There's Only One November

20 days until my birthday...

It feels the same as it does every year that I count down to my birthday... I love it. The countdown is half the fun.

I'm not exactly sure what I'll be doing for my birthday. A few friends mentioned wanting to come to the city I'll be in and hang out/do birthday stuff. This would please me tremendously if they could work it out.

I can hope for it! *tries to think positive*

Big things happening... some I'll talk about - some I won't. (That's natural, right?)

I should be starting work on my very first solo album here in December. That... THAT pleases me more than almost anything. I need to get back to working on The Oh Noz! album, but now that Micky and I will be in different states again... well, oh well... ;) It'll just mean that I'll have to come back to Alabama to visit.

With the solo record... I can't even begin to explain to you how excited I am to finally start work on this. This, I feel, is my life's culmination. I've had so many "almosts" in my life.

I first started working with a producer and recording when I was 16... when I was 21 I was signed to a record label... 22 I was flown out to LA to spend a week recording a few songs with a hit producer... things crashed and burned from there (that's the short version of the story).

Then photography started being my main art... The Oh Noz! were created and all my energy has been put into that. I just haven't really thought too much about a solo EP/LP in quite a while...

Now that I have this opportunity - I'm grasping it and accepting it with both hands and I can't wait to share it with y'all.

...It almost seems a little ridiculous that it would take this long for me to get a solo album out. *scoffs*

Swiftly moving on and speaking of The Oh Noz!

Here's the latest Oh Noz! video to my favorite song off the ohmygod album, "Keep Your Mouth Shut (Famous)".



What does a photographer do when they need a photographer?

That's a hard thing.

Back when I was... *clears throat* ...engaged... to be engaged -- I had given a lot of thought into who I wanted to photograph my wedding. I narrowed it down to about 4 photographers that would depend on where exactly we were getting married... of course, my relationship ended, but here I am again in need of finding a photographer.

It's just something that is so incredibly hard to do.

If I had my pick on who I'd want to take my photo - I'd pick my friend/photographer Serenity. But, she lives hours and hours and hours away from where I'll be staying for the next few moons and so unfortunately, I don't think she'll be able to take my portrait for this project that I'm working on... which leaves me with finding someone commercially.

Le sigh.

I had an idea for a blog entry today and I couldn't remember it... just as I was typing that last paragraph I remembered what my topic was going to be... but now I feel that it's too late... yet here I am still sharing that information with y'all regardless. xD

I am a little more than excited to get back to a resting place for a hot second. I've been living out of the same suitcase since tour/July... I tend to mention that a lot... part of it is because I'm proud of that fact and the other part of it is that I'm still in complete disbelief that I have done that!

I'm looking forward to a bit of consistency in my everyday life... also, I'm looking forward to exploring... I'm going to try to go out more and meet new people... network some and meet new friends.

I have been feeling a little lost from the friends that I have/had. I won't share all my opinions on that openly in a public forum such as this, but I've had to draw back from a few people over the past few months because I was feeling under appreciated.

I don't really like to keep people around for the "what if"... "Oh, what if I need something from them someday...?" My mind doesn't work like that. If people don't talk to me, I don't feel the want/need to keep them around or to make space for them. I suppose I'd rather spend time focusing on people who make me a priority in their life.

It hurts me, though... because a lot of the times it seems like people never really notice or care when I disappear from their lives. It's not like I did it purposely in order to gain attention -- that's not it at all -- it's that I'm trying to keep my walls straight. My walls are there not only to keep people out, but to keep the people that I love in... when you pull back from me and you put some of those walls between us... well... I suppose that's all I need to say about that.

I am grateful for the people that I do have who love me and treat me well. I have 2 unconditional best friends/sisters when I thought that I was just lucky enough to have one... so I know that I must have done something right...

However, I can't help but think about those other people... I still consider them my friends - I'd still pick up the phone and talk to them if they called me -- I still hug them hello when I see them... I just... sometimes it's nice to feel important and wanted. I'm sure that's something that everyone can understand and appreciate.

I know that friendship comes in all kinds of different forms. Perhaps this is just the way that we are friends. I can live with that. :)

Let's end on a high note, shall we?

Have you got your Christmas list planned out? Why not run it by Santa himself?

http://www.santabot.com/ is a site where you can chat with Santa... I feel he's more realistic that its predacessor, Cleverbot. (http://www.cleverbot.com/)

Cleverbot just doesn't "get" me like Santa does.

Here's some new/up-to-date photos of me... these were spawned of boredom and too much time on my hands.

The editing that I did on them reminds me of the shots of the SNL host before they get back from the commercial break. xD That tickles me... (and it was unintentional)

Situational Friendship

"You take your cigarettes ultra light, 

I like to take them straight, 

You always feel so blue... 

I always feel great."

My mother is very smart. She's taught me many things. She taught me all about photography... (she's an incredible artist herself...)

I mimicked one of her iconic photographs earlier this year, actually.

Mama's original:

My take:

The difference here is that her's is amazing and mine is completely mediocre. At least I am a good enough artist to realize this. My favorite part of hers is everything - my favorite part of mine is the billow of smoke.

Regardless -- she's taught me about photography... she's taught me words that I live by, a quote by Jen Platz: "You never know when you will be reduced to camping." Take that one with you kids, she's amazing.

Amongst her amazing and inspiring art and words she's taught me about something she calls "situational friendship."

I was bitching to her about 2 months ago that people didn't care about ME... that they didn't want to know ME - they wanted to know who I knew, what I knew or my photos. (I had said, once upon a time, that I wanted people to give me attention -- I will reiterate this, kids: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.)

My Mama told me to stop bitching. She said that I was making myself out to be a victim here and while it is unfortunate that more people don't take the time to get to know ME, that I shouldn't write everyone off just because of it.

There are those people out there that we call "situational friends". I am your friend because we know the same people, travel in the same circle, because we have something to gain from each other -- we aren't USING each other... because you can benefit from me and I can benefit from you -- we are friends... just not the lasting kind.

It's like any other "normal" job - you're friends with the person the next cubical over because it's easier to be friendly than to keep to yourself... it's easy because you have that built in person that you can talk to at the water cooler and you know that someone is always there having your back. This person isn't going to be your friend when you get laid off from your job two years down the line -- but it was nice to have them there while they lasted.

My Mama is going to school to be a nurse (she's a Jack of all trades, if you will...) she said that she became friends with the girl who sits next to her in class because they can trade notes and they'll have each others back if one of them has to miss a class... my Mama = smart woman.

Now I don't take it so personally when it's a give and take kind of friendship that approaches me. Perhaps we both can gain from each other in this situational friendship...

However...

It wouldn't hurt to have a few more ACTUAL friends out there who will have my back when I fall and skin my knees... most situational friends tend to flee at the first sign of trouble. (Scroll back up there and re-read that getting laid off part... yeah.)

I said on Twitter a few weeks ago that I was lonely... a follower replied back with "why are you lonely? You're awesomesauce and super talented. How is it possible for you not to be surrounded by people?" That comment really stuck with me. I had to favorite it even though it was so sad. While the compliments inside the note were sweet and I took them to heart -- it's amazing that people don't understand. I love them all... I love each and every person that follows me, I love each and every person that's ever saved one of my photos on their computer or fanned my Facebook page... I really, really, honestly and genuinely love them all with every inch of my heart --- but I'm so lonely.

I'm so lonely because I don't know who I can trust. I'm so lonely because I don't have anyone that I can tell my secrets to. I'm so lonely because no one will listen. I'm so lonely because no one sees me... or takes the time to see me... or takes the time to get to know me.


Yes, there are exceptions to the rule and believe me, I know those who I can count on in a real situation. So... no angry texts from the few I can count on my hand that will argue with me about what I've just said. But, most of those people have lives... wait. Actually, all of those people have lives... all of those people don't live here with me.

And then there's the others that say how much I can come to them... how they love ME for ME yet they only come around when I'm going to a show or I post new photos. Do you know how many people comment or "like" my photography outside of 100 Monkeys? Like... 2 people. I wonder if people even look at it.

You know, my last post I said that I was speaking to the whole four of you that read it and I was surprised that I got a few comments -- I know there's those out there who read but don't comment... I appreciate all of you too...

This was just something I wanted to talk about for a while -- not bitching about the life that I have made for myself - I honestly wouldn't trade it for anything... and perhaps it's better that I have the close friends that I do - most of them are artists and can understand the artists life. It's good to have those ears to listen to me and those shoulders to lean on when I need them.

I love all my friends... situational or not. :)

Photo of the day:

Photo of the Bay Bridge that I took in San Francisco. Reminds me of my mama.

New Tricks

"Maybe I should have saved those leftover dreams, 
Funny but here's that rainy day..." 

I guess it's been a while since I've blogged... and I know I *still* haven't done my Birmingham or Memphis blog; I guess that one day it will just be like a surprise for you. Someday you'll wake up and it'll be here...

I'm at the beginning of a headache. I can't tell if it's going to be a migraine yet or not...

I pulled out a good chunk of my eyelashes today. I really have a problem with that... :-/

Jennifer and I finally got the second season of Grey's Anatomy on DVD. :) That made me happy. Only took me 2 days to watch it all. Now, of course, I am ready for the third season...

Funny thing, actually...

We walked into FYE to go buy Grey's and right inside the door is the Twilight merchandise. I did a once over and they were having a sale (50% off Twilight merchandise, so I was going to look for the Jasper doll.) The employee said, "Can I help you find anything?" I said "Jasper" and that turned into a hugeeeee conversation/debate about the books and movies and the "neglected" characters.

She talked our fucking ears off! Rambling on and on and on about all sorts of Twilight related things. I was polite and listened, though I wanted to just say, "Yeaaaaaah... I'm not *THAT* into Twilight, just kinda wanted the Jasper doll so I could like, make it dance and put it in my van..." I listened to the TwiHard for a bit and then her customers got impatient. She was definitely the most interesting person that I met that day, however. (And she was an Emmett girl.)

It's hard for me to fall asleep. The night time is the hardest, which... I don't understand, but it is. I lay in bed last night - lights off, TV off, mind ON. Just as I would start to fall asleep I would sit straight up and gasp for air. I clench my fists, I clench my jaw... I don't know what to call this. I also don't know how to make it stop.

I got some Worry Dolls the other day we were out; they haven't helped.

I feel like I'm a disappointment to everyone I meet. I haven't made my parents proud, I haven't made my "fans" proud, I haven't made my friends proud. I can't even edit and keep up with my sites. I don't know what to do. The ADD is getting worse; the anxiety is getting worse. The addictions are getting worse. The only thing I'm getting better at is hiding it and lying about it.

Picture of the Day: