Trash Me

...everything is disposable... but, not people. 

For those of you who know me or actually read my blog, you know that I am a far more sensitive person than people will ever see or realize.

There's a giant gap of miscommunication here and no matter what I say (or don't say) it will never be cleared up. People make their opinions and they stand by them. So, while it's hard for me to realize that I am now a "public figure" and people are going to talk, gossip and make up shit about me... it's hard for others to realize that just because I am a "public figure" now that doesn't mean that I stopped being a human.

I do not regret. I wished and it came true. Be careful what you wish for.

For those who do support me and my photography; my art; my career - to you I will hold a place deep inside my heart for the rest of my life. You are far more appreciated than you will ever realize and I truly do love you. Thank you.

I have surrounded myself with good people that I can rely on for words or wisdom and support. These people mean everything to me and they keep me happy, focused and alive (in every sense of the word).

I didn't write this, but it's something that has touched me for a very long time. It was written by model Gia and I've always been drawn to it for no specific reason, now I see just how true it rings for my life.

Life and death, energy and peace...

If I stopped today, it was still worth it. 

Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could...

The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul... it was worth it. 

For having been allowed to walk where I've walked... 

Which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above... 

Picture of the day:

...Just To Hear About Your Day

"She's got both hands in her pockets, 
And she won't look at you, won't look at you..."

Thank you so much for the support that I received for my last blog, both on here and on Twitter in @'s and DM's. I cannot believe such an amazing group of people took the time to care about me. It goes beyond what my words can express to you. Thank you.

Also thank you and a quick shout out to Lorelei for making me aware that 100 Monkeys had answered THREE of my questions in the new Portrait Magazine article!

Willow called me this morning to inform me that the article had posted and that they answered a question from me... we had a moment gabbing and somehow I missed the fact that they answered THREE of my questions. (I submitted three because I just really wanted ONE of them to get answered! I had no idea they would use all three.)

Here's my questions and the answers they gave:

(Question from Jodie) 

We all know that you do your "Monkey Switcharoo" at each show and you've said that some people play some instruments perhaps not "better", but differently, adding to the song in which they're playing. My question is do you favor any instruments over others and since you swap instruments after nearly every song live, do you ever blank on what you're playing/about to play or does the Monkey Switcharoo keep you on your toes for performances? 

I've definitely reached for one instrument onstage and found it already in someone else's hands. Wait, which song that I play that on? It definitely keeps you on your toes. Some of us are stronger on certain instruments in certain ways, but it's all about the best arrangement for the particular song.

(Question from Jodie) 

Is the 100 city tour going the way that you imagined it? Is it harder/easier, more fun/more draining than you imagined it would be? 

It's very fun, challenging, and rewarding. It's tiring, but there's nothing like rolling into a new city and loading gear into a new venue, for a new crowd you haven't even met yet.

(Question from Jodie) 

Where are you looking forward to going most on the tour? 

Every place we are going. Seriously, every place is different and has it's little quirks, and it's a pleasure to experience all of them.

Pretty neat that they took the time to answer my questions. (I really wish on the last question they said, "Kansas City, duh!" XD Kidding, kidding...)

Moving onto something else for a bit, will come back to talk about something Monkey at the end of this blog...

A while ago (several weeks, possibly a month or even more -- time is a strange thing for me. I can't really keep track of it...) my Mama said that she was getting "new" furniture from some of our family. (They were retiring and selling their things.) So then she asked if I wanted her futon couch and futon chair. Of course I said YES! (With an exclamation point at the end, just like that...)

So then it snowed and stuff, got really cold and gross and we couldn't ever get everything moved... Finally this week I went and helped her get her new furniture and yesterday I moved my new furniture into my place. The chair was no problem but the futon couch was a fucking bitch.

We didn't take it apart because it's an even bigger bitch to put together so Jennifer and I are hauling it up the stairs and I'm yelling at her, "you have to lift! Lift it!" When two people who live downstairs came out and helped us get it up the stairs and around a lame corner into our apartment. Even with four people it was hard, I have no idea how Jennifer and I would have gotten it upstairs with just us.

So then Jennifer leaves (she was almost an hour late to work) and I'm sitting here with all this random furniture in my place, out of order, leaning half on all my shit... so I couldn't stand that, put on some Lady Gaga and moved the entire room around. It wasn't so bad, not that hard... I could lift the massive futon couch around the living room all by myself with no trouble.

I love rearranging my furniture. I cannot come home to the same thing everyday for forever. (As far as furniture goes, I much like coming home to the same, say, people and dog...) The TV, my guitar and amp are now on the opposite side of the room, the futon couch now sits where the TV used to... blah blah blah... I'll take pics of it all here in a bit. :) If you care.

I need to hang my photos. The only thing on the walls are Christmas lights... I need to nest and settle. I guess we're going to be here for a while... *heavy sigh*

So...

Tomorrow I'm going to see the Monkeys. It will be my 10th show. I'm not sure what it is, but something is wrong with me -- usually by now I am massive amounts of excited to see "my boys" but in all honesty, it doesn't even feel like I'm going.

I really can't explain it.

The countdown on my desktop says "Tomorrow is Monkeys!", I am aware that tomorrow I will be in Des Moines for the boys, but for whatever strange reason, my mind isn't comprehending this. I talked in a previous blog about things "hitting me" but this isn't even like - I mean I literally am not GETTING that tomorrow I'm going.

I'm numb.

Being numb is a very scary thing...

Poor Willow has been trying to help me with this all day long, no one understands me like she does... poor thing. She's been trying so hard and I'm still just NOT. GETTING. IT.

So much so that I have not gotten anything ready for tomorrow: I haven't waxed my eyebrows, picked out an outfit, done laundry, written cards, bought duct tape or even my traditional lighter... Nothing. Nothing...

Now I'm scared that this is some giant sign from the universe about something... I don't want to listen.

I should not have been this honest on here knowing who all reads this... but, for whatever reason, I can't bring myself to delete it...

Let's just quit this crazy talk and get some dessert.

Picture of the Day:

I've mentioned it to Willow and Jennifer, but now it's time to tell y'all - tomorrow's concert will be shot entirely in black and white. :)


[I'm still hoping Jay gets the memo and wears a tie tomorrow. Just cuz.]

Why You Wanna Bring Me Down?

If life is made for living and it's based of the goods and bads of karma - why do people feel the need to push the "fuck your life" button?

When someone's life if going right, why can't they just keep it that way? Why can't they just let someone ride out a high and... I don't know... uh... be *happy* for them?

You know, I've done some wrong in this life and I'm really trying to set myself straight -- I have burned some bridges and I feel terrible about each and every one of them, I truly do. I would set it all right and apologize to their faces if I thought that it would change anything or cause peace, but I know better. I know that by speaking to these people it would just set off a chain of events called "DRAMA". The people that I've burned bridges with are good at that...

But I don't understand why they just won't leave me alone. I don't enter their lives, I don't even mention them in small talk or casual conversation... why can't they grant me the same gift?

I suppose I should be something like "flattered" that they still think of me, however I'm bothered that they still bother me and try and press my buttons.

I used to want everyone to like me, I used to want acceptance. Then I woke up and realized that was never going to exist. The best that I can do is do the best for myself, take what I was given and try to get through life smiling or faking it.

Please know that words hurt others. Maybe words have never hurt you, so maybe you're the one who does the hurting. Someday, I have faith, the tables will turn and you'll get hurt by someone's careless choice of words... then maybe you'll take the time to see that it's not all peaches and cream and that you were wrong.

...Or perhaps no one will ever hurt you and you'll continue to go about your peaceful existence. That would be fine too. I suppose as long as I have pain, I'll have art. That is something that these *bridges* don't have.