[Worthy Title About Nothing]

"Feeling better now that we're through, 
Feeling better cuz I'm over you, 
I learned my lesson; it left a scar,
Now I see how you really are..." 

I suppose there'a been a lot of changes happening to me lately... some I am not ready to admit... some I can't hold inside for a moment longer.

When you're six and you've got your favorite long sleeved winter shirt... you love it... you want to live in it... you never want to wash it and you want to wear it to school every day... when you're seven you go back to that shirt that you loved so much the previous year -- you still love it just as much -- you're super excited to put it on and this year it doesn't quite fit the same as it did last year. Though it's a little small and a tad uncomfortable - you're not ready to give it up yet... so you wear it. Another year passes and you're eight now... the shirt no longer fits and though it's hard and it hurts - you give it up.

I'm seven right now. I know what's coming... but for right now, I'd like to wear my slightly-uncomfortable shirt and pretend like it still fits.

I feel like I'm starting to outgrow a lot of things in my life. It's painful to watch.

I also feel like a lot of things are starting to outgrow *me*.

Yesterday I cleaned the bathroom - I maaay have used too much bleach. I got a swimming headache afterwards, but that wasn't the strangest thing... What was really weird is that I got insanely hyper. More so than I had been since I was a teenager. I couldn't calm down at all. It was a little strange. I didn't know what to do with all of my energy. Crazy.

I'm insanely bored.

...

I think I'm getting excited for the Monkey tour. I think. 19 days or something like that until I go to see them. I am completely unprepared. I have nothing planned and no tickets bought... I don't know what I'm going to wear or who I'm seeing where. I do have a couple photoshoots planned, so that makes me happy-time... but other than that, nothing is really settled... though... I am really looking forward to going back to Kansas City for the show there!!

Insane how excited I am for that. :) Very excited. I haven't seen KC or my people there since September when I left... I am forcing my mama to come to the show with me... it looks like it may be my only time with her while I'm there...

Also excited for the California leg of the tour... but that's something I'll talk about later and closer to all of this...

Bored.

Bored.

I'm a bore.

I Knew I Forgot Something...

"You hold your head up to the sky you say 'what kind of blue are you?'

Then you ride a pony 'round and 'round it's digging a hole right through, 

You stumble down the Yellow Brick Road spinning your shoes in the air, 

Then you hold your breath and count to nine, 

Hoping that soon somebody will find you..." 

Yesterday I didn't touch my computer at all... so, it's not a surprise that I forgot to blog. Hopefully I can "make up" for that today by blogging something seriousfull.

Of course I had to decide to do this whole blog-everyday-thing now... when I'm wanting nothing more than to hide my head in sand.

I have appreciated the emails of confidence and help plus the lovely texts from all you beautiful people. Perhaps it's best that I force myself to do this so that I don't completely fade away.

Yesterday I went to the mall for 7 hours while Jennifer was at work. I listened to my iPod until it died, just watching the people pass by. Strangest thing - people are lovely when you don't have to hear them and you aren't in a rush to get anywhere specific... it's nice to have your own soundtrack to their fuckery.

The first place that I went was to the Borders book store in the mall. I had planned on stopping for coffee at Starbucks beforehand, but I'm glad that I waited because it turns out they had a Seattle's Best in the Borders! I got a coffee and told the barista boy that I was surprised to see one this far South... then of course, I've just moved to Houston. He said there were four or five in the area and one in every Borders... oh well... I'm clearly a regular at Starbucks and Barnes and Noble.

The first time that I had Seattle's Best was in the Denver airport on the way to Seattle, actually. Last June... unfortunately my iced coffee had grounds in the bottom of the cup and I ranted to Twitter that if you're going to call yourself "Seattle's BEST" that you maybe should keep up with that trend...

That would be a hard thing to do... while I can understand wanting to name your coffee "Seattle's Best", you'd think that it would be a reflection of your product -- which, I'm sure it is... but for me being a first time drinker at that time and to find grounds in my coffee - it didn't set the impression bar very high.

I'm kind of a coffee snob. Yep, I'll admit it.

But... yesterday's coffee was in fact Seattle's "best". I quite enjoyed it. The cute barista boy brewed it fresh for me. :) It's impressive what a little niceness and a smile will get you. (I wasn't even wearing makeup!)

I wandered around Border's and was in search of a photography or a psychology book... instead I found neither; I found Cobain Unseen - a book with insight into Kurt Cobain's belongings. Obviously I bought it.

I bought Kurt Cobain's journals book back in 2002 when it was released... unfortunately I'm not sure where that book is now... I suppose it's either lost or back in Kansas City. I will re-buy it if it's lost... that's a book that I miss.

This book talks about Kurt's connection to his material things... it has exclusive photos from the Kurt Cobain Estate -- (all of his possessions are in a high security locker in Olympia, WA now...) It was really quite fascinating. I learned a lot about him that I didn't know yet. Of course, I'll be honest... I never really studied Kurt - he fascinated me just the way he was and I never felt the urge to really search him further. I sort of took him as he was and kept it at that. So, it was nice to learn about him, parts of his childhood, his psyche, his multiple attempts at suicide and how he always knew his fate.

He didn't seem like a person who had a low and decided to take his life. To me, he reminds me of the center person that they followed in the documentary The Bridge (documentary about people who take their lives by jumping from the Golden Gate -- it's on Hulu.com for free, please go watch it) -- the guy they follow through the entire film and keep going back to was chronically depressed and always knew he wasn't going to "make it" long in life. He always referenced suicide and said that's how he would die. His family had even come to terms with it... Hearing more about Kurt really reminded me of this...

Also I learned that just a few months before Kurt's death that while in Rome with Nirvana he took 20 Rohypnol pills and washed them down with a bottle of champagne; citing Shakespeare in his suicide note. 2 things -- why Rohypnol?!! And if you're a druggie who has been contemplating suicide your entire life, you should have "known better" than to use Rohypnol. Though it seems like it was a legit attempt at suicide, at the same time, I can't imagine that he was serious...

Then again... I don't know Kurt.

Moving on... (otherwise I'll talk about this book and the ins and outs of it forever...)

Something strange about yesterday's events was that while I was waiting for Jennifer to get her lunch break I was sitting at a table reading my new book, listening to my headphones with three beverages in front of me... random people kept sitting in the chair across from me.

Now, I've said before and I'll continue to say many, many times here-over, I AM ALL ABOUT MANNERS! Perhaps in those manners would be "do not sit with strangers". An amendment to that would be to at least ASK the stranger before plopping down in front of them.

It's no secret that I've been depressed the past few days and by wanting to go out to the mall and be *near* people - that was my way of not... shall we say... going off the deep end. But, that doesn't mean that I wish to sit with people!

For those who don't know me, you should be made aware that I basically keep to myself. My phone doesn't go off much - it never rings - and I'm not the person who stands behind you in the line at Target and makes conversation. While I am very friendly, I don't go out of my way to be social. If you ask those who I am close with - they will tell you that I am pretty quiet. (Other than my loud music... but hey, that drowns out people talking.)

Unfortunately, I feel like my online persona is much more interesting than I really am in real life. Yes, when I'm with the boys I talk and engage... but that's probably a different thing for a different day... they're a rare exception to most rules, I've found.

Regardless, I found it to be quite rude that these strangers sat with me. More than one person on more than one occasion! I ended up pulling the chairs in very close to me and sticking my feet on them. No, you may not sit here.

As I said in a blog entry, probably dated back in September... my manners are almost to a fault at times. There are times when I shouldn't be so capped by them... but I find it best to have too-good of manners than too few.

At least I know that's something that my children will have -- good manners. Unruly children are absolutely frightening. Don't you know that your children are a reflection of you?

...I suppose I should stop there...

Plans for this week:

Get over it.
Move on.
Start diet.
Find other meanings to life.
Contemplate new hair colors.
Remember to blog.

Picture of the Day:

You're One Of Us

"All that I need is the air that I breathe, 

And all that I need are things I don't need, 

And all that really matters is what matters to me..."



Lyrics of the day by Blind Melon and could not be more true. Think about that for a while. Put it in your juice box and suck it.

This is a blog that I've been meaning to write since the very beginning of the year... and since I do not have my cheat sheet piece of paper, I hope that I can remember it all.

I documented each place that I traveled in 2010 and was pretty astounded. I believe there was only one month out of the year that I didn't travel: May. And you know what? Fuck May.

January: Tulsa, Las Vegas.
February: LA.
March: Des Moines, STL, Louisville.
April: Nashville, Birmingham, Memphis, Little Rock, Dallas.
June: Seattle.
July: LA, Scottsdale, Las Vegas, San Diego, San Francisco.
August: Detroit.
October: Baton Rouge.
November: Baton Rouge (Several times.)
December: Baton Rouge, Atlanta, Birmingham, New Orleans, Houston, Dallas, Austin...

(And then of course at the beginning of my 2011 tally for cities traveled is Mission and San Antonio...)

Looks like I also didn't go anywhere in September, which makes sense because that's when I moved from Kansas City.

I definitely love to travel. I honestly wouldn't trade this life for anything in the whole wide world. No amount of money... no amount of bribery... there's honestly only one thing that will ever get me to stop and I will never say it out loud.

Picture of the day:

Say No More

"Surrounded by familiar faces with no names, 

None of them know me or want to share my pain, 

They only wish to bask in my light then fade away, 

To win my love, to them a game, 

To watch me live my life in vain, 

When all is done and the glitter fades away..." 

 
My blog "Situational Friendship" was quite popular. I got 7 comments, which is pretty high for me (sadly), thus I can't even imagine how many people read it. I don't have a counter on my blog or I'd be obsessed with it. I also don't have a tracker on my blog, or I'd be obsessed with it...

Regardless...

Most of the comments were positive and supportive... understanding...

However there was one anonymous comment that I wanted to respond to on here.

Comment: First of all, I'm not spamming nor am I trolling your blog. You don't know me from the next person in a crowded place, but I have been in your presence a few times. And for what it's worth, I've made an attempt to befriend you. Not because I'm interested in who you know and how you know them, but because I try my best to treat people the way I'd like to be treated.

You have a very large wall put up. And from behind that wall you tend to throw harsh words and criticisms to people who may not feel the same way you do about things. It seems to me that you isolate yourself away from other people because of the people you know - but how can you possibly know if that's what people want from you if you don't give them a chance?

Some people are fucking ignorant, I have no doubt in my mind. And the others? The genuine people who'd like to know the person behind the camera? Well, some of them are a bit put off, I won't lie. At the end of the day, no one is better than anyone - we're all people with fears, hopes, dreams and trust issues.

Micky immediately responded (without prompting from me) and said: To Anonymous:

I think what you said was nicely put...and for that maturity, I commend you.

When I first met Jodie, I had heard all of the stories before about supposed attitude, or "nasty looks" from her.

However, I walked right up to her, drunkenly threw my arm around her, and said, "I want you to sing a song with me!"

It was instant. It was genuine. And neither one of us batted an eyelash.

I'm not one to listen to people's opinions and just believe them...but yes, some people are put off by Jodie. Just as most people are put off by me.

They see confidence and confuse it with cockiness. They see insecurity and confuse it with attention-seeking. They see talent and they confuse it with entitlement. They see kindness and confuse it with weakness.

I don't really know why everyone has insisted that it's so difficult to befriend Jodie...it really isn't.

Genuine intentions speak volumes, and so do ingenuous intentions.

Maybe we should all just not come at each other with preconceived notions...and just wipe the slate clean.

It was very nicely put and mature. I really appreciate the fact that this person was able to stay level headed and not just bash me or use their "adult words" because I have seemingly overlooked them.

To this anonymous person I say -- for starters, I apologize to you that I have made you feel anything less than special. Yes, I do have a very large wall built -- and it's been put there for a reason. I was once a naive and over-trusting person and that landed me nowhere. It landed me in bad situations and bad situational friendships. It landed me in places where my so-called-friends used me for everything that they thought that I was worth and then they tossed me aside. So now that you know that, perhaps you can understand that wall and why it's there.

It's there from previous years before Monkeys and it's there because of the few "bad apples" I've met because of Monkeys. Some people are great actors -- some people will say and do anything to get you to trust them and then they fuck you over and you're the idiot standing there robbed saying, "I should have known better"... I know that this is not all people - but it's happened to me more times than I care to share, and unfortunately, the wall grows higher and then the good people with genuine intentions are forced to scale it. For some it's easy... others give up.

Like Micky said - it's not impossible to get around. There isn't an application to be my friend... there isn't someone better suited for the position than not, it's mostly just trust. If you trust me and I trust you -- then there it is. Honesty, I believe is the best way to get that across.

I actually had no idea that I had a reputation as... whatever it is that my reputation is. Honestly, I am a very insecure person - honestly, I feign most of my confidence, but in feigning it I feel like it *actually* gives me some. I tend to hide behind my camera and that wall that I've built, but you know what? In that instant that Micky threw her drunken arm around me, both of our walls vanished because there were no ego's, there were no ulterior motives... there was just honesty and yes, we both were in a vulnerable position at that moment. She could have used me and I could have used her... but because we're both honest and good people, thankfully we have a lifelong REAL friendship that blossomed out of that.

I am more than apt to giving people chances, and I'd be more than happy to get to know you if you choose to unveil yourself. (Privately, of course.)

Please don't think I overlooked any part of your comment -- if I have, please let me know and I'd be happy to address any of it. I am not ashamed of it or anything that you have to say.

Yes, I do isolate myself and like I mentioned, I hide behind my camera and that big huge wall... but hopefully now you're able to see the reasons *why* I do those things...

And another thing... you can't always believe everything that you hear. I've had 2 people who were "brave enough" to befriend me after they heard... whatever it was that they heard... and they happily dispelled other rumors to their friends. Of course, both of those people were people that I had heard things about as well... and you know, in such a tight, close knit circle, it's hard not to believe the shit that people say about other people. But... the rumors about those two people were not true on my end either.

I'm more than happy to give people chances. Honestly. Most of them just never give me the chance to...

Of all the times that people have said that I've hurt their feelings I've more than apologized. If you knew me then you would know that I cannot stand the thought of hurting people's feelings. I don't tend to come out and say exactly what I mean for fear that people won't like what it is that I have to say...

I really wish those who didn't like me knew how much time I spend thinking about why people don't like me. How much it hurts me when people talk behind my back, make up lies, exaggerate stories of encounters, make me out to be this monster... Then again I wish that it were enough for me to just be happy that I have the love and trust of those that I do...

I'm a very conflicted person. I over think everything and Anonymous person, I've done nothing but think of your comment since I read it. That's how much you have affected me. That's how much I worry about being liked.

If you choose to come to me privately, we can talk. If not... then please know that I did try. If I can give you a reason for why I haven't befriended you sooner, than I will -- an honest reason.

I'm not good at this, you know... I don't have someone out there who can create an image for me. I can't be the "typical" Sagittarius and just say what I think and do what I want without any apologies. I apologize too much, for that, I am sorry. (That was a mini-joke... get it...)

I've tried to add all friend requests on Facebook, trying to get to know people more -- but then no one new ever talks to me... they just sit there and I'm confused on who they are when I look at my friends list. So then I went through and deleted all of those people who never talked to me and utilized their medium in order to be my friend. I felt bad and guilty for it... See that! I felt bad for deleting people that never talked to me.

Now, this comment has me all wrapped up in people not thinking that I have a heart or something. I honestly don't know what to do... I honestly don't know what I want. Yes, I want friends. But no, I don't just want to be your friend because we like the same band. Then what? Then we're just going to sit there and talk about the damn band all the time. I can't stand that. I can't stand when I post a Facebook status and EVERYTHING must be related back to Monkeys. God, I love them... I love them with every cell in my body, I do... but I don't want to only talk about them. I'll go crazy.

So sure, we meet at a Monkey's concert or something and you introduce yourself to me... that's amazing... let's talk about the band for a second... (it's the obvious of what we have in common...) sure, let's exchange information or whatever... but then, I'd like to get to know YOU and I would hope you want to get to know ME. Because if you're basing everything you know about me off of 100 Monkeys then you are missing so fucking much.

Photo of the day:

New Tricks

"Maybe I should have saved those leftover dreams, 
Funny but here's that rainy day..." 

I guess it's been a while since I've blogged... and I know I *still* haven't done my Birmingham or Memphis blog; I guess that one day it will just be like a surprise for you. Someday you'll wake up and it'll be here...

I'm at the beginning of a headache. I can't tell if it's going to be a migraine yet or not...

I pulled out a good chunk of my eyelashes today. I really have a problem with that... :-/

Jennifer and I finally got the second season of Grey's Anatomy on DVD. :) That made me happy. Only took me 2 days to watch it all. Now, of course, I am ready for the third season...

Funny thing, actually...

We walked into FYE to go buy Grey's and right inside the door is the Twilight merchandise. I did a once over and they were having a sale (50% off Twilight merchandise, so I was going to look for the Jasper doll.) The employee said, "Can I help you find anything?" I said "Jasper" and that turned into a hugeeeee conversation/debate about the books and movies and the "neglected" characters.

She talked our fucking ears off! Rambling on and on and on about all sorts of Twilight related things. I was polite and listened, though I wanted to just say, "Yeaaaaaah... I'm not *THAT* into Twilight, just kinda wanted the Jasper doll so I could like, make it dance and put it in my van..." I listened to the TwiHard for a bit and then her customers got impatient. She was definitely the most interesting person that I met that day, however. (And she was an Emmett girl.)

It's hard for me to fall asleep. The night time is the hardest, which... I don't understand, but it is. I lay in bed last night - lights off, TV off, mind ON. Just as I would start to fall asleep I would sit straight up and gasp for air. I clench my fists, I clench my jaw... I don't know what to call this. I also don't know how to make it stop.

I got some Worry Dolls the other day we were out; they haven't helped.

I feel like I'm a disappointment to everyone I meet. I haven't made my parents proud, I haven't made my "fans" proud, I haven't made my friends proud. I can't even edit and keep up with my sites. I don't know what to do. The ADD is getting worse; the anxiety is getting worse. The addictions are getting worse. The only thing I'm getting better at is hiding it and lying about it.

Picture of the Day: