Still Lost

"Oh shame on myself; I don't know how I got so tangled up..."




I guess I'm sort of forcing this blog, to be honest. I'm insanely bored. It's 909a and I've been up since 530a. Why? Lord knows, but I just know that the sun was not up at that hour. I'm going to need coffee later. Yes.

I must endure the post office today. I am dreading...

I've been to the Galleria mall here in Houston twice now (going for the third time today... I believe Jennifer has secured a job or two at the mall...) and MAN. That's an intimidating place! Versace, Louis Vuitton, Jimmy Choo, Valentino... this list goes on and on... and then there's the department stores. Neiman Marcus, Macy's, Saks and Nordstom... Jesus. (There's also a Dillard's, but really, who is going to count that?)

This place is ridiculous. Seriously. Ridic.

I finally "got around" to buying the Wandering Mind single from 100 Monkeys... I absolutely love this song live so much... so much so that I don't think I much care for the mp3. That's unfortunate. It still won't stop me from blasting it all the way down Westheimer today. :)

I had so much that I wanted to say and it's just not happening... So... nevermind.

Title Me

"I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes 

Are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned..."




I have been thinking far too much lately. It all revolves around the same thoughts, they're just meshed and married together in a very incestuous way that at times makes me shiver and shake...

Of course then there's the times that I actually have a good positive thought or two. Mostly, I suppose those are just the memories that flood me from time to time.

I've been meticulously watching the price on the new camera that I want... shopping around from place to place and basically stalking it. That's actually perhaps my favorite part about buying a new camera -- stalking it.

I've been thinking about all the new art that I want to create. I need to find models. *ponders where the fuck I should find models*

We're going to Baton Rouge for Jenn's birthday... it's actually quite a coincidence that we're going to see a few boys while we're out there. I'm quite pleased for that, of course. There are hugs that must be given.

I have a premonition about my death today. (Hello worst segway ever.) It was... interesting... I believe I avoided the death, however. Phew...

Picture of zee day:

I found this on a photo blog and the artist was uncredited... but, I want to say that this photo absolutely captured me... from behind the leaves it looks as though you're peeking in on this lovers tryst. I love it... and I so want to do that in a park. ;)

xx

Trash Me

...everything is disposable... but, not people. 

For those of you who know me or actually read my blog, you know that I am a far more sensitive person than people will ever see or realize.

There's a giant gap of miscommunication here and no matter what I say (or don't say) it will never be cleared up. People make their opinions and they stand by them. So, while it's hard for me to realize that I am now a "public figure" and people are going to talk, gossip and make up shit about me... it's hard for others to realize that just because I am a "public figure" now that doesn't mean that I stopped being a human.

I do not regret. I wished and it came true. Be careful what you wish for.

For those who do support me and my photography; my art; my career - to you I will hold a place deep inside my heart for the rest of my life. You are far more appreciated than you will ever realize and I truly do love you. Thank you.

I have surrounded myself with good people that I can rely on for words or wisdom and support. These people mean everything to me and they keep me happy, focused and alive (in every sense of the word).

I didn't write this, but it's something that has touched me for a very long time. It was written by model Gia and I've always been drawn to it for no specific reason, now I see just how true it rings for my life.

Life and death, energy and peace...

If I stopped today, it was still worth it. 

Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could...

The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul... it was worth it. 

For having been allowed to walk where I've walked... 

Which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above... 

Picture of the day:

You're One Of Us

"All that I need is the air that I breathe, 

And all that I need are things I don't need, 

And all that really matters is what matters to me..."



Lyrics of the day by Blind Melon and could not be more true. Think about that for a while. Put it in your juice box and suck it.

This is a blog that I've been meaning to write since the very beginning of the year... and since I do not have my cheat sheet piece of paper, I hope that I can remember it all.

I documented each place that I traveled in 2010 and was pretty astounded. I believe there was only one month out of the year that I didn't travel: May. And you know what? Fuck May.

January: Tulsa, Las Vegas.
February: LA.
March: Des Moines, STL, Louisville.
April: Nashville, Birmingham, Memphis, Little Rock, Dallas.
June: Seattle.
July: LA, Scottsdale, Las Vegas, San Diego, San Francisco.
August: Detroit.
October: Baton Rouge.
November: Baton Rouge (Several times.)
December: Baton Rouge, Atlanta, Birmingham, New Orleans, Houston, Dallas, Austin...

(And then of course at the beginning of my 2011 tally for cities traveled is Mission and San Antonio...)

Looks like I also didn't go anywhere in September, which makes sense because that's when I moved from Kansas City.

I definitely love to travel. I honestly wouldn't trade this life for anything in the whole wide world. No amount of money... no amount of bribery... there's honestly only one thing that will ever get me to stop and I will never say it out loud.

Picture of the day:

The Camera's Lying

"You can't turn back because this road is all you'll ever have..."




I refuse to count how many days it's been since tour ended. I don't think it would help me to know. Fortunately, I've been keeping myself very busy booking massive photoshoots (WIN!) and trying to get prints and proofs sent off to those who had photoshoots with me on tour, have ordered or won prints. Busy, busy.

It's only January and I'm already crunching about summer. That's all I can say about that.

Netflix did the worst possible thing to me: they uploaded ALL of Desperate Housewives on watch instantly. Bastards.

There's so much to do and not enough credit or cash to do it all. I assume this is a problem for most people in America. As you may (or may not) know, The Rockvan just did it's last tour. We must buy a new car (by car I mean something big enough to tour in...) before we hit the road with the boys again. Also, I need a new camera... also, I need to get my weight in check before touring again... also... also... also... the list will never end and can only grow. There's never going to be enough time, money or space to fit everything in. Plus, I'm not a very organized person.

So... then there's that.

I got my photo taken recently. I haven't modeled since 2007 and I forgot my biggest flaw about me being in front of the camera: I always forget to breathe.

I do think that part of what makes me a decent photographer is that I have worked as a model, therefore, I know what it's like to have that lens in your face snapping up your soul and all of your flaws. Now, I'll remember to tell my models to breathe.

I've been characteristically depressed for the past few days. I don't expect anyone to understand and I am not saying that no one out there understands. But, to each person I have told that I am depressed they answered back with the worst response ever; "why?"

Why?

Why?

Why? Because I have a chemical imbalance, that's why. Why? Because I left my heart in San Antonio. Why? Because I have three men in my life when all I want is the one. Why? Because that's more complicated than anyone will ever realize. Why? Because. I. Am.

Instead of asking me why... instead of assuming because I am successful that that should equal happiness... instead of judging me... how about if I open myself up to you, you simply say, "I am listening."

Photo of the Day:

Jay with Bella. ATL. December 26. He adores her. I adore that about him. :)

Another One Bites The Dust

"As we're driving out of Austin, I can still smell your perfume, 

I contemplate turning around every inch or two, 

My vision's kind of hazy, I don't look well at all, 

I don't believe I've ever felt so small, 

You come over to say hello in the brightest of the lights, 

I'm so impressed; you look your best, without an ounce of trying, 

I make light of a picture, and you're leaving with your friends 

And I've no doubt I'll never see you again, 

You may deceive me, but you made me try to make believe in

That there's something more we can't ignore but nothing we can do..."

Thank you so much to all of the incredible people that I met along the way this tour. It was by far the best one that I have been to yet. Unfortunately it passed all too fast and it kicked my ass harder than any of the other tours that I've been on.

We all started to get sick about half way through the tour and waking up the morning after New Years Eve was hard. However, for all the fun that I had on New Years Eve it was more than worth it. ;)

Here's a few photos from the week -- I am only edited up until NOLA...

ATLANTA:

 BIRMINGHAM:

NEW ORLEANS:

DALLAS:

AUSTIN:

Mission... I got some great photos from Mission... none of which are edited yet.

SAN ANTONIO:

I will post the rest of the photos once I've got them edited. ;)

At the end of the week -- if you look at the ATL meet and greet at the beginning of the week and the San Antonio meet and greet at the end of the week photo -- I lost 15lbs over the course of the tour.

I told my Mama all about the week and she says I need a new camera. I'm with what she says so now I'm camera shopping. :) I've got it narrowed down to three... of course, I don't think I can afford the one that I want -- the Canon 5D. *drools*

I am now taking donations for a new camera. Hah! *Kidding*

I am so thankful for everyone that I met along the road this tour. Thank you for supporting the boys, thank you for buying their concert tickets and tee shirts, thank you for screaming your asses off.

To the boys: I love each and every one of you. Thank you for all you've done for me. Your friendship, hugs, songs, lighter pops and blows, photos and high fives are so precious to me and I appreciate each one.

Until next time.

xx