I'm Trying To Build A Wall

"My faith ain't been no friend to me, 
And the way I've sinned is hanging off of me..."

I wonder just how "emo" I could get before people either deleted me, stopped talking to me or told me to grow the fuck up... It would be interesting to see.

My heart doesn't matter. It is irrelevant in the game of life.

I do not understand people... humans... others. How are we supposed to do this? There are only a few... very small handful of people on this earth that I truly care about and I believe there are less than that who actually care for me.

You know what humans care about? THEMSELVES.

Listen, let me tell you something -- the sooner you figure this shit out, the better -- NO ONE CARES ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY. They only listen so they can wait for their turn to talk. You may *THINK* they care about you - you may *THINK* that they listen to you, but you're naive. Even in their response, they will say something back to YOU about THEMSELVES.

I actually listen to what [some] people say and give my honest response back that has nothing to do with me... Perhaps some people think it's about relation... they feel like if you know that they can relate that that will make you feel better. But you know what, that doesn't make me feel better -- that makes me feel like you're just talking about yourself... and if we're talking about you? That's fine... let's talk about you... but don't ask me how I am and have me tell you just so you can barely respond or go back to talking about you.

If you wanna talk about you, then at least fucking own up to it.

That's not even really what this is about... you know... that's not how this blog got started.

This blog is about so, so much... and yet... by the time that you're done reading it all - you will not know what it's really about. That sucks, doesn't it?

Do you cringe at memories? How about memories that you've just made up in your mind? About people that you've never met? Places that you've never been?

I think there's something wrong with me... and with that... who wants someone so fucked up? You know, I tend to like the "weird" and "strange" ones... my step mom said once that anyone can find someone "normal", but it takes talent to get a weird one... I agree with that... but, does anyone else want a weird one? And how about someone weird like me?

I really don't know anything right now.

Forgive how scattered this is. I know it must not make sense whatsoever, but I have no one else to talk to, so if you're reading this - then I'm talking to you. Thanks for listening.

I left my phone at home today. Intentionally.

I've felt like I am on the brink of tears all day long.

Pictures? Photos always make me feel better... well, depending on the subject. Sometimes the subject makes me even more sad.

Subject? Lens flares. Lens flares make me happy.

And It's Been So Long Since I've Seen The Ocean

"One more day up in the canyon, 
And it's one more night in Hollywood, 
If you think you might come to California, 
I think you should..." 

I know I should be finishing my Birmingham blog instead of starting this one... but Birmingham is proving very hard for me to write. There's so much that happened that day, there's so much that I think of when I think of Birmingham -- however, none of that will be included in the write up blog for the show. No personal stories will be shared from that day.

Sorry to disappoint.

Yesterday Jennifer had the entire day off... we were supposed to take my new camera out for a spin at the park... but then it rained... hard. Also, Megan wasn't feeling well so we had to reschedule our lil get together.

I really keep thinking I would like to do something different with my hair. I honestly don't know what. Suggestions? With pictures?

Ahh, let's face it. I have nothing to talk about today. Here's some pictures.

My bracelets.

Jennifer's bracelets.

If I haven't mentioned it here -- I'm in love with my camera.

Rock on,

Jodie

Ain't No Way I'll Be Lonely...

"keep you in the dark you know they all pretend..." 

I was going to pick some random icon about love or art... but then I decided since I'm bored, I'll make a few new icons... So... then I did, and then I finished writing this blog. XD

This has thus far been the longest week of my life.

Isn't that funny how when you want something to go by quickly it takes forever and when you want something to slow down (saaaay... a week with your favorite primates...) it goes by in the blink of an eye. Heh. One of life's little mysteries, I suppose.

I am trying to scoot the week along quickly so that Friday will get here... I cannot wait to hold my new camera. :)

[Watch. Something tells me I am not going to get it until Saturday... just a feeling. I guess we'll see.]

"Downfall" by Matchbox 20 just came on my iPod... Please go listen to that song right now. It's how I feel about so much.

Monday Jennifer and I are getting together with our friend Megan. We met Megan, oh... I guess about 2 years ago at an Ingram Hill concert in Lawrence, KS. There are so many things that we have in common and then so many things that we don't... (I suppose that's true with a lot of people...) But I guess I always figured that "girls like Megan" wouldn't be friends with a "girl like me"... then again... you get someone that IS Megan and they surprise you.

Megan is the kind of girl who is cheerful, has gobs of faith in her religion, popular, beautiful and has amazing morals... you know... the opposite of me... but she clearly has a good heart and soul... she isn't an "ugly girl" that ignores the "girls like me" because I'm fat and... you know... gross... I am rarely cheerful (if you know the real me), have very little faith, but believe in so much, was never popular, only beautiful on occasion and who has very questionable morals.

I really admire Megan; she's such a good person to her core. I could really learn and earn so much for my life from her.

Anyhow... We're getting together Monday... I haven't seen her since before we went to Las Vegas for the boys in January!! (I saw her just a few days before we were leaving and I was supposed to come home and give her the details...) ...Megan is ultra supportive of me and so on Monday I am going to give her details of the past several months. :)

You know... insane fact... I see these boys and my "Monkey friends" more than I see my friends that live in Kansas City or my family for that matter. Crazy... but I love it. XD

I was thinking the other day... and I was trying to roll my mind around enough times so that I could word this without hurting anyone's feelings. Let's see if I can do that. Over the past few months I've acquired a bunch of new friends, many of whom have changed my life... some I have cut ties with once I found out their motives, some have a great facade and I haven't caught onto their intentions yet - they will hurt me and I will learn from it, and some are genuine good people who don't want to use me for where I walk or who I take photos of.

But...

There's just something to be said about the very small (when I say small - I mean SMALL...) group of friends I've had with me for the past few years. (Or ten... years, that is.)

Friends have come and gone quickly in my life over the last ten years -- I have been used and re-used, I was naive and gullible -- I was eager to be liked by all, so I let people walk on me and take advantage of me. I am not without guilt here, however. When I realized a few people using me, I used them back. I cannot say that I am proud of those things, or that I would do the same thing if given the chance to do over again. However, I am not going to lie and let you think I am pure, honest and good -- or that I have been my whole life -- I am trying much harder to be that person today. I think that's what counts. Everyone makes mistakes in their life. We are human.

Back on topic... There are a few friends... Jennifer, Kristi, Gemma, Rae, Megan & Willow (no specific order...) that have been there for me before I was "anyone"... who supported my multiple dreams... all of them wanting me to be genuinely happy -- all of them pushing me to succeed in whichever field would do that for me.

Now... although only 3 of them live in the KC area (one lives in Europe (!) and one of them lives with me...), the distance doesn't make us any lesser of friends. I see Willow more and talk to her more than any other person... (and I do believe that I even talk to her more than I do to the person I live with...)

I am not saying that any of my new friendships are less because they're new, but I am saying that I have a new found appreciation for these people that have been in my life, just waiting for my call... I guess I took them for granted and I regret that.

No one should be taken for granted; I often times feel like I am taken for granted and that I would not be missed if I were to disappear... that it wouldn't effect anyone on a deep level besides perhaps Jennifer and Willow -- the two people on this earth I talk to the most. So... to be taken for granted is a terrible thing and I feel badly that I have done that to anyone.

Now that that is over... did I hurt anyone's feelings? Did I manage to get through it smoothly? I do hope so. Please remember it was never my intention to hurt anyone in this post.

I think I'm done for today.

Picture of the day:

Jerad Anderson, 100 Monkeys, Birmingham.

Fucking love this photo... captures the hawk beautifully.

By the way, you got this photo before anyone else has even seen it. Go you!

Rock on,

Jodie

Opportunity, Hear It's Knock

[insert the lyrics to what you're currently listening to here]

Sometimes life treats you bad... sometimes life treats you good. Sometimes you have no idea what the fuck life is all about until it's over. Life can be a little shit, a perfect angel and a facetious bastard at times. Or all the time.

For the past couple months life has both been good to me and been a facetious little bastardy shit. I love irony as much as the next person, truly, I do... but there are some times when I have to say, "alright... ha ha... enough is enough."

Also, as you may know by now, my mantra is - BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.

I managed to get my camera without having to sell my guitar... something I would call a definite win. Jennifer bought me that guitar for my 25th birthday (which I just had in December...) and she was a little (err... a lot...) pissed off that I was going to sell it... but alas... I needed a DSLR.

Now that that has happened, before I can even get the camera into my hot little hands (Friday) - I've started lining up new projects and plans. This year... suffice it to say... will be the busiest, and is already, the best year of my life.

I can't discuss any of the projects I've got my hands in right now, but I am so beyond thrilled to be involved in them... so honored to get a chance to work with the people associated with them. Insane.

A year ago... well... let me go back into my blog a year and see where I was, shall we? I was in Twitter drama... I was living in a hotel... I was completely unhappy with my life and only wanting/looking forward to one thing... which... if you knew/know me... it does not need to be said aloud.

Hah.

Oh lord... see, this is where that "be careful what you wish for" shit comes into play.

Swiftly moving on.

Me in May 2008:

Me in May 2009:

And, this would be where I would post a photo of myself from 2010, however... the only photos that have been taken of me in 2010 are on my mothers computer... but... you know... haven't changed much from April... LOL Here's April 2010:

With Jake Miller of The Kissing Club.

You know... I have changed so much... changed so much in the last year... in the past two years. I used to take an obscene amount of photos of myself, trying to stay the person I was when I was 8 years old... and now, I really am not in a lot of photos... Interesting. I still love to take photos with my friends - (such as this photo of Jake or the photo of me with Jay, Ben and Larry...) but other than those couple photos, the week that I was out with the boys, Willow, Jessie and Jennifer - there are maybe three other photos of me.

Insane.

You know... I started this blog with a specific purpose...

When an opportunity knocks on your door, you must answer. However... it seems that too many opportunities have knocked and now I have to start turning some down. :( This saddens me, but at the same time - I must keep my artistic integrity intact.

I am so excited to see where the next few months will take me... (Oh the places you will go!) and I am even more excited to share this journey with y'all.

Rock on,

Jodie

Happy Birthday, Johnson! @100MonkeysMusic

So, today is your birthday. Badass. I've always admired spring birthdays... mine is in the winter. Chilly.

Anyhow... it's too bad that I didn't get to actually say happy birthday to you in person, but this is definitely the next best thing - because while my voice fades instantly after the words leave my mouth - this blog right herrrree, is permanent and you can have birthday wishes any time that you wish!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

In celebration of your day, I would like to share with you 5 of my favorite photos of you. (Taken by yours truly, of course...) You, my friend, are the most requested person that "fans" tell me to take pictures of... (Go you!) I reckon that's because you're so damn hard to get a good photo of, just because while the drums are your awesomeness, they are quite hidden most of the time... but I think that makes you like a ninja... And ninjas are cool.

That last photo, right there? I adore. I just thought that you should know that. I think you look like a badass.

Hope your day is awesome and I hope that this birthday post wasn't too ultra creepy. You know I heart you.

*birthday hugs*

Stay awesome!

Jodie

Semi-Enchanted; Definitely Entertained

No photos today, even though I am on a computer, I am blogging from my mothers...

I definitely don't think she has an entire folder of icons, although she does have some pretty amazing photos that could be worthy of "picture of the day"... however, none of them are watermarked and I don't want grubby hands all over my mothers amazing photography.

This feels so weird to be blogging from a desktop... the keys are strange. Ever find that? Laptop users... do you ever feel weird when you get back to a desktop? I haven't had a desktop since 2007... Also, since I primarily use my iPhone (no internet at home... no need, I'm never fucking there!) I think it's often times strange to go from pounding out emails on my iPhone to being on my laptop.

What a strange rant: this was not my intention. I just started typing.

Yesterday was a nice day. My Mama and I put our collective photography minds together in order to do new headshots for Pam, my Mama's wife. She needed a good shot for her psychology webpage and I ended up taking the final choice! Win! Also, to lighten the mood I took some photos of my Mama and Pam together and I got about three absolutely stunning, mind-blowing, incredible shots of precious moments. They were floored and in their very long relationship (apologies, I don't remember how many years...) they had never had shots done... (that's what you get when you ARE the photographer... you never see photos of yourself!) So, they are so happy happy, joy joy that they finally have a photo together of them as a couple!!!




Then after the shoot Pam broke out her guitar and jammed a little bit for us and I did what I do best -- music shots. :D I got some crazy good ones of her just jamming away.

My Mama said that she loved my shots and that I have a great eye -- coming from her, my mother and the most talented and SERIOUS photographer that I know (whose work I have admired for 17 years!) -- that is the biggest compliment, the heaviest compliment on the planet... the fact that she chose MY shots over her own from yesterday? My mind can't even comprehend that.

Photography really is special to me. So special in fact that while I knew in the back of my mind that I would give up being a musician myself in order to photograph others enjoying music (a la 100 Monkeys...) it came to a serious pivotal moment yesterday when I offered up to sell my beloved Fender that I received for my birthday.

For so long I ached to have that guitar... for so long I have been trying to make something of myself musically... but photography... perhaps my passion lies deeper in listening and being surrounded by music than it does to making it at the moment. I'll never stop singing along. Pam played Landslide and then Joking by the Indigo Girls yesterday and her and my Mama fawned over "how great" my voice was... I've been hearing that my whole life, but it never... will never get old.

The photography thing? People telling me I am good? People still telling me I am good in comparison to photographers like my mother? That's a new kind of high I never thought I would reach. I always loved photography, always appreciated it... loved to practice it... modeled so many times when I was a child -- which I loved -- but I never dreamed I would have this kind of raw love for it... this kind of passion, this kind of drive for it... so much drive for photography that I sold my very first Fender.

Life. Love. Art. They are all about sacrifices. Sacrificing something for the greater good of art makes me feel.