re-used, I was naive and gullible -- I was eager to be liked by all, so I let people walk on me and take advantage of me. I am not without guilt here, however. When I realized a few people using me, I used them back. I cannot say that I am proud of those things, or that I would do the same thing if given the chance to do over again. However, I am not going to lie and let you think I am pure, honest and good -- or that I have been my whole life -- I am trying much harder to be that person today. I think that's what counts. Everyone makes mistakes in their life. We are human.

Back on topic... There are a few friends... Jennifer, Kristi, Gemma, Rae, Megan & Willow (no specific order...) that have been there for me before I was "anyone"... who supported my multiple dreams... all of them wanting me to be genuinely happy -- all of them pushing me to succeed in whichever field would do that for me.

Now... although only 3 of them live in the KC area (one lives in Europe (!) and one of them lives with me...), the distance doesn't make us any lesser of friends. I see Willow more and talk to her more than any other person... (and I do believe that I even talk to her more than I do to the person I live with...)

I am not saying that any of my new friendships are less because they're new, but I am saying that I have a new found appreciation for these people that have been in my life, just waiting for my call... I guess I took them for granted and I regret that.

No one should be taken for granted; I often times feel like I am taken for granted and that I would not be missed if I were to disappear... that it wouldn't effect anyone on a deep level besides perhaps Jennifer and Willow -- the two people on this earth I talk to the most. So... to be taken for granted is a terrible thing and I feel badly that I have done that to anyone.

Now that that is over... did I hurt anyone's feelings? Did I manage to get through it smoothly? I do hope so. Please remember it was never my intention to hurt anyone in this post.

I think I'm done for today.

Picture of the day:

Jerad Anderson, 100 Monkeys, Birmingham.

Fucking love this photo... captures the hawk beautifully.

By the way, you got this photo before anyone else has even seen it. Go you!

Rock on,

Jodie