...it takes me to sign into Blogger I forget why I even opened it anyway. Obviously to write a blog, but now I can't remember what about.
I just brewed a pot of coffee.
As I see it, if you can't beat insomnia, embrace it wholeheartedly. More time for work, anyhow. (And by "work" I mean "Reddit".)
The night is the hardest. It always has been. So much unknown out there - and don't get me wrong - I love the unknown. The unknown and the untraveled are the very reason why I even bother with so much that I do... but for the insomniatic, the unknown and the night are terrifying.
My thoughts flood me the minute that I lay down on my bed; the minute that I close my eyes... I am reminded of memories. The times that I laughed and was happy - I catch my breath for fear I will never have those experiences that made me that way again. ...I am reminded of the times that I couldn't catch my breath - the times that a simple touch, smile or inside joke was more than enough to sustain me - the wind is knocked out of me for the fact that I know that I don't have that and that I never will again (so far as I can see). ...I am reminded of the wrong that I have caused to people. All, honestly, unintentional - I catch my breath because if these people ever knew the amount and years of pain it has caused me, perhaps they would forgive me.
Perhaps forgiveness has already been granted. Perhaps I am not as thought of by these people as I once thought.
Who knows.
Sleep deprivation is writing this now. Sometimes it's better that way... better than the alternative.
About 2 years ago I wrote a blog in which I said that I had done wrong to some in my "past lives*" and however unintentional it was, I caused them pain that was unnecessary. I said how I was taking the steps towards being a better person.
I truly believe that I have lived up to that - however, we all make mistakes, and we all have to hurt each other.
So much of my life I have spent walking the fence; always fearing to take sides; always fearing to disappoint anyone or to side on anything...
I rode this fence and instead of speaking my mind and my opinion when I could (and probably should) have, I didn't. I ate it and sat there so as not to disrupt anything or anyone.
This was wrong.
In this process I have hurt people...
But then...
Sometimes you stand up for yourself, your beliefs and your opinions and you hurt people.
We all hurt people.
You've hurt people. You may have hurt someone today. Who knows... but you can be forgiven. If not, I know you can learn to move on.
Your best friend makes a cake and it tastes like shit - you tell him it tastes like shit and his feelings are hurt.
You work really hard on a photo layout and give it to your client - they tell you that they were thinking in going a different direction - you thought this layout was your Sistine Chapel - you are hurt by their words.
A stranger calls you "fat" on the Internet. You are, indeed, plump. You are hurt by their words.
A stranger calls your art "a disgrace". You believe them even though they are trolls. You are hurt.
You break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend and *mean* it when you say you want to stay friends. They are hurt.
...What are the alternatives to these things? No one can truly go through life without hurting anyone. It's life.
Alternatives?
Your best friend makes a cake and it tastes like shit - you eat it anyway and tell him it tastes good; your stomach aches for days and he raves about how he's the greatest baker since Julia Fucking Child. He makes more cake. You are obligated to eat it. ...it would have been easier to just tell him it wasn't great. Then he can get better.
You work really hard on a photo layout and give it to your client - they don't want to tell you that your work was not adequate for the account so they either; A: are pussies and can't man up and tell you, so they hire you and it flops. Or B: they just plain don't call you back and you always wonder if it was your work or something that you said or did in the meeting. ...it would have just been better for you to hear the truth - that way you can improve.
A stranger calls you fat on the Internet. Look... people are always going to troll. Some people just get off making fun of others and inflicting invisible pain. Note that 98% of these assholes wouldn't have the guts to say anything to your face. (I have met some... they hide behind their screens all day, but in fact it's just because they are insecure about themselves.)
A stranger calls your art a disgrace. Work harder. Your art is never finished... then again... neither are the trolls.
You don't break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend... you try to push through the relationship, but in the end you are unhappy and unfulfilled. When the break up finally happens, it's messy and your partner is mad at you for hiding this from them for so long - ultimately you don't get to keep them as a friend. ...it would have been so much better to just be honest at your realization moment instead of dragging something out. If you really can stay friends - friendship is better than nothing. Obviously this person meant something to you if you dated them in the first place.
So yeah... I have hurt people. People have hurt me. It's all recyclable and it's all normal. It doesn't make you (OR ME!) a bad, terrible, awful person. It makes you normal.
Everyone hurts people.
Sure, ignorance is bliss. ...and I enjoy my fair share of ignorance in the right place and time. There's some things that I prefer to be completely blind to (I won't discuss those here), but I love to hear all of the upfront and honest truth from my friends/family/lovers/etc.
I give my friends full permission to ridicule my work. Let me fucking have it. I've been working on a new project lately and I've recruited a couple friends (more to come in the later processes) to look over and proof my stuff... they tell me their opinions. I'd rather have my friends honest opinion knowing full and well that they love me no matter what versus my future employers full and honest opinion on the first day. It's much easier.
The long and short of this is that I hate that I've caused people necessary pain. Normal day-to-day shit. I hate hurting feelings. I'm terrible at it... look at me... I've had insomnia for years because this is the shit that keeps me up at night... this normal shit that everyone goes through and it bothers me so damn much that I hate to close my eyes.
I don't know if anyone else out there thinks these things or has these problems, but I just thought that I would finally get off my chest what's been bothering me for years.
In the coming new year I'm hoping to document in a notebook all the things that bother me about the ways that I've unintentionally hurt people and perhaps what the outcome would have been if I didn't and how I feel me hurting them perhaps bettered our situation... also, the ways people have hurt me, what the outcome would have been if they didn't and how I feel them hurting me bettered our situation. I think this will be cathartic and helpful towards loosening these thoughts that I have.
If you have any suggestions for sleep, insomnia, reciepes I should try, an example of "necessary" pain/hurt, etc... kind words, hate mail, etc. Leave it after the jump and I'll respond to as many as I can. :)
*past lives... In my mind my life isn't broken up into one consecutive thing... because I have so much memory loss of my past the different highlights that I can recall I remember as "past lives". Such as, my childhood (all four years or so that I can piece together), my teenage years (not much of that either), my early 20's (like shuffling through Justin Timberlake concerts and whatnot), and then the now. The "now" I refer to as the last three years of my life.
<3
Showing posts with label go fuck yourself. Show all posts
Showing posts with label go fuck yourself. Show all posts
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
A Distraction
Yesterday was one of the worst days that I have had to face in a while... I wrote a blog about it all last night, but as I came closer to bed and the early pressing hours, I realized that it was not something that I should post on a public venue.
I received a lot of love on my Facebook page when I stated that I was upset because I was finally saying aloud what I had known for most of my life: I have no family. I raised myself... this is why I travel, this is why I cry... this is why I perpetually search.
This came about full circle when my plans for moving back to Kansas City went up in flames.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
No one is listening anyway.
Here's some photos that made me happy yesterday when I was depressed.
And for those who made it through all of that... yes, I'm still depressed... no, not all of my problems have been able to be solved. Yes, it's more complicated than I can express.
Tonight I'm going to a Halloween party. I plan on enjoying chemicals and alcohol fully whilst I dance around in a slutty outfit and hit on strangers... ROLL TIDE!!! I love Alabama! :)
I received a lot of love on my Facebook page when I stated that I was upset because I was finally saying aloud what I had known for most of my life: I have no family. I raised myself... this is why I travel, this is why I cry... this is why I perpetually search.
This came about full circle when my plans for moving back to Kansas City went up in flames.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
No one is listening anyway.
Here's some photos that made me happy yesterday when I was depressed.
And for those who made it through all of that... yes, I'm still depressed... no, not all of my problems have been able to be solved. Yes, it's more complicated than I can express.
Tonight I'm going to a Halloween party. I plan on enjoying chemicals and alcohol fully whilst I dance around in a slutty outfit and hit on strangers... ROLL TIDE!!! I love Alabama! :)
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Mediocrity
This was a rant that turned into a positive and motivating message. Read and be motivated.
I refuse to let my work be anything less than superior to my previous shoot. While we all have off days, and we all have moments where we say "ugh, I wish I would have done *THIS* with that shot..." it's not acceptable to let yourself be mediocre.
Mediocrity to an artist is a bigger epidemic than the population of homeless people on Fremont Street in Las Vegas. (I guess if I was homeless I would want to be homeless in Vegas, too.)
By no means am I calling myself perfect. I still have much to learn. I experience artistic jealousy more often than I care to share, but if fuels me to practice and to better my own photography.
I look back at old shoots and learn from them - and then I remove them when my newer shots have outgrown them. What may be the best shot that I've ever taken on Tuesday, will be the worst shot I've ever taken on Wednesday. Everything is ever changing and developing. Some things and some shots I am not proud of, but they're apart of my work and who I am. There are some shots that I feel I will never exceed...
I took this photo in Mission, TX on the first day of 2011 and I vividly remember when my finger pressed the shutter to capture it.
My fear is that I will never nail another shot the way I nailed this one... but, if this is my best and most loved and accepted piece of work - there could be worse things.
My digital editing skills have greatly accelerated. To look back on my old things now I cringe at the over-saturation and the lack of depth with shadows and curves.
The best thing is to get the shot right the first time and not have to fuss with it much, if at all, in Photoshop. That shot up there that I just posted? No Photoshop on the original that everyone loves. On that copy that I posted in this blog, I de-saturated it because the excess red was starting to irk me and I felt like it was almost bleeding into the lines...
I probably and honestly spend less than 10 minutes per shot that I'm editing from a concert. I do not like to heavily edit things. I aim to take them correct the first time.
We are all learning constantly. No matter what you do there's always room for improvement.
I am highly anticipating the upcoming shows I'll attend to continue to improve and prove myself as an ever-evolving photographer.
We all have our own style and our own way of doing things... and they say that "art is subjective"... true. Some do not like my art and my style. That's their opinion to have.
I feel at times people can be blinded by the subject and refuse to see or notice the technical details of the shot... (Or maybe "photography" is not important to them and they just really care about looking at what they may call "pretty pictures". Who knows.)
There are some things in life that I do not understand... and I can't really choose to express them here... but I do want to stress that no matter what equipment you're running, it's important you know the capabilities of it and of yourself.
When I purchased my camera, I got it because it was where I was at in that moment. Now, I feel like I've outgrown my camera (not that this is the point...) but... a point to make is, you can have the most expensive and high-tech camera on the market - that doesn't mean that you'll take a great shot.
I don't aim to take "passable" or "sub-par" shots. I never want to feel indifferent about my work. I want to look at a photo and believe in it. That shot up there? I believe in it. I am proud of it.
I never want my photography to be ordinary, common or middling.
I always want to better myself and I always want my last shoot to be the best shoot.
As I mentioned in the beginning of this post - we all have off days. Not every shot is going to be THE shot. My mother (a professional photographer) told me years and years ago (back in the days of shooting weddings with 35mm film...) "You may take 100 shots and get ONE. And even then, that's lucky."
Why is that quote true? Because she never settled for mediocre photography. She didn't want 10 shots that were "good" and looked similar. She wanted ONE shot that was extraordinary and made you stare.
Better yourself... no matter if you're a photographer, a musician, a janitor, a nurse or a teacher. Better yourself and don't settle for mediocrity.
I am Jodie Platz, and I approve this message.
I refuse to let my work be anything less than superior to my previous shoot. While we all have off days, and we all have moments where we say "ugh, I wish I would have done *THIS* with that shot..." it's not acceptable to let yourself be mediocre.
Mediocrity to an artist is a bigger epidemic than the population of homeless people on Fremont Street in Las Vegas. (I guess if I was homeless I would want to be homeless in Vegas, too.)
By no means am I calling myself perfect. I still have much to learn. I experience artistic jealousy more often than I care to share, but if fuels me to practice and to better my own photography.
I look back at old shoots and learn from them - and then I remove them when my newer shots have outgrown them. What may be the best shot that I've ever taken on Tuesday, will be the worst shot I've ever taken on Wednesday. Everything is ever changing and developing. Some things and some shots I am not proud of, but they're apart of my work and who I am. There are some shots that I feel I will never exceed...
I took this photo in Mission, TX on the first day of 2011 and I vividly remember when my finger pressed the shutter to capture it.
My fear is that I will never nail another shot the way I nailed this one... but, if this is my best and most loved and accepted piece of work - there could be worse things.
My digital editing skills have greatly accelerated. To look back on my old things now I cringe at the over-saturation and the lack of depth with shadows and curves.
The best thing is to get the shot right the first time and not have to fuss with it much, if at all, in Photoshop. That shot up there that I just posted? No Photoshop on the original that everyone loves. On that copy that I posted in this blog, I de-saturated it because the excess red was starting to irk me and I felt like it was almost bleeding into the lines...
I probably and honestly spend less than 10 minutes per shot that I'm editing from a concert. I do not like to heavily edit things. I aim to take them correct the first time.
We are all learning constantly. No matter what you do there's always room for improvement.
I am highly anticipating the upcoming shows I'll attend to continue to improve and prove myself as an ever-evolving photographer.
We all have our own style and our own way of doing things... and they say that "art is subjective"... true. Some do not like my art and my style. That's their opinion to have.
I feel at times people can be blinded by the subject and refuse to see or notice the technical details of the shot... (Or maybe "photography" is not important to them and they just really care about looking at what they may call "pretty pictures". Who knows.)
There are some things in life that I do not understand... and I can't really choose to express them here... but I do want to stress that no matter what equipment you're running, it's important you know the capabilities of it and of yourself.
When I purchased my camera, I got it because it was where I was at in that moment. Now, I feel like I've outgrown my camera (not that this is the point...) but... a point to make is, you can have the most expensive and high-tech camera on the market - that doesn't mean that you'll take a great shot.
I don't aim to take "passable" or "sub-par" shots. I never want to feel indifferent about my work. I want to look at a photo and believe in it. That shot up there? I believe in it. I am proud of it.
I never want my photography to be ordinary, common or middling.
I always want to better myself and I always want my last shoot to be the best shoot.
As I mentioned in the beginning of this post - we all have off days. Not every shot is going to be THE shot. My mother (a professional photographer) told me years and years ago (back in the days of shooting weddings with 35mm film...) "You may take 100 shots and get ONE. And even then, that's lucky."
Why is that quote true? Because she never settled for mediocre photography. She didn't want 10 shots that were "good" and looked similar. She wanted ONE shot that was extraordinary and made you stare.
Better yourself... no matter if you're a photographer, a musician, a janitor, a nurse or a teacher. Better yourself and don't settle for mediocrity.
I am Jodie Platz, and I approve this message.
Friday, January 21, 2011
You're One Of Us
"All that I need is the air that I breathe,
And all that I need are things I don't need,
And all that really matters is what matters to me..." Lyrics of the day by Blind Melon and could not be more true. Think about that for a while. Put it in your juice box and suck it.
This is a blog that I've been meaning to write since the very beginning of the year... and since I do not have my cheat sheet piece of paper, I hope that I can remember it all.
I documented each place that I traveled in 2010 and was pretty astounded. I believe there was only one month out of the year that I didn't travel: May. And you know what? Fuck May.
January: Tulsa, Las Vegas.
February: LA.
March: Des Moines, STL, Louisville.
April: Nashville, Birmingham, Memphis, Little Rock, Dallas.
June: Seattle.
July: LA, Scottsdale, Las Vegas, San Diego, San Francisco.
August: Detroit.
October: Baton Rouge.
November: Baton Rouge (Several times.)
December: Baton Rouge, Atlanta, Birmingham, New Orleans, Houston, Dallas, Austin...
(And then of course at the beginning of my 2011 tally for cities traveled is Mission and San Antonio...)
Looks like I also didn't go anywhere in September, which makes sense because that's when I moved from Kansas City.
I definitely love to travel. I honestly wouldn't trade this life for anything in the whole wide world. No amount of money... no amount of bribery... there's honestly only one thing that will ever get me to stop and I will never say it out loud.
Picture of the day:
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Wicked Little Things
"Now that we're all fat and happy,
We'll be made into pies..."
I had a bad day today. I'm frustrated with entirely too much and it's all building up in me. Of course, I can't actually say what's really bothering me for fear that those who it affects will read it. It's not something that should be brought to their attention via blog, you know? I owe them more than that.
Regardless, when I'm out of control, I fight to control what I can in my life. Today it was an X-Acto knife, antihistamines and Miller Light. Those are three things that I can control in my life. So I controlled them.
Those that know me know that Benedryl knocks me the fuck out. So a few of those + the 2 beers I had and I was passed out within an hour or so... slept like a rock while Twister played in the background. It was a good sleep. I needed it.
Upon waking everything is still the same, however. I haven't said the things to the people that I need to, but it did make me feel better to temporarily put the world on hold.
Control is a funny thing. There are some areas in my life where I absolutely must have control... There are some things that I know I'll never get control over... There are some things that I don't even want control over... It's crazy - the lines are blurred on where all of those things stand.
I can only hope that tomorrow is a better day... but then again - tomorrow is already a better day because it's finally the 14th... :)
Photo of the day:
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Divorce Amongst Friends
"Faced with the Dodo's conundrum,
I felt like I could just fly,
But nothing happened every time I tried..."
Let's face it - not all friendships last. Unfortunately, friendships are not the same as relationships or marriages. You don't get alimony and there wasn't a prenup.
So usually you are left with nothing.
I feel bad for those with mutual friends, but in my last friendship snafu breakup, I gave the mutual friends to the other person. (I'm generous, what can I say...?)
You know when you file for a divorce you must cite a reason for the split. And both parties must sign the documents acknowledging and understanding what is happening...
The world is full of good people -- they're all good people. There are good people that do bad things, and there are good people that do good things. But there are no bad people. No one was born bad. People just make bad decisions in life.
And you know what? Sometimes if you let those people go... if you let them turn and walk out the door and you don't call back for them? That's the best decision that you can ever make. Because the people that want you to run after them... hold onto them... beg them to stay? Nah. You're not worth their time if they're not even going to try to put you in their life. Let them go. You deserve so much better, little dove.
This message brought to you by scissors. Like... kitchen shears.
Photo of the Day:
Friday, June 4, 2010
New Tricks
"Maybe I should have saved those leftover dreams,
Funny but here's that rainy day..."
I guess it's been a while since I've blogged... and I know I *still* haven't done my Birmingham or Memphis blog; I guess that one day it will just be like a surprise for you. Someday you'll wake up and it'll be here...
I'm at the beginning of a headache. I can't tell if it's going to be a migraine yet or not...
I pulled out a good chunk of my eyelashes today. I really have a problem with that... :-/
Jennifer and I finally got the second season of Grey's Anatomy on DVD. :) That made me happy. Only took me 2 days to watch it all. Now, of course, I am ready for the third season...
Funny thing, actually...
We walked into FYE to go buy Grey's and right inside the door is the Twilight merchandise. I did a once over and they were having a sale (50% off Twilight merchandise, so I was going to look for the Jasper doll.) The employee said, "Can I help you find anything?" I said "Jasper" and that turned into a hugeeeee conversation/debate about the books and movies and the "neglected" characters.
She talked our fucking ears off! Rambling on and on and on about all sorts of Twilight related things. I was polite and listened, though I wanted to just say, "Yeaaaaaah... I'm not *THAT* into Twilight, just kinda wanted the Jasper doll so I could like, make it dance and put it in my van..." I listened to the TwiHard for a bit and then her customers got impatient. She was definitely the most interesting person that I met that day, however. (And she was an Emmett girl.)
It's hard for me to fall asleep. The night time is the hardest, which... I don't understand, but it is. I lay in bed last night - lights off, TV off, mind ON. Just as I would start to fall asleep I would sit straight up and gasp for air. I clench my fists, I clench my jaw... I don't know what to call this. I also don't know how to make it stop.
I got some Worry Dolls the other day we were out; they haven't helped.
I feel like I'm a disappointment to everyone I meet. I haven't made my parents proud, I haven't made my "fans" proud, I haven't made my friends proud. I can't even edit and keep up with my sites. I don't know what to do. The ADD is getting worse; the anxiety is getting worse. The addictions are getting worse. The only thing I'm getting better at is hiding it and lying about it.
Picture of the Day:
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