Yeah...

So... this whole "blogging everyday thing" clearly isn't going to happen. While I maintain that I am still blogging more than I was previously, I have come to the conclusion that I don't blog on days that I am away from the house or days that Jennifer doesn't work. Therefore - that could be several times a week.

The hCG diet is going well -- which, I need to update THAT blog, also... I lost three pounds yesterday alone and am now one pound lower than my starting weight. (The "load" days really put me off...)

I don't feel like I have much else to share, really... let's see... um...

Fuck.

All I want to do is talk about my weight.

That's the downside from being on a diet - it consumes my every thought.

EDIT: I finished this lame excuse for a blog and I went to my new hCG diet blog to put up an entry and as I was typing I realized that my goal weight for the end of this shabangle is less than I have weighed in 12 years.

In-sane.

Carry on.

Situational Friendship

"You take your cigarettes ultra light, 

I like to take them straight, 

You always feel so blue... 

I always feel great."

My mother is very smart. She's taught me many things. She taught me all about photography... (she's an incredible artist herself...)

I mimicked one of her iconic photographs earlier this year, actually.

Mama's original:

My take:

The difference here is that her's is amazing and mine is completely mediocre. At least I am a good enough artist to realize this. My favorite part of hers is everything - my favorite part of mine is the billow of smoke.

Regardless -- she's taught me about photography... she's taught me words that I live by, a quote by Jen Platz: "You never know when you will be reduced to camping." Take that one with you kids, she's amazing.

Amongst her amazing and inspiring art and words she's taught me about something she calls "situational friendship."

I was bitching to her about 2 months ago that people didn't care about ME... that they didn't want to know ME - they wanted to know who I knew, what I knew or my photos. (I had said, once upon a time, that I wanted people to give me attention -- I will reiterate this, kids: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.)

My Mama told me to stop bitching. She said that I was making myself out to be a victim here and while it is unfortunate that more people don't take the time to get to know ME, that I shouldn't write everyone off just because of it.

There are those people out there that we call "situational friends". I am your friend because we know the same people, travel in the same circle, because we have something to gain from each other -- we aren't USING each other... because you can benefit from me and I can benefit from you -- we are friends... just not the lasting kind.

It's like any other "normal" job - you're friends with the person the next cubical over because it's easier to be friendly than to keep to yourself... it's easy because you have that built in person that you can talk to at the water cooler and you know that someone is always there having your back. This person isn't going to be your friend when you get laid off from your job two years down the line -- but it was nice to have them there while they lasted.

My Mama is going to school to be a nurse (she's a Jack of all trades, if you will...) she said that she became friends with the girl who sits next to her in class because they can trade notes and they'll have each others back if one of them has to miss a class... my Mama = smart woman.

Now I don't take it so personally when it's a give and take kind of friendship that approaches me. Perhaps we both can gain from each other in this situational friendship...

However...

It wouldn't hurt to have a few more ACTUAL friends out there who will have my back when I fall and skin my knees... most situational friends tend to flee at the first sign of trouble. (Scroll back up there and re-read that getting laid off part... yeah.)

I said on Twitter a few weeks ago that I was lonely... a follower replied back with "why are you lonely? You're awesomesauce and super talented. How is it possible for you not to be surrounded by people?" That comment really stuck with me. I had to favorite it even though it was so sad. While the compliments inside the note were sweet and I took them to heart -- it's amazing that people don't understand. I love them all... I love each and every person that follows me, I love each and every person that's ever saved one of my photos on their computer or fanned my Facebook page... I really, really, honestly and genuinely love them all with every inch of my heart --- but I'm so lonely.

I'm so lonely because I don't know who I can trust. I'm so lonely because I don't have anyone that I can tell my secrets to. I'm so lonely because no one will listen. I'm so lonely because no one sees me... or takes the time to see me... or takes the time to get to know me.


Yes, there are exceptions to the rule and believe me, I know those who I can count on in a real situation. So... no angry texts from the few I can count on my hand that will argue with me about what I've just said. But, most of those people have lives... wait. Actually, all of those people have lives... all of those people don't live here with me.

And then there's the others that say how much I can come to them... how they love ME for ME yet they only come around when I'm going to a show or I post new photos. Do you know how many people comment or "like" my photography outside of 100 Monkeys? Like... 2 people. I wonder if people even look at it.

You know, my last post I said that I was speaking to the whole four of you that read it and I was surprised that I got a few comments -- I know there's those out there who read but don't comment... I appreciate all of you too...

This was just something I wanted to talk about for a while -- not bitching about the life that I have made for myself - I honestly wouldn't trade it for anything... and perhaps it's better that I have the close friends that I do - most of them are artists and can understand the artists life. It's good to have those ears to listen to me and those shoulders to lean on when I need them.

I love all my friends... situational or not. :)

Photo of the day:

Photo of the Bay Bridge that I took in San Francisco. Reminds me of my mama.

I'm Trying To Build A Wall

"My faith ain't been no friend to me, 
And the way I've sinned is hanging off of me..."

I wonder just how "emo" I could get before people either deleted me, stopped talking to me or told me to grow the fuck up... It would be interesting to see.

My heart doesn't matter. It is irrelevant in the game of life.

I do not understand people... humans... others. How are we supposed to do this? There are only a few... very small handful of people on this earth that I truly care about and I believe there are less than that who actually care for me.

You know what humans care about? THEMSELVES.

Listen, let me tell you something -- the sooner you figure this shit out, the better -- NO ONE CARES ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY. They only listen so they can wait for their turn to talk. You may *THINK* they care about you - you may *THINK* that they listen to you, but you're naive. Even in their response, they will say something back to YOU about THEMSELVES.

I actually listen to what [some] people say and give my honest response back that has nothing to do with me... Perhaps some people think it's about relation... they feel like if you know that they can relate that that will make you feel better. But you know what, that doesn't make me feel better -- that makes me feel like you're just talking about yourself... and if we're talking about you? That's fine... let's talk about you... but don't ask me how I am and have me tell you just so you can barely respond or go back to talking about you.

If you wanna talk about you, then at least fucking own up to it.

That's not even really what this is about... you know... that's not how this blog got started.

This blog is about so, so much... and yet... by the time that you're done reading it all - you will not know what it's really about. That sucks, doesn't it?

Do you cringe at memories? How about memories that you've just made up in your mind? About people that you've never met? Places that you've never been?

I think there's something wrong with me... and with that... who wants someone so fucked up? You know, I tend to like the "weird" and "strange" ones... my step mom said once that anyone can find someone "normal", but it takes talent to get a weird one... I agree with that... but, does anyone else want a weird one? And how about someone weird like me?

I really don't know anything right now.

Forgive how scattered this is. I know it must not make sense whatsoever, but I have no one else to talk to, so if you're reading this - then I'm talking to you. Thanks for listening.

I left my phone at home today. Intentionally.

I've felt like I am on the brink of tears all day long.

Pictures? Photos always make me feel better... well, depending on the subject. Sometimes the subject makes me even more sad.

Subject? Lens flares. Lens flares make me happy.

We're Going Down

"Am I more than you bargained for yet?

I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear,

Cuz that's just who I am this week..."

Ahh, Las Vegas... How I love thee, how I loathe thee... I wish that Las Vegas was a secret city that only a select few knew about and how awesome it is... I feel Chicago is very much like that. Most people have no idea how awesome it is...

Most of the time people don't know how awesome Las Vegas is, so it's always fucking fantastic to find someone who loves it just as hard as you do. [Insert sly eyebrow raise here...]

However, apparently EVERYONE knows how awesome Vegas is at the moment. After Tulsa we all (Jenn, Willow and I) decided that "fuck yes, we're going to see Monkeys in Vegas..."

Mnkys + Vegas = An awesome time that I will not remember the next day = WIN!

So we bought our plane tickets to Vegas, bought our Mnky show tickets and decided it wasn't THAT important that we go see the first Monkeys show... it starts at noon, meanwhile our plane literally lands AT noon... No biggie... We'd just go to the 21+ show later that night. (Those are more fun anyhow. *nods once*)

We didn't buy our return home plane tickets yet and I noticed on Southwest they were freaking edging us out... first the 1st went up to $281... that's fine, that's fine... we'll fly home the 2nd. So this morning I go to buy the return home tickets and the 2nd was $281... Well, fuck my life... so I'm staying in Vegas until the 3rd and meanwhile Jennifer is trying to either find a Greyhound or another airline... it's kinda becoming a pain in mah ass.

And then... last night I was on the computer and was just click, click, clicking things and totally decided that if the Monkeys and I are in Vegas at the same time that I HAVE TO SEE THEM. The end. So then we decided that we would not check baggage, get off the plane and fucking RUN to the Hard Rock in order to make it to the first show. :) That's love, boys... I don't run for anyone.

So we may not have everything all planned out, but who gives a shit. It's VEGAS. It's MONKEYS. Monkeys IN Vegas. The end. It doesn't get better than that... I'm freaking stokeeeeed and soo ready. 10 days.

We still have HELLA free VIP passes to Vegas clubs. I do believe we're hitting up Coyote Ugly again for Jennifer's birthday. :] T'will be greatness.

Dontcha wish your Larry was an Uncle, like mine...?

For The Girl

You know, you have the life.

You live the life you like, you have the man you want.

Nothing can stop you. Nothing can break you or bring you down.

You're able to look at things objectively and see the positive in almost everything.

Meanwhile...

Meanwhile I'm dark and twisty. I try to smile, but people take it the wrong way.

Thoughts and people consume me to an unhealthy level.

I adore the feeling of pills and knives, only for the reasons of control.

I can't control anything; I can't control life.

I never thought that I had a problem or issue with control... not until recently, anyway.

I let worry flood my mind, forcing all of the so-called "happiness" out of me.

Pink. Hearts. Happy faces.

Merely a facade to keep everyone from constantly inquiring "what's wrong?"

What's wrong... what's wrong?

If I could only tell you.

Why You Wanna Bring Me Down?

If life is made for living and it's based of the goods and bads of karma - why do people feel the need to push the "fuck your life" button?

When someone's life if going right, why can't they just keep it that way? Why can't they just let someone ride out a high and... I don't know... uh... be *happy* for them?

You know, I've done some wrong in this life and I'm really trying to set myself straight -- I have burned some bridges and I feel terrible about each and every one of them, I truly do. I would set it all right and apologize to their faces if I thought that it would change anything or cause peace, but I know better. I know that by speaking to these people it would just set off a chain of events called "DRAMA". The people that I've burned bridges with are good at that...

But I don't understand why they just won't leave me alone. I don't enter their lives, I don't even mention them in small talk or casual conversation... why can't they grant me the same gift?

I suppose I should be something like "flattered" that they still think of me, however I'm bothered that they still bother me and try and press my buttons.

I used to want everyone to like me, I used to want acceptance. Then I woke up and realized that was never going to exist. The best that I can do is do the best for myself, take what I was given and try to get through life smiling or faking it.

Please know that words hurt others. Maybe words have never hurt you, so maybe you're the one who does the hurting. Someday, I have faith, the tables will turn and you'll get hurt by someone's careless choice of words... then maybe you'll take the time to see that it's not all peaches and cream and that you were wrong.

...Or perhaps no one will ever hurt you and you'll continue to go about your peaceful existence. That would be fine too. I suppose as long as I have pain, I'll have art. That is something that these *bridges* don't have.

The Massive Post

"and when I woke up, you were by my side..."

Two days without sleep. The first night I was just wide awake all night and I didn't even try to sleep. Last night I actually attempted it. Finally this morning I slept for a whole 30 minutes before being awoken violently by my dreams... which I will not share.

Lately it's just been agony to close my eyes. Every time I close my eyes, or turn off my music, turn off a movie -- have just a moment of peace and silence, I find myself traveling down roads I never wanted to venture down again, reliving memories - searching for different endings, horrible endings... my mind is... horrible. I really wish I could take my brain out, rinse it with bleach and stick it back in - start over.

I've always said my memories were my most valuable possession, but I do love sleep. Would it be worth it to lose all my memories if I could rest easily and never have a worry or care in the world? I don't know. I don't know what I would do if I was faced with that opportunity.

I've always had trouble sleeping. I don't know why it's been just so much harder as of late.

I've been watching a lot of movies lately... trying to take my mind off of things. Watched Dread, as I blogged out... watched it again last night with Jennifer and then we watched The Nightmare Before Christmas. :) [[heart]]

Today I'm going to watch Walk The Line and S. Darko. :)

So... I still have yet to send Christmas cards. Bugs me. I feel bad... what's worse is that I don't know if we can even afford to send Christmas cards... terrible, right? I know there's going to be one person in Tennessee who will literally think I hate them and never want to talk to them if they don't get a Christmas card. So I guess I have to find at least enough for one stamp.

No one gets Christmas presents this year. Can't afford them. Was going to get everyone cards... but while I paid $5 for my box of 18 cards, I can't afford the stamps.

I guess that's what we get for moving this close to Christmas.

I would like to lump this all together and say "2009 sucked." But... well... wait... upon further observation... 2009 DID suck. It was a shitty year with a few good moments, but nothing more. I can literally think of 2 good things that happened this year. I met Willow. I met Monkeys. If you would like to add to that list, if you can find something else spectacular that happened, then please, by all means, add to the list.

The year started out horrible. Not even 30 minutes into the New Year and I knew this year was going to be hard. It's times like that that make me have no faith in my own survival. Speaking of which, I only had two suicide attempts this year. That number decreased from 2008.

We moved three times this year. Jennifer broke every single promise she made to me about moving... I won't put her on blast here about that...

Listen, I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer here, I'm just being honest. Honest. This isn't a pity party for one - I'm literally just blogging about my life. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't want that.

Let's see, what plans do I have for 2010? Well, on New Years Eve Jennifer and I will have officially known each other for 10 years. I guess that deserves it's own massive blog, eh? We're going down to the Power and Light District... which... well... err... every time I go down there I end up getting waay too drunk and someone has to carry me home, so either that's what's going to happen or I'll "pace" myself. I assume it's going to be the first one, seeing as how it's a holiday and all.

At midnight they're shooting off a cannon full of $5000. Reckon I'll try and grab $5 so I can buy myself a drink. We'll probably end up partying at The Shark Bar. We LOVED it there on St. Patrick's Day - they only play 90s music. (Or at least, that's what they did for SPD.)

As far as the rest of 2010 goes, my goals are: learn guitar, take more photos, be honest, lose weight (rolls eyes), no suicide attempts, only move once, take better care of Bella, travel more.

Tomorrow my dad is picking me up to drive me back to Wamego so I can have Christmas there. Jennifer is driving down on Christmas to spend some time with us and then to drive me back home with her... I don't think I'll take Bella down there this year. First of all, her nails are facking long and I'll catch flack for that. (Can't find her clippers.) And secondly, I hate hovering over here the whole damn time to make sure she doesn't get into anything. It's different at my own house... so maybe Jennifer can bring her down on Christmas so my step mom can see her. (If I clip her nails and give her a bath before then.)

I'm nervous for Christmas.

I always feel terrible showing up anywhere empty handed, let alone on Christmas. I burned my parents some CDs...? I don't think that counts as a "gift".

Tell me something, does life ever get easier? No? Didn't expect it to, was just wondering. (I guess it's my own fault and I could make it "easier" if I wanted to. Financially speaking, of course... but it's all more money, more problems. I would rather be poor and happy than "comfortable" and miserable...)

Pic of the Day:

Happy 25th Birthday, Jay! :)

I'm so proud you celebrated it the right way by taking it to Vegas!

Breathe, Keep Breathing

"Let you choke... let you choke..."

So I asked people on Twitter and Facebook what I should make a film about and I got one response... Megan said I should make a film about a day in the life of Bella. (My dog.) So basically that would be 9 minutes of sleeping, 30 seconds of eating, 20 seconds of playing and 10 seconds of pooping. Not something anyone would want to see...

I text Jennifer today and MADE her give me a suggestion. She said obsessions/addictions (because, you know... that's what comes to her mind when she thinks of me.) And so I've started my film... not exactly on that topic, but almost close.

I'll let you know when I've got it finished.

Loving the HD video setting on my new camera. *BLISS*

Drank last night... that was... almost fun.

Was supposed to be for my the tail end of my birthday, but it kinda blew. I just sat there refreshing Twitter while Jennifer was texting. Ultimate fail. We ended up watching Push and I passed out... I did make good drinks, however. So that's a plus.

I have not been feeling myself lately, I guess. It's been coming through in photographs as well. As a photographer you evaluate every picture that you see, well, I already do that when I see a photo of myself -- I judge it very harshly -- but it had been a minute since I had taken photos of myself, so I tried to do that today and 98% of them came out craptastic. The look on my face just... just wasn't "Jodie".

I guess I'll wait a few days and try again. Don't think there's anything wrong, per se... just apparently my face isn't cooperating with my camera.

Tonight I'm supposed to chat chat chat with Jessie and Willow. :) Looking forward to that. Also tonight I'm apparently supposed to go look at this thingymajigger with Jennifer... should be fun to be 2 places at the same time. (They just slightly overlap each other.)

One of my favorite photos I took today...

Yep, those are my legs.

[Insert Blog Title Of Your Choice Here]

"I can see straight through you,

Right to the other side,

There's something that you could do,

But then you'd have to try..."

Today was a hard day.

I had to wake up at 730a.

I don't like that very much.

Catfish had to have her water at 8a... Jane McConnell came over to help me with it this morning. I love Jane. She's truly saved my mothers life and Pam just adores her... I'm glad that they have her in their lives. She's a beautiful soul.

Catfish had a hard day... won't go into all that... *shaking my head*

I took a long nap.

Haven't been sleeping well... dreaming too lucid.

I'm exhausted.

I'm drained.

I'm supposed to be on "vacation", but this is the hardest work that I've ever done in my life.

I HAVE to keep this cat alive. I don't have a choice.

Tonight hasn't been easy, my heart is aching and bruised... My body and mind don't know what to feel, they don't know if they should feel filled with love or hollow and empty.

I'm over it.

Is it New Moon time yet?

Is it the new year yet?

I'm over it.

Lonliness

[blogger's photo uploader was down, picture a pretty icon here]

The icon that I used for my last post, earlier today, was quite accurate. "The loneliness is temporary."

The past few days while I've been here at my Mama's place, I have felt incredibly lonely.

It's not so much as not being able to talk to anyone... I have people that I text... that's not filling this aching void I've been feeling. Today has been worse than the other days. I feel like I'm near tears, that the tear in my chest is slowly getting bigger and I can't place it... I don't know exactly why its here or where it came from.

I'm in need of human contact. I think that could be part of it. I miss my dog, cat's are anti-social and independent, plus I'm deathly allergic to them, so I maintain my distance from them unless I'm administering medication... that could be another part.

Perhaps part of it is change? My birthday? I really don't know... I wouldn't know where to start if I tried to find out the sole cause for this, but I truly don't know.

I just know that I feel empty... Lonely is the best word I have for what I'm feeling at the moment... and the people that could fill this void, this hole in me... they're thousands of miles away, making this ache seem larger than life.

Ironically, I am not feeling depressed or sad. Those are usually common feelings for myself. I've noticed that lately I've been very self-aware, which is rare for... well, anyone, but especially myself. I'm not sad, depressed or even feeling anti-social... I'm just feeling lonely, disconnected from myself and empty, achy.

*shrugging*

Doo-Bee-Di

"She said my name like it was her breath,

And she needed it to survive..."

Few days ago I made a mistake that I swore I would never make again... I was sleeping, I "dreamt" of a song lyric - it was so simple, perfect rhythm and rhyme and yet I swore that I would remember it when I awoke so I didn't write it down... just like the rest of my dreams, thoughts and memories, it faded and now it's forever lost.

I'm on my 2nd day here at my Mama's house... the cats are still alive, the house hasn't burned down yet...

I don't like giving Catfish her IV. I know that I HAVE to or else she'll die, but it's so hard for me to poke a 14 gauge needle into a cat... that just... I can't do it... I mean, I do it, I've given her the IV four times now, but it's just... it's so hard.

Earlier this morning I was writing in my journal and I came across a few thoughts... first of all, no matter how hard I try to be honest with my journal, it's hard for me... What's the point then, you should ask. What's the point in writing in a journal if you're not going to be honest?

I guess there's a lot of my life that I just leave out of my journal. I wish that I had the patience and utter selflessness, honesty to write everything down exactly as it happens... there have been times that I've written in my journal and gone back to read things that happened several years ago and I had honestly forgotten that they happened. So then if I leave things out of my journal now, things that I may believe that I'll remember forever, mundane things like details - I could potentially lose them forever.

My thoughts are precious, I don't share them often. Not my true thoughts. I hardly even share them with myself because I know that I'm crazy. The way I get to conclusions is ridiculous... if you were inside my mind for one day you would kill yourself by lunch time.

Speaking of which, I had a piece of Gouda cheese for lunch and it was exquisite.

But why lie, Jodie? Why lie to your journal?

You see, I lie to my journal because of 3 reasons.

1- I'm lying to myself. I can change the smallest details of how things happened when I write it in my journal. No one will ever be the wiser.

2- I'm paranoid. I can't go into that as much as I would like, but I'll just say that I constantly think that someone will read it.

3- I know that eventually someone WILL read my diaries... Whether someone happens upon them and they read them, or when I die... they WILL get read... unless I burn them, which I don't plan on doing because my memory already isn't so great, (the ADD, I blame.) so I can't afford to lose the things that are written inside of these books.

This thought is still incomplete, just something I thought I would share.

Picture of the Day:

Mr. Jackson Rathbone at the premiere of New Moon last night in Hollywood. Smiling. :)

I heard everyone bitching that Rob showed up with stubble... (which, I think he looked sexy as hell with the stubble, thankyouverymuch) But Jackson shaved for the premiere! I'm really ambivalent when it comes to his facial hair (as well as the hair on his head -- it's HIS choice!!) -- but I do think the long side burns look good on him. Not too many people can actually pull that off.

His suit? His suit looked fantastic. Definitely different, which I appreciate and HE wore it, it didn't wear HIM.

I didn't see many pictures of him smiling wide or laughing, but that by far is his greatest accessory. :)

I am definitely uber proud of that man.