A Distraction

Yesterday was one of the worst days that I have had to face in a while... I wrote a blog about it all last night, but as I came closer to bed and the early pressing hours, I realized that it was not something that I should post on a public venue.

I received a lot of love on my Facebook page when I stated that I was upset because I was finally saying aloud what I had known for most of my life: I have no family. I raised myself... this is why I travel, this is why I cry... this is why I perpetually search.

This came about full circle when my plans for moving back to Kansas City went up in flames.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

No one is listening anyway.

Here's some photos that made me happy yesterday when I was depressed.

And for those who made it through all of that... yes, I'm still depressed... no, not all of my problems have been able to be solved. Yes, it's more complicated than I can express.

Tonight I'm going to a Halloween party. I plan on enjoying chemicals and alcohol fully whilst I dance around in a slutty outfit and hit on strangers... ROLL TIDE!!! I love Alabama! :)

[Worthy Title About Nothing]

"Feeling better now that we're through, 
Feeling better cuz I'm over you, 
I learned my lesson; it left a scar,
Now I see how you really are..." 

I suppose there'a been a lot of changes happening to me lately... some I am not ready to admit... some I can't hold inside for a moment longer.

When you're six and you've got your favorite long sleeved winter shirt... you love it... you want to live in it... you never want to wash it and you want to wear it to school every day... when you're seven you go back to that shirt that you loved so much the previous year -- you still love it just as much -- you're super excited to put it on and this year it doesn't quite fit the same as it did last year. Though it's a little small and a tad uncomfortable - you're not ready to give it up yet... so you wear it. Another year passes and you're eight now... the shirt no longer fits and though it's hard and it hurts - you give it up.

I'm seven right now. I know what's coming... but for right now, I'd like to wear my slightly-uncomfortable shirt and pretend like it still fits.

I feel like I'm starting to outgrow a lot of things in my life. It's painful to watch.

I also feel like a lot of things are starting to outgrow *me*.

Yesterday I cleaned the bathroom - I maaay have used too much bleach. I got a swimming headache afterwards, but that wasn't the strangest thing... What was really weird is that I got insanely hyper. More so than I had been since I was a teenager. I couldn't calm down at all. It was a little strange. I didn't know what to do with all of my energy. Crazy.

I'm insanely bored.

...

I think I'm getting excited for the Monkey tour. I think. 19 days or something like that until I go to see them. I am completely unprepared. I have nothing planned and no tickets bought... I don't know what I'm going to wear or who I'm seeing where. I do have a couple photoshoots planned, so that makes me happy-time... but other than that, nothing is really settled... though... I am really looking forward to going back to Kansas City for the show there!!

Insane how excited I am for that. :) Very excited. I haven't seen KC or my people there since September when I left... I am forcing my mama to come to the show with me... it looks like it may be my only time with her while I'm there...

Also excited for the California leg of the tour... but that's something I'll talk about later and closer to all of this...

Bored.

Bored.

I'm a bore.

Intimacy & Love

"Be your best friend, yeah, I'll love you forever, 
Up in the clouds, we'll be higher than ever... 
So happy I could die..." 

We all know that you can have sex with someone and not be in love with them, just like you can be in love with someone and not have sex with them. But here I sit and ponder where to find the perfect balance of intimacy and love.

I refuse to get too personal with this post, but I have many opinions on this matter, I have rarely shared my own personal experiences on the subject.

I suppose we don't all crave love, just like I suppose we don't all crave sex. It's safe to say that most of us crave the latter more intensely than we crave love. We look at random strangers on the street or musicians and actors in magazines and our fantasies begin to spin wildly in our minds. It's only natural for us to project like that.

I'm sure there are many, many out there who project with love and not sex. They look at those same strangers walking the street, the musicians and actors in the magazines and think of the beautiful home they could share together, they think of the wedding they would have and how they would love each other harder than anyone has ever loved before...

So where do we find this perfect balance? How can we have the perfect blend of intimacy and love? Is there such a love where the desire to be with each other will never fade? When you're truly in love, will your pheromones take over and you'll crave the touch of one another?

I'm either hopeful enough, or naive enough to say that, yes, I believe that. I do believe in the perfect balance... that some people are more suited for the long term than others and that there can be people who were just *MEANT* to be together.

You have stars.

From the moment that you are born there are certain things written in your stars that are destined to happen in your life. You take a screen shot of the stars from the date, time and place where you are born and you can learn more about that person than you ever imagined...

So if you were destined to go through all this pain in your childhood, if you were destined to have music in your life for these three particular reasons... then why can't you be destined to love someone? And with that destiny, if all your stars aligned... why couldn't you be destined to have incredible intimacy?

While my views on "God" and religion are shaky, I still believe and have faith in fate... sure, you can change your fate with every minute decision that you make, but eventually it's all fate...

People are put into your path for a reason. Things, events, changes... they all happen for a reason.

I have a lot that I must find out.

xx

Imaginary Friend

"there's a crazy cast of characters,

none of which are real at all..."

The lyrics couldn't be more perfect for how today has gone... iTunes was really feeling me on this one today.

I wrote about half of my blog and then I realized that you weren't worth the blast.

So I deleted it.

Oh, haaay, sort of like you deleted me! Fancy that.

Swiftly moving on... Today marks three days until The Vegas... Tonight is going to be busy. There's so much to do and... well... only three days left to do it. Wax eyebrows, dye hair, buy things for Vegas, figure out WTF I'm wearing to the shows... etc... laaaa... I'm tired just thinking about it.

I do believe we're going to [attempt] the champagne brunch on Sunday. Should be good times. We went to the MGM Grand champagne brunch in 2007 and it was quite enjoyable. Of course now I do believe we're picking a much cheaper one than that. ;)

I've been in a Spencer Bell mood lately.

That's all I care to say about that.

I guess today is a short blog

Pic of the Day:

Tonight I'm buying my ticket for Dread -- in select theaters ONLY on the 29th (this Friday!) Check your local theaters and see if it's playing near you -- if it is, PLEASE go out and support it! It's an incredible film, beautifully shot, beautifully executed and fucking terrifying. ;)

xx Jo