Say No More

"Surrounded by familiar faces with no names, 

None of them know me or want to share my pain, 

They only wish to bask in my light then fade away, 

To win my love, to them a game, 

To watch me live my life in vain, 

When all is done and the glitter fades away..." 

 
My blog "Situational Friendship" was quite popular. I got 7 comments, which is pretty high for me (sadly), thus I can't even imagine how many people read it. I don't have a counter on my blog or I'd be obsessed with it. I also don't have a tracker on my blog, or I'd be obsessed with it...

Regardless...

Most of the comments were positive and supportive... understanding...

However there was one anonymous comment that I wanted to respond to on here.

Comment: First of all, I'm not spamming nor am I trolling your blog. You don't know me from the next person in a crowded place, but I have been in your presence a few times. And for what it's worth, I've made an attempt to befriend you. Not because I'm interested in who you know and how you know them, but because I try my best to treat people the way I'd like to be treated.

You have a very large wall put up. And from behind that wall you tend to throw harsh words and criticisms to people who may not feel the same way you do about things. It seems to me that you isolate yourself away from other people because of the people you know - but how can you possibly know if that's what people want from you if you don't give them a chance?

Some people are fucking ignorant, I have no doubt in my mind. And the others? The genuine people who'd like to know the person behind the camera? Well, some of them are a bit put off, I won't lie. At the end of the day, no one is better than anyone - we're all people with fears, hopes, dreams and trust issues.

Micky immediately responded (without prompting from me) and said: To Anonymous:

I think what you said was nicely put...and for that maturity, I commend you.

When I first met Jodie, I had heard all of the stories before about supposed attitude, or "nasty looks" from her.

However, I walked right up to her, drunkenly threw my arm around her, and said, "I want you to sing a song with me!"

It was instant. It was genuine. And neither one of us batted an eyelash.

I'm not one to listen to people's opinions and just believe them...but yes, some people are put off by Jodie. Just as most people are put off by me.

They see confidence and confuse it with cockiness. They see insecurity and confuse it with attention-seeking. They see talent and they confuse it with entitlement. They see kindness and confuse it with weakness.

I don't really know why everyone has insisted that it's so difficult to befriend Jodie...it really isn't.

Genuine intentions speak volumes, and so do ingenuous intentions.

Maybe we should all just not come at each other with preconceived notions...and just wipe the slate clean.

It was very nicely put and mature. I really appreciate the fact that this person was able to stay level headed and not just bash me or use their "adult words" because I have seemingly overlooked them.

To this anonymous person I say -- for starters, I apologize to you that I have made you feel anything less than special. Yes, I do have a very large wall built -- and it's been put there for a reason. I was once a naive and over-trusting person and that landed me nowhere. It landed me in bad situations and bad situational friendships. It landed me in places where my so-called-friends used me for everything that they thought that I was worth and then they tossed me aside. So now that you know that, perhaps you can understand that wall and why it's there.

It's there from previous years before Monkeys and it's there because of the few "bad apples" I've met because of Monkeys. Some people are great actors -- some people will say and do anything to get you to trust them and then they fuck you over and you're the idiot standing there robbed saying, "I should have known better"... I know that this is not all people - but it's happened to me more times than I care to share, and unfortunately, the wall grows higher and then the good people with genuine intentions are forced to scale it. For some it's easy... others give up.

Like Micky said - it's not impossible to get around. There isn't an application to be my friend... there isn't someone better suited for the position than not, it's mostly just trust. If you trust me and I trust you -- then there it is. Honesty, I believe is the best way to get that across.

I actually had no idea that I had a reputation as... whatever it is that my reputation is. Honestly, I am a very insecure person - honestly, I feign most of my confidence, but in feigning it I feel like it *actually* gives me some. I tend to hide behind my camera and that wall that I've built, but you know what? In that instant that Micky threw her drunken arm around me, both of our walls vanished because there were no ego's, there were no ulterior motives... there was just honesty and yes, we both were in a vulnerable position at that moment. She could have used me and I could have used her... but because we're both honest and good people, thankfully we have a lifelong REAL friendship that blossomed out of that.

I am more than apt to giving people chances, and I'd be more than happy to get to know you if you choose to unveil yourself. (Privately, of course.)

Please don't think I overlooked any part of your comment -- if I have, please let me know and I'd be happy to address any of it. I am not ashamed of it or anything that you have to say.

Yes, I do isolate myself and like I mentioned, I hide behind my camera and that big huge wall... but hopefully now you're able to see the reasons *why* I do those things...

And another thing... you can't always believe everything that you hear. I've had 2 people who were "brave enough" to befriend me after they heard... whatever it was that they heard... and they happily dispelled other rumors to their friends. Of course, both of those people were people that I had heard things about as well... and you know, in such a tight, close knit circle, it's hard not to believe the shit that people say about other people. But... the rumors about those two people were not true on my end either.

I'm more than happy to give people chances. Honestly. Most of them just never give me the chance to...

Of all the times that people have said that I've hurt their feelings I've more than apologized. If you knew me then you would know that I cannot stand the thought of hurting people's feelings. I don't tend to come out and say exactly what I mean for fear that people won't like what it is that I have to say...

I really wish those who didn't like me knew how much time I spend thinking about why people don't like me. How much it hurts me when people talk behind my back, make up lies, exaggerate stories of encounters, make me out to be this monster... Then again I wish that it were enough for me to just be happy that I have the love and trust of those that I do...

I'm a very conflicted person. I over think everything and Anonymous person, I've done nothing but think of your comment since I read it. That's how much you have affected me. That's how much I worry about being liked.

If you choose to come to me privately, we can talk. If not... then please know that I did try. If I can give you a reason for why I haven't befriended you sooner, than I will -- an honest reason.

I'm not good at this, you know... I don't have someone out there who can create an image for me. I can't be the "typical" Sagittarius and just say what I think and do what I want without any apologies. I apologize too much, for that, I am sorry. (That was a mini-joke... get it...)

I've tried to add all friend requests on Facebook, trying to get to know people more -- but then no one new ever talks to me... they just sit there and I'm confused on who they are when I look at my friends list. So then I went through and deleted all of those people who never talked to me and utilized their medium in order to be my friend. I felt bad and guilty for it... See that! I felt bad for deleting people that never talked to me.

Now, this comment has me all wrapped up in people not thinking that I have a heart or something. I honestly don't know what to do... I honestly don't know what I want. Yes, I want friends. But no, I don't just want to be your friend because we like the same band. Then what? Then we're just going to sit there and talk about the damn band all the time. I can't stand that. I can't stand when I post a Facebook status and EVERYTHING must be related back to Monkeys. God, I love them... I love them with every cell in my body, I do... but I don't want to only talk about them. I'll go crazy.

So sure, we meet at a Monkey's concert or something and you introduce yourself to me... that's amazing... let's talk about the band for a second... (it's the obvious of what we have in common...) sure, let's exchange information or whatever... but then, I'd like to get to know YOU and I would hope you want to get to know ME. Because if you're basing everything you know about me off of 100 Monkeys then you are missing so fucking much.

Photo of the day:

This Time Around

"We'll frolic through the clover and pick dandelions
For each others moms..."




I've seen quite a few people use the wrong Spencer Bell lyric there for a while, so I thought I would put it as my Lyrics-Of-The-Day. The songs is called Dandelions and it's my favorite Spencer song. Very fitting song for today.

Take a listen to it and other Spencer songs over at his Memorial website.

I've been almost avoiding my blog... I didn't really mean to, but at times it's just very hard for me to speak about things - it gives them a sense of finality for me. I do the same thing when I get back from shows -- I always promise that I will blog about the experience, but lets face it... I somehow fall short on that promise.

"Life is a one way dirt road; there's only one way to go..." Spencer was right there. Of course, for right now, my car is pulled over to the side and I'm idling. I don't know why, but I can't seem to make progress.

Let me go back a little bit.

Kentucky didn't work out. It wasn't my doing or even not my wanting it to happen -- but you cannot force something like that upon other people. The long and short of it is that Jennifer and I moved to Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

We have been loving it here. It's quite wonderful. While I don't think that anything can ever feel like home to me -- the traveler in me is just way too deep -- I do feel happy here, and comfortable. It's October and we've still got the AC on! The other day it was 95 degrees at 5p in the evening. This place rocks.

A few have asked me/us if we're going to the Justin Timberlake Shriners Hospitals For Children Open this year... the answer is no. We had "plans" to go to all five years of the tournament and it really does hurt that I can't be there this year. Mainly for one reason: Rachel. This year will be Rachel's 21st birthday and I had promised her that I would be in Vegas to celebrate it with her. I ache that I had to break that promise.

It's just not feasible after moving to Kentucky and having to turn around 10 days later and move again to Alabama. That was an entire month of paychecks missed, work missed, money spent on gas + moving... it really ate up into the plans.

I would say next year - but honestly, I am not in the right place to make any more promises. Especially ones that are an entire year away.

Of course not just Rachel wants me out there this year... I've been getting some threats on an old blog post of mine from someone who apparently wants to either intimidate me or harm me whilst out in Vegas because they're going this year.

Now... in this blog I talked about all the horrible things that had been happening to me and how I believed them to be my karma coming back to bite me in the ass because I don't believe that anyone is above getting what they deserve. I said how I was making positive changes in my life to not try and burn those bridges anymore and I can honestly say over the last year that I have been active in trying to be a better person.

Over the last year I have made efforts to contact those people who I have hurt and apologize -- some I have just left alone because it's better to not pick at a scab, but all of the people that I have contacted have accepted my apology. That doesn't make us friends, now... but it means that we harbor no ill will towards each other and we've moved past it. (As I'm talking please know this list isn't long... *maybe* 7-9 people... and only about 3 haven't been contacted because it would be better to just... not.)

Of course I can only assume that these threats are coming from one of the three people I haven't contacted in the last year... I have however now extended the opportunity for me to apologize to them. If they decide to take it is their choice.

People are mean and cruel. This I know too well. The things that I have done to these people are not horrible unforgiving acts. I have not harmed them physically, I have not done anything to them that was unforgivable. But I have hurt them in some way or another. I am a big enough person to admit this. I am a big enough person to apologize for these things. I have received my karma and my fate from these actions. I have taken the steps to better my life.

I only wish they would do the same.

Threatening people isn't nice. (Of course, I'm not naive enough to believe or think that all people are nice.) But they cannot carry out karma as if it was wrath and make it their own personal vendetta. They are not the universe. They are not a god. They should leave that up to powers that are stronger than they are.

I feel horribly. I feel horrible that someone is still aching about something that was done over one year ago. To think that I could hurt someone that badly makes me feel worse than they could ever know. They are harboring a kind of hate in their heart that can only eat them alive and consume them... that's completely unfortunate and I would never wish that upon anyone. I truly would like to apologize for those actions. The things we do when we are young are silly and immature and often times egged on by peers. I now have better peers. I now am older and wiser and I finally know what I want out of this life.

Swiftly moving on... I will try to end on a high note.

Monkeys released their dates for the southern US tour. I've got them on the books to see them 9x in December. That's a whole lot of Monkey. (and literally every show the boys are playing in December... my god.)

I love my job.

Amidst those is this one that you check out... Green Bay, WI... a PRIVATE show. :)

Also, their New Years Eve bash. It's really quite fitting... I have literally spent this entire year with these boys... I definitely should end it with them... and you know what they say... how you spend your New Years Eve is how you'll spend the next year. So I'm going to be the only place that I would want to be on that evening -- with my boys.

Finally Saying Something Here

"Tomorrow will be violent, so do not drink & forget..."


Wow, it's nearly been a month since I've updated this blog. I do strongly apologize for my absence; I used to be so amazing at keeping this thing up to date, but honestly, I haven't been online much at all.

Let's see.

What's been new lately...?

It's been an obscene amount of days since I've seen the boys, but fortunately for me, I'm leaving 2 weeks from today to go see them in Hermosa Beach, CA. Now, now... I promise to not drink all the whiskey in Los Angeles before heading to the show like I did last time.

Actually, I really just cannot drink at Monkey shows anymore. Bad idea. Only done that twice, but those are two times that... yeah...

Now, while I miss all the boys, I actually did get to see Jay about 2 weeks ago up in Seattle. :) That's all I'm going to say about that.

Picture's worth a thousand, or so they say:

I colorsplashed me this time because in the photo of us from Nashville I colorsplashed him. :)

Of course, now I'm gonna need another pic with the boys... just saying... new look for me, new photo of us. :) I've managed to squeeze myself into pants 4 sizes smaller than the last time I saw these boys. I cut my hair & dyed it a color I quite literally had never been before: red.

The new me...

Many have asked me and I have answered few on how I felt about Eclipse and the Airbender film...

Alright, well, I'll just be honest then.

I absolutely adored Eclipse; as it's been said, it was by far the best in the series. However, I was of course disappointed with a few minimal things... nothing to really bitch about, but the overall experience of the entire thing was quite amazing. I am beyond proud of Jackson for this one. I was proud of him immensely for Twilight and New Moon, so how do I keep having room to grow even more proud of him? I suppose we should ask him how he manages to grow even more talented.

Actually one of the things I love most about Jackson is his ability to surprise me. That's a deep and long topic that I'm not going to discuss with any of you.

Airbender? I was heavily looking forward to seeing it, almost more so than Eclipse, actually. But it ended up Eclipse being the one that I loved more. Unfortunately it disappointed me, which saddens me.

It wasn't terrible, mostly I just wish that I hadn't paid for the "3D" when there was none to be found. Sokka made me chuckle on more than one time. Actually, the first time they meet Appa and he gets smacked with his tail and Jackson exclaims, "he tried to eat me!" I couldn't catch my breath because I was laughing so hard. I replied to him, "with his *tail*...?!" It was definitely a moment. Unfortunately no one else in the theater thought that it was that funny.

I was very impressed with Aang, (Noah Ringer) quite a power puncher for this being his first role.

The other day when they were sending Eclipse stars out to random theaters, Jennifer and I went to AMC and got to see Gil Birmingham who plays Jacob's father in the series and while we were at the theater we got to meet the person who trained Noah Ringer at the martial arts studio which impressed me a helluva lot more than meeting an Eclipse star. (Sorry, Gil.)

Alright, I think I've said more than enough today.

Picture of the Day: