"You can't turn back because this road is all you'll ever have..."
I refuse to count how many days it's been since tour ended. I don't think it would help me to know. Fortunately, I've been keeping myself very busy booking massive photoshoots (WIN!) and trying to get prints and proofs sent off to those who had photoshoots with me on tour, have ordered or won prints. Busy, busy.
It's only January and I'm already crunching about summer. That's all I can say about that.
Netflix did the worst possible thing to me: they uploaded ALL of Desperate Housewives on watch instantly. Bastards.
There's so much to do and not enough credit or cash to do it all. I assume this is a problem for most people in America. As you may (or may not) know, The Rockvan just did it's last tour. We must buy a new car (by car I mean something big enough to tour in...) before we hit the road with the boys again. Also, I need a new camera... also, I need to get my weight in check before touring again... also... also... also... the list will never end and can only grow. There's never going to be enough time, money or space to fit everything in. Plus, I'm not a very organized person.
So... then there's that.
I got my photo taken recently. I haven't modeled since 2007 and I forgot my biggest flaw about me being in front of the camera: I always forget to breathe.
I do think that part of what makes me a decent photographer is that I have worked as a model, therefore, I know what it's like to have that lens in your face snapping up your soul and all of your flaws. Now, I'll remember to tell my models to breathe.
I've been characteristically depressed for the past few days. I don't expect anyone to understand and I am not saying that no one out there understands. But, to each person I have told that I am depressed they answered back with the worst response ever; "why?"
Why?
Why?
Why? Because I have a chemical imbalance, that's why. Why? Because I left my heart in San Antonio. Why? Because I have three men in my life when all I want is the one. Why? Because that's more complicated than anyone will ever realize. Why? Because. I. Am.
Instead of asking me why... instead of assuming because I am successful that that should equal happiness... instead of judging me... how about if I open myself up to you, you simply say, "I am listening."
Photo of the Day:
Jay with Bella. ATL. December 26. He adores her. I adore that about him. :)
8 comments:
I get the why shit too! I have imbalance as well, been very bad lately
I do understand...*hands you Zoloft and liquor*
And...I'd tap that *taptaptap*
Bella loves people who are equal in her evilness! Therefore: My dad...and Jackson.
Love you, lady.
Corny or not...this has some inspiring words in it (the clicky link down at the end). It's long. And I know how you feel about the douche bags that fill our lives (you know the people we love one moment, and two seconds later we are thinking - do you even know who the hell I am at all!). When we are feeling down, WAY down, why do they even need to ask why! Shouldn't they have some idea!? Anywho...
click here
-CL
Listening is hard for a lot of people. Not everyone is a keen enough observer to know that sometimes people need to talk things out to get to the "why" in the first place. You do have people in your life who are more than willing to listen. And as for having more than one person in your life that you're interested in and are interested in you? Well... there are far worse problems to have.
I hate the reply of "why". I've had a similar bout of depression and when asked why, I have no answer. I just feel lost and alone and on the outside and I don't even know 'why'. Then, when I try to articulate my reasons, I'm countered with, "Why?" again, and then, the even worse, "Just get over it then." People can't see the other side, and the natural response is to say, "Everything is great, you're fine, get over it." But honestly, as I'm sure you know, that's the worst response in the world. This is why, by the way http://sheismadeofgold.wordpress.com/2011/01/15/lost/ (You really don't have to read that, lol)
...but do I have many people in my life that I would trust to listen to me? Do I have many people in my life who will ask? No.
I do not doubt that I have people out there who care for me and will listen to me. But not everything is as simple as it seems...
Which brings me to the thing about the men... I am only interested in one of them... like I said, not everything is as simple as it seems.
I do thank you for taking the time to read my blog and for providing me with feedback. See, you listened. Thank you for that. :)
Things are always far more simple than we think they are. We let our own ego cloud things and make them more complex than they should be. You have support and love, Jodie. Don't ever doubt that. No matter how far you go, you've got that. Just because people ask the question wrong doesn't mean that they don't want to know the answer. There's never any need to thank me for listening. It's what I do.
"Just because people ask the question wrong doesn't mean that they don't want to know the answer."
THAT. That right there. That touched me.
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