There's Only One November

20 days until my birthday...

It feels the same as it does every year that I count down to my birthday... I love it. The countdown is half the fun.

I'm not exactly sure what I'll be doing for my birthday. A few friends mentioned wanting to come to the city I'll be in and hang out/do birthday stuff. This would please me tremendously if they could work it out.

I can hope for it! *tries to think positive*

Big things happening... some I'll talk about - some I won't. (That's natural, right?)

I should be starting work on my very first solo album here in December. That... THAT pleases me more than almost anything. I need to get back to working on The Oh Noz! album, but now that Micky and I will be in different states again... well, oh well... ;) It'll just mean that I'll have to come back to Alabama to visit.

With the solo record... I can't even begin to explain to you how excited I am to finally start work on this. This, I feel, is my life's culmination. I've had so many "almosts" in my life.

I first started working with a producer and recording when I was 16... when I was 21 I was signed to a record label... 22 I was flown out to LA to spend a week recording a few songs with a hit producer... things crashed and burned from there (that's the short version of the story).

Then photography started being my main art... The Oh Noz! were created and all my energy has been put into that. I just haven't really thought too much about a solo EP/LP in quite a while...

Now that I have this opportunity - I'm grasping it and accepting it with both hands and I can't wait to share it with y'all.

...It almost seems a little ridiculous that it would take this long for me to get a solo album out. *scoffs*

Swiftly moving on and speaking of The Oh Noz!

Here's the latest Oh Noz! video to my favorite song off the ohmygod album, "Keep Your Mouth Shut (Famous)".



What does a photographer do when they need a photographer?

That's a hard thing.

Back when I was... *clears throat* ...engaged... to be engaged -- I had given a lot of thought into who I wanted to photograph my wedding. I narrowed it down to about 4 photographers that would depend on where exactly we were getting married... of course, my relationship ended, but here I am again in need of finding a photographer.

It's just something that is so incredibly hard to do.

If I had my pick on who I'd want to take my photo - I'd pick my friend/photographer Serenity. But, she lives hours and hours and hours away from where I'll be staying for the next few moons and so unfortunately, I don't think she'll be able to take my portrait for this project that I'm working on... which leaves me with finding someone commercially.

Le sigh.

I had an idea for a blog entry today and I couldn't remember it... just as I was typing that last paragraph I remembered what my topic was going to be... but now I feel that it's too late... yet here I am still sharing that information with y'all regardless. xD

I am a little more than excited to get back to a resting place for a hot second. I've been living out of the same suitcase since tour/July... I tend to mention that a lot... part of it is because I'm proud of that fact and the other part of it is that I'm still in complete disbelief that I have done that!

I'm looking forward to a bit of consistency in my everyday life... also, I'm looking forward to exploring... I'm going to try to go out more and meet new people... network some and meet new friends.

I have been feeling a little lost from the friends that I have/had. I won't share all my opinions on that openly in a public forum such as this, but I've had to draw back from a few people over the past few months because I was feeling under appreciated.

I don't really like to keep people around for the "what if"... "Oh, what if I need something from them someday...?" My mind doesn't work like that. If people don't talk to me, I don't feel the want/need to keep them around or to make space for them. I suppose I'd rather spend time focusing on people who make me a priority in their life.

It hurts me, though... because a lot of the times it seems like people never really notice or care when I disappear from their lives. It's not like I did it purposely in order to gain attention -- that's not it at all -- it's that I'm trying to keep my walls straight. My walls are there not only to keep people out, but to keep the people that I love in... when you pull back from me and you put some of those walls between us... well... I suppose that's all I need to say about that.

I am grateful for the people that I do have who love me and treat me well. I have 2 unconditional best friends/sisters when I thought that I was just lucky enough to have one... so I know that I must have done something right...

However, I can't help but think about those other people... I still consider them my friends - I'd still pick up the phone and talk to them if they called me -- I still hug them hello when I see them... I just... sometimes it's nice to feel important and wanted. I'm sure that's something that everyone can understand and appreciate.

I know that friendship comes in all kinds of different forms. Perhaps this is just the way that we are friends. I can live with that. :)

Let's end on a high note, shall we?

Have you got your Christmas list planned out? Why not run it by Santa himself?

http://www.santabot.com/ is a site where you can chat with Santa... I feel he's more realistic that its predacessor, Cleverbot. (http://www.cleverbot.com/)

Cleverbot just doesn't "get" me like Santa does.

Here's some new/up-to-date photos of me... these were spawned of boredom and too much time on my hands.

The editing that I did on them reminds me of the shots of the SNL host before they get back from the commercial break. xD That tickles me... (and it was unintentional)

A Distraction

Yesterday was one of the worst days that I have had to face in a while... I wrote a blog about it all last night, but as I came closer to bed and the early pressing hours, I realized that it was not something that I should post on a public venue.

I received a lot of love on my Facebook page when I stated that I was upset because I was finally saying aloud what I had known for most of my life: I have no family. I raised myself... this is why I travel, this is why I cry... this is why I perpetually search.

This came about full circle when my plans for moving back to Kansas City went up in flames.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

No one is listening anyway.

Here's some photos that made me happy yesterday when I was depressed.

And for those who made it through all of that... yes, I'm still depressed... no, not all of my problems have been able to be solved. Yes, it's more complicated than I can express.

Tonight I'm going to a Halloween party. I plan on enjoying chemicals and alcohol fully whilst I dance around in a slutty outfit and hit on strangers... ROLL TIDE!!! I love Alabama! :)

A Long Deserved Ketchup

The past four weeks I have been on the road.

I saw and went through so many things on this tour. I attended literally half of this tour, which in just half of those dates, that's still longer than any other tour that they or I have ever done before... so I can't imagine them working each day in and day out double what I have done.

I am so very proud of them. My heart is completely full.

So much has happened... so much changed (for the better and the worse) on this tour... but I wouldn't have changed any of it. It panned out perfectly in the end.

I caught the first two shows of the tour back in June up in Cincinnati and Indianapolis. My photos from the Indianapolis shows are now present as the 100 Monkeys photo on their official Wikipedia page and on Jackson's official Wikipedia page. *pause for insanity* ...that's insane, right?

From there I went back to Houston and enjoyed my final time with Liz, whom I had been staying with since the beginning of the year. When I picked up the tour again, I wouldn't be coming back.

Mid-July I went down to Florida to pick up the tour again... Tampa, Orlando, Ft. Lauderdale with a friend - then I met Jennifer up again in Birmingham, New Orleans (where I got Bourbon faced on Shit street... never again... ugh.), Houston, Dallas (where I left the Roaddog with my step mom, who still has her...), Austin (where it was 1000 degrees in the shade...), Tulsa, St. Louis, Kansas City...

I paused in Kansas City and missed the next three shows (from what I heard I didn't miss a whole lot...) so I could spend some time with my Mama... from KC I caught the next ones in Seattle, Spokane, Portland (best run yet), San Francisco (which I attended entirely alone), LA (I had a day off here that I spent alone, as well. It was interesting... this is also where Jennifer re-joined the tour), Las Vegas (another 1000 degree day in the shade...), Anaheim and then we all ended the tour in San Diego.

Of course there were snags here and there - that happens with life and of course that's going to happen when you're traveling and when you're working... but for the most part it was a very positive experience. I don't hold any bad memories with anything. (Except for perhaps NOLA... which was my own damn fault...)

I met some amazing people out this time! So many wonderful people brought me little tokens and things, which was completely amazing and so appreciated! I got several memory cards from people, Golden Flake chips, balloon animals and a DVD, a Best Buy gift card, some people bought me drinks and I got an obscene amount of HUGS!!!! <3 I am so grateful for each of you that took the time to come and say hello, talk to me and give me hugs and smiles. Y'all made it so amazing.

Unfortunately I don't have photos ready to offer up to y'all. I have a few... but I managed to fill up each of my memory cards AND my computer while on the road... so I can't do much until I can afford an external hard drive here in a couple weeks or so. (I'm putting that Best Buy gift card towards it!)

The Florida shows were pretty awesome... I have some great memories from Orlando and I finally got to see that ocean in person. I never had before...

Birmingham is always a good time - that's where a fan brought me an obscene amount of Golden Flake chips and a tour survival kit! <3 ...I have been to the past two shows that 100 Monkeys played at the Workplay theatre and so there was no way that I was going to miss them there this time around. It was so much fun...

I was so happy to get back to Kansas City. I know that I said I was so anxious to leave that town - but after being gone from it for a YEAR I was so happy to see my mother and those streets again. I introduced my mama to the band and she shot the show from the front row with me...

Check out my Mama's photos of 100 Monkeys here! She really enjoyed the show and the guys!

The Pacific Northwest was amazing. I caught up with my friend Kenzie there who lives in Portland and she was so hospitable!! <3 We had a blast in Seattle... it was the first time that I actually explored a city on my day off. We went to the first Starbucks, Pike's Market, the Space Needle and Viretta (Kurt Cobain) park.

For anyone who knows me a tad, knows that I love Nirvana and Kurt Cobain... it was completely emotional and wonderful. I was so moved by it and I felt entirely blessed that I was able to experience it.

The end of the tour was insane... I didn't cry as much as I had imagined, so many laughs were had and a multitude of memories were made. I'll never forget this...

Something that I have taken away from each show/most memorable about the city:

Cincinnati: "You shut up."
Indianapolis: Telling so many people about Spencer Bell.
Tampa: Seeing Bleeding Horse Express for the first time.
Orlando: The tallest stage I have ever encountered.
Ft. Lauderdale: Partying with Cassandra.
Birmingham: "You dance!"
NOLA: "It's so hot..."
Houston: Handcuffs. :)
Dallas: Getting the best email of my life.
Austin: Chain smoking in 110 degree weather.
Tulsa: You see... what had happened was...
St. Louis: Homeless people with records; 40 oz beers; spinning
Kansas City: Introducing my mama to the band!
Seattle: Seeing Kurt Cobain park. <3
Spokane: Being the only one in the photo pit. (That also happened in NOLA & Texas.)
Portland: Dancing harder than I ever have before at a 100 Monkeys show!!
San Francisco: Conversations about death and pants.
LA: BALLOONS!
Las Vegas: Watching the boys zipline across Fremont.
Anaheim: Some people have your back and some want to stab it.
San Diego: Thoroughly getting to say goodbye. <3

Where did I leave that Delorean? I'm ready to do it all over again.

The Inside/Shit You Never Knew

It's sometimes hard to see a person as a person until you know a part of them. I was thinking about a few things and I decided I will share a part of me in hopes of you getting a better a grasp on me... who I am... why I do things... how I feel...

We'll call this Things Most People Don't Know About Jodie Platz (original title, eh?)

I had baby blue eyes until I was 14 when they turned deep green.

I have had my heart broken, but I have never been in love.

I've been in an abusive relationship.

I have a birthmark on my right arm.

I have 7 tattoos, one of which is a coverup.

When I like a song I will listen to it on repeat until I hate it. (Usually about a week or so...)

I rarely listen to 100 Monkeys except when I'm on a plane or about 2 days before I get to see them after a long "drought" period... or you know... at a concert.

I'm fully ambidextrous.

When I was in middle school I wanted to be a choreographer or a dance instructor.

Most of the bands that I listen to I know nothing about. (Death Cab, Telekinesis!, The Shins, etc...)

I have a scar on my inner thigh from 2nd degree burns.

I played the trumpet in band.

I was bitten by the dog that I owned as a child.

I had a pet cow when I was 5 and I "worked" on a farm from ages 4-6.

I went to the same high school as David Cook (he was a year ahead of me and I didn't know him well).

I like to "invent" meals... I'm a pretty good cook and I love to share that with people.

I speak to and see 100 Monkeys more than I do to either of my parents...

The longest I've ever gone without eating was 10 days.

I planned the prom my junior year and dropped out of school before I was able to experience it.

I have been arrested.

Painting used to be my favorite medium of art.

I didn't talk to my grandparents for five years. I have since rekindled the relationship fearing I will regret it when they die.

The biggest crowd I've ever performed in front of was 18,000. For dancing. 2002.

I once blew $3000 in one week. This isn't one of the things I'm most proud of.

I have terrible knees from a car accident I was in... This hinders a lot in my photography. While it doesn't keep me from getting the shot, it does make the shot very painful.

I had bleeding ulcers from stress at age 12; what 12 year old does that?!

My first memory is from when I was 24 days old.

I'd prefer to develop my photos in a darkroom than to edit them on Photoshop. I learned how to use a darkroom when my mother was in photography school around the age of 10 or so.

I have been physically assaulted by a man more than once.

I have a terrible association with Ford Mustangs and chances are if you're driving one, I'm probably screaming at you from my car. It's nothing personal against you and your choices of vehicle.

I hate giving gift cards because I feel like they're impersonal... however, I love getting gift cards.

I don't know if that did anything to make anyone know me any more or less or if any of it was even relevant towards anything... but hey... I enjoy sharing random things and things about myself. Even if I share all the details of my life, I still feel like people will probably never know me. You can't know someone based off facts alone. These facts are not what make up me and my heart... so kudos to those who try to learn me and my heart...

I will happily answer questions in the comments section about any of the things that I have posted about.

xojo

Photo Journalism

They say "every picture tells a story" and that a "picture's worth a thousand words"... while I agree with each of those sentiments, there's been something that has been irking me for a while now that I'm finally ready to speak about.

I kept it to myself for fear of getting lynched by other photographers or photo journalists... however, as a compassionate human it's something that I'd like to discuss and hear your thoughts on.

I do believe that photographers and photo journalists are cut from the same cloth - telling a story via visual photographic art - but while the photo journalist focuses more on the raw and unadulterated emotion, a photographer such as myself aches to capture light, beauty, emotion - yes, and just like a photo journalist: moments.

The difference is that in the following situations of photos I would have put down my camera. Even as a photographer I believe there's a time and a place for everything. For instance, as the official photographer for last year's Spencer Bell Legacy concert, there were many moments that my eyes captured that my camera didn't.

Pressing forward...

This photo is from the Battle of Gettysburg and while even though there's death in this photo - it doesn't bother me as much as some of the others taken as recently as the ones in Iraq where there were photo journalists in pits with soldiers while they're getting bombed and shot at. Perhaps it's just me, but I would have felt out of place and in the way.

I understand the world wants to see what's going on and these photographers earn Pulitzer prizes for their photographs... but...

From the Vietnam war... this photographer won a Pulitzer for this shot... and then later apologized to this man's family for the irreparable damage that this shot did to his family. This was taken moments before this man was shot.

I could not fathom having my camera out at a moment like this, let alone having it pressed to my face and finger on the shutter.

And the shot that prompted this blog...

Photographer Kevin Carter took this photo of a patient vulture stalking a starving child in Africa. He won a Pulitzer for this shot... after which he was ridiculed for not helping the child and instead spending 20 minutes setting up the shot... Three months after taking the photo he committed suicide.

My heart is too big. I would rather give up my camera for eternity than to watch something like this - let alone document it for others to be subjected to... for it to be preserved for all time... It's horrific.

I know that concert photography is something different from photo journalism... as I stated in the beginning of this blog. Even on stage I use my better judgement on when to snap and when to stop. I've been asked once to put my camera away by an artist and I did so as soon as I was prompted.

Courtesy.

Ethics.

Art doesn't have to cross all lines of humanity.

While the world may or may not be better because of your shots... there are some things that aren't worth a Pulitzer.

Tell me your thoughts.

Additional photo credits: Timothy H. O’Sullivan – Battle of Gettysburg; Eddie Adams – Nguyễn Ngọc Loan executing Nguyễn Văn Lém.

The Rules Of Life According To Jodie Platz

1. Never be ashamed of your music collection or what you like to listen to.

2. Buy the pants that fit you TODAY. Not the ones that will or won't fit you in ten days.

3. Travel now because you can... don't make excuses.

4. Have the career you want - not the job that you need.

5. Never stop dreaming, wishing or hoping for your life to be better than it is now. Never give up on yourself that YOU can be better than you are right now.

6. Never stop learning. You're never finished and even though you're the best at what you do today, someone will be better than you tomorrow. (This applies to EVERYTHING.)

7. Open doors for strangers. Also, smile at strangers. Once in a while, pay a toll or a coffee for a stranger. It's amazing feeling to give and also to get.

8. Give your heart away. You don't need it... someday someone will give you theirs.

9. Do what makes you happy today... it could all disappear tomorrow.

10. Tell the people that you love that you love them today... they could disappear tomorrow, too.

11. Don't use people, but also, don't be afraid to ask for someone's help if they have something special to offer.

12. Listen to your music loudly. Yes, you may eventually lose your hearing, but do you want to die deaf or do you want to die wishing you listened to "Sabotage" by Beastie Boys as loud as it would go...? Exactly.

13. Never stop thinking; question everything. Learn from those around you. Let others learn from you. Speak up.

14. Be original. There's a reason people say "dare to be different"... because everyone is afraid of doing something out of line from the "normal". Go against the grain.

15. No one is normal; only the crazies will survive. The people who think "weird" are the ones who create art, run this country and make a dent in the universe. Be known.

16. Everyone must constantly prove themselves to the world. Unfortunately. Yes, this includes you.

17. Make art. You don't have to be an artist to express yourself on a canvas, through a lens or on a guitar.

18. Jealousy will not get you anywhere. We are all jealous of someone or something for some reason... but you need to learn to get past the act and be happy for people for what it is that they have that you want. Chances are they worked really hard to obtain it. Show them you are a bigger person and can applaud them for their successes and not that you're bitter.

19. You get what you give. The world works in a karma system for the majority of life and all of it's lessons... if you're bad - bad things will happen... if you're good - good things will happen. Be good to people. It's much better than the alternative.

20. Every day changes your life. What may be today will not be tomorrow. If you don't like the path that you're heading down - CHANGE it.

21. Don't eat cheap BBQ, drink cheap whiskey, wear cheap mascara or buy cheap memory cards.

22. Never let anyone tell you that you don't have the right to use the bathroom.

23. Never have a breakdown in public. Excuse yourself... people will think higher of you and less of you if you don't.

24. Be honest, but not to a fault. Sometimes people's feelings should be spared, otherwise you're just being cruel.

25. Don't force your religious views on others. Your religion should be private and something just for yourself.

26. Treat people as you would like to be treated. Also, remember that we all were born the same, we all have the same obstacles in life to overcome, we all bleed when stabbed, we all cry when we have a broken heart and we will all face death one day. No one is above any of that - so treat everyone as they are: HUMAN.

27. Never apologize for your accomplishments.

28. If your friends can't be proud of you and supportive of your life, accomplishments, goals, etc: then they are not your friends.

29. Be kind to animals... they have thoughts, feelings and souls.

30. Build walls. This will not only help you keep people out, but it can help you keep people in. Those who will scale the walls to be near you are extraordinary people. Those who constantly leap out of the walls are doing so for a reason...

31. If someone picks apart your life - there is something seriously lacking or wrong with theirs. Don't let it bother you and say a quite thought for them that you hope they find what they're searching for to make them happy.

32. Don't pick apart others lives. *See above.

33. Don't lie or exaggerate to children; they believe everything.

34. Never give away all of your secrets.

35. Take more photos. Let the world see what you see.

36. Scream and sing loudly. Also, dance how you feel without care.

37. If you ever find yourself saying "that's something I would never do", then you know the perfect reason why you should do it.

38. Believe in love and happiness, but don't believe everything that everyone says. I'm a unicorn. Did you believe it? No. Remember that... It's easy for people to tell lies. On the other hand, sometimes you just have to BELIEVE... and those things that you believe in may never make sense. I'm a unicorn.

39. Live life with no regrets. (See all above.)

40. Don't listen to anyone else's rules except your own. (See all above.)

Here's some pretty for you to look at.

The Fountain Of A Thousand Hats

*insert cool icon*

My step mom just left from a nice lunch and visit, and as she left she mentioned something very interesting. "A person can't wear more than one hat."

Essentially she meant that you are what you are to most people, and it's hard to overlap "jobs", so-to-speak. Your sister should never be your boss, your mother should never be your stylist, etc... etc...

So it made me think about the hats that I wear.

Admittedly, I am a different person to each person that I know. And hopefully by now you realize that this blog is not actually about fashionable headwear.

Fortunately, Jennifer has stuck around with me for enough years to understand this and doesn't question why I am the way I am to certain people and why I am not the way I am not to others. I am a different person to each of my parents, my friends, etc...

A good example of this is my relationship with Micky. Micky brings out a different side of me - (example: The Oh Noz!) ...one of the weeks in Baton Rouge when I first brought her around the boys I mentioned in passing to Johnson as we were giggling and making jokes about "Satan's Vagina, cream on cupcakes, etc..." I said, "Micky brings out a different side in me..." he chuckled and said, "I can tell."

I could delve further into this analogy, but I choose to remain quiet about the rest of the ins and outs about it.

To Micky I wear my Funny Musician Hat.

I assume this hat is very miniature and has hot pink glitter on it. She brings out the most crude in me, in the very best of ways. I feel like I'm possible of greatness when I'm with her.

To my Daddy I wear my World's Best Daughter hat.

This hat is something like a nice large sun hat. Innocent and shielding. I hide my dad from the bad, evil, sexual, dangerous parts of my life. Also, the majority of my cursing.

To my Mother I wear my over-achiever hat.

With this hat I never reveal my failures; I am always successful and artistic and I have the most creative ideas.

To Jennifer I wear my Jack-Of-All-Trades hat:

She's always wanting me to be better, to be the best of myself that I can be... I can never see the things in myself that she sees and I will never. I wear this hat to try and fulfill her *image* of me and to project it into the universe...


The hat I wear for myself:

Wanting to shy away from the constant and pressing attention, but in the end - there really is not escape.

This seemed a bit thought provoking to me for several reasons... I thought of the boys for a split second... I wear a different hat for each of them, as well...

I feel in some instances I can wear the hat of friendship, but not the hat of a photographer... I can wear the hat of a photographer, but not that of a fan... I can wear the hat of a fan, but not that of a follower... I can wear the hat of a follower, but not that of being loyal...

With all these hats that I have now accumulated, it's time I met my Mr. Smeds.

Which hats do you wear and what are your favorite? What's the most tiring?

I Could Just Kill A Man

"Go get your ribbon box, go get your wounded heart..."




Relationships have never been my strong suit.

I, like every other woman on planet earth, fall for the wrong men and I seemingly do everything wrong.

Another problem that I have with men and relationships is that I'm a realist; if I don't see the relationship having a future I'm not the kind of girl who can stick around and "have fun" waiting to "see" if it "goes anywhere".

I don't know if I can blame that on being 26 years old and just not being able to [literally] fuck around and waste time... I don't know that because honestly I was the same way at 18. I guess I'm just wired differently.

While at 18 I was definitely less serious about relationships than I am now - I have never felt like my heart was something to be messed with. I have never willingly gave it away. And I can also say that I have never been in a relationship where I was in love. There was once that I thought I was, but it was an illusion. I can realize that now, of course, in hindsight.

To have made it 26 years without being absolutely in love seems either a travesty or pure luck.

While I can say that I've never been in love in a relationship, that's not to say that my heart has not been pulled. As I stated yesterday, I have more emotions than I know what to do with...

Some have said that they are in love with me... though I have never said it back. I just cannot fathom speaking the words without having the meaning pressed behind them forcing them from my mouth.

I guess if I don't feel anything bigger - if I can't see it going somewhere, the point is - why waste time?

Sure, sometimes wasting time is fun... but it was fun at 18. At 26, one day I will wake up and be 40 and all this time I thought I had will be gone... then where will I be?

I suppose all of this is spurred from my head and my inner thoughts and the running monologue I have badgering me.

A few days ago on Facebook I mentioned that Liz and I were watching Say Yes To The Dress and it was making me want to call up my girlfriends and ask them to set me up with their single guy friends... now... that might sound a bit scary of a thought -- to go from a wedding TV show to, "hey, maybe I do want to start dating again..." but believe me, I don't *expect* to go on four dates and be engaged. Though, I do think that once you know, that's all you need to know...

Regardless...

Yes... yes, marriage is something that I'm thinking about. As I inch closer to 30 and I think about my future, my life, what I want from my life -- marriage, kids... career... happiness. All of those things come into focus...

At the same time... I know greatness is worth waiting for.

I will not settle.

I've watched friends settle before and while I'm happy they are opening a new chapter of their lives and getting married or having babies - I wonder if they quite realize just how special, unique and amazing they are and how they deserve so much better than the asshole husbands that they walked away with.

But hey, those are the things that good friends keep to themselves.

Photo of the Day:

It's All The Same To The Clam

It's no secret that I have more emotions than I know what to do with. Also, that I have battled depression, anxiety and eating disorders since I was what they call these days a "tween"... but when people ridicule me or coddle me for those things that I cannot control, it doesn't help them.

I've mentioned on this blog before - and I shall mention it again here - just because I'm perhaps having a low part of the day does not mean that something is "wrong". I understand that's an easy question to ask people... and I guess I should stop bitching that anyone ever asks me it, because let's face it, if people were to stop asking me it I would complain and say that no one cares...

At the same time when people coddle me and hold my feelings in a porcelain cup - there's no way that that is going to end well. A friend recently asked me, "how are you?" I said, "I'm good, how are you?" He replied, "Really?" ... I waited... He said, "I've heard some things..."

Oh. Well... let me tell you - I am not going to go "off" myself. Please don't tip toe around me because I'm at my low point of the day lately more often than I'm at the high point of the day. While I do claim to be an alright actress, I am just not the type of person that will willfully hold in their feelings and emotions. I feel that if I'm sad; I should be sad. If I'm happy; I will be happy. The end.

I know that depression makes people uneasy when they don't know what to do with it... but let me assure you that even though I still battle depression (unmedicated - by prescription and by self - I am completely sober now, by choice for the time being) I am still much happier than I have been in years past when you didn't know me.

I do have reason and meaning to my life and I do more often than not feel fulfilled. That's a big deal. I feel loved and accepted and I feel important to those close to me who matter... hell, I even feel important to some of the strangers and "fans". This is absolutely incredible.

Yes, I have attempted suicide before... however lightly and calling for attention or however dramatically and seriously... but I can tell you that is nothing further from my mind.

Even if it all were to stop tomorrow - if I never took another shot, if I never shot another show, if I never spent any more time with those boys - I know that suicide would not be my answer.

...This blog was actually not spurred by anything. Just some feelings that I had that I wanted to get out and share with... well... everyone.

I love each and every single one of you. No matter how insignificant you may feel you are in my life - you make a difference in it. Even if you hate, loathe and detest me - I still love you. You are an important part of me and this journey.

xojo

Slacker

I was actually listening to The Oh Noz! when I started writing this blog, so I thought that the icon was more than appropriate for today's blog.

The Oh Noz! (my band for the stalkers that follow me from my previous life...) were actually just mentioned in a 100 Monkeys interview. Pretty flippin' sweet, if you ask me.

PZO: What’s a common compliment people give you as a band and individually?
Jackson: “We love your live show.” It’s always amazing, you know, after the show we see people and they tell us how much they had an amazing time and how they met a new best friend of theirs or I think one of the best compliments we ever received was a CD from a fan who had been inspired by us to form her own band and that was a huge compliment right there.
Ben G: The Oh Noz!. 
(laughter)
PZO: That’s what they’re called?
Ben G: Yeah, N-O-Z.


Flippin'. Sweet. I don't hate that little thing right there. :) Do not hate at all.

Micky and I actually gave Ben an Oh Noz! shirt to wear in Dallas... he was going to wear it on stage... but... then he got high. (Or something.)

This was at our last performance... February 1st we went on right before Mechanical People at the show... Ben introduced us before the show and then after the performance (which was rocky in places due to the amount of Jameson we ingested) he hopped up on stage and said "give it up for The Oh Noz!" ...we definitely loved that. :)

I think I have now missed TWO days of blogging... but... at least I am still making it over to this blog more often than I was before. See... I'm trying.

I missed the other day because I was away from my computer all day again... I missed yesterday because I was stalking the mailman.

I have been not-so-patiently awaiting the mailman to bring my hCG drops so that I could finally start my new diet. They finally came yesterday about 2 or so and after taking them and then eating on them for the first time I got very tired and lethargic, which I believe is actually the opposite of what is supposed to happen on them... so... I hope that I don't have a backwards reaction to this crap as well. (Like Red Bull makes me tired.)

I actually started a new blog just for this "diet"... I will give you all the web address at the end of the 30 days. (Actually, I will need to go longer than 30 days in order to lose all the weight that I'm aiming for... this first cycle I'm going 43 days, which is the most that you're allowed to do... then I have to wait 6 weeks and then I can start another 43 days... we'll see how it all goes down.)

I'm pretty excited for this... those who have read my blog for a long time (or who have gone back in my blog to read old entries) know how excited I get to start new things. I get very motivated. Of course, when things don't show me the progress that I want or need I get very discouraged... I am going to try to push through that this time. I definitely have focus for this one. I see the goal that I want to obtain and now I'll try my hardest to reach it.

I had some very vivid and disturbing dreams last night. I'm a lucid dreamer, for the newbies who read this... and at times my dreams are almost too real and too much to take. Of course, there are times when that is a plus... when I'm being kissed or held I can actually taste the persons lips; I can actually feel their arms around me. That doesn't suck. :)

Last night was somewhere between evil and heaven.

I was in a hotel and every time I turned on the water and looked away blood rushed out onto my hands... the people around me could see the blood come from the faucet, but by the time that I would turn around to see it, it would go back to water. There were a few other little incidents that were scary like that... seeing things... feeling things that weren't there... I can't remember them all the way now that I've been up for a few hours... but... yeah.

Picture of the Day:

(PS... that kissing/holding thing happened in my dream last night... it got me through the grossness of touching blood.)

Easily Influenced: A Series Of Confessions

I've always been a quitter. Unless I wanted something more than anything... then I have a history of never stopping until I get what I want.

I have only child syndrome. I'm not great at sharing. I was never considered "spoiled" as a kid (we didn't grow up with tons of money, but I didn't go without...) but I had more than my fair share of toys and belongings. I get bored easily and I'm quite bossy at times.

There's a lot of things that I wish I could have had growing up. Most of them are not material. The only toy that I can think of that I wanted so badly but I never got was one of those Barbie 4x4 cars that you actually drive. I wished for one for so many years... I wished on stars, I wished on birthday candles... nothing. It never came. I'm probably better off with the bike that my parents bought me. I was a thin and active child and for that, I am grateful.

I quit dance and now I can't remember why. I actually quit dance twice... I quit acting. I quit band. I quit calling my parents. I quit high school. I quit my singing career. I quit my boyfriends. I quit my jobs.

Now, it's not that I'm the girl that quits as soon as things get hard - quite the opposite in fact. I'm the girl that quits when I've had "enough" or when I'm bored. I work very hard to get the things that I want... unfortunately I just don't have the attention span to reap the benefits for said hard work.

Now, to go back up there... my singing career? I was manipulated into quitting that. Here's a horrible place to tell you that I am easily influenced. But, at least now I *realize* that.

So, now there's so many people (most of them strangers) trying to get me to quit things... (*shifty eyes*) and I realize that I am easily influenced. I realize that they all have valid key points... but... we're missing the most important key point! The keyest of all points... the creme de le point!

IT MAKES ME HAPPY.

Why do so many people take an interest in my life? I'll never know. I actually don't care to know. I don't mind that people take an interest in my life... it makes me feel wanted and needed. Even if I just provide laughter (as they're laughing at me...) or quips... even if I just give them something to talk about and gossip about with their friends... or if they actually like me and they're genuinely interested in what I say... if I inspire someone to pick up a camera and take a photo or if I help them in their personal life by them relating to something that I've said --- I like it.

I don't understand it. It's weird and entirely new ground and I don't mind it. How's that for a confession? But, I've had a great friend able to help me through the process of this... They've offered many words of wisdom. (Most of them humorous.)

So, while I am still happy doing what I do - I will continue to do it. Others may (hell, probably will) try to convince me to stop doing what makes me happy - but those people clearly don't know me. (*See yesterday's blog entry...)

Another thing about me... I have ADD. That's a reason why I have quit so many things... I get bored. Burnt out. Tired. Over it... and, that always happens sooner or later. So... if you're one of the people trying to get me to quit something - just have a little patience, will ya?

Life Under Water: A Series Of Confessions

My life has a perfectly timed and always accurate running commentary. My evenly placed (and not so evenly placed) breaths; my evenly beating (and not so evenly beating) heart. Every bone that cracks, every itch of my skin, every single droning thought in my overstuffed and unorganized head...

All the commentary and soundtrack for me.

There are times that I want to slip under water... to go completely under. Drowning is not drowning at all; it's suffocating. Your body will not actually allow you to inhale much water... however, you don't receive air and therefore, you suffocate. Which, can be quite pleasant... much like slipping away. As your head goes under water and it fills up more of your face, slowly inching closer to your eyes and turning off your peripheral vision... something like that, I'd imagine. Slowly everything just fades to black.

There is always something that keeps us alive. For some it is religion. Whether that may mean they have faith that their "God" has put purpose in them or if they merely believe that to take their life would be a sin - it's keeping them alive. For some it is love. May it be they are so entirely loved that nothing is missing from their life or perhaps they have the drive to keep searching for what will fill them up completely; believing that it is love. For me I say, "it's not the right time..."

I find little mundane things to live for each day. Today it was one friend. Today it was Frank Sinatra and the way my pillows look when they're tear stained. Some days it's my best friend. Some days it's my boys. Some days it's nothing.

Some people are out of things to live for. While some would consider suicide a "thoughtless" or "selfless" act... to those I say you're both right and wrong. If I lost someone close to me from suicide and someone said "she was selfish... what about... what about...?" I'd say, "then you must not have known her so well. You didn't take the time to see just what she was going through." For those who have children and responsibilities... THOSE things should be your reasons to live... for those who aren't fortunate enough to have those luxuries - I would not consider your suicide selfish.

Sure, it is selfish... but isn't that what it's about? Your suicide is about you. You aren't killing. You are ending your pain and misery.

I have been in pain and misery for the majority of my 26 years having never really had many moments that I would call "happy". ...With one exception. (There's always an exception to the rule...)

2010.

2010 was the first year that I did not attempt suicide since I was 18.

That is not a fact that I have shared with many - and now I have shared it with all. I figure that I have this public platform to reach people on - I may as well utilize it.

I have been told a few times by people who read this that "we have a lot in common...", I hope that you can empathize with me on this entry. I know that times are hard, that life sucks more than it rocks, I know that each day when you wake up you have to face everything all over again and I know what it's like to count the hours in the day... to you, I want to say that if you can just find something to live for TODAY, you can make it through.

For those who have never felt this way, consider yourself blessed. Understand that it's not something people can turn on and off... understand that sometimes it's just something that people are born with... understand that by you reaching out to your friend who never reaches out to you that you could be saving their life that day. You are needed and wanted... but, it's so hard to say "help me".

I am unsure about a lot of things in my life right now, but I do know one thing for certain: I love my art. For that I stay alive... and I love the support that I am given. Right now I have a lot to be thankful for and I hope that 2011 will be as great as 2010.

As always, thank you to those who take the time to read this. Pixie Stix and Diet Coke's to those who comment.

*EDIT* You know what else keeps me going? Perfectly timed emails from my favorite people on the planet.

Title Me

"I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes 

Are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned..."




I have been thinking far too much lately. It all revolves around the same thoughts, they're just meshed and married together in a very incestuous way that at times makes me shiver and shake...

Of course then there's the times that I actually have a good positive thought or two. Mostly, I suppose those are just the memories that flood me from time to time.

I've been meticulously watching the price on the new camera that I want... shopping around from place to place and basically stalking it. That's actually perhaps my favorite part about buying a new camera -- stalking it.

I've been thinking about all the new art that I want to create. I need to find models. *ponders where the fuck I should find models*

We're going to Baton Rouge for Jenn's birthday... it's actually quite a coincidence that we're going to see a few boys while we're out there. I'm quite pleased for that, of course. There are hugs that must be given.

I have a premonition about my death today. (Hello worst segway ever.) It was... interesting... I believe I avoided the death, however. Phew...

Picture of zee day:

I found this on a photo blog and the artist was uncredited... but, I want to say that this photo absolutely captured me... from behind the leaves it looks as though you're peeking in on this lovers tryst. I love it... and I so want to do that in a park. ;)

xx

Trash Me

...everything is disposable... but, not people. 

For those of you who know me or actually read my blog, you know that I am a far more sensitive person than people will ever see or realize.

There's a giant gap of miscommunication here and no matter what I say (or don't say) it will never be cleared up. People make their opinions and they stand by them. So, while it's hard for me to realize that I am now a "public figure" and people are going to talk, gossip and make up shit about me... it's hard for others to realize that just because I am a "public figure" now that doesn't mean that I stopped being a human.

I do not regret. I wished and it came true. Be careful what you wish for.

For those who do support me and my photography; my art; my career - to you I will hold a place deep inside my heart for the rest of my life. You are far more appreciated than you will ever realize and I truly do love you. Thank you.

I have surrounded myself with good people that I can rely on for words or wisdom and support. These people mean everything to me and they keep me happy, focused and alive (in every sense of the word).

I didn't write this, but it's something that has touched me for a very long time. It was written by model Gia and I've always been drawn to it for no specific reason, now I see just how true it rings for my life.

Life and death, energy and peace...

If I stopped today, it was still worth it. 

Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could...

The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul... it was worth it. 

For having been allowed to walk where I've walked... 

Which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above... 

Picture of the day:

The Space

From one side of the room to the other, 

I estimate the number of steps, 

I contemplate the things to say;

Moisture upon my lips.

I fight the urge to run to you, 

But I have to make myself move my legs, 

Our eyes dart back and forth

As you slowly mouth my name, 

I never cared much for what I've been called, 

But to hear it from anyone else won't sound the same, 

The air is thick and tight as the walls they slowly cave, 

Three people or two hundred, 

Doesn't matter, it's all the same, 

When the space between us closes, 

And I'm finally home again. 

One Amazing Year

I'm about to get sentimental on you...

One year ago today was the first time I ever met Jackson.

Now, for so many of my friends (including my best friend Jennifer) today marks the first time that they ever saw 100 Monkeys live. I had already seen 100 Monkeys twice in August, however, Jackson wasn't there for those shows -- thus, November 7, 2009 was the first time that I ever met Jackson and the first time that I ever saw 100 Monkeys as a full band.

My how far I've come in a year.

I just went back into my blog from a year ago to see what all I had said about Jackson and my first full 100 Monkeys experience and I actually used the same icon that I did a year ago... without trying. :) Funny, it just seemed so appropriate for today.

I tried (and failed) to meet Jay three times before I was actually successful, which... we all know, waiting for something makes it that much sweeter in the end. November 7, 2009 was a great day. I won't say it was the best day of my life - but at that moment it ranked pretty high on the list. I still hold it amongst the memories I love. It seems so long ago, in a sense... and yet, I at times can't believe that it's only been a year.

I really don't think there's any amount of words that can sum up how much it means to me. I only have a few that really hit it on the head:

Be careful what you wish for...

November 2009, Nashville

January 2010, Tulsa

March 2010, Des Moines

March 2010, STL

April 2010, Nashville

June 2010, Seattle

July 2010, Arizona

October 2010, Baton Rouge

Of course those aren't all the photos that I have with him -- I have to keep some things private and just for myself.

I can't and won't even begin to tell you how far I've/we've come in the last year. I suppose it is unfortunate that a year ago I could say and spill anything I wanted and it didn't matter because no one cared to listen and now, now I keep everything to myself... for many different reasons... but yeah. I don't mind though - it makes all of those moments and memories a hundred times more special. 

I will say this, however; I do not take one moment with him (or any of those boys, for that matter) for granted. I appreciate it and them more than I am sure they even know and more than you all could ever comprehend. 

I can't believe it's only been a year... another one of these "year" blogs will be coming at the end of the southern tour... so be prepared for that. It's already being written in my head. 

Thanks to the four of you who read this. :)